When You Find Yourself

I suppose the hardest thing about the end of the year is the finality of it all. But for those who are not going out into the world and are returning to the same four walls and ceiling called high school once september rolls around, there is not much to be sad about. but for those who aren't, for those who's lives are about to change because the world calls to them, I wonder if when they return they will be the same.

Next year I'm spending my junior and quite possibly my senior year at a different high school. Will I change? What if I like how I am now. Do I have a choice? I suppose it all depends on whether or not I'm willing to hold onto my true self, but then again is this my true self? Or is what I am to become my true self? I must sound so confused, but really what's life without a little confusion. It builds character.

'Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
because you find yourself,
yeah that's when you find yourself.'

the regular cliche' intro

There is something in the way a sentence falls together that just makes starting one of these all the more relaxing. The way that typed text flys across the screen and thoughts seem to spill out. I wonder if others worry when this happens, as i often do, about unwanted words finding their way to the surface. I mean, the human thought is that we have the will and the power to do and say whatever we want in one of these "blogs" but I wonder: Do we really? Is there a subconcious state of mind can somehow govern our very actions? Or perhaps there is a concious state in ourselves that simply says, "we want people to know this. but we'll act like we were just scandalized and our privacy violated."

The pettyness of people tend to amuse me. Almost to the extent of true hilarity. I mean, take for example a few days ago, when a girl I had come in contact with was playing a game of ten fingers with her friends. Now, for those of you who don't know--i doubt there are more than a handful, if even that much- ten fingers is when someone declares a statement like, "I've never gotten drunk at a party," and those who actually HAVE retreat one finger. The peson who is still left with the greatest quantity of fingers at the end of the game wins. Now, back to the story. Well the game progressed, with laughter at the previious stupidities of the others and also groans as to how idiotic the statements had become,

"my favorite color is green"

yes. the sheer brilliance of that statement is sure to bring about truths of a hidden past. Well anyway. This girl that I had come in contact with, listened intently as the boy across from her states, "I have been sexually active." Now granted, if the girl did not wish for anyone else to know such a thing, she could have just lied and no one would have been the wiser. But she chose to relnquish a finger. Thus exposing herself to the harsh judgements of her peers. Whether foe or friend, judgement is always passed. Now why would she do such a thing? Did she have a moral obligation to tell the truth on such a matter? Was she really even telling the truth at all? Or was she simply yearning for the attention. I suppose I will never understand her reasoning for actually telling the truth on such a private matter that she had complete will and control over, but I also do not understand why she chose to attack the same boy later for taunting her for such actions.

Did she not bring it upon herself?

*sigh* the interesting thing is, she is probably well aware of it to. But then again, what do I know? I am just a lowly observer. a silent scribe who simply writes the stories of others...and occasionally some personal tales of a self-proclaimed artist. I only look for the truth, and ask the questions that lead to answers that only question more and more. Some might ask what is the point to answer questions with questions of their own...but...if I don't debate them, who will?

until next time.
- penman.