"stop dwelling" she said.

it's hard to imagine that just a few precious months ago, we made a pact to never forget what we shared. to always be there for each other and to, no matter what, understand despite the difficult nature of it all. now. all that is different, and we've grown into different people. you stand before me preaching how much more worth there is to your life and i stand before you saying how much less of a person i feel. and you know what you say. you say it's my fault. my fault for not growing up.

so i've realized. maybe you're right.

i've let myself wish a for a never ending friendship.
blinded by the hope that we would never lose each other.
But you've made it increasingly clear that...i've been a fool.
to hold on to such childish fancies, and to entertain thoughts of past...
is a fruitless battle.
and the fact that i'm the only one willing to participate,
makes it even more of a loss.

you've got to put your past behind you. and, i don't think you realize, that when you say that to me, you're asking me to put you behind me. you're asking me to walk away from everything we promised we would cherish. but again. maybe you're right.

feeling cut off when you're so desperatley trying not to be...bears pain.

but being cut off...is beatable.

i've been told...

i've been told that true love exists, and to be very honest i get a bit soft when it comes to romance stories. but i've also been asked why i don't find happiness with those who i am able to have it with. And that's where it gets complicated. "Don't you love him?" they ask, "Don't you think you two would be great together?" The funny thing is, yes. i do love him, yes, i know we would be great together. but the die hard truth is that when i look at him, i see happy contentment. and though to some people that may be a good thing because it maps out the perfect match. to me it only means:

the perfect friendship.

love is not supposed to be contentment. love should not be settling for who you know you'll be happy with. love is risking life and limb for the person you know you'll never be able to go on without. love should be a risk, it should make you smile, make you laugh, make you transcend into bittersweet blissful joy, but also make you angry, and make you cry. it should rip at your heart and tear insides and it should be scary, it should be frightening and an adrenaline rush. but if it's not. then there is no worth to it.

if it's not...you'll continue to ask yourself: why?