job title: scribe

"It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age”

2012-02-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

[.my.corner.]

She shut her eyes and let the music take her, the words wrapping around and hugging her to them until she swore she could feel their warmth throughout her entire body. She swayed along with the music, letting it guide her movement like puppet strings, but she didn't feel out of control. No. She felt free. Ready to fly as she stretched her arms out wide and let the melody carry her spirit above her body, into the air.

"Long, long live the walls we crashed through
How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid

Singing, long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered"

Things have gotten a little crazy...

2012-02-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

i'll update soon, but for right now I just gotta take a step back, breathe, and figure out my life.

heck. freakin'. yeah.

2011-10-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

tumblr has served as a distraction

2011-09-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

But I miss blogging the way it should be done.

So the time has come again to return back to school.
And, while I refuse to lie and say that I "love" school, I will say that I missed it dearly.
Not because I'm a fan of schoolwork or homework or...work in general,
but because it feels nice to return to the breeding ground of education
and fill myself up with interesting anecdotes.

I am a lover of anecdotes. And, let me tell you:
information is empowering.
So you can imagine, after months of mindless activities,
The thought-provoking questions regarding :
belief, gender, sex, and the importance of literature being enough to satisfy the mind.

More than that, I've been getting a kick out of the realizations that are occurring, daily, within my life.
It has made me, truly, come to realize how I am not eighteen anymore.
No.

I am twenty-one, going on twenty-two.
I'm on the brink of graduation.
I'm applying for Grad school.
And I have grown.

a little late night musings

2011-08-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

The minutes are slowly passing by

and I am still sitting awake with my thoughts.

They regale me with the moments that have gone unnoticed during the day

and remind me of all the missing pieces I have taken for granted.

To be built up and put together is a rarity for me.

I can fake it with the best of them, make it seem like I've got it all figured out.

But the truth is, I'll always be an unfinished puzzle,

Because God's still working on me.

The last few days have opened my mind up to a number of things.

What I want, what I need, what I need to want...

And through it all I have realized just how good God really is.

I Praise God for:

2011-07-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

a number of things, starting with my very fun-filled trip to Maui, Hawaii.

There was lots of stuff to do and fun to be had,
but my favorite moments were the ones that came early in the morning
when I was able to sneak down to the shore
sit with my ipod and relish in the calm, sea breeze beauty of God's creation.

But I did miss home.

It was nice to get away, and to say that I don't miss it and still wish, at times, that I was still away...
it's nice to get back to work and know that God planned for the timing of that trip perfectly
and he also planned the perfect timing for the trip to end.

who am I to complain?
But, thank God for those beautiful peaceful mornings where it was just me and Him, because I really needed the time.

Hello Maui!

2011-07-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our hotel room.
Lord, please let this trip be an avenue of inspiration, because You are everywhere.

Summer days

2011-07-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

in thinking over the past month or so since school ended

I've realized that a LOT has happened.

1. I have gone through a plethora of novels,

some good, some sad, some enlightening

some that showed me that a writer can be anyone and everyone

and that is the reason why i do what i do.

2. i've finished directing another musical,

which taught me more about patience and discernment than the last two combined

3. i've spent a lot of time by myself and with my thoughts.

God has been asking me to re-evaluate myself in everything from:

my relationship with my family to my relationship with my church family

my career goals, my life goals, my ministry goals...

and let's just say I've had a lot on my mind.

4. i've been able to spend a lot of time with family.

Especially these last few weeks.

My cousin Jac flew in from Texas last Tuesday and we were all reunited!

I praise God for the opportunity to bond and form a relationship with my cousin.

For his provision of time off work and free time to spend with her and my family.

I praise Him for the ability to talk to her and relate to her

and the capacity to love her as more than just blood,

but as a person who is praying for her salvation.

Also, my family from New Jersey AND the Philippines flew in

and after a much loved outing to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

the entire Ormeo clan was present at the Alura home for a full day of fellowship, eating, swimming, screaming, and more eating.

5. And lastly, I've really got to spend some time with God,

praying and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Most importantly, God has been waiting for me to turn to Him and say,

"Lord, I don't know where I am. I need you to lead me and I need you to stop me from trying to be a backseat driver."

So that's what I've been trying to do. Be more honest, be a better listener, be a better servant, and be a better me. I've had a lot of things building within me for the past year and I think some well spent time in prayer has been needed. Lord, keep the good hits coming and the bad ones going, cause i do not want to end this summer having learned nothing.

I've been given perspective

2011-07-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

ABC's

2011-06-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a believer in knowing the basics. Having a good foundation in anything is so important to growth.

When you are in an English class it is important to know that "a" makes an "ah" sound like in "apple" but it also can make an "ae" sound like in "cake" or "aw" like in "awesome"

In math you need to know that 13 - 2 = 11 to solve the equation x+2 = 13

But there is a reason why those lessons come at the beginning of your education. Why they are reinforced in practice over and over again, but not necessarily retaught year after year.

It's because after a certain point you are trusted by those who taught you to know the basics. To refer back to those basics and use them when necessary. Those basics are important to your understanding of bigger things like analysis of text and complex equations in calculus and what not.

Understanding those basics leads to understanding bigger and more incredibly difficult things.

But. If you have a teacher who looks at you and deems you lacking of that knowledge and they reteach that to you, and continue to reteach it to you without really testing you in it, then what happens is half of the time that could have been spent in teaching you new things is spent in teaching you old things.

And the only things you'll end up being knowledgeable in those basics and nothing else.

You'll know how to read and you'll know your addition and subtraction. But that's as far as you'll ever go. You'll be a kindergartner forever.

free write experiment

2011-06-15T20:11:00.001-07:00

Chapter 1: Blank Page

I sat staring at the screen for what felt like days, waiting for inspiration to hit me like an arrow to the heart or the catchy lyrics of a song. I blew my bangs from the front of my face and slumped in my chair, turning my head side to side so as to crack my neck. I had already done that exact routine six times in the last hour and couldn't help the sigh. I shook my head and leaned back, my fingers still poised on the keys. They were itching to type, everything. Anything. I just couldn't decide on anything to start with.

What is inspiration? I finally released onto the keys. The moment of decision being more of an impulse than an actual decision. What inspires me?

I stared at the blinking line on the screen, you know, the one that seemingly spits out the words from inside your brain onto the page, and became frustrated with it. I almost wished it would just spit out everything going on in my brain so that I didn't have sift through the array of to-do lists, personal rebukes, and rabbit trails of story lines that were competing for my attention.

Things. I answered my earlier question, giving it too line breaks of space between the first two questions. Things inspire me.

I decided finally that enough was enough and to just let it all spill onto the page. Maybe if I just wrote, something would come to its senses out of my nonsense. It was worth a try at least right?

"Okay," I sighed. "Here it goes."

It seems like such a vague answer to give and not like one an aspiring writer should accept as answer because...we're all supposed to be poetic in some way right? Whether it be with vivid details or spare and poignant truths, the quality of prose should always factor into every form of communication between a writer and the world.

But as is stands that's all I can really give in a nutshell. Things. Things inspire me. If I must expound then here: a LOT of different things inspire me and they aren't always the same all the time.

In fact, one day a blue bird singing outside my window can inspire a poem while the next it can only inspire me to shut the window. See? It's all relative.

Sure you can argue it's still "inspiration" but really then, that's just a trick of the language. You're dealing with some intense assertions similar to that of Jacques Derrida whom, trust me, you do not want to assert lightly without knowing what he's claiming (that is if you can figure it out).

What is inspiration? What inspires me?

My family inspires me all the time. They are one of the few "things" that refuse to switch out of my inspiration box. My family and their dedication to their work, their ministry, each other. My family inspires me to be more than I am, which, when I think about it is less like me and more like Christ.

My friends inspire me in the same way. Only they inspire me to believe in myself. They remind me of how God made me the way I am for a purpose. They inspire me to continually search for that purpose.

Art inspires me. All forms of art whether it be dance or acting or music. Art inspires me by motivating me. I want my mark to be on this world just like all that art has marked itself in my world.

Lastly, firstly, totally...God inspires me.

God inspires me in a different sense of the word. J.L. Austin talks about "performative utterances" when you speak and actually fulfill an action in speaking. God does that for me. He actually inspires me. He moves me. He doesn't just "cause" me to move. He moves me.

And I think, with that reality, the reality that God has that kind of power to fulfill something in me, with me, for me, I am inspired to never stop.

Looking down at the screen I read over the words that had spilled out of me. Stopping at times to click between the lines and move to change something. To make it more poetic. More poignant. More spare. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't change the truth. And how do you embellish the truth without skewing it just a little?

So stopped and sat back. Reading the words, knowing that they weren't perfect, they weren't going to be everyone's cup of tea. But knowing they were mine and regardless of the fact that I knew I could be more poetic, more..."writer-like". I couldn't be more me.

So with one more sigh, I pulled back, saved the doc and closed the screen, swiveling around in my chair to look out the window.

A blue bird sat perched on the branch just outside, silent and watching me while I waited for it to sing.

I've been finding myself completely uninteresting lately.

2011-06-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I look at all the things that the people I love are doing.

All of the adventures they seem to be having

all the experiences they've gone after...

And I feel like I'm running behind on everything.

This quarter was so important to me. It put a lot of things into perspective and, yet, as it ends I find just how invested I was in the small picture and how much I missed out on the bigger one.

I don't know.

Sometimes, when you're least expecting it, you catch glimpses of the "what ifs"

What if I had turned left instead of right?
What if I had stayed on a Tuesday/Thursday schedule?
What if I had stuck to choir instead of writing?
What if I had gone for it instead of getting scared?

Sometimes those glimpses prove that you made the right decision and that God had something bigger and better in mind. And yet other times the glimpses make you wonder why God didn't want that for you. It seems so much happier on the other side and so much more painful on this one. What am I supposed to learn from this?

I'm not questioning God's sovereignty. I know that He has this plan that is bigger than anything I could have dreamed up.

But sometimes I feel like I say it so much that I'm trying more so to convince myself then anyone else.

Like I'm trying to justify all the heartache instead of trying to move on from it.
I know we're supposed to let God take care of everything, we're supposed to trust that He's going to take care of us. But what if the way God takes care of it is by moving us to do something about our lives? What if He's calling for me to get control back. Not for myself but for Him?

It's always so frustrating. I say to someone, "I don't know what to do."

And then they say, "See! That's you're problem right there. You shouldn't be trying to do anything because you can't do anything without God."

Then in my head I'm like, "Who said anything about doing it without God? I'm just trying to figure out what God wants me to do."

Then a whole array of other arguments ensue until I just get too tired to fight back.

So now, I've sat here for months waiting for something. Carrying on with the little things and praying for God to take care of all of the big stuff. But now I'm thinking that maybe all this time He was calling me to move so that He can show me how He wants me to change.

All of the other people in my life, whom I love, are all busy with their own parts in God's will. Maybe it's time I got busy in mine.

Elizabeth Gilbert on God

2011-06-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."

"There is a reason they call God a presence - because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

“God is an experience of supreme love.”

Mickey's Soundsational Parade!

2011-05-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

my best friend is panchito

You can find her and the other 2/3 of the three caballeros @ 5:50 on the video!
so proud that I cried biffers! love you mucho!

GO SEE DISNEY'S SOUNDSATIONAL PARADE IN DISNEY'S CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE!

the truth is...

2011-05-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been really hard.
Satan has just been pounding down on my heart and my confidence to the point where I can't seem to discern what's spiritual warfare from Satan and spiritual discipline from God.

And I've been getting really angry lately in my heart.
I get angry at people for being rude and having bad attitudes.
I get angry at people for thinking that it's okay to kick me when I'm down.

I get angry at people who tell me to "relax"
because they always seem to say it when they think I'm tense
but, in reality, it makes me tense that they assume I'm on a short fuse.

I get angry because people think they know me so well
but they don't know me well enough to understand that sometimes I just need to get out all the thoughts that are swimming in my head.

And I get angry that all that anger and emotion disappears as time drags on and I get too tired to say anything about it until it happens again.

People are always trying to give me advice
"Relax" "Take a deep breath" "stop stressing"
Truth? I wasn't actually stressing until you said all that stuff because it made me think that there was something to be stressed about.

And moreover?
It makes me even more tense when I can't get out two words without the good intentioned petting and "calm down, just calm down"
UGH! Sometimes I want to scream, "just shut up!"

-_-x
I'm sorry. that was rude.
It's just...

I think I know myself pretty well.
I think I know when I've hit the "overwhelmed" button on my personality clock.
But I always seem to hit it twice as fast when every body is talking at once and trying to calm me down.

I can't calm down if every one keeps talking, I just can't.

Because when everyone keeps talking I can't think.
I can barely breathe.

And all it makes me feel like at the end is angry, emotional, and tired.
Everything everyone keeps warning me not to be

*sigh*
I just need a break. I feel like I need to just be by myself and away from everything because God and I have to get back on the same page here.

I've lost sight of Him and what He's trying to tell me a few pages back and I gotta get up to speed.

I don't want to be angry anymore
I don't want to be sad
or tired or bitter.

I just want to be able to breathe again
And I need to figure this out before I actually explode.

-_-x
Please just pray for me
That's all I ask from you. For prayer.
Pray for peace. For clarity. For resolution.
For rest. Because at this point I'm running on empty and I need God to refuel me and no one else.

thanks.

What do I want?

2011-05-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

5. to travel. to see the world and broaden my horizons

4. to pursue a dream wholeheartedly

3. to make it on my own

2. to hear God speak

1. to do God's will

I reassert that Stephen King is both inhuman and a genius

2011-04-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

"A short story is a different thing all together - a short story is like a kiss in the dark from a stranger."

So, if you haven't heard yet, I'm trying to be a writer. Okay. let's scratch that. I am "aspiring" to be a writer. And so, my last few years here at CSUSB have been chock full of fiction and literature classes that give me the suitable deadlines I need to give birth to some of my most painfully pushed out work. It also has allowed me to produce some my best. (in my opinion of course) And so, in my attempt to write another story, this time focused in on the "Ghost Story" genre, I look to one of the most creatively sick geniuses this world has to offer. Mr. Stephen King, who elevated himself to a 100 on my awesome scale of 1 - 10 (100 because he has already well surpassed the highest standard) with this comment:

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people. ... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephanie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."

- Stephen King

What can I say? The man knows his stuff. And if God can bless me with at least a fraction of his good fortune. I might just be able to fulfill my life long dream after all.

Dear God,

2011-04-13T19:42:00.001-07:00

You are so good, because I just vented to You on Monday, and already You've provided more peace than I could have ever asked for. Thank You so much for Your faithfulness.

-Aarika

Sincerely Yours,

2011-04-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Father God,

I love You. I don't say that enough and for that I am sorry. Actually, for a lot of things, I'm sorry.

Like for last night. I'm sorry for getting so angry and frustrated and anxious. I'm sorry that I came to You like that, so accusatory and so upset. I'm sorry that I curled up in a ball and hid from You instead of curling into Your arms and being honest. I know that I don't really have to be honest, that there is nothing I can hide from You. But...I also know that You love me too much to ignore me, and yet last night, like many other nights, I let myself believe You don't care. I hate my selective memory. But You already know that.

I was frustrated. I still am frustrated. I feel like maybe You're testing me or maybe trying to teach me something and I just haven't figured out what it is yet. I feel lonely. Not because You're not there, but just lonely in my thoughts. Which I think is so dumb because I'm pretty open. I haven't hid my thoughts from anybody.

Well, I guess that's not true. I have hid my thoughts from people. But it's just because I don't know how to make sense of it all yet. I think I know what I want and what I want from other people, but, You know, I'm not sure how to ask for them. Or even if I should ask for them. Which is why I came to You last night. I don't know what to do and so, my thoughts keep coming back to the idea that maybe I'm not supposed to do anything. Maybe it's all about trusting You.

But I do trust You. I just don't trust myself. I don't trust my own perception. I'm such a bad listener! And I let myself get so distracted.

That's why it is so hard. I know all things are possible with You. I know that I can't do anything without You. I mean, that's what you taught me through the musical You called me to do right?

"Can I form a single mountain? Take the stars in hand and count them? Can I even take a breathe without God giving it to me?"

You are the one that does it all and has the big plan laying out in front of You, but...I can't tell if I'm obeying or missing everything completely. I feel like I'm not making sense of anything and I just want to hear You. Like, actually hear you.

I...ugh. Even reading this over I feel like all it says is "I". This shouldn't be about me, this should be about You. My life should revolve around You and I should just submit to You.

"Hear my cry, o God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"

Please. I want to cling to You Lord, I want it to be all about You. Lead me so that I will follow, because I know once I do...everything else will fall into place.

With all the love that You have given me,

Aarika

realizations as i sit in class...

2011-04-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Spring Quarter 2011

2011-04-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on a MWF schedule, I've been strict on my Tuesday/Thursday schedule for the past three quarters. But when I failed to register in time for the Playwriting class I have been dying to take, only able to creep onto the wait list, one of my favorite Professors told me:

"I would never wait list you."

So I signed up for two of his classes. Haha. I don't know. God planned it this way, because the two classes he is teaching are two that I need, so, I'm just gonna go with it

So, here we go.

English 511: Creative Writing in the Classroom

Basically a field study for teaching English to high school students

Humanities 344: Ideas of American Culture

one of the last pesky GE's I've got left.

English 385: Literary Theory & Criticism
you should see the book for this thing. 8pt font. 2067 pages. Yeah.

English 513: Advanced Creative Writing in Specialized Genres
Ghost Stories. oOooOooOoo

Eye on the prize

2011-03-31T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sarah Dessen is such an inspiration. Just like JK Rowling, she's one of the authors that reminded me and continues to remind me, the power of stories. I hope one day I can do what she does.

Words from Lauren F. Winner

2011-03-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6:9-13
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as weforgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever
Amen"

There was much in the prayer that I didn't understand. I didn't know that will was a noun, I only knew it as a verb, so my grammatical reading of the second line of the Lord's Prayer -- "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" -- was a little off. I thought "will be done" the verb so "Thy", the possessive pronoun, must be the subject. And I prayed fervently that Thy would be done.

Sometimes in church I think about that still. I think maybe that is what we should be praying for, not just God's will be done, but that everything that is God's, everything that is His, everything that is Thy, will be done. Yours be done, I chant in my head. Yours. Yours. Yours. Everything that is Yours.

- girl meets GOD pg. 147-168

phew.

2011-03-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

today marks the last day of regular classes.

hmmm. kinda feels nice.

though i will admit that i miss those times when you had spent so much time with your teachers resulting in the both of you being genuinely glad for the time that you've spent together and the relationship that has come out of it.

lately it seems that you've got to have been in a few of your professor's classes before they genuinely start to care about you, but all the same, it still feels nice.

*sigh*

so this is my breather.

before the impending storm brewing.

haha. not yet. though i better get myself some floaties. because by next wednesday evening this will be me:

pray that all goes well.

Currently Reading:

2011-03-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

I've always been a big romantic softy at heart, loving stories of the classic girl meets boy, boy loves girl genre. I find that no matter who the characters are, what the situation is, or how it ends. Even if I've heard/read the story a million times... it never gets old.

But it wasn't until I was older that I was able to dive in and truly appreciate the one love story that all other love stories mirror. The single greatest written love affair in the entire universe, the one that directly connects the reader to the Author, because the text IS a love letter to the reader from the Author.

The Bible. God to me. God to you. And when I stumbled upon Lauren Winner's book "Girl meets GOD", actually began reading it out of the piles of books that I have precariously been casting away in favor of other activities, that I was reminded again of who God is.

Girl meets God is a recount of Lauren F. Winner's own personal story. How she came from being a very faithful and very active Orthodox Jew to a Christian.

I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the book; maybe a beautiful and inspiring story of how the pull of God's love and the gift of Jesus ached within her or maybe an unfavorable encounter within the Jewish religion. But whatever it was, I didn't get it.

Not in the way I thought at least.

Winner's book thus far has been enlightening, not because her story has been especially unique, but because it is especially... relatable.

for instance:

"Evangelizing, if it means handing out tracts, is not something I do. I don't ever casually swing my arm around a friend's shoulders, look meaningfully into her eyes, and ask, 'Susie, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, would you go to Heaven?' When I come face-to-face with Jesus' commission to the disciples--go and spread the word around the world--I wince, for I know I am not even spreading it around Morningside Heights.

I take comfort in the church's current affection for what is politely called 'lifestyle evangelism.' Being a lifestyle evangelist doesn't require handing out tracts; it just requires living a good, God-fearing, Gospel-exuding life. I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

Upon reading this I felt like she was quoting straight from my mind. I, myself, have always had trouble with being particularly bold in the face of man. I've been rebuffed and snubbed so many times by some of my closest friends that the thought of being rebuffed by acquaintances or strangers is not particularly appetizing. But I do feel guilty sometimes. I feel sad for the missed opportunities that pile up in my mind and I strive to correct this, knowing that God calls us to make disciples of all nations.

But it is hard. I tend to be more of the nurturer rather than the instigator but... the point is Lauren Winner took the words right out of my mouth.

"I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

In short, Lauren Winner's novel, thus far for me, has been speaking to me. Like God is using her to speak directly to me. And man He's got a lot to say.

I've never thought that my story, my testimony is one of those whirlwind, life-changing stories that, by just being shared, can touch people.

It's a common story. Girl from a God-fearing home grew up rebelling God at every angle with a self-righteous cover, until she couldn't do it anymore and God broke down the wall that she was putting up to block Him so that He could take her into His arms and call her His own.

That's it. Poetically said, but there are no rising action subplots of drugs, teenage pregnancies, or sex. And there are no falling action resolutions of rehab, abortions, and STD's. I've led a relatively normal life where it's just been me, trying to keep myself from turning on the straight and narrow and getting distracted. It's just me trying to let go of all control. It's just me trying to give it all to God.

And Lauren Winner is just like me. Her story has showed me that going to hell and back doesn't mean going through the streets and landing in the gutter (at least not for me). Going to hell and back just means going away from God and then coming back. That's it.

And with that truth. I'm so glad that it never gets old.

The Analogy

2011-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

With the fear of potentially regretting it...

2011-02-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have realized that one of my biggest fears these days, in the midst of my youth and my ever-constant changing mind, is actually changing my mind. I fear being spontaneous and becoming, in the oh-so-hilarious terms of CBS' "How I Met Your Mother",

the Blitz.

Now what is the Blitz you ask? Well, as I learned in the episode 10 of season 6 called "Blitzgiving", Blitz is the name given to an individual who leaves or looks away and almost immediately misses something COMPLETELY EPIC AND AMAZING only to return immediately after to a crowd of people oohing, ahhing, and what not.

*sigh* yeah. Exactly. I am afraid of changing my mind, not necessarily without thought, but quickly and impulsively (regardless of my qualms) and then regretting it later because I missed out on something great.

And yes I know that I will always be missing out on something no matter what decision I make, but picture this:

You're walking down a dirt road, it's deserted, it's hot, you've run out of water and you're in desperate need of shelter, so you're hoping you'll eventually happen upon a town.

You've been walking for a while, tired and hungry, extremely thirsty, but it's been hours. You don't know if you're going to be able to make it and you start thinking "What if I started going off in the wrong direction? Should I turn around? If that's what happened I must be really far..."

Then ahead you see a path that forks off to the left and debate on whether or not you should take it. You haven't seen any town coming up and maybe that road will lead you to it, but it also could just lead you in a completely different direction even farther away from town. It's a risk. You're unsure. You're delirious and scared. But at the last minute you decide to follow the road and veer off to the left.

What you don't realize is that if you had just stayed on the path and walked another mile, you would have happened upon a farm house with a really friendly family sitting down to a big feast for lunch. And now that you've veered off to the left, you're actually walking right past that family, deeper and deeper into the unknown with no civilization for miles.

And that's it. By the time you realize you have to turn back it's too late. You're 100 miles away, tired, hungry, maybe even out of gas, and it's getting dark. You're doomed.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Being doomed by a split second decision, done much like how a bandaid is ripped off, and then finding out later it was a stupid move. I should have just stuck to my guns and more importantly trusted my first gut instinct because the second choice was made when my head was nor my confidence was in the right place.

just wanna love it.

2011-02-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just want to lie back and sing.

Distractions

2011-02-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

So,

last night I made my way to the biffer's home so that we could trek our way together out to Irvine. The home turf of a sister in Christ as well as the MTV made famous hip hop "crew" Kaba Modern.

UC Irvine's local celebrity dance fratority...er. crew. =P

Anyway, it was all really for Richelle Jeans, so that she could get a sense of what an audition for a crew would look like and also so she could support some of the friends she made in the process of doing dance workshops with Kaba.

It was very interesting for me, a bonafide "not dancer" to get a look into this world that has taken my BFF by the heart and pulled her in. But overall, I came out with one important lesson.

You gotta be confident in yourself and your skill.

Granted there were some who were more "skilled" than others but the fact that so many of them went in, guns blazing, and performing their hearts out...well...it was inspiring.

Made me remember just how lackluster I've been in my own journey toward what has always been my ultimate goal: The Best-Seller's list.

Perhaps it's because the literary world is not as flashy as the dance world or as blatantly soul pouring...but the rules still apply.

Art is art. And if I got it in my heart, then I gotta lay it all on the floor and just go for it.

A few years ago, my response when people would say "it's hard to get published" or "it's so competitive in that field, are you sure you can be that cut throat?" was to smile and shrug saying that I wasn't worried about it.

I had this confidence that THIS is what God was calling me to do and no one could shake me. It would happen.

But that was a few years ago.

And now, over 100 units and three workshop classes later, with graduation within reach that confidence is not what it used to be.

I think somewhere along the line, after countless and countless of doubtful looks, attempts to play devil's advocate, and awkward tensions from the admission of my major, it started to get to me.

Even the reality of my professors saying, "Be prepared to have a different career and writing on the side, because the business is hard, especially now."

Was enough to shake me and make me question what exactly is the practical choice for me. *sigh* But even with all of that "practical" talk I can't shake the feeling that if I choose to change avenues now I'll sorely regret it later on. I'll regret not believing in myself enough to push through.

But that means now, I gotta stay focused. I gotta stop getting distracted and letting other things around me pull me off the road. I gotta stop moving so fast and just take a moment to figure out what NEEDS to be done NOW at THIS moment and leave all the extra stuff for my extra time.

Moreover, I need to remember that God is not amazing because He is a practical God, He is amazing because He is a miraculous God. And in the midst of all this confusion and struggle to focus, I have to focus on His voice only and keep pressing forward. Block out all else and just listen to Him.

Pray for that. Because I really really REALLY need it.

5 Things I'm looking forward to:

2011-01-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

1. The Youth Musical

2. Vacation Bible School 2011

3. The wedding of Kuya Kurtz to Chikee

4. The return of Secret Life of the American Teenager

5. The High Schooler's Graduation.

I'm just buzzing with excitement!

My Birthday Weekend

2011-01-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

"21"

A big year for most American youth, because it's the year we become "legal" and successfully break away from one of the last societal contingencies that shackle us to adolescence. Granted, there are many MANY people my age who fail to wait for this glorious year of adult hood before diving headfirst into the illegal act of underage drinking, but I am proud to say that I was not one of them.

I am proud to say that I waited until I was legal. And honestly? That made the experience so much more fulfilling and meaningful because I didn't give into temptation and God was so gracious in giving me a model family to set that example.

But, anyway, this past weekend was exciting for a number of reasons.

1. I was old enough to do more than just sit in the hotel room

2. I was going with my family in a huge brood and that's always fun when there is a lot of us.

3. I was old enough to play slot machines, though I did it only once or twice because I'm not too keen about chancing my money.

4. We were staying in Mandalay Bay.

and

5. I got to see and enjoy how much this right of passage into adult meant to my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, and my parents.

You see, for me, though I did enjoy this weekend, for my birthday I wasn't expecting much. I'm not much of a party-goer, the "party" scene isn't really my scene. But when the idea for this came up I went along with it, not because I didn't like the idea, but because my family loved the idea.

This was an opportunity for them to share in my graduation to adulthood. This was exciting for them and because of that the experience was all the more sweeter.

I laughed a lot. I learned a lot. And I had a lot of fun.

Now, with it over do I think it's something I would ever want to do again?

Uh... haha I wouldn't mind going back to Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. The hotels were fun and there was a lot to see.

But I'm not too keen on alcoholic drinks. The few that I did have left me a little light-headed and the taste was not one I would be jumping to have again. And the casino games kind of scared me. I would have preferred to go to Circus Circus or Excalibur and blow my money on carnival games, but watching people play is fun.

So, overall, I think I've simply come to the conclusion that it's nice to have the option.

And I praise God because this is one more thing that He's saved me from being enslaved to. He kept me away from temptation, He kept me grounded with loving parents and a loving family that keeps me accountable to my actions. And He also continues to provide these things regardless of my age.

So again, it's great that I have the option. But it's even more amazing when I choose to opt out.

21 on the 21st

2011-01-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

Last year I turned 20 and wrote a nifty little blog about growing older and "Standing on the promises of a Risen King" which continues to sustain in truth even as my 20th year comes to a close.

But, now I find myself at the beginning of a new year. My new year. That brings with it a plethora of strange and new realities.

And I'm not just talking the new legal realities, but the life realities. The ones that stand to root me more firmly into the ground as an adult.

::shivers::

Every time I think about it I get kind of wigged out.

I went back to read some of my old posts in regards to my birthday and they've all gone on about having a certain emotion.

16 = Impatience
"happy birthday to me
i'm sixteen yipee!
all i need is a permit
and i'll really be happy!!!"

17 = Awe
"turning seventeen...has inadvertantly turned everything around for me"

18 = Excitement
" it's not so hard anymore to picture myself as an adult, going off to college, graduate school, getting married, having kids. I can see it all happening.
And it looks so beautiful."

19 = Grateful
"I am proud that today is my birthday and extremely flattered that so many others are happy that it's my birthday too but, 1st Corinthians 1:31 says:
Therefore, as it is written: Let him who boasts boast in the Lord
So, the truth is, the glory HAS to go to God first, because it has nothing to do with me."

20 = Blessed
"I am truly blessed by a God who not only provides me my needs, but provides people to remind me of Him everyday. I see Christ in those around me and it makes my heart swell to know that I am not alone."

What emotion does 21 bring you ask?

Well, in the wake of reading, not just the last five birthday posts, but all the posts I could get my hands on, (going as far back as 8th grade)

I have realized that, this year, I am all of these emotions mixed together. I am slightly impatient to see what this year will bring, but in awe of God's power. I am excited for the life He is continuing in me, grateful that He saved me and truly blessed by His faithfulness to me ESPECIALLY in those bad years.

Looking back at the past 21 years I praise God because, even though I strayed from Him (a lot!), He never let me get too far away. And it's because of Him that I have reached this point in my life, where I am satisfied in His love, happy to be serving Him, and with a greater perspective on How lost I was and would still be without Him.

Thank you to all those who greeted me Happy Birthday. My only request is that you keep me accountable to my promise to God.

This year, I promise to give everything to God, because He gave everything for me.

-aarika

cause sometimes, tumblr just doesn't "blog" right.

2011-01-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

I find myself weary.

Exhausted by the racing of my mind
to the point where I have begun to veer in different directions.

Have I taken on too much?
Perhaps loaded myself more than I should have?
Well, I should think not,
only because there is very little difference
in my load from them and my load now.

Maybe it's all simply catching up to me?
That, at this moment in time,
I have become too tired to carry on
and my speed has reduced.

Reduced enough to leave me at the mercy
Of my failings?

Strange that it happen now,
In the days where I need to be at my best.
It's the final--push--
the final countdown--
the final lap...

But perhaps there is a reason for that.
Perhaps it is time to become even more serious.
There is no going back from here
therefore I've got to decide how I want to finish.

Strong.
Fighting.
With everything I've got.

Or slow.
Steady.
And nonchalant.

Hm. Doesn't seem like a hard decision...
until you're faced with the crossroad
and the easier way seems to be a road that moves for you.

Ten things that make my day a little better:

2010-11-16T12:18:00.000-08:00

10. insightful sayings from my favorite TV shows

9. when someone I just met still remembers my name after a few days

8. a full tank of gas

7. finishing a school assignment with time to spare

6. a good book quote

5. extra time to nap

4. well-timed text messages

3. when i remember the chords of a song

2. humming showtunes

1. when my dad says, "don't worry. I'll take care of it."

all of this is my medicine on really really REALLY stressful days like today

watching as they tread the proverbial boards

2010-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

So...it's come around again: my return to the theater.

=D

I can't lie...I really did miss the work. Despite the late hours and the fact that I've had to miss some pretty important events, I can't be too upset about it. God allowed me to sign up for this class year for a reason...and just like choir...coming back as a returner is different and more exhilarating.

This time around, I'm a "spot op" which basically means I maneuver the spotlight on characters and different things throughout the show.

It's harder than my last job...but, I like it. I think I would enjoy anything I would be asked to do (just short of acting) haha.

Praise God for new opportunities and also for old reminders of what's been pressing into my heart for a while now.

English 303B: Character sketch

2010-10-12T17:03:00.001-07:00

Professor Luck:
"I want you to write a passage about someone you know, create a character sketch of that person that truly shows rather than tells the character of this person. Be specific. This is one of the key things that fiction writers use, and when you're good at it, it really can make or break a piece."

~~~~~

We were driving to church in her beloved, beat up car, trading stories from the past week. I told her about the 3 pages I wrote then tossed out, while she rallied back with the video she took of herself dancing, but wasn't going to put up online.

"Why not?" I asked her. "I'm sure it's good."

"Psh." She scoffed, shaking her head. "No way girlfriend! Trust. It's just me jumping around like a fool. No one wants to see that!"

She parked her car in the empty lot and sat back in her chair, letting the engine and radio run below our conversation like elevator music. Neither of us moved to leave, instead finding solace to just sit in silence before I turned to her and sighed. "You're crazy wildcat." I told her. "What are you afraid of?"

She laughed out loud and shook her head at me, the smile taking over her entire face. "No, you're crazy 'wildcat'! Believe me, it's just nothing post worthy."

I rolled my eyes. "You gotta get over it man. You're good! Just own it!"

But she only laughed again, as if my confidence in her was completely ridiculous. She shook her head as she giggled and sighed melodramatically. "Just drop it man. I'll do it when I've got something good, don't you--AHHHH!"

The scream came so suddenly that I couldn't stop the laugh that tumbled from my lips. "What?!" I cried out but she only leaned forward and turned up the volume of her radio, screaming out, "I LOVE THIS SONG!!" She began to sway from side to side, letting the music take over her mood. She closed her eyes as she mouthed along with the words of the singer and gestured wildly with her hands creating spirals and shapes in the air as she completely let go to the song.

I sat back and shook my head, feeling my own body start to sway as the song continued. But my eyes stayed glued to her as she continued moving.

I had to smile because she looked so happy.

~~~~~

Dedicated and written for the unforgettable bestie that has blessed me:
RJuice/RJeans/RJeanius/RJeezy/Richelle

I believe in you! Just go out there and BE HAPPY!

-aarika

HP LOVE!

2010-10-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, let me just start my saying:

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS:
PART 1: NOV. 19TH, 2010
PART 2: JULY 15TH, 2010

i am so FLIPPIN' excited.

yeah, so when I was in the 5th grade and was first introduced to the Harry Potter series, I didn't expect much. I was more into my Left Behind Books and finding fiction that was under-appreciated by my peers.

My friend Jaimee Lasala was the first to push Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban into my hands and say, "Just read it. It's pretty good."

Who knew that nearly 10 years later it would serve as more than just a good read but a catalyst to the crazy writer that has turned into me.

I am so excited for this movie. and it will kick Twilight's BUTT!

my family

2010-10-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.

Desmond Tutu

I'll never get over how little time it takes to change us individually
but more so,
how little it changes who we are together.

God knows what I need.

2010-09-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”
Don DeLillo

In the last few months I have dreamt up dozens of different concepts for music videos, dance skits, dramatic monologues, and even movies. I've pictured in my head nearly a hundred different stories with complex character motivations, interactions, shortcomings, and triumphs.

But I haven't been writing.

And when I say that, I mean simply that, the world has become so much bigger than my fiction. In discovering all of these new creative outlets my writing is the one that has been suffering because, like anything in life that is steady and dependable, when brought up against a new shiny adventure it's easy to push dependable aside. To make time for the new and exciting and reason that the rest will always be there.

But that has terrified me.

Despite the fact that my mind was completely blown away by all of the different ways I discovered to express myself and how I have wanted nothing more than to just create and dedicate and motivate. *sigh* (which is what I still want)

As my actual writing...I have found myself stagnant. Blocked. Backed up.

And it hurts. It seriously pains me because I just feel bloated and overwhelmed. I want to write but every time I've sat down to just pour it all out I've felt like there's a lid on me. Like, I'm dripping all over the place but am unable to open myself up.

It's been daunting, especially with this quarter and the reminder that I have very little time left. Graduation is looking to be about a year away. What will I have to show at the end of it besides my degree?

But then....today I was reminded of God's goodness. Today reminded me of everything I've ever wanted and things have changed, which is CRAZY because I was just praying about this last night. I started this post last night.

So let me explain:

I've always been a bit of a freak. Harry Potter Freak, Fanfiction Freak, Read Or Die OVA Freak.

yeah. I know.

But, I am also one of the BIGGEST High School Musical Freaks ever. hahaha. I would say that it's embarrassing to admit, but....it's really not. I'm loud, I'm proud. And allowed, so don't hate. haha

Anyway, I was driving home from work today when the HSM 3 Finale song came on in my car (because I burned it on a CD). This song is forever one of my favorites because it reminds me of how that movie made me feel, but lately I've skipped it over it a couple times, or just turned my music off because I've been upset. Well not today.

This is what stuck out to me:

"Now we've finally realized, who we are it just took some time
We had to live and to learn, to see the truth!
(Learn to see the truth)
Nothing's ever impossible, into the future we all free fall
but forever we'll always have high school!

High School Musical, who says we have to let it go
It's the best part we've ever known, step into the future but hold on to
High School Musical, let's celebrate where we've come from

All together, makes it better
Memories that last forever
I want the rest of my life
to feel just like a, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!"

Okay, so, let's get something straight: I don't really miss my high school. I had a lot of fun, sure I can get nostalgic sometimes, but I know that high school belongs in my past. That's not what this song is talking about. To me, it's not literally about wanting to keep your mindset on high school forever or to never let go of it entirely, because...you have to at some point.

No, to me, this song reminded me of everything that I love about the High School Musical Trilogy.

I love the way it makes me feel. I love the message that comes across. The idea of how, when growing up, you are constantly at battle with stereotypes and the unknown of the future as well as all of the other things that can change your world forever when you're growing up. But High School Musical has always been about staying true to yourself. Not letting anyone define you or change you without your permission and most importantly that, when you want something you fight for it. When you love something and you're not sure how to fit it in your life, you make it work. It's not about making the right decision it's about making a good one.

And I realized that when it came to my writing I was letting myself get changed. I was looking at my work with such a critical eye that I was afraid to write things down. Nothing ever looked good enough and that's because it wasn't about being good enough for me, but for the rest of the world. I have wanted to be a published author since I was six years old. The past two years have really set in stone how HARD that is. How difficult the road is, and I got intimidated.

The reason why all of my other creative projects have been flourishing? It's because I did all of that out of love and pure uncompromising abandon. My writing hasn't been that way in a while and I need to get back to my basics. Because I still believe that this is what I'm meant to do. This is how I want to contribute and how I am going to contribute to this world.

And who cares if it's hard? Who cares if it's intimidating, I love writing. And I love my stories. Sure, there will always be people who will look at them and toss them aside, but what matters is what I think. If I love them, If I believe in them, then I should fight for them and be just as uncompromising.

"I want the rest of my life to feel just like my High School Musical"

Meaning? I want to spend the rest of my life feeling good about my work and knowing that it is good, it is centered, and it is me.

My dad is my hero.

2010-09-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've talked about this before with richelle jean, my accountabili-buddy, that i think my dad and i are a lot closer than me and my mom.

and that's not to say that my mom and i don't get along, we just butt heads more than my dad and i do. And if I'm being honest, I've always been a bit of a Daddy's girl.

I tell my dad pretty much everything and in return he's very straightforward and honest with me...even when I seem to miss the point of it all.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to PTL for my dad.

Whenever I have a conversation with someone about God and trusting His timing, trusting that He's listening and that He'll never leave us, I always reference my dad because he strikes me as a shining example of a godly man who strives to be Christ-like.

A lot of teenagers and the youth come to me and will express their struggles with feeling like God isn't listening to them or how they pray and God just doesn't seem to come fast enough. But my response is always that God has His own timing and the reason why He would choose to delay anything He gives us is justly reasoned.

Maybe it isn't what we need.
Maybe it isn't what we need at the moment.
Maybe we need to ask in a better way (meaning without selfish intention).
Maybe what we're praying for just isn't good for us
Or maybe we need learn something first before we can be ready for it.

First and foremost God is a father. He is the perfect Father and, like any father, He knows us better and what we need better than we know ourselves.

I always reference my dad because it has happened a lot in the past with me. I've asked to go to a party or to hang out or for money or for anything really and it's never about my dad NOT wanting to give it to me or my dad NOT caring enough to give it to me. Honestly, my dad would give the world to me if he could, but...he knows what's right. He loves me to much that his priority isn't what I want, but what is safe, what is right, what is good for me.

And that's God is towards us. It's not about Him, not caring or not loving us enough. It's about Him loving us SO much that we need to just trust His judgement.

My dad has never steered me wrong. My dad has always looked out for my best interests and I am so blessed because I know there are many other dads out there who don't take their job very seriously.

But God blessed me with an amazing dad, and that just proves that I can trust Him as my Father.

So, I PTL for my Darling Daddy and I PTL for being such a Fantastic Father in giving him to me.

More about saving my own life...

2010-09-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been full of me trying to fit in "catch up" time with everyone I can think of, since school hasn't started for me yet and I'm free as a bird until mid-September. But this past week I found everyone else busy and myself with no one to "catch up" with.

So what did I do? Rent movies from Redbox of course! And in God's all-knowing goodness He made sure there wouldn't be anyone to distract me from finding and watching this movie:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Story plot?

The film tells the story of Jake Taylor, a young man who has it all: a basketball scholarship, the ideal girlfriend, and the right friends. But faced with the demands of the in-crowd, Jake has written off his childhood best-friend, Roger. Isolated and mistreated, Roger finally takes his anger to the extreme when he shows up one day on campus with a gun.

Jake's last-ditch effort couldn't stop Roger. The events which follow start to change Jake's world forever. He begins to question everything. Most of all, he is unable to stop asking: "Could I have saved Roger?"

In his search for answers, Jake finds himself looking for the next Roger.

He reaches out to geeks, losers, and loners. However, crossing the strict high school caste lines threatens everything Jake values. It also pushes him to answer the most important question of all: What do I want my life to be about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This movie completely blew me away.

I mean, I've always loved Samuel Goldwyn Films, (the people responsible for Fireproof. Facing the Giants, etc. ) but "To Save A Life" is definitely a movie that surpassed my expectations. It addressed a lot of the problems young people face these days from drug and alcohol abuse to premarital sex to teen suicide and hazing even fear of the future. And what impressed me even more is that it addressed one of the biggest problems in the church regarding youth: kids who come to church out of habit and tradition rather than because they truly believe.

There is one portion of the movie that really sticks out in my mind and is the basis of this blog.

Jake Taylor, the main character, brings his girlfriend to Bible study for the first time and she quickly leaves feeling as though a lot of the girls (who go to school with her) were looking at her and passing judgement on her. She felt uncomfortable and like an outcast causing for her to want to leave.

When Jake returns to the Bible study after unsuccessfully trying to get her to stay he comes in time for the Youth Pastor to ask everyone for a moment of silence to reflect on Roger (Jake's old friend) and his suicide. He talks about how Roger had come to their Bible study the week before and wonders if maybe they had really opened up their arms to him he might still believe.

It's then during the "moment of silence" that Jake realizes that most of the kids in the room are not really paying attention. They continue to whisper under their breaths about school and their "regular" lives and it just throws him, causing him to lash out in anger
saying to all of them:

"Why come here if you don't let this change you?!"

And that spoke straight to me. It was a powerful thought and a powerful question made even more so by the fact that Jake (at this particular moment in the movie) was a non-believer. Someone who was coming looking to be changed or for a change.

I mean, we've all experienced those moments when we get fed up with people who just make the same mistakes over and over again and don't do anything to do better next time. But how often do we realize when we're the ones doing it? When we're the ones that keep making the same mistake or the ones that can't seem to change our ways? Maybe we're the ones that don't want to change our ways?

What about those people who can feel like there is something missing in their lives and so they come to church looking to be changed. How do we compare? Should we really be any different? Should we ever stop striving to be changed and transformed by the Gospel?

Gah. I don't know. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately and the bottom line of "To Save A Life" has just been echoing in my head.

"What do I want my life to be about?"

God.

That's what I want my life to be about. I want my life to be dedicated to Him and I don't want to be idle anymore. I don't want to stop changing and growing.

That's my prayer for this year. And I praise God so much for reminding me of that.

i am offered grace

2010-08-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

there are many instances in my life when i feel God's reality.

not all are blatant nor subtle,

nor trivial or life-changing.
They are simply instances that are constant and subsequent of each other,
which serve to remind me that God is always working.

things that remind me that there is a God:

1. pablo neruda's sonnet XVII
2. sibling tv watching time with the perfect slice of pizza
3. reading sarah dessen books
4. cupcakes
5. waking up early without the alarm

they all seem so random, but the reality of God's presence is in the realization that none of these things would be possible without Him.

and that...is beautiful.

my pages and i

2010-08-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

when i was three years old,
my father taught me how to read
and a whole world came to life.

As the years went on
i found that it wasn't just one whole world
but a gateway to millions.
Like the wood in The Magician's Nephew

and it has only grown
as more and more worlds have been discovered.

a few more favorable than others.

which taught me
a lot of things.
About happy endings. sad endings.
new beginnings.
old beginnings.

and it made me odd.
made me weird.

but most of all, it made me realize
that i could create worlds of my own.

and hopefully teach my kids to do the same.
start 'em young.

but anyway, that's beside the point.
Right now, I just PTL for all the things that brought me to this crossroads.
'Tis the most enjoyable one I've ever come to.
And the best thing is, I don't just have to choose one.

=]

the first of my thoughts: a writing exercise...

2010-08-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

i have five minutes to post this and successfully illustrate what goes on in my writer's mind.

to the summer heat
that's fading between hours of day and dusk
i say: "i'll miss you"
especially in those lazy afternoons
when there is no blanket to warm my resting place.

to the cool breeze
that is visiting more frequently
but not frequently enough,
i say:
"Stay a while a friend,
i need you around more than you think."

to the promises i made
before i knew what could stop me from keeping them
i say:
"I'm sorry. I wasn't as faithful as I should have been."

and to the adventures i found,
the spontaneous and trivial victories,
that made this season memorable
i say:
"It was nice to meet you. Thanks for all the pictures,
even if not all of them were able to be taken."

to the dwindling season of summer lovin'
i say:
"so long and thanks...it was nice knowing you."

end.

the little things in life

2010-08-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

you can't beat the feeling of a simple stroll.
when there's no where to be
no where to go
and all that is left to do

is watch life around you unfold.

For the Bestie that has Blessed me

2010-08-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

A Smile List

1. watching scary movies with my family

My cousins, siblings, and i LOVE Asian scary movies.
And for the last few years it's been one of our favorite things to do when we are all together. Whether the movie is good, bad, or has a strange and twisted ending...the fact that we can all come together and scream our heads off, never fails to put a smile on my face.

2. dancing to VBS songs

Choreographing VBS songs has turned out to be one of the most fun things about summer for me.
The thrill of making up fun and catchy movies with the excitement of seeing it being mirrored by young kids results in VBS time being my FAVORITE thing about summer. I can't wait for next year.

3. when a little kid says something smart and unexpected. (i.e. when Sabrina (2 1/2 yrs) looked at the toilet at church and said, "Hey, I have one of those at my house.")

My niece Ava, my nephew Noah, as well as a plethora of children from church never cease to amaze me with their insight and ingenuity. They always speak the truth and speak whatever comes to mind. Though they may get scared and shy at times, they still are more honest than people twice their age. I love the darndest things they say. Just, LOVE IT!

4. the CFBC youth

The past two years, I have realized my love for the youth. I have realized my desire to work with youth and to never stop. Seeing their faces when they realize God's love and feel His presence always always reminds me of how beautiful the Gospel is.

5. answering hard questions without doubt

Growing up, witnessing and sharing my faith was always one of the hardest things to do. I was scared, nervous, unsure of myself and my knowledge. But as I got older I began to see that it was never about knowledge. It was always about wisdom. And wisdom comes from experience. Wisdom comes from the Holy Spirit. Wisdom comes from experiencing the Holy Spirit working in you. Now, I have to smile whenever this happens, because it reminds me that God is using me and I have no reason to be afraid.

6. being hit with the urge to do something for or say something to someone else and it turning out to be exactly what they need.

I have said this before, and I'll say it again. I love buying things for people. I love giving things to people. I love doing things unexpectedly, like buying food or boba for my friends and family. I love giving rides. I love offering help to those who are overwhelmed by their loads. I love saying "yes". And I'll admit, I say it too much. I get myself in trouble with money and with time management. But I can never say that I regret any of it, because, at the time, it needed to be done, and if I was capable of doing it, by golly, I did it.

7. getting a new story idea
8. seeing a play unfold in my head

God gave me a gift with stories. So when I get a new idea for a book or a play, I consider it straight from Him.
I always think and hope and pray that, "God could use this to change the world." And sometimes....He does. At least lately, He's been using it to change my world.

9. teaching a song and listening to the final product

Music has proven to be a driving force that is unstoppable in this world. While amazing speeches and great books can cause a generation to stop and take notice, a song can always surpass. It can say more in just one verse than a whole novel can, and when done purely with focused and God-centered intentions, they can help God reach out and touch others.

10. knowing that God just wants me to love Him because He loved me first.

I fail all the time. I am a major failer and a major failure.
But God loves me for me and nothing has ever changed that. Nothing will ever change that. So I just gotta accept it and return the favor. He asks of so little but gives so much.

dedicated to richelle jeanius. my number eleven who just didn't make the cut for this list.

VBS 2010

2010-08-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

So the time has finally come... for VBS.

and for those who have no inclination as to what that is, it stands for

Vacation Bible School

mMm. feels so good to be dedicating a whole week entirely to the Lord.
Granted, we should always be striving to dedicate ALL of our time to the Lord, but sometimes we let time slip away from us and it's moments like this, when you truly schedule your life around your relationship with God, that it puts everything else into perspective.

The past two days have been JAMPACKED full of activities. And when I finally can stop myself from nodding off, I'll be able to expand more, but let me just share with you my favorite song from this year's VBS.

You know, a lot of people didn't like it after they first heard it because it has some yodeling. But once you get through, you realize that it is actually a REALLY great song.
CHECK IT!

TUMBLEWEED:

Don't be a tumbleweed
Going anywhere the wind may lead
plant your self deep
in the B.I.B.L.E.

God's word can set you free
From being like that tumbleweed
If you just take the time to learn your ABC's

You've got to A admit to God that you're a sinner
And repent
And turn away from your sin

You've got to B Believe that Jesus is the Son of God
And accept His gift of forgiveness
You've got to C confess your faith in Jesus
As your savior and Lord
Forevermore

And you won't ever be like a tumbleweed

Don't be a dried up
Fried up
Petrified.
Just let the love of God change you inside.
He's got a plan for you,
I guarantee

And it all begins with the ABC's

a little poetry on the side.

2010-07-13T01:14:00.000-07:00

That Could Have Been Us

[What I've learned from Manila]

I saw a boy today,

who had no shoes.

The rain had begun to fall

and the mud began to rise up.

He walked through the streets--

with a metal rod as his scepter,

A broken piece from one of the broken buildings

That he claimed as his home.

He wore no shirt,
no shoes,

shorts that frayed at the seams,

and a smile, bigger and more genuine

than anyone would suspect.

The truth?

Most would have lost their smile long ago,

if they were forced to wade

through the circumstances of his.

But,

He knows of nothing else

than the life of which he leads.

In the squalor and the slums

Of a city where it's too hot,

too old,

and often times
too dangerous to tread alone.

He's never been to a place--

where the furniture is clean,

where it is warm and inviting,

sheltered from the rain.

He knows that such pleasures exist,

but exist in his world?

It's only a dream.

A dream that is my reality

While his reality would be my nightmare.

He wouldn't look at me and my life,

And muse that I could have been him

In another place,

another time,

If God had decided to write a different plan...

But as I looked at him,

Offering out his hand for spare change--

and leaping for joy at the 30 pesos
we pressed into his palm

I know, given the place,

given the time

given if God had written a different plan

He could have very well...

been me.

In the future, but stuck in the past.

2010-07-12T13:04:00.001-07:00

So, my sleeping schedule has been a little ridiculous:

The earlier I sleep, the easier it is to sleep through the night.

The later I sleep....well...the earlier I wake up.

Gah! How fair is that?!?

Ah well. What can you do about it? I will say this though. Waking up earlier gets me some uninterrupted computer time with the internet all to myself. XD "nax! what a bonus!" So, let's do a quick recap on yesterday...or rather the today that happened yesterday, and when I am able to find the camera later, I'll add pictures.

But here's what to expect in my next post:
[these are not pictures I took, just ones i found. The ones i took will be posted, but they pretty much are summed by these ones.]

Our trip to Ocean Park

Where we encountered fish that eat dead skin for 120ph/20 minutes (or 10 minutes with purchase of Ocean Park Ticket

And also, an AMAZING and soothing Jellyfish display

Then our venture into the Mall of Asia

where we got a little something for one of my dearest cousins.

Then trekked to TriNoma
just end our day with the Ju-Ju Boy worn out and cranky.
Good day. Hopefully I'll have pictures up soon.

till later.

in lieu of my new discovery...

2010-07-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

I am putting up a VLOG!
Yes. I thought it would be cool to put up a short vlog about where I'm staying and who I'm staying with.

God has been so good to me in this experience and since I can't seem to upload the pictures of my AMAZING discovery today, I figure I'll try again tomorrow and put up my Vlog instead. I pray that it will be the first of many and that the connection here won't be too slow that it'll be really difficult.

Hope you enjoy the randomness that ensues.

Maligayang Pagbabalik

2010-07-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

"Welcome Back"

A poem of my trip so far.

I've landed in the motherland.
The land of my mother,
of my father,
of my family,
and of all that makes up me.

This is where I come from.
Where it is my life started.
Not, technically, in the womb
Or in the mind of my parents
But in the plan of God.

He made it so,
Here.
In this place.

This place where my grandfather was saved.
Where he met my grandmother.
Where they created this life together.
And built a family AND a church.

Here,
where my mother was born first,
and my father, five years later,
on a completely separate island.

Here,
that offered a life
an education
and then a realization
of a life elsewhere.

Which then brought them there.
To my home across the sea,
and into the life
that I just stepped away from.

So now,
Since I've landed in the motherland.
She has welcomed me back.

Alright. I will just come out and say it. It feels good to be back. It's an odd feeling being five years older and wiser than my last visit. And it's even stranger being here without my mom. But I'm not without family and I'm not without faith that God is going to use this trip to bless me in amazing ways. =D

first cool and fun fact/blessing? Being in the Philippines means that I get to use
"Google Pilipinas"

It's actually pretty cool. Helps me practice my Tagalog when I'm on the internet. XD
More to come! Keep an eye out and keep on praying!

see you when i see you.

2010-07-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I'm scared. I'm excited and giddy and nervous, but most of all scared.

To be faced with the situation I am in, it's no wonder I'm overwhelmed. But...at the same time I thank God for being in my life. Because without Him I wouldn't appreciate the opportunity and with Him I am able to be find joy in every moment of it.

God is so good and so wise and so...perfect.

He is everything I need and so now, in my fear, I look to Him for solace and for strength to press forward with courage. I may not be brave, but God is bigger than all my fears and anything I would be fearful of.

I am so blessed that I don't think I could ever press in words how thankful I am for what God has given me. But, He knows my heart and I find it amazing that that is enough for Him. =D

I'll update when I can and just know, this is a reminder that when things get you down or scare you or worry you, just sing:

"God is so good.
God is so good.
God is SO good.
He's so good to me.

God loves me so.
God loves me so.
God loves me so.
He's SO GOOD to me."

"I have set the Lord always before me.
Becayse he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8

i miss the music....

2010-06-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sondheim once said:

"Musicals are, by nature, theatrical, meaning poetic, meaning having to move the audience's imaginations and create a suspension of disbelief, by which I mean there's no fourth wall."

And I want that in my life, for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I think that I might be crazy. Having this dream. I think that it's just a dream and I'm setting myself up for failure. I should just quit before I'm ahead...but...then I remember God has a plan and He must have a really big one for me if He keeps pressing this into my heart.

God planned for me to fall in love.

And He planned for me to find this and hear him through it.

Jerry Orbach:

"Now listen Sawyer and listen good.

Even if you don't give a damn about me, think of all those kids you'll be throwing out of work if you don't do this. Think of the songs that will whither and die if you don't get up there and sing them. Think of the costumes that will never be seen, the scenery never seen, the orchestrations never heard. Think of our show and the thrill and pleasure it could give to MILLIONS.
Think of "musical comedy" the most glorious words in the English language! Sawyer!

Think of BROADWAY!"

wow. there's a lot of oxygen...

2010-06-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Okay. It's been a while, but, I've finally made some time.

It has officially been a week since school let out and the first few days were spent cleaning and ridding myself of all of the things I was holding onto throughout the year. Clothes, textbooks, test papers, study guides. All of it had culminated over the course of nine months, but now, I am happy to report, that everything is either in the garbage or in a Balikbayan box postmarked for the Philippines.

It took three full days to sift through everything, but, as my sister said, "[My] closet doesn't look like Narnia's in there anymore." ;P

It was strange finding and coming across different bits of the year and even finding different bits of years LONG past. It was therapeutic and cleansing and strangely satisfying.

Like looking back for the first time after a run and seeing just how far you'd made it. Or checking your watch after a really hectic flood of customers and realizing that your shift is almost over.

It was gratifying.

But now that my cleaning is done...I find myself in a strange place.

Suddenly, after months and months of a jam-packed busyness, I find myself with a LOT of spare time on my hands.

Now, with the quarter over I am no longer required to rush from work to school to church then back home to sleep it all off until having to do it again the next day.

[that was me]

In fact! I'm not really required to do anything....

And so a lot of my time has been spent staring at that ceiling or at the wall just in awe. This whole year, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. There were weeks when I just felt so tired and so misunderstood that I didn't think my body would be able to handle it.

But God sustained me and He continues to do so.

The only trouble is, trying to figure out what to do with myself. With all of this free time, what do I need to do? For myself? This whole year has been dedicated to school and to church and to work. I've been running around thinking and contemplating what can I do for everyone else. But, I was always hard pressed to put myself in to consideration. I guess I always reasoned that there would be enough time for me later.

But, later has come apparently.

With the cleaning done I'm freed up. Sure there is family and friends to visit, people to meet up with and the weekly hangouts that come about during the week. But, for instance, moments like right now, when I'm all alone in the house and NOT too tired to function, I'm jittery. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not and it's odd.

And yet, God is slowly helping me understand that this our time. His and mine to be together. To do things together. Things that I've been wanting to do.

My Father wants to hang out with me.

And that is so exciting.

This summer, no matter where I am. I just want to be able to enjoy things with Him and be reminded of the things that He has given to me to enjoy. I've realized lately that that's what He's been doing. [I have been such a sucker lately for subtle beauties in the world]

like a girl putting her trust in a trustworthy guy.

Like, the stories I grew up with.
The ones that remind me of what love is and that it was created by a Loving God.
[yes. even Harry Potter, which talks about the sacrifices for love]

Like the genius of paper flowers. [which I am mastering]

And the awesomeness of cupcake decorating [which i want to learn how to do]
That proves anything has the potential to be beautiful, if given the chance.

like the words of one of my favorite poets.
[Who I wrote my final paper on]
and reminded me that, contrary to what this world says:
Love does not have to be outlandish and extroverted.
Love can an expression that is intimate and subtle.

I just want to be in love with God again.

You know, in Bible study we've been talking a lot about the book of John and the miracles Jesus did. And, moreover, how He gave it all to God. How He didn't want glory for Himself but for the Father and I want to be like that. I want to make God important again. More important than anything else in this world and pull myself away from the crowds like Jesus did. Pull myself away and to a secluded place for just me and My Dad.

Well Gandhi....I'm working on it. =P

it was a learning experience.

2010-06-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

"I can't expose a human weakness on the stage unless I know it through having it myself."
- Tennessee Williams -

The last few weeks have been oddly eye-opening.

And, as of late, I've come to find out a few things about myself that, aren't necessarily new, but...bigger than I thought them to be. More important, if you will.

So what's the next step?

Not sure. But, at this moment in time, I think I'm just going to ride it out as best I can and see where God's leading. Because, quiet honestly, I have no idea what's going on. Just that so far the ride has been enlightening, terrifying, and extremely fun.

Best combination there is, if you ask me.

i just need some clarity.

2010-06-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

James 1:5-6
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Lately, my mind has been in shambles.

There are so many things that I've learned about myself within the last few weeks that I'm not sure where my head is at anymore. I've gotten inspired in a completely different way than what was expected and now it seems to have thrown all of my original plans onto the drawing board again. But is that wise? Is that safe?

the big question seems to be: Am I considering all of this for the right reasons? Or am I putting myself on a path that is more than a little rickety? More like, into the unknown?

I want to jump. But should I jump? And what are the repercussions that will follow if I do?

What are the repercussions that will follow if I don't?

Lord, I just want your guidance.
I want to do the right thing for the right reasons
And I want to trust that you'll take care of it all.

Please just, help me find You in all this.

lately i've been wanting to get up and...

2010-06-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

dance.

make my own rainbows.
make something out of something.
read the books that made me love books.
travel the world.
and fall in love.
i just want to live and love the Lord.

Proud mama.

2010-05-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

last night was Cassie's last choir concert ever and she completely rocked it. =D

It's strange to think that four years have passed by in such a flash. When I think back on it all it is just too crazy for words sometimes....

But getting to watch Cassie take that stage as a senior, as a Madrigal, as a four-year choir member, and being able to do it side by side with her best and closest friends in the world made me choke up a little.

I've always been pinned as matronly. Motherly I guess. I have a bad habit of being a mom to everyone, but I just can't help it. I have a habit of getting involved and I believe everyone needs someone to be proud of them sometimes, and yet not everyone has somebody.

Granted, my sister and her friends all have great support systems and a great number of friends who are all proud of them. But that doesn't erase the fact that I am to.

I am very proud of all those high schoolers who have accomplished four years of hard work. I am proud that they ended strong that they have grown so much, with so much in store for them in the future. And I'm also glad that I got to watch them do it. I love you guys.

To my sister, even though we don't get along sometimes. I am so proud of you. And I love you.

the calm before the storm.

2010-05-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

the next few weeks are going to be incredibly, horribly busy.

School is promising to be jam-packed with events and work and what not, so...I find it necessary to enjoy the time I have left to truly (truly, i say to you) capitalize on the moments of freedom.

And today was a good start.

I went to work this morning, no shocker there since it has been nearly two months since our new schedule has had me working 6 days a week. Worked from 6-11am then headed home to impatiently count down the minutes until Cassie's chamber audition interview while driving around looking for sour spray candy.

Smart & Final, the 99 cent store, and finally Blockbuster (where I rented a few goodies) then we were on our way.

It just so happened that all of the people I wanted to hang out with today had zero plans, so HOORAY for the ability to schedule some discipleship and accountability hang out time.

After Cassie's audition, which she killed btw, I dropped off Cassie for Choir practice, then picked up Kristine and Lidia before heading to our regular discipleship hang out: Hometown Buffet.

We ate WAY more than necessary and had a lot of great talks about how all three of us are awkward...but apparently I win the awkward award. (eh. not surprised)

Moving on: from there we picked up Melissa and trekked to P. Eddie's house for some quality Ormeo Family time, meeting up with the Reyei + mis hermanos. Getting down to business we unearthed the spoils of my trip to Blockbuster:

Ponyo
(Ghibli Studios' rendition of Little Mermaid)

And Valentine's Day
(one of my FAVORITE movies)

woot. loved it. And was reminded of the importance of fellowship. =D

I have thought about it alot over the past year. Thought about the type of ministry I feel God calling me to and my eyes have been opened to just how impactful a God centered relationship can be on all parties involved.

While I love music and LOVE my musicals, what I love more is the avenues that open up through them. The opportunities to become stronger together and to encourage others who are in need of it outweighs any amount of sheet music I could acquire. My only hope is to continue on doing the work and being a light for Christ to shine through.

Colossians 2:2-3
²My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

spinning into perspective

2010-05-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

"i got into a car accident."

Saying it out loud feels shocking and so I can't really be surprised by the reactions I get when I say it, but still, I find it unfathomable.

but here the facts:

I was driving down the 57 south, on my way to go pick up Alanna and Eric and possibly EJ for Cassie and Garrett's Cabaret show. I had just merged from the 10 west and was about 1/2 mile away from Sunset Crossing when I realized the lady in my left lane was preparing to merge into me. I don't even think she saw me or saw the fact that she sandwiched me between her car and another, but she just kept going. She was going to hit me. And so my initial instinct was to pull away.

I swerved right and then realized there was another car there and then swerved left again in my lane only to find her still coming. So I broke (out of instinct) and then the car fishtailed.

I lost control of the wheel and just felt the car drift; turning within the lane to face the wrong way and it kept going.

I remember thinking, "Please just don't hit anything. Please just don't hit anything. Please everyone just get out of the way." And my overactive imagination was running 6 million miles a second picturing collisions and overturned cars etc. etc. Finally, it was over. When my head stopped spinning I found myself facing the Northbound 57 and cars coming up on my left.

A few cars went around me, but most stopped and waited while I got my bearings and pulled out. It was there at the side of the road that I began hyperventilating.

After that it was a blur of tears and conversations in broken English between me, my parents (who came to my rescue) and the Asian couple who's driver's door was smashed in. I was set to believe that it had all been my fault, that I must have hit them and would have to suffer the consequences of that, but...they said it wasn't me. They said it was someone else that hit them and drove off.

Honestly? I don't think I'll ever be sure.

It all happened so fast. All I do remember was that, I forgot to think about myself in the situation. Throughout the entire ordeal I just kept thinking, "Please everyone stop. Don't come any closer. It's not safe. It's not safe." I was afraid of someone not seeing me and crashing into me and getting hurt.

I never realized what could have happened to me until my dad pointed it out later. He said, "Aarika do you realize that the way your car was spinning you could have tipped over?"

Honestly? No. I didn't know that. I didn't think about it. But I dreamt about it that night. I dreamt about it and daydreamed about it and when I close my eyes I can still relive it.

When you look at it my car, you wouldn't think any of this happened to me. My jeep is beast that will not be killed. But it happened. And regardless of the nearly invisible outward injuries, I've still got a few internal ones. Cause I can't seem to forget them.

I still remember spinning and praying and not being able to breathe and telling everyone I was okay when I felt horrible inside. I still remember pushing everything aside and pretending I was fine and breaking down whenever anyone hugged me.

I still remember and I don't want to forget.

Because to forget it all would be to forget that God saved me. That God rescued me in my time of need and protected me. That, even after it, He reminded me of all the people in my life that care and worry about me. God reminded me of how He has blessed me with my family and church family and just a plethora of people who are willing and able to comfort me in times like this.

But God also showed me, that I'm not afraid of death or to die, because He's on the other side. Granted, that doesn't mean I WANT to die. But, at least I know that, if ever the time comes, I won't be fearful of it because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

And lastly, God showed me that I still have a lot of work to do. There are people here that I am meant to affect and work here that I meant to do for Him. And there are things that I want people to remember me by, so I better get to it.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."

Pslam 118:17

Exodus 31:3

2010-05-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

"And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in ALL kinds of crafts-"

I have been inspired this week, to do more than what I have been doing.
To create art--
in all sense of the word.

William Drake once wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

And lately I've been thinking about that a lot. Thinking about how I don't want to be limited to just one form of expression. If this quarter has taught me anything, it's that I have a love and a appreciation for all forms of art: visual AND performing and all fields must be explored in some way or another.

all expression is healthy.
all expression is needed.
all expression is soothing.
and all expression is under-appreciated.

tonight, under the influence of many of the kids in the youth group + the added incentive of my family performing, I went to watch, for the first time, The Young Americans perform. Now, I've heard about this group for YEARS. It's a standard topic among the Rowland High School show choirs, but...man. Who knew the dream that I've been having for the past two years was already one that came true?

The Young Americans are doing EXACTLY what I hope to be doing one day. Using music to, not only raise awareness of it's healing power, but to make a difference in the lives of the youth of today. Furthermore, for me, I want to use it for God's glory. To spread the Gospel. To tell people about Jesus. And to unite more than just youth to youth, but Christian to Christian.

I think this is exactly what I needed to put things into perspective. To push me to push harder for what I know God is calling me to do. For the first time, after watching a show like this, I realized how much I wanted to be a part of something like this. To do something like this.

And no, I didn't have the urge to get up and perform. I wanted to lead and direct. I wanted to spearhead shows like this...because I think I can do it. God has been pointing me in this direction. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

Yeah. I'm going to do it. CHECK IT OUT

-aarika

Are you Mary or Martha today?

2010-05-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

In the book of Luke there is the story of two sisters, Mary and Martha, who hosted a dinner where Jesus and His disciples attended. Martha, spent her time preparing the food, keeping the guests happy, and cleaning up after everyone. She did all this because Jesus was there, she wanted everything to be perfect for Him, she wanted to show her best to Him, wanted to be worthy of Him.

But she grew frustrated because her sister Mary was no help to her at all.

Mary stayed glued to Jesus' side, laying at His feet, tending to Jesus and only Jesus as she hung on His every word.

In the story, Martha became upset. I'm sure she felt cheated by her sister and felt like she was doing all the work. I wonder if she looked at Mary sitting by Jesus and thought,

"I would love to be there, listening to Jesus, but then who would bring out all of the food? Who would clean up the dishes? Who would refill the wine? Who would keep everything running smoothly? Surely the Jesus knows I want to be with Him, I just can't. If only Mary would help, then I wouldn't have do to it alone! Then maybe we could switch places from time to time...or finish early! But it still needs to get done! If I don't do it or she doesn't do it, who will?"

Maybe that's why she spoke out. Maybe that's why she asked Jesus to tell Mary to help her. But this is what Jesus said:

⁴¹"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things,
⁴²but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:41-42

Jesus told Martha that all the things she was worried about were unnecessary. Not to say they were unimportant or stupid, but unneeded. The only thing she needed to concern herself with was spending time with Him, building a relationship with Him, learning from Him, and that's why Mary had made the better choice. Jesus told Martha that because Mary had chosen Him, no one could take Him away from her and, likewise, no one could take her away from Him.

Jesus wanted the same for Martha. He wanted them to be close and to spend as much time as they could together because He loved her, and, though I'm sure He appreciated her efforts and her desire to make everything perfect for Him, He knew that He didn't need perfect. He just needed her.

I just keep going over what Jesus said in my head, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." and I keep thinking about all those times where I've felt like Martha. Where I've stood knee deep in the flood of my schedules, deadlines, and responsibilities and said, "But if I don't get this done now, then it'll never get done!" or "If I don't do it, then no one will."

But Jesus said not to worry about that stuff. He said, all that other stuff is just EXTRA and that as long as you take care of what's important, which in this case is my relationship with Him...all that other stuff will fall into place.

All that other stuff will get taken care of, by the most reliable person I sometimes never ask for....

The truth for today?

If I don't get this done now, God will take care of it.

If I don't do it now, God will take care of it.

That is always the right answer.

my heart. my art.

2010-04-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

i dream in song and on the the page,
in different angles of light and stage.

when the curtain drops and the music fades in,
i picture how it all begins

and how it flows up to the end
becoming real and not pretend.

Lately, I've been dreaming of a myriad of dancers and singers, dressed in white. Five principal characters, three supporting, and one true God who is my Executive Producer + Director. I know I just wrapped up one show...but it's got to mean something if it only took two days to finish a script I haven't touched in over a year.

Right?

self-reminder:

2010-04-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

1st Chroincles 22:19

"Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the LORD your God. Begin to build the sanctuary of the LORD God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the LORD and the sacred articles belonging to God into the temple that will be built for the Name of the LORD."

Lord. I proclaim, in front of all who will listen, that my happiness lies in you and only you. And that my life is devoted to serving you.
Whether it be through music. through theater. through writing. or through bagels. I will devote it all to you with a happy and loving heart.

different times. different people. Same God.

2010-04-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

the years have stretched us apart
and left a mark in between.

we rub in the aloe
to try and erase it,
but it's not leaving fast enough.
And even if it goes away,
it'll never truly fade.

So we are stuck
with the faint reminder
Of our connection
As well as the reailty
that we are no longer connected.

And yet in the grand scheme of things
We forget to notice that,
when taking in the picture,
When seeing ourselves in the mirror,
The entirety envelopes the minute details.

Therefore, we can take solace in the fact
That though wrinkles and stretch marks may litter our body,
And the imperfections numerous when counted out,

We are still good.
Healthy.
And Loved.

Amen.

I see a generation

2010-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Friday night we sang the Hillsong United praise and worship song "Hosanna"and, though Ian has talked about being blessed by this before, I just reiterate that the stanzaa:

"I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith.

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees."

rings true for me. I see it. I see it.

I see it in EJ's leadership.

I see it in Kristine's hunger for the truth
In Lidia's joy and willingness to learn.

I see it in Eric and his music.
In Garrett and his compassion.

I see it in Derek and Aljay's comraderie
And Melissa and Kathleen's loyalty.

In the Hernandez sisters' generosity
And even Chelsea and her consistency.

Yes they all have struggles, they all have burdens, and they all have given me those moments when I feel like I want to shake them and pull my own hair out.

But I see it. I see God in them. And though they may have doubts and fears and issues of disbelief, God is never going to leave them, and if I can get anything across to them in the time that I have with them. It's that:

God will never leave you. And as long as He allows it, neither will I.

The past few weeks have been a struggle for the youth leaders. So much has changed in such a small amount of time that I can see the weariness and I've felt it too. =P

But Friday night, as we sang that song, God comforted me. Reminded me of how He is always working and proved it true with the youth's Surprise Appreciation Party.

To say I was surprised would be a complete and utter understatement. I was shocked and thrown off-guard. I was unsure of what to do other than thank them and praise God for his incomparable timing, because the timing was just a little too coincidental. Gotta love it though. Usually it's us that plan everything for the youth and surprise them randomly with cake and parties.

This time around it was all them and exceptionally successful.

[save for my epic fail as I hid in the other room during the big reveal. soooo not my fault that I thought it was a surprise party for alex..who's actual birthday is like...in june. hahahaha]

See: A cake and everything. You guys are such a blessing.

And I think this is the beginning of a revival. Why do I say that? Hah, well...why not? Why can't it happen right now?

The ball is in our court. So let's be decisive. What are we gonna do?

Reflection (i've always secretly loved these)

2010-04-08T22:33:00.001-07:00

RULES:
> Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
> For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
> YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
We Are Broken - Paramore

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
I'm Feeling You - Santana Feat. Michelle Branch & the Wreckers

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
One and the Same - Demi Lovato & Selena Gomez

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Perfect Teeth - Motion City Soundtrack

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Alive - P.O.D.

6. WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Tomorrow - Paul Williams

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
All Star - Smash Mouth

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - Andrews Sisters

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Ultraviolet - Stiff Dylans

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Army - Ben Folds Five

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes - Daniel Bedingfield

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Jealous Guy - John Lennon

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Spend My Life With You - Bo and Do Nacita

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) Billy Joel

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Maybe (Next to Normal) - Next To Normal

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Why is Love So Hard To Find - Jesse McCartney

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Good Girls Go Bad ft. Leighton Meester

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
A Night To Remember - High School Musical Cast

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Misery Business - Paramore

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Reflection - Christina Aguilera

yup. that's what i meant:

2010-04-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

So, this is my monday/wednesday schedule:

5am-8am:
Work
[yuck.]
9:20-10:30am:
Theater Arts 260
[i am officially in LOVE with this class]
10:40-11:50am:
English 301B
[poetry class]
11:50-1:10pm:
My Lunch Break.
[campus is expensive]
1:20-2:10pm:
Psych 115
[it's my "feelings" class]
2:40-3:50pm:
English 418

[fiction writing]
4:00-5:50pm
My Nap time
[my car needs to get more comfortable]

6:00-9:50pm
Art 123
[Art & technology]

And it is OFFICIALLY
a new quarter.Honestly? I've never been so stoked for school before.

The first day is ALWAYS the first impression and, for me, it's when I realize whether or not I'm going to be pulling my hair out by midterms or consistently excited to start my days.

Now, in starting ANY new school term, there are 3 Important Factors that I ALWAYS consider:
1. Interest in the Subject
If you go into a class with the mindset that you DON'T want to be there, you are totally and completely setting yourself up for failure. A class you don't want to be in will always stay that way, so you will be prone to bow out, either early or entirely, or you'll just be mad the whole time and not get anything done. Granted, there will always be those subjects that you can't avoid. Classes you HAVE to take for GE credit or as a prerequisite etc. etc. It's a part of college, but...that's why this next one is SO important:

2.Professor
If don't like your professor, you will NOT do well in the class. A disliked Professor is one that is easily tuned out and, though it can be their fault for being uncharismatic and boring, you've got to work with it. Partner an uninteresting subject with an uninteresting professor and you've got a high risk Fail in the making.

But a GREAT Professor can make even the most boring subjects bearable. I hated taking Biology, especially when I learned I had to take capstone class, I was ready to cry. But my teacher was awesome and she made everyday fun and easy to understand and she was prone to cutting class short. Therefore? I got an A. Perfect example. KNOW YOUR PROFESSORS.

and
3. Familiar Faces

Being alone in a class that you don't want to be in or in a class where you have a professor that you don't want to be with is extremely uncomfortable. That's why it pays to make friends in your classes, and in your department. This way, even if you suffer, you have someone to do it with. And when you need to study, you don't have to make awkward advances towards classmates you have never met. When you've got a partner you are set. ESPECIALLY for those taboo moments like: Group projects [bleh]

So, always try to find someone you know in class. If you don't, then obviously it's time to make a friend, because I promise, having a partner to sit next to and to study with makes midterms, finals, and quizzes a LOT more enjoyable.

Take for example my French 102 class:

I am NOT great with Foreign languages, and during French 101, I was blessed with a very forgiving Professor who liked me. Therefore, she helped me a lot. BUT I was concerned about when I went on to 102. What if this teacher didn't help me? And what if I failed! Thankfully, not only was Professor Wolfgang really nice, I was in the class with about 1/2 of my French 101 class. Having them all there, made it a lot easier to talk freely and without nerves. They weren't judging me because they knew what I was going through. They were my class friends and now, I see them outside of French in OTHER classes and we suffer through THOSE classes together now to.

So what's my rating of this quarter when considering my THREE very important factors?

Well,
I don't know who this baby is, but he's got the right idea.
HAHA

Two thumbs up.
This quarter rates high on the awesome scale.
Not only do I have an immense interest in all of my classes,
(especially my theater and english classes)
I also love each of my professors.
I don't get bad vibes and they know their stuff. Granted there may be one that will flip on me throughout the quarter, but I can roll with the punches.
And of course, in each of my classes, save for one, I have at least one buddy from last quarter.

In the words of Miley Cyrus
[who's new movie my sister is begging me to take her to]

"Mix it all together and you know you got..."
what?
HAHAHAHAHA
woot. As corny as it is...let's pray it stays that way.
=D

Resurrection Day

2010-04-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

He is faithful.
I am not.

He is perfect.
I am not.

He is worthy.
I am not.

And,
He was punished.
I was not.

The first four books of the Gospel are four different accounts of Jesus and His unbelievable act of sacrifice. Four different views of Christ's love from four different people who had four different personalities. But, even though they are different, they all share one important story. Jesus Christ was perfect. He was a righteous and just man that followed the will of God because he loved God and He loved God enough to lay down His life for sinners like me and you. He was without flaw and yet He was punished in our place.

He took the fall for our sins and it is because of Him that we are SAVED.

thank you Lord for your sacrifice and for loving me enough to offer it.

The Original Glee

2010-04-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

it's times like these when i wish i was still singing.

took a vacation from myself.

2010-03-30T22:43:00.001-07:00

So...
I've never been a big fan of cities.
When my friends would go on and on and on about LA and living in Hollywood, in all honesty, I would say, "No thank you, not for me. Too crowded and the only thing I like is the theater."
But San Diego...?
Well, I just might make an exception.

Just came back from a very relaxing vacation with the family.

Last year, the sibs and I did not have the same spring break, so our family was forced to surrender our family time to a later date since we could not all be together.

But this year all returned to normal and after months of having to simply pass each other by in the hallways of our Upland home we got the chance to venture out as ONE unit into the well-loved Gaslamp district of Downtown SD.

It has always been one of my favorite places, and the last time I went...I think I was a senior and was seriously considering going to UCSD because of it.

Obviously God had other plans for me, which I don't resent in anyway.

But going back reminded me of all I loved about San Diego and how I truly believe that one day...I will go back on a more "long-term" visit.

Somehow, I can't imagine it not being an important site of my life. It's just a vibe I get, but for now, I can wait.

For now, I know that my place is here. Where I am, with the people I love,
And the work that I know has to be done.

So until then, I can wait. But SD, I'm coming for you baby!

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14

I really am a 90's kid.

2010-03-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

whenever I've seen those bulletins online that say to "mark" all of the things off some list that start off the with the request:

"finish this sentence: ice ice _____"

then moves on to mention the existence and coolness of yo-yos, skip it, and the rubix cube, I'll admit, they would age me. But moreover, they reminded me of everything I used to love about television and entertainment.

Recently, upon being reminded once more to truly think back on it all, I realized, especially in looking at what plagues our tv's now, that my childhood was a good one.

I mean, the majority of my time was spent in front of the television and I will say, I was a very happy child because of it. Granted, I have glasses and an extremely over-active imagination to show for it, but I was happy.

And lately, now, I find it hard to find something GOOD to watch, which makes me sad. -_-x

I mean, all there is now are the melodramatic sagas of teenagers with babies and small town supercouples that go against all odds, as well as hard-boiled detectives that use the system and their influence to cover for each other's mistakes. And that's all great...in moderation. But all the time? It's no wonder that our society is the way it is: desensitized to violence, corruption, and sex.

That's all we watch. Everything has a compromise. But what happened to the good old days when it was just plain entertainment? When it was funny and moral and just plain...good?

What happened to shows on -->Come on! You remember, things like:

When Melissa Joan Heart really did Explain it All...

When Larisa Oleynik was the original American Teenager with a secret life.
Only her secret was WAY cooler...

And Shelby Woo was the only detective we trusted.

And let's not forget what came before Survivor and Fear Factor.

Remember Legends of the Hidden Temple?
Or "GUTS"?
with it's big huge glowing mountain that was begging to be conquered?

What happened to all of that?

And why is Saturday Night Live the ONLY live sketch show that survived through our times?

The cast of All That were my heroes

And RoundHouse...well, they made me want to be a performer. Crystal Lewis has always been my idol.the 90's were a time where things were just good. Baggy pants and rainbow colored collared shirts and all...they were good. And they knew what good tv was.

see?

*sigh* I don't know. I guess it's just a shame that the state of television today is where it is. And I wonder if my younger cousins, nephews and nieces now are going to talk about Hannah Montana and Spongebob as fondly as I talk about Pinky and the Brain and Rocko's Modern Life.

I wonder if Wizards of Waverly Place is going to make as big an impact as Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

Is 90210 and Life Unexpected as good as Boy Meets World and Full House?

And will Degrassi and Secret Life of the American Teenager be the moral lessons for teens now as Roundhouse was for me?

I don't know. I just don't know. But I guess they will have to be.

I will say this though. I miss those shows....a lot.
Rest In Peace my dear childhood. And may you forever live in my memory.
=P

been ready to snap for days...

2010-03-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like I'm slipping.
"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me."
Psalms 55:16

the dreaded finals week

2010-03-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh. it's finally here.
One of the most stressful times of anyone's college career
All summed up by one word that occupies every student's mind from day one until graduation:

FINALS

DUH DUH DUH...

-_-x <-- See? Even my emoticon has a headache

wish me luck people. This has been me the last few days:

And it will be for the next week until next thursday when my last final ends at 4pm

From now until then, it's five essays, one journal, one (early) written exam, an oral final, and a workshop conference.

joy.

But at least I have a week. To those of you going through it right now?
May God's grace be with you. Haha.

-aarika

Letting God write my love story...

2010-03-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

i am a lover of words.

From books to lyrics to scripts to quotes, I find that, despite there being times when it feels like there are no words, saying that "there are no words" is enough.

Those are the words.
And therein lies my absolute favorite paradox.
=D

Anyway, moving on. Despite my love for words, I will admit that at times I can utterly loath the sight of them. It's what happens when you live the life that I live since after most nights this is me:yeah. real attractive right? But what can I say? Even an English Major has trouble keeping up with reading. And yet...I still find solace and comfort in reading.

I want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by books even though, at the present time, I loathe them. Hah. Another paradox. But this is how I imagine my life to be:

With my own personal library
Stacks and stacks of books
And I do mean Books EVERYWHERE.
(these stairs are so awesome)
Even in my bedroom
And in my bed. (HAHA)
So, despite my overwhelming reading list, I still love reading something new.
And I suspect I will always be that way.
God is so good for the love and passion He has given to me.
And one day, God-willing, my dream of contributing my words
to the words of the greats
will be fulfilled through His mercy.
This is what I think God is telling me:
And who am I to question Him?

Currently reading:
The Bible
"Seek ye out the book of the Lord, and read." Isaiah 34:16

The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King
"Eccentricty had flowered into madness."

The Eye of Jade by Diane Wei Liang
"With new freedom and opportunities
came new crimes. There would be much that
she could do."

Fearless by Max Lucado
"Fear corrodes our confidence in God"

When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
"Being single is an opportunity to discover who God has made us to be and what He has called us to in this life"

Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom
"It is more comforting to think God listened and said no, then to think that nobody's out there"

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
"I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish."

Gotta love it.

To Be Fearless

2010-03-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Some people fear of being great, but I've always been afraid that I would never get there. And so when the prospect of being workshop(ed) in my Intro to Fiction class came up I knew that I wouldn't be able to breathe for weeks.

For the first time ever, I was going to be critiqued on my fiction. My fiction, which I have worked on for nearly fifteen years to perfect and still have trouble believing is good. Decent maybe. Sometimes good. But great? -_-x not so much.

(i wrote this a few years back for another creative writing class)

what holds me back?
arrogance,
yet also
a lack of self-worth.
To be unsure of your ability,
at something you know you are good at.
is a curse in itself.

it's true.

I am good.
But I'm not great.

there is also self-induced pressure
of what I must live up to,
what i must mirror,
in order to, at the very least,
honor my predecessors.

With my writing,
How can I compare to that of Poe?
or Faulkner, or Salinger?
How can I live up to such names and be everything I want to be?
Everything I'm expected to be?
I am good at what I do. Yes,
But I am not great.

And in music...
Music is breath, music is life,
But to do my family justice,
Music is so much more than that.
It is passion and music is work.
I may be considered good
But again, I am not great.

So can you see now, just how terrified I was?

I mean, what if I submitted my piece and the truth was it wasn't great and there was no chance of it ever being great? Or worse! What if I've been lying to myself for years and I'm not even decent?! GAH! What if all my letters came back with one note back saying in horrible editor red:

"You suck. Change Majors."

-_-x oh goodness. I think I would just drop dead right there.

Because as I've said before and I will continue to say forever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I have to believe that God gave me this passion and this gift to do something with it.

But. I should know better than to doubt God. I mean...didn't I just learn that from the book Kristine, Lidia, and I are going through? Fear corrodes confidence in God and that we have to remember God's resume when we start doubting if He's there.

I should know better and God smacked me in the face with it today, during my workshop.

God used my teacher, this published Author, someone who is pretty much living the dream right now, (or at least a part of it) to open his letter to me with this:

"The story has enormous potential, and is already quite impressive. You have real talent."

and ended his letter with this:

"This could be a fantastic story, Aarika. You definitely need to keep writing."

Grade? "A-"

Holy crap. I had to actually pinch myself when I read this. Like seriously? I could cry.

I have talent? *haha* I know I've been told that before but...like...I've always been told by friends and family. They are supposed to say stuff like that aren't they? That's what they do! But...this teacher, who I've only known for a few weeks and who probably won't remember me much when I move on tells me that I "need to keep writing". How can that not be a sign?

How can that NOT be the grace of God?

*sigh* Lord I praise you for your faithfullness to me. Even in the midst of my doubt and my fear which corrodes my confidence in your greatness, you continue to be great. And you continue to embrace me with the reality that in You, I can be great too.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Deuteronomy 32:1-4

2010-03-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

¹ Listen, O heavens, and I will speak;
hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.

² Let my teaching fall like rain
and my words descend like dew,
like showers on new grass,
like abundant rain on tender plants.

³ I will proclaim the name of the LORD.
Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

⁴ He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he.

Opportunity Comes A'Knockin'

2010-02-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

I would be lying if I said I didn't have my reservations and fears about taking on more responsibility but...with the wrap up of the musical, I think this is God's way of giving me exactly what I was praying for. Relationships that were NOT rooted in obligation, but rather firm in concern and desire for accountability.

God continues to answer prayers.

But, goodness, it still baffles me when I think about how much time has passed. And I sometimes forget that I am no longer in a position to simply follow, but now must lead. Truthfully, following is always easier. Less stressful. But, when God calls, you answer, and when He tells you to lead, you lead.

Zechariah said this of his son John (the Baptist):

⁷⁶And you, my child,
will be called a prophet of the Most High;
for you will go on before the Lord
to prepare the way for him,
⁷⁷to give his people the knowledge of salvation
through the forgiveness of their sins,

We have been commissioned to reach out not just to those in nations across the globe, but to those who stand arms length away. In fact, when we reach out across the land, we're bound to touch upon those closest to us along the way right? This is just the beginning.

So despite my initial qualms about whether or not I was ready and if whether or not I was willing and able, I remembered that God has been calling me for a while and I have an opportunity to truly fulfill my mission statement, by serving those who I have a heart to serve, which allows me to serve the Lord.

This week I was reminded of this lesson:

¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ¹⁶keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

Some things never change. Like...there will always those people who are more than willing to tear you down. There will always be some kind of worldy drama that will cause you to backslide. There will always be temptations and hardships that make you struggle in your relationship with Christ. And I learned that through my own discipleship with Ate Niña.

But what else did I learn?

Another thing that never changes is that God loves us. His mercy and His compassion are constantly there and whenever we stray away, God doesn't. THAT NEVER CHANGES.

My prayer request for now? Is to remember what it means to be in this kind of relationship. That this isn't a social event. Coming together is not done for social reasons. We have been given this opportunity to keep each other focused on the cross and to be reminded that God must be bigger than everything else. ESPECIALLY each other.

John 3:30: He must become greater, I must become less.

Haha, I will say this. PTL for Kristine and Lidia, because I'm oober excited too.

My Faith Will Stay

2010-02-17T17:56:00.000-08:00

¹Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,

²To the holy and faithful brothers in Christ at Colosse:
Grace and peace to you from God our Father.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

³We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, ⁴because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— ⁵the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel ⁶that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. ⁷You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, ⁸and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

⁹For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. ¹⁰And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^d]"> to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. ¹³For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

The Supremacy of Christ

¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of^f]"> your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Paul's Labor for the Church

²⁴Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. ²⁷To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

²⁸We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. ²⁹To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

In the recent events that have conspired, the first chapter of Colossians really spoke to me. In reading this chapter I thought about CFBC and how this chapter said everything that I have wanted to say to my church about what I think God is calling me to do and what He is teaching me. And how, though unconventional my acts of praise to Him are, they come from my heart and they are driven by my desire to continually remind everyone around me about God's grace and providence.

Moving on to everything else...

[I plan to blog about the musical itself, but first and foremost I would like to talk about what God has taught me through it and just the reminders He has given to me]

There were many moments throughout the last few months where I questioned why I was doing what I was doing. Why had I chosen to put myself and those I around me, whom I loved, through all of the stress that comes with big, ambitious projects? But, in the aftermath, I think I have come out with a better understanding of what God wants from me.

ACTS OF FAITH was always a story about the Christian life. It presented the Gospel, but moreover it was about Christian living and how being a Christian does not make life easier. In fact, at times it is really hard to be Christian, especially in a world like today.

Even more, I think I wrote this musical for the youth of CFBC and the youth from other churches that I've encountered over the course of the past few years. I've seen so many falter and stray away from the path to the Cross. I've seen kids turn completely away and others who stand stagnant all because they are afraid to ask for help, they are afraid to be seen as Christians with dead faith, so...they keep quiet. Suffering (seemingly) alone so that they don't have to really deal with it. As long as no one else is aware, they can pretend that neither are they.

I know what that's like, feeling like you know the right answer, but not knowing why you can't apply it and afraid to ask for help because, then others might look at you and say, "aren't you Christian? shouldn't you know?" It feels shameful. As somebody who knows who God is, not being able to see Him makes you feel guilty and that begins the spiral down.

You want to breakdown, but you don't want to admit that God isn't the center, because you know He's supposed to be. You know He's supposed to be the driving force of your life and, when He isn't, what does that make you?

A liar?

A Hypocrite?

A fake?

A poser?

Yeah. I've felt that way too. That has always been one of my greatest fears, being called out as a fake. To have someone look at me and say, "You're a Christian? Yeah right. Quit fooling yourself 'cause you're not fooling me." Ouch. Talk about a nightmare.

Even God says in Psalms 26:4 "I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites"

But, God is so good to us. Even though we may find it hard to forgive ourselves, nothing is impossible or difficult for God. He forgives us even after we've turned away. And He continues to wait until we come back, because if we truly truly desire to be fulfilled by Him, He'll know that. He knows that.

You want proof?

The book of Jeremiah talks about the prophet Jeremiah and how he was striving to help the Jewish people repent their sins and turn back to God. He told them of the threats that were coming for their kingdom and how if they just look to the Lord He will save them, but they didn't want to. They shrugged him off and after a while Jeremiah became angry with the futility of if all. Finally God tells him to stop praying for His people and Jeremiah goes a little crazy, making His proclamations more pronounced and out there. He is taunted and picked on and eventually gets thrown in jail; even in a pit to be left for dead.

Now, I was reading through chapter 33, and I found this amazing: God had told Jeremiah to stop praying for the Jews and He shared with Jeremiah all that would happen when He hides His face from them. The destruction will be horrible and so great, but...He says that He will heal them. He says:

⁶ " 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. ⁷ I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. ⁸ I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. ⁹ Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'
Jeremiah 33:6-9

Don't you see? The greatest gift of God is His never-failing love and His faithfulness to us. One of my favorite lines in the entire musical is one of Amy Phu's lines where she says, "God is faithful to those are faithful." And that's so true. Even when we fail Him, even when we falter and stumble, He sees us and He promises to heal us.

And we may feel guilty over our shortcomings but guilt does not discount us from God. Guilt and conviction remind us that we need Him and even when we don't feel worthy the point isn't about what we feel, it's about who God is.

Going back to Colossians 1:

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Okay, so here's my story:

2010-02-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.

So, I'm going to be honest here.

I was born into a Christian home, into a Christian family and into a Christian life. And because of that, I assumed that I was born Christian.

For years I listened to my parents tell me over and over again how Jesus loved me and how He died for my sins and that if I just ask Jesus to come into my heart then everything would be okay.

I went to church every Sunday, attended Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, I even went to a Christian school and thought that I was set for life, because there was no way I couldn't be Christian. I was doing everything right.

But as I got older I started becoming labeled the "Christian" girl and because it was said negatively to me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people having expectations for me and I, especially, didn't like falling into them. So I started acting out.

By sixth grade I was, probably, the biggest potty-mouth ever. I cussed at everyone. I thought it made me cool. And the best thing about it was that I knew Jesus had forgiven me already so there was no harm in it. As long as I asked for forgiveness every night, I would be okay. Jesus knows I'm a sinner, so He knows I'm always gonna sin, and I knew that He was always going to forgive me because He knew my heart. I didn't really mean anything I said, I just...didn't want to be made fun of. He could understand that. Or, that's what I thought.

And that's where it all started. Me, twisting the doctrines I had learned to justify my sins.

By Junior High, I wasn't getting any better. I had fallen into this cliche idea of wanting to grow up really fast. I wanted it all. I wanted cool friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. And in process of that I let myself down.

I started acting up in school, my grades slipped, boys got the wrong idea about me and even worse my friends did too. I was the butt of the jokes. I knew people would say things about me, things that I didn't want them to say, but I brushed it off. I laughed it off as if I didn't care because I thought that if I pretended long enough, it would be true

But it never was. It always hurt. And because I didn't know what else to do, I tried harder to win the approval of my peers.

I let that become the center of my life. I pushed God aside because I reasoned that He was always gonna be there. He's God and He's everywhere. But my friends? I needed them. I couldn't survive high school without them. So I compromised everything for them.

At the time, I wouldn't have admitted it. I would have simply said, "My friends are important to me because I love them and I would do anything for them."

I was really really deluded.

When I would go home and think about my life, I knew something was missing. I would sit with my family around the dinner table and pray for God to bless the food or talk to my cousins on the phone, listening to them go on and on about their church activities and their youth groups and their small groups and I would feel so jealous because everyone else seemed to be so close to God but I couldn't feel Him anymore. Even worse, I felt like I was so far gone that there was no way God would still want to love me. I couldn't even get my friends to really care about me, not the way I wanted them to. So why would He?

I used to tell myself that God wouldn't want to be around a person like me. God wouldn't want to be there for the person that I'd become. Someone who was shallow and self-conscious and weak. I couldn't be strong for Him, so why would He waste time?

It wasn't until the summer before I reached high school that things started to change. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't instantaneous, it didn't hit me like a freight truck, and I didn't become a true believer over night. It was a slow process that started with these facts

I wasn't happy and I was scared.

That summer I had strangely been involved with my youth group. I think there was a slight buzz about being in high school and getting to actually be a part of it all, so it was exciting. But strange none the less. The beach trip and Revolution Camp had showed me what it would be like to have Christian friends and be around people who would keep you accountable. Being in that environment opened my eyes to what I had become.

I was a miserable and lost teenager who knew all the right answers, but was too afraid to use them. I knew who to ask for help and I knew they would help me, but I couldn't break my pride enough to get it done. I couldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, after years of pushing God away, was facing Him. Why? Because I was afraid of what I would see in myself through His eyes. I was afraid of facing the disappointment and the hurt. I was afraid to go home to my Father because I was convinced that He wouldn't want me back.

And it took a really long time until I trusted myself again with God and until I was strong enough to make that 180. I turned slowly degree by degree and...that's the way it had to be. I had a lot of baggage to drop along the way, had a lot of bad habits to kick as well as unhealthy relationships to cut off.

But it had to be done, and moreover, I slowly began to see God in my life. It was as if I had dropped my glasses and everything was blurry. I could only see shapes and silhouettes, but I could hear His voice, and I followed it, seeing Him become clearer and clearer as I approached.

I think it was truly my second church camp, the summer before Senior year, that God put my glasses back on.

It was that night before I left that I asked God to help me. To use the opportunity being given, as He had used the last one, to finally change me.

And He did.

I don't know if it was the music or the message or the fellowship, but I got slapped in the face with reality. The reality that God is real. And I felt so alive. More alive than I had ever felt before and,

I didn't want to go back to the person I was.
I wanted to cling to the God that He is.

And I strive every day to do just that. That's not say that I don't struggle. I fail miserably some times...but it's different now. All of those times that I failed and felt too guilty to come God; all those times that I just knew I was too unworthy to face Him. I now know that I was focusing on all the wrong things.

I failed? I was too unworthy?

newsflash: it's not about me
It's about Who He is and always will be.

In retrospect what I have learned?

I have learned that God is a loving God that finds me beautiful when I can't.
I have learned that I cannot make judgements for God on myself or anyone else.
I have learned that the first step, in any problem, is to always to give Him control
and I have learned that building a relationship with Him takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen in an instant. Like any other relationship you work at it day by day, minute by minute. And it's hard. It's really really hard. especially because sometimes it may seem too hard.

But, the great thing, is that:

He is totally and committed to you. So don't afraid to be totally committed to Him.

So...once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.
Today: she finally is.

²² Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22

"Just stand firm....

2010-02-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

and watch the Lord rescue you."

Exodus 14:13

2010-02-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

CLICK IF YOU CAN'T SEE BELOW!

Alright, so starts the countdown.

So, when I originally put this show together, I really had no idea as to how much of myself I was going to be putting into it...but suffice to say I have been made aware. Months of planning and compromising and pushing are coming to an end and the only thing I'm praying for now is strength and confidence. The strength to get through all of the final details, the confidence that God really is using me and that I won't fall flat on my face, and just the ability to trust that God knows I'm here and asking Him to use this, to use these kids, and to use me.

Come watch the show! I would be so blessed to see you there.

-aarika

What Cures Monday Morning Blues?

2010-01-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

Tuesdays.

So this is how it went --> Monday, 7:something in the morning she asked:

"what do you expect to do with that?"

A question thrown at me in regards to my major and my degree and the answer that I always give is this:

"Hopefully get published."

Then she threw this at me:

"That's it? You do know that only 10% of writers can live off of their work right?"

BAM. Slap in the face. A statistic. She hit me with a statistic. (ouch.) It was actually in the way she said it that unbalanced me. It was like she was saying, "You really expect to be that good? What are you retarded?" and it was in that moment that I faltered from my once steady pace into a "dragging-my-feet" kind of movement.

It hurt. It was unsettling and brought to surface all of the feelings of inadequacy that I've been successful in keeping to myself. I've always known how ridiculous I sound when I tell people all of the things I want to do with my life. People, honestly, look at me and raise their brow to my optimism before ultimately brushing me aside. I can see it in their faces. I know what they are all thinking. "If you think you can do it, go ahead and try."

See, that's not really a vote of confidence people, it's merely a nice way of saying, "You're most likely going to fail epically, but, hey, at least you tried, right?"

So from that moment in the morning I spiraled down into this seemingly never-ending hole of doubt over everything I've ever written or dreamed. And began to ask myself, "If this doesn't work out...what else is there?"

The truth: I don't think there is anything else. Anything else I would really want to do anyway. This has always been everything and at the root of it all, it's where everything I am stems from. So, in short, I had an intense case of writer's block because of all this doubt and was near-close to blindness.

blah.

But thankfully...Monday evening ended and so began Tuesday. Glorious Glorious Tuesday, making my way through French into English 318: Introduction to Fiction Writing.

Now, when I stepped into the class, her voice resonated within my heart, "You do know that only 10% of writers can live off of their work right?" And I felt my stomach drop as our workshop began. But after reading my piece,

(a rather riveting tale of my monotonous routine at work.)

My teacher smiled at me and nodded, "Very well written and with a lot of great stuff in there."

Okay, call me easily amused, but when a published Author compliments you, you take it. And suddenly the whole world seemed to be smiling again. No matter what she may have said, I know I'm a good writer and other people know I'm a good writer, so...why doubt it? The only one who is allowed to diminish my dreams and my aspirations is MYself. And she can keep her statistics.

hah. want to know what else I learned?

In my high school English classes were always taught that statistics can strengthen an argument, but now-a-days, especially in my line of work, a statistic, though they can sometimes get the point across, can also come off as dry. Impersonal. A generalization.

I learned that a character should never be a generalization and you have to add your own twist to them as people or else no one will read about them. No one wants to read about BORING people.

Therefore, I spit on that statistic. I refuse to be a generalization.

An apology.

2010-01-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

"it's different for me than it is for you."

I'm sorry for not realizing that sooner.

Haiti Footage

2010-01-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

I was asked to make a video for Bible Study about Haiti. And came across this, which was so much better than anything I could have ever tried to make:

After the Earthquake: A Compilation of Ciné Institute Coverage from Ciné Institute on Vimeo.

[if you can't see, click the link] ==> http://vimeo.com/8900120

Another Year to Serve Him

2010-01-21T11:56:00.000-08:00

Some may choose to define me

by the years that I've surpassed.
And recount to me the things I've done
And the things that my life has.

Others may try to advise me
On the years that have yet to come.
Regaling me of all their tales
And everything they've done.

But I define myself by a
Completely different scale
I'm defined by a God who has
Never ever failed.

I'm defined by His merciful heart
And the things that He has done,
By the sacrifice He made for me
By the sacrifice of His son.

And it is by the people He
has given to me over time
Who've impacted me in some miraculous way
That I am now defined.

My name is Aarika Alura. I am twenty years in the making and am so overly blessed it's nothing short of a miracle. I look back on everything and think of all that could have gone wrong in life. I could have been born into a small family that wasn't close-knit like mine is, I could have been born into a broken family, maybe a non-Christian family, or worse, a family that thought they were Christian but really weren't. I also could have fallen into the wrong crowd in school, I could have turned to drugs, to alcohol, to sex, to everything this world has to offer, I could have done it. I've been given the opportunity, I've been given the choice, but...

Here I am. Standing on the promises of a Risen King, who answered the prayers of my parents when they wanted their daughter to grow in Him, He answered my prayers when I asked for guidance and for strength, and He continues to never waver from me as I still seek Him.

I am truly blessed by a God who not only provides me my needs, but provides people to remind me of Him everyday. I see Christ in those around me and it makes my heart swell to know that I am not alone.

So, I praise God on this day.
For all the little moments like:

RJ calling me at 12am to sing Happy Birthday
And continuing to bless me with her friendship.

My dad, hearing the hail outside and getting super excited because, "It's just so cool."

My mom whipping out her camera just to record Garrett, Cassie, and I messing around and singing.

My brother and sister, who jump on me when I'm sleeping just to yell Happy Birthday
and pretend to fall asleep on top of me.

Noah and Ava who sing Glee at the top of their lungs

Uncle Tony saving me from car trouble.

When my family text and call me during class.

When my youth group, inspires me with different ways to Glorify God.

the High Schoolers, putting up with my lame "don't-know-what-a-cool-card" is moments and still loving me in spite of it.

All of my old DRHS friends giving me birthday greetings and from time to time facebook comments that open up a black hole of memories

Jaimee Lasala, who I was once inseparable with, saying that she still has my birthday programmed into her phone, even though it's been years since we've seen each other. (miss you jaim)

All of my UHS friends who get excited for Ninja movies and remind me how they saved me in high school

And the people I meet on a daily basis, from professors, to classmates, to strangers, that teach me something new.

For all of you, I praise God.
Thanks for a great birthday.
=D

-aarika

not so secret ambitions.

2010-01-15T17:44:00.000-08:00

i want a lot of things.

For instance:

i want to make music.

i want to make musicals.

i want to write about something that matters

i want to write the greatest love story there ever was.

i want to reach for the stars

and i want to change the world.

but what i really want?

is at the end of everything,

for God to see me

and hug me.

And i want to hug Him right back.

I love my family. And I miss hanging out with them.

2010-01-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

My Mission Statement

2010-01-10T07:31:00.000-08:00

Hmm. I don't know how many people read this...and maybe I'm just blowing off steam, but PTL that God's given me an outlet. *sigh*

So, again, I was looking through my old xanga from some words of wisdom from my former self and came across this:

"All of the regret and all of the sadness is human, but the joy and the power of the mission is Christ."

It was something I needed to remember. A time and a place I guess I was looking for because it was housing a similar feeling of what I've been going through lately. So what's my mission statement? My last post and a few of my posts prior to it have talked about how I just want God to use me. How I want to set this world on fire for Him and how I want to trust Him to be the guiding force of life. But what is my mission? Do I want God to use me for me? Or for Him?

It's a common struggle, to question your own intentions because when they don't glorify God they are sinful intentions and I so want to avoid that. I want to lift God up, not myself, not CFBC, not the youth. HIM.

So here's my mission statement.

My mission is to pursue the glorification of Christ in everything I do. To use my God-given abilities to further the kingdom of God and to ultimately serve Him through serving others.

Here I Am

2010-01-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

it never ceases to amaze me how God provides.
PTL for His unwavering love and understanding
of what we need and when we need it.

HERE I AM
by Downhere

Sometimes Your calling, comes in dreams
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.

But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.

These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

Here I am, all my life an offering to you, to you
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am

A Total God-send

2010-01-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

This past Tuesday, I relayed to a friend, over a bowl of pasta and the cuteness of her kids, how my junior year of high school was a horribly angry year for me. As a depressed sixteen year old in a new high school that was twice the size of her previous one, I found myself quite privy to that of the quiet and voluntary recluse because in all honesty I did not want to be where I was:

The unfamiliar territory of a predominantly white neighborhood with it's predominantly white school and cut off from everything that I was comfortable with. I was a junior who felt like a freshman and it, for lack of a better word, sucked.

So what did I do to combat the ever-present loneliness that I felt during that first semester? I did what any aspiring writer and asian nerd did. I went to the library. I went to the library and walked around and about the shelves looking for something to distract me during the dead hours of my day, which seemed to be in surplus seeing as I didn't have that many friends. It was there that I came across Sarah Dessen and her flair for writing young-adult fiction. All stories of girls who had some type of insecurity in tandem with a strained relationship from the rest of her family, most especially her mother, and suddenly I found solace.

Peace of mind in the spaces between the ink and it saved me in High School because somehow reading works of fiction based on characters who were thrust into unfamiliar situations, stumbling about in their insecurity, but somehow coming out with the realizations needed to triumph was enlightening. It was inspirational and not only that, the books were great conversation starters.

That's how I met my first real friend who's name was also Sarah. haha go figure.

And so, I became faithful throughout that year. returning to the library at first every week to check out a new book of Dessen's, before spreading myself out farther so as to give myself ample time with the characters.

Haven, Halley, Colie, Caitlin, Remy, Macy, Annabel, and then Ruby.

All girls who live separately within Sarah Dessen's universe, but all are interconnected. Their lives, their friends, their situations all overlapping as mentionings within each others' existance.

By the time I had finished Junior year, in much much MUCH better shape than I had started. I had gone through all of Dessen's books and had found, not only friends, but my passion for writing reignited. Sarah Dessen and her savviness had been the comfort I needed in my time of self-pity and she has most definitely become one of my favorite authors.

After high school though, I was saddened that I had run out of her works to read, seeing as I had spent many a night burning the midnight oil only to finish too early. That's the problem with being an avid reader...when you finish a "series" you tend to find an emptiness inside as the reality of all the time you had devoted is now finished. Time to move on. But thankfully, sometimes you the ball just keeps rolling.

Most recently I found Sarah Dessen's newest novel which just erupted onto the scene about four months ago. *sigh* it's been so long since I've had a new piece of work from her in my hands, but I gotta tell you, I missed it. And though the story is more or less similar. Girl with some type of fault that keeps her emotionally detached from the world around her and a mother that is just unforgiving and misunderstands everything making it seem as if the whole world is the same way, as well as a boy that comes about to shake the whole world up, it is comforting. Like remembering a a song or tv show you used to love.

And so, here I am, it's been seven hours since I bought this book, four hours since I sat down and cracked it open to begin reading.

I'm already on page 142 of the 383 pages.

*sigh* feels good to be back in my comfort zone. The reality of good fiction writing never ceases to amaze me. You know, people can say what they want. They can go off and praise the new-age hard-hitting edgy fiction that's been coming out lately, even praise the non-fiction but written like-fiction stuff that seems to be showing up just as often, but you can't deny that, like a good song that can cheer you up on a bad day, it's books like Sarah Dessen's that warm the soul just the same.

Forget the crazy and obscure existential stuff that supposed to be deep and make you think! Nothing is more true than girl who has been hurt by boys or family or even herself but soon encounters a guy who can change everything. A guy who has always been there, even if they never really saw him. He comes and seems to know exactly what she needs. Seems to help her, forces her to face the truth about herself, and gives her hope that there is good in this world. And happy endings actually happen a lot more often than we think. We're just not opening our eyes.

And that boy...that message, that story...it's all God...God-sent at least. haha.

love it. Huge thanks to Sarah Dessen, and thank God for sending her.

it's finally happened.

2010-01-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

at first it was like this...Then this...and now it has finally come to this...
Dear God,
"my soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to you word."
Psalms 119:28