Doubt.

doubt |dout|
noun or verb
a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction

As in: I doubt that he was really aware of the fact that what he said affected me.
As in: I doubt he had any malicious inclination to hurt me.
As in: I doubt he really grouped me in his example
But also as in: The DOUBT that he set in my heart, even though he probably never meant to.

"So what's your major? What do you want to do with your life?"

Even as I answer, I can see the interest in their eyes slowly turn to an expression that can only be described with the sound it makes: "oh."

I can see the thought race across their faces, the one that non-verbally cries out a, "Are you crazy?" but what comes out verbally is only, "Oh really?" And I know where they are coming from, I must be crazy right? To want the career I want and to dream the dreams I have been dreaming for years, but is it really that impossible of an idea to everyone else? it's not to me.

Sometimes it makes me feel unsupported. Makes me feel as though they don't think that I could be good enough and though I know that's not their thoughts exactly it's along the same lines. They talk about how it is so "cutthroat" that more often then not people like me get heartbroken and that there is no real money in it. That I'm destined to be a starving tortured artist until I die and then maybe my work is recognized then, but who says I'm going to be like all those other people who are supposedly "like me". Last time I checked, I am my own person. And I've never been like anyone else but me. *sigh* Thank God for that.

Another thing people say often when asking what my major is is, "Well you're young, most kids your age change majors at least five times. I know I did."

Okay. To be honest. No matter what you did in your life and no matter what most kids my age do, I don't want to change majors. There has been nothing in my life I have ever wanted to do more than this and you think after nearly fifteen years at working at this I'm just going to settle? Settle for a fall back? Then perhaps you don't really know me at all. God gave me a gift and a passion. A life that has been full and dedicated to this craft that I work at everyday, that I think about everyday, that I live my life with everyday and I think it would be completely disrespectful not to fight for it. It would be a slap in the face to Him if I settled for something less.

*sigh*

But I'll be honest. There are times when it just seems to be said one too many times and I wonder. "If it doesn't work out...what will I do then?"

And it's a scary thought. To have been so focused on something, the idea of failing and having to choose something else frightens me because there has been nothing else I've worked on and I don't know what I will do. The idea of doing something else is the impossible idea to me. But I guess that just means that I can't fail, if not for the sheer purpose of doing something that makes me happy then for the purpose of the fact that I have nothing else so might as well just fight.

I have had my doubts in this life, but I what I refuse to have any doubt in is that this is what I want to do and that this is what God is calling me to do and at the pit of it all you can doubt me all you want. Just don't doubt Him. hah. talk about an impossible idea.

-later.