It was so dark.
I had been left in the darkness for so long, but a hand had taken hold of mine and was leading me through it. There had been times when I had been grabbed by things unknown, things unseen and frightened by the horrors that seemed to want to take me, but this hand made me feel safe so I clung to it.
I clung to that hand, because I knew that there was a man they all talked about, a man who would save me, and I had this overwhelming feeling that this was Him. How could it not be? I could have put my life on the fact that this person guiding me was that man named Jesus and so I trusted that soon enough I would see the light.
I don't know how long it was but all of a sudden I felt a wall on my side. A wall! That must mean there is a door somewhere so I giddily ran my other hand along it, silently thanking God for taking me closer and closer to salvation. Suddenly I ran across a bump in the wall and I stopped moving, feeling it cautiously with my hand to try and understand what it was.
A switch?
Yeah, i think it's a switch.
But what for?
Why would there be a switch? Unless...
A LIGHT SWITCH!
It HAD to be a light switch!
With an overwhelming amount of excitement I took a deep breath, praying that it would work and flipped it, suddenly hit with a blinding flash of white.
And the whole world came into view.
It took a while to adjust but...it was beautiful.
I felt tears fill my eyes, slightly from the fact that I was partially blinded and could not make out anything I was seeing, but mostly because I was so in awe. After what seemed like an eternity in the darkness, I could see. I could see everything.
I then realized that my hand was still gripping Jesus' hand and I had to thank Him, after all, it was because of Him that I had found my way to the wall and subsequently to the light switch. In a flurry of happiness I turned the words, "Thank you," nearly off my tongue when I froze and I felt things suddenly dim and my heart rate slow to almost a dead stop.
This hand that I had been clinging to; this person that I had been so convinced was Jesus....wasn't.
This was not a nail pierced hand, it was something else.
Someone else.
Someone who, even now , is physically fleeting and unmemorable, but did have one thing that sticks in my memory, which was the shirt he was wearing. White with big block letters that read, "I Mean The World To You." And I felt sick to my stomach.
I had been so fooled. I had been so wrong!
How could I have thought that this was Jesus guiding me? How could I have believed so thoroughly that it was Him? Why had I not discerned that it might not be? How?
And then I looked at the words on his shirt again, the daunting and horribly blunt words, "I Mean The World To You," and realized why it had been so easy. Why I had been fooled.
It was because I had foolishly believed that I could tell. That I could just know without asking and that there really was no point to asking, because I knew. Or at least, I thought I did. I trusted...in an assumption. The assumption that I knew God's plan in anyway, and why?
I'll tell you why.
Because that assumption and everything that I came to believe and trust in through it. Meant the world to me.
Maybe it even meant more.
So, as I realized this, I looked at the hand that I had been clinging so vehemently to and studied it, squinting as my eyes still tried to adjust to the lack of darkness. I was remembering the warmth and the comfort it brought me. Remembering that it hadn't ever done anything wrong and it could have led me to the wall and to the switch...but no.
I had to stop being foolish. I had to stop assuming and instead, go and find God for myself so that I could cling to Him and find all my answers in Him. I had to do it and do it fast...or else someone might just switch the light off, and I couldn't go back to the dark.
I just couldn't.
So, hesitantly and painfully I tried to pull my hand away. Finding it difficult as this person clung to my hand to. "Please just let go!" I said, tugging my hand away but failing miserably as he seemed to adamantly refuse. "LET GO! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET GO?" But he held on, looking at me blankly. Almost as if there really was no strain on him.
Finally his eyes met mine and asked in a strange and calm sort of way, "Do you want me to let go?"
I looked at him as if he was crazy and nodded, "Of course! Yes! I want you to let go!"
"Okay," He said calmly again, "Well I will, when you do. I'll let go of you, when you let go of me."
And he left it at that. Watching me; gauging my reaction as I ran through his words in my head.
'I'll let go of you, when you let go of me.'
'I will, when you do.'
And then I loosened my grip, finding that as I did this so did he and our hands slipped apart, freeing me from the confines of his hold.
Had I really not been doing that before? Was it really that simple?
But I didn't want to wait around and ask, so I backed away from him slowly, wondering if he would follow me as I leaned up against the wall where the switch was and began to shimmy away. He only watched me as I went, made no move until I was meters away, a good distance to run and get away if he chose to try and capture me again. But then he did the strangest thing. He walked over to the light switch, smiled at me and waved before reaching over and flipping it.
I jumped, thinking that the lights would go off, but no. They didn't. And instead he disappeared with a pop, as if, when he flipped the switch, he went off instead of the lights.
My head was spinning from the sheer audacity of the whole situation and I closed my eyes to try and steady my thoughts, it all was just so much to take in. But with a sigh I turned away from where he had been and took a look at the expanse in front of me. Smiling slightly as it all was clear, my eyes adjusted. In the distance I could make out something, a large sign that read, "Got questions? I've Got answers." And laughed shaking my head as I realized that there was no clearer sign than that. That was where I had to go, and though it was long way from where I was, at least there was nothing to weigh me down.
Before heading out I took a glance behind me, wondering if that guy with the shirt was back and waiting to follow me. But he wasn't; he was gone and I was left alone again, in the light this time, with the whole beautiful world in view.
And with a sigh I looked ahead, taking the first few steps toward answers.
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