oh the musings of the new year.

L: hey! so what are you doing?
A: oh, nothing much, just winding down with 2009. I've got to say, we've had a good year, but sadly by the end of the night I've got to let it know that I just don't see a future together.
L: oh man. I bet it's not going to expect that. =P
A: yeah. But i mean, it's gotta have some inclination right? especially after Christmas. I mean, I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't let go of the past. I've got to move forward.
L: yeah you're right. And relationships like that are never healthy.
A: my thinking exactly. but no worries. This new 2010 looks promising. who knows, maybe it'll be my year. maybe it'll be the year.=D
L: haha. maybe. you'll never know.

So, as the year comes to an unavoidable close, what is also unavoidable is the self-reflection that ensues with it. Questions such as, "where was I this time last year?" and "what's different now?" spring to mind almost immediately, but the answers are not quite as immediate and the thought process would honestly take an entire year to compute properly...but I can say this.

this time last year, I was no where near the place that I am now. In the physical sense, the spiritual sense, as well as the emotional and mental sense. I had no sense. NONSENSE. That's really what it was. I was nonsensical in all meanings of the word. I had no clear direction, no clear drive, and no clear idea of what I wanted other than what I had already convinced myself long before in another self-defining epiphany. So I just decided to go with the flow. Things were changing fast so I just resolved to change with them and see where 2009 took me.

Apparently it took me here. To this place of clarity regarding who I am as a Christian, where I stand and where I want to stand. So here's what I came up with:

Who am I?
I am a sinner who has been saved.
A blind person who can now see.
A wretch who is now loved.
And a servant who has been called.

Where do I stand?
At the foot of the cross
with my face to the ground
continually praying
and continually clinging
As I face the uncertainties of humanity
And try my best to further the Kingdom of heaven

Where do I want to stand?
That's easy.
At the foot of God's throne.
And I want Him to see me
And recognize me.
I want Him to say, "Well done,
Good and faithful servant."
And I want Him to reach out
Pull me into His arms
And never let go.

This time last year, all I ever wanted was my dreams to come true. To say what I wanted to say about this world and about the God who made it and have those words published. To live comfortably and settled in a dream that I have had since I was 4 years old. Also, this time last year, my family was separated. Slightly strained with the reality that my parents and I were not members of the same church, that I had an aunt who was constantly in pain, and that the rest of my family was shaking on top of it's foundation.

But, this year. My parents are ACTIVE members of CFBC. My dad is even a Deacon. (haha) My Aunt has been restored in heaven and is no longer in pain and my family has become stronger, more solid, and firmer in the faith. So if all of that changed, it's no wonder that my dreams would change as well.

What I want now is to serve. To do more for this world than just say what I want about God. I want God to use me. I want to set this world on fire for Him and to change the lives of as many people as I can through the message of His love and of His Son.

Tonight we sang this very beautiful Hymn called "Make Me A Blessing" and here is how it goes:

Out on the highways and byways of life,
Many are the weary and sad;
Carry the sunshine where darkness is rife,
Making the sorrowing glad.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

Tell the sweet story of Christ and His love,
Tell of His pow'r to forgive;
Others will trust Him if only you prove
True every moment you live.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

Give as 'twas given to you in your need,
Love as the Master loved you;
Be to the helpless a helper indeed,
Unto your mission be true.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

I don't think I've ever heard anything more inspiring and more fitting to start the new year off with. PTL for God's amazing timing and for His ever present instruction to follow the call. I end this post with my own biblical statement about my life now, so as to mark my mission and my goal for not just 2010 but as many years as God allows me:

I press on
to reach the end of the race
and receive the heavenly prize
for which God,
through Christ Jesus,
is calling us.
Philippians 3:14

-night
aarika