To Be Fearless

Some people fear of being great, but I've always been afraid that I would never get there. And so when the prospect of being workshop(ed) in my Intro to Fiction class came up I knew that I wouldn't be able to breathe for weeks.

For the first time ever, I was going to be critiqued on my fiction. My fiction, which I have worked on for nearly fifteen years to perfect and still have trouble believing is good. Decent maybe. Sometimes good. But great? -_-x not so much.

(i wrote this a few years back for another creative writing class)

what holds me back?
arrogance,
yet also
a lack of self-worth.
To be unsure of your ability,
at something you know you are good at.
is a curse in itself.

it's true.

I am good.
But I'm not great.

there is also self-induced pressure
of what I must live up to,
what i must mirror,
in order to, at the very least,
honor my predecessors.

With my writing,
How can I compare to that of Poe?
or Faulkner, or Salinger?
How can I live up to such names and be everything I want to be?
Everything I'm expected to be?
I am good at what I do. Yes,
But I am not great.

And in music...
Music is breath, music is life,
But to do my family justice,
Music is so much more than that.
It is passion and music is work.
I may be considered good
But again, I am not great.

So can you see now, just how terrified I was?

I mean, what if I submitted my piece and the truth was it wasn't great and there was no chance of it ever being great? Or worse! What if I've been lying to myself for years and I'm not even decent?! GAH! What if all my letters came back with one note back saying in horrible editor red:

"You suck. Change Majors."

-_-x oh goodness. I think I would just drop dead right there.

Because as I've said before and I will continue to say forever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I have to believe that God gave me this passion and this gift to do something with it.

But. I should know better than to doubt God. I mean...didn't I just learn that from the book Kristine, Lidia, and I are going through? Fear corrodes confidence in God and that we have to remember God's resume when we start doubting if He's there.

I should know better and God smacked me in the face with it today, during my workshop.

God used my teacher, this published Author, someone who is pretty much living the dream right now, (or at least a part of it) to open his letter to me with this:

"The story has enormous potential, and is already quite impressive. You have real talent."

and ended his letter with this:

"This could be a fantastic story, Aarika. You definitely need to keep writing."

Grade? "A-"

Holy crap. I had to actually pinch myself when I read this. Like seriously? I could cry.

I have talent? *haha* I know I've been told that before but...like...I've always been told by friends and family. They are supposed to say stuff like that aren't they? That's what they do! But...this teacher, who I've only known for a few weeks and who probably won't remember me much when I move on tells me that I "need to keep writing". How can that not be a sign?

How can that NOT be the grace of God?

*sigh* Lord I praise you for your faithfullness to me. Even in the midst of my doubt and my fear which corrodes my confidence in your greatness, you continue to be great. And you continue to embrace me with the reality that in You, I can be great too.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13