May 17, 2012 - 9:03pm

 

"dito, ulan ang ay mainit-init"

Here, the rain is warm.

This is where God has brought me,

To an island in the sea.

Where the ocean meets the mountains,

by a road unpaved to me.

There is stillness in the water,

A gentle bowing from the palms,

And a breeze the gives the morning air

Both serenity and qualms.

And I find my footing unsteady--

As I walk through rocky roads

Of paths uncertain, of days to come

Of victories and folds

But even though I stumble,

With my words, not just my feet

I find that I am stable

On the path where God and I meet.

Because He says that He has brought me

To an island in the sea,

Where the ocean meets the mountains

With one road, unpaved, for me.

To say that I am frightened would be an understatement. I am terrified of what's to come. I have no idea what I've gotten myself into and, yesterday, I had my first "panic attack". I still haven't met my new boss, I feel unsteady in my words and in my actions. There are so many things that I am uncomfortable with and yet, today, God has eased my mind. I threw myself into my books. The books that I fought to bring with me and found comfort in the stories that He pointed me to. In the poems that spoke of darkness and light, in the stories that recounted days of fear and anxiety and through it all God has reminded me of how temporary our fears are in this world and how eternal His love is for us.

I have always had control issues. That's not news to anyone. And yet, here I am, in a third-world country throwing myself into more uncertainty than I ever I thought I was capable of, because my God spoke to me and said, "This is where I need you to go."

I am not in control. I am completely out of my element, out of my comfort zone, and sometimes I feel like I'm out of my mind. But, God is in control. Always. So, how can my fear be bigger than that?

Please pray for me. There are so many things that I am afraid of. So many things that I fear will taint this experience or hurt me through loneliness and anxiety. But I need reminders all the time of how good God is. And I need to remember that conviction that I had before I left home. The conviction that God is sovereign and holy and beautiful. I haven't doubted it yet or questioned it, but I am only human and I know that there are days when it will set in. I can't let the devil win that way.

So far, everything is okay. It's not great, it's not magical, but it's not horrible either. I'm just trying to get bearings, trying to find my balance. And I know who to find it with, I just need the patience to wait.

I'll try to update more soon.

-Aarika