Okay, so here's my story:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.

So, I'm going to be honest here.

I was born into a Christian home, into a Christian family and into a Christian life. And because of that, I assumed that I was born Christian.

For years I listened to my parents tell me over and over again how Jesus loved me and how He died for my sins and that if I just ask Jesus to come into my heart then everything would be okay.

I went to church every Sunday, attended Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, I even went to a Christian school and thought that I was set for life, because there was no way I couldn't be Christian. I was doing everything right.

But as I got older I started becoming labeled the "Christian" girl and because it was said negatively to me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people having expectations for me and I, especially, didn't like falling into them. So I started acting out.

By sixth grade I was, probably, the biggest potty-mouth ever. I cussed at everyone. I thought it made me cool. And the best thing about it was that I knew Jesus had forgiven me already so there was no harm in it. As long as I asked for forgiveness every night, I would be okay. Jesus knows I'm a sinner, so He knows I'm always gonna sin, and I knew that He was always going to forgive me because He knew my heart. I didn't really mean anything I said, I just...didn't want to be made fun of. He could understand that. Or, that's what I thought.

And that's where it all started. Me, twisting the doctrines I had learned to justify my sins.

By Junior High, I wasn't getting any better. I had fallen into this cliche idea of wanting to grow up really fast. I wanted it all. I wanted cool friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. And in process of that I let myself down.

I started acting up in school, my grades slipped, boys got the wrong idea about me and even worse my friends did too. I was the butt of the jokes. I knew people would say things about me, things that I didn't want them to say, but I brushed it off. I laughed it off as if I didn't care because I thought that if I pretended long enough, it would be true

But it never was. It always hurt. And because I didn't know what else to do, I tried harder to win the approval of my peers.

I let that become the center of my life. I pushed God aside because I reasoned that He was always gonna be there. He's God and He's everywhere. But my friends? I needed them. I couldn't survive high school without them. So I compromised everything for them.

At the time, I wouldn't have admitted it. I would have simply said, "My friends are important to me because I love them and I would do anything for them."

I was really really deluded.

When I would go home and think about my life, I knew something was missing. I would sit with my family around the dinner table and pray for God to bless the food or talk to my cousins on the phone, listening to them go on and on about their church activities and their youth groups and their small groups and I would feel so jealous because everyone else seemed to be so close to God but I couldn't feel Him anymore. Even worse, I felt like I was so far gone that there was no way God would still want to love me. I couldn't even get my friends to really care about me, not the way I wanted them to. So why would He?

I used to tell myself that God wouldn't want to be around a person like me. God wouldn't want to be there for the person that I'd become. Someone who was shallow and self-conscious and weak. I couldn't be strong for Him, so why would He waste time?

It wasn't until the summer before I reached high school that things started to change. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't instantaneous, it didn't hit me like a freight truck, and I didn't become a true believer over night. It was a slow process that started with these facts

I wasn't happy and I was scared.

That summer I had strangely been involved with my youth group. I think there was a slight buzz about being in high school and getting to actually be a part of it all, so it was exciting. But strange none the less. The beach trip and Revolution Camp had showed me what it would be like to have Christian friends and be around people who would keep you accountable. Being in that environment opened my eyes to what I had become.

I was a miserable and lost teenager who knew all the right answers, but was too afraid to use them. I knew who to ask for help and I knew they would help me, but I couldn't break my pride enough to get it done. I couldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, after years of pushing God away, was facing Him. Why? Because I was afraid of what I would see in myself through His eyes. I was afraid of facing the disappointment and the hurt. I was afraid to go home to my Father because I was convinced that He wouldn't want me back.

And it took a really long time until I trusted myself again with God and until I was strong enough to make that 180. I turned slowly degree by degree and...that's the way it had to be. I had a lot of baggage to drop along the way, had a lot of bad habits to kick as well as unhealthy relationships to cut off.

But it had to be done, and moreover, I slowly began to see God in my life. It was as if I had dropped my glasses and everything was blurry. I could only see shapes and silhouettes, but I could hear His voice, and I followed it, seeing Him become clearer and clearer as I approached.

I think it was truly my second church camp, the summer before Senior year, that God put my glasses back on.

It was that night before I left that I asked God to help me. To use the opportunity being given, as He had used the last one, to finally change me.

And He did.

I don't know if it was the music or the message or the fellowship, but I got slapped in the face with reality. The reality that God is real. And I felt so alive. More alive than I had ever felt before and,

I didn't want to go back to the person I was.
I wanted to cling to the God that He is.

And I strive every day to do just that. That's not say that I don't struggle. I fail miserably some times...but it's different now. All of those times that I failed and felt too guilty to come God; all those times that I just knew I was too unworthy to face Him. I now know that I was focusing on all the wrong things.

I failed? I was too unworthy?

newsflash: it's not about me
It's about Who He is and always will be.

In retrospect what I have learned?

I have learned that God is a loving God that finds me beautiful when I can't.
I have learned that I cannot make judgements for God on myself or anyone else.
I have learned that the first step, in any problem, is to always to give Him control
and I have learned that building a relationship with Him takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen in an instant. Like any other relationship you work at it day by day, minute by minute. And it's hard. It's really really hard. especially because sometimes it may seem too hard.

But, the great thing, is that:

He is totally and committed to you. So don't afraid to be totally committed to Him.

So...once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.
Today: she finally is.

²² Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22