I'm about three weeks into school, one month into two new ministries, three months into my new job, and five months into returning to my old, but new life.
I think it's safe to say that things are progressing.
But it's the way they are progressing that seems to leave me...tilted in a way. Off kilter? unbalanced? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, I just know that...there were so many things that I was so grounded in a year ago that have just proven to be unstable now. Relationships with certain people, personal beliefs, personal ambitions. So much has changed and, while I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to adjust.
I think the hardest thing to get used to is how disconnected I feel. It's like I've been stretched so far away from who I used to be that the prospect of severing all ties does not strike me as painful as it would have before. In fact it sometimes feels like the next logical step.
Which is almost illogical because I know that I am still forging bonds. I've put myself in situations where I am, spiritually and physically tying myself to this church and to these people. And it's entirely my choice, but...the complete self-sacrificing compassion that was once a part of my ministry of behavior is gone. I feel like...like it would be easy to walk away and that I wouldn't yearn for it the way that I used to. In fact, I don't actually feel that same fight and passion I once had for the Youth ministry.
But I'm good at it. So I do it. I'm good at ministry work. So I just do it because I'm not doing anything else. Is that a bad thing? It isn't right?
If I had all the money in the world I think I would just go. I would go into the world and see what I could do in it. I would go back to the Philippines. I would go to Japan to Korea to China. I would visit every single missionary and/or Pastor that I have ever encountered and just say, "God allowed me to get here. So what can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"
But I don't have all the money in the world. So instead I go to church every Friday and Sunday I say the same thing to my own Pastors, my own youth group, my students, my friends. "What can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"
And yet there is a part of my heart that so quickly allows the, "Oh, I don't need any help," comments to render me spent, which is when I reply, "Cool, alright, just let me know."
Then it just reminds me too much of work.
You see, I work in a Revolving Sushi Bar. So for my customers the food passes right by their table. My only job is to refill drinks, order them things that don't come on the belt, and count their plates when they are done. Granted, I do a few other things such as entertain, banter, and go above and beyond for my customers, but for the most part I sit back and wait to see if they need anything. I clean, I prepare for rushes that may never come, I check off things from our closing checklist so that I can go home early.
It's easy to to detach myself from my customers and, quite frankly, that's the way most of them like it. They come to eat with their families and friends, not chat up the waitress.
But...I don't want my ministry to be like that. I don't want to just sit back and prepare for things that may never happen. I don't want to just be around in case someone wants something. I just want to be working and through that work needs are filled. I want to be so immersed in the fire that there is no time for idleness.
I want that fire back. The fire that comes from really being called to something. I used to have it...but now I believe that God is asking me to be patient and it is one of the hardest things to do, because I just want to go. But He hasn't told me where yet, He has simply said, "Wait. Do the things that I am asking you to do now...and wait."
Things are still changing. Maybe He's just allowing for things to settle before tossing me back into the waves. Maybe He doesn't want me to be afraid of the storm that is raging within my own heart and instead preparing me for the moment when I'll be ready, when I'll be able to walk across that water toward Christ and not look away.
Maybe this is part of what being used here is though. God is using me even in my idleness.
Yeah...that I truly do believe. I just wish I wasn't so likely to forget.
Whew. In need of serious prayers.
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