I only want to be a waitress at work, not in ministry...

I'm about three weeks into school, one month into two new ministries, three months into my new job, and five months into returning to my old, but new life.

I think it's safe to say that things are progressing.

But it's the way they are progressing that seems to leave me...tilted in a way. Off kilter? unbalanced? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, I just know that...there were so many things that I was so grounded in a year ago that have just proven to be unstable now. Relationships with certain people, personal beliefs, personal ambitions. So much has changed and, while I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to adjust.

I think the hardest thing to get used to is how disconnected I feel. It's like I've been stretched so far away from who I used to be that the prospect of severing all ties does not strike me as painful as it would have before. In fact it sometimes feels like the next logical step.

Which is almost illogical because I know that I am still forging bonds. I've put myself in situations where I am, spiritually and physically tying myself to this church and to these people. And it's entirely my choice, but...the complete self-sacrificing compassion that was once a part of my ministry of behavior is gone. I feel like...like it would be easy to walk away and that I wouldn't yearn for it the way that I used to. In fact, I don't actually feel that same fight and passion I once had for the Youth ministry.

But I'm good at it. So I do it. I'm good at ministry work. So I just do it because I'm not doing anything else. Is that a bad thing? It isn't right?

If I had all the money in the world I think I would just go. I would go into the world and see what I could do in it. I would go back to the Philippines. I would go to Japan to Korea to China. I would visit every single missionary and/or Pastor that I have ever encountered and just say, "God allowed me to get here. So what can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

But I don't have all the money in the world. So instead I go to church every Friday and Sunday I say the same thing to my own Pastors, my own youth group, my students, my friends. "What can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

And yet there is a part of my heart that so quickly allows the, "Oh, I don't need any help," comments to render me spent, which is when I reply, "Cool, alright, just let me know."

Then it just reminds me too much of work.

You see, I work in a Revolving Sushi Bar. So for my customers the food passes right by their table. My only job is to refill drinks, order them things that don't come on the belt, and count their plates when they are done. Granted, I do a few other things such as entertain, banter, and go above and beyond for my customers, but for the most part I sit back and wait to see if they need anything. I clean, I prepare for rushes that may never come, I check off things from our closing checklist so that I can go home early.

It's easy to to detach myself from my customers and, quite frankly, that's the way most of them like it. They come to eat with their families and friends, not chat up the waitress.

But...I don't want my ministry to be like that. I don't want to just sit back and prepare for things that may never happen. I don't want to just be around in case someone wants something. I just want to be working and through that work needs are filled. I want to be so immersed in the fire that there is no time for idleness.

I want that fire back. The fire that comes from really being called to something. I used to have it...but now I believe that God is asking me to be patient and it is one of the hardest things to do, because I just want to go. But He hasn't told me where yet, He has simply said, "Wait. Do the things that I am asking you to do now...and wait."

Things are still changing. Maybe He's just allowing for things to settle before tossing me back into the waves. Maybe He doesn't want me to be afraid of the storm that is raging within my own heart and instead preparing me for the moment when I'll be ready, when I'll be able to walk across that water toward Christ and not look away.

Maybe this is part of what being used here is though. God is using me even in my idleness.

Yeah...that I truly do believe. I just wish I wasn't so likely to forget.

Whew. In need of serious prayers.

I still have my moments...

of homesickness.

Which makes absolutely no sense, since I am "technically" home. But I guess it does make sense. Home has come to encompass different places than just Upland, CA.

And hasn't that always been the case?

I felt at home at Nanay's old house...
I feel at home at Daddy Nonoy's

I feel at home in Diamond Bar,
in Walnut,
West Covina,
in Rowland Heights.
Pomona...

Home has been a compilation of my life thus far for a very long time. So why should I be surprised that I miss the Philippines and sometimes get that butterfly feeling when I hear of things or from people in Samar?

They say home is where the heart is and my heart has left pieces of itself all over, with people from all over.

I just wish there was an easy way to deal with this. Sometimes it is so overwhelming with the amount of joy it brings. Other times it is so overwhelming with the amount of sorrow it piles on.

It's never easy. And yet, I wouldn't trade it for anything because...this is what God wanted for me. It has to be or else He wouldn't have made it this way.

It's late right now, but I'm just trying to ease my mind. My heart is getting stretch marks, but...I think with those ones I'll be okay. xP

God is seriously working.

Jeremiah 33:3

"Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known."

Over the past few months, this verse has come to the forefront of my thoughts. I cannot deny that God has used this past year to reveal many things to me that I did not know. "Great and hidden things" that I blinded myself to with my stubbornness and my desire for control.

But as I've said before and as I continue to say to people, prayer is so powerful and when you seek God in prayer you better be ready to receive answers that you never expected.

I am still trying to figure everything out. Trying to discern my will from God's will and make sure that I am taking the necessary precautions and steps to not just be "smart" but be wise. I think so often we strive to do one, but not the other and in the process we sacrifice things that we shouldn't, like our trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. Or we trick ourselves into thinking that our will is God's will.

But really when we do that it eventually reveals our fears and insecurities and really...what do we have to fear and be insecure about when God is on our side?

C.S. Lewis says, 

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

I find that incredibly poignant. Being a person who doesn't have a high tolerance for pain, I can identify with that statement and even say that I live by it. My humanity, more often than I would like, gets in the way of my complete trust in God. Not because God has ever done anything to lose my trust, but because I sometimes forget who it is I'm trusting in.

And really, sometimes the lessons God teaches to me come in painful realities. Realities that are heartbreaking and soul-aching, but life changing.

Trials and teachings like this are considered a Refiner's fire. Scalding, painful, but overall for our benefit.

I think back on all the lessons I was taught through everything I experienced and even everything I am experiencing now. And I see how God has worked and is working. I remember what I was praying for before and how God gave me answers I never thought I would ever consider.

I mean...this is where I'm at:

Me, the homebody Aarika, who was ready and willing to live, marry, and die in California is now considering other options. Is now, SERIOUSLY, considering life outside of the bubble.

It's all so exciting and scary and new. And I'm still pushing myself to really surrender all that I am to God. But a little part of me always questions how much more will I be asked to sacrifice?

And then I have to hit myself in the faith and remember, Christ sacrificed it all for the sake of the Father's plan to save me. I keep reminding myself to take up my cross and follow does not mean cutting my cross into sections and only taking the pieces of it that are easy to carry. I need to take all of it.

And remember that it could have been worse. It could have been impossible to carry, but Christ lessened that load.