I only want to be a waitress at work, not in ministry...

I'm about three weeks into school, one month into two new ministries, three months into my new job, and five months into returning to my old, but new life.

I think it's safe to say that things are progressing.

But it's the way they are progressing that seems to leave me...tilted in a way. Off kilter? unbalanced? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, I just know that...there were so many things that I was so grounded in a year ago that have just proven to be unstable now. Relationships with certain people, personal beliefs, personal ambitions. So much has changed and, while I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to adjust.

I think the hardest thing to get used to is how disconnected I feel. It's like I've been stretched so far away from who I used to be that the prospect of severing all ties does not strike me as painful as it would have before. In fact it sometimes feels like the next logical step.

Which is almost illogical because I know that I am still forging bonds. I've put myself in situations where I am, spiritually and physically tying myself to this church and to these people. And it's entirely my choice, but...the complete self-sacrificing compassion that was once a part of my ministry of behavior is gone. I feel like...like it would be easy to walk away and that I wouldn't yearn for it the way that I used to. In fact, I don't actually feel that same fight and passion I once had for the Youth ministry.

But I'm good at it. So I do it. I'm good at ministry work. So I just do it because I'm not doing anything else. Is that a bad thing? It isn't right?

If I had all the money in the world I think I would just go. I would go into the world and see what I could do in it. I would go back to the Philippines. I would go to Japan to Korea to China. I would visit every single missionary and/or Pastor that I have ever encountered and just say, "God allowed me to get here. So what can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

But I don't have all the money in the world. So instead I go to church every Friday and Sunday I say the same thing to my own Pastors, my own youth group, my students, my friends. "What can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

And yet there is a part of my heart that so quickly allows the, "Oh, I don't need any help," comments to render me spent, which is when I reply, "Cool, alright, just let me know."

Then it just reminds me too much of work.

You see, I work in a Revolving Sushi Bar. So for my customers the food passes right by their table. My only job is to refill drinks, order them things that don't come on the belt, and count their plates when they are done. Granted, I do a few other things such as entertain, banter, and go above and beyond for my customers, but for the most part I sit back and wait to see if they need anything. I clean, I prepare for rushes that may never come, I check off things from our closing checklist so that I can go home early.

It's easy to to detach myself from my customers and, quite frankly, that's the way most of them like it. They come to eat with their families and friends, not chat up the waitress.

But...I don't want my ministry to be like that. I don't want to just sit back and prepare for things that may never happen. I don't want to just be around in case someone wants something. I just want to be working and through that work needs are filled. I want to be so immersed in the fire that there is no time for idleness.

I want that fire back. The fire that comes from really being called to something. I used to have it...but now I believe that God is asking me to be patient and it is one of the hardest things to do, because I just want to go. But He hasn't told me where yet, He has simply said, "Wait. Do the things that I am asking you to do now...and wait."

Things are still changing. Maybe He's just allowing for things to settle before tossing me back into the waves. Maybe He doesn't want me to be afraid of the storm that is raging within my own heart and instead preparing me for the moment when I'll be ready, when I'll be able to walk across that water toward Christ and not look away.

Maybe this is part of what being used here is though. God is using me even in my idleness.

Yeah...that I truly do believe. I just wish I wasn't so likely to forget.

Whew. In need of serious prayers.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

There are moments when I push through every emotion and doubt until I railroad them to the ground. And then..

then there are moments when I can barely bring myself to move passed them.

Under all the excitement and all the anticipation is this fear that is overwhelming and it eats away at me inside like a hunger that can't be satisfied.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid and the general response is always, "Don't be."

If only it were a switch that I could just switch off, but it's not. Confidence and faith are two of the hardest things to keep a hold on because as humans we are susceptible to the lies and deception of Satan. Just like Eve we are tempted away from trusting in God's plan and as much as I know what my response to such temptations should be I can't sustain them.

I just can't.

This should be a time of reflection and pride over the years and countless hours I spent working hard and doing everything I could to finish what I started.

The sweat and the tears and the mind power it took to push through every obstacle and keep my foot solidly on the ground.

But as I stand here, nearly eleven hours away from my final hours as an undergraduate, all that comes to mind is everything I failed at.

All the opportunities I missed. All the things I didn't learn. All the things I am still unqualified for because of my age, my status, my lack of wisdom.

As "impressive" as everything I have done may seem
what is weighing down on me is the doubts that still come:
"Are you sure you can do it?" "I don't think what you're saying is right." "Maybe I'll ask someone else."

I just...

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty that should make me turn to Christ and rest in Him.
That's the right answer! That's what should be happening. But it's not and I don't know why.

"Just stop."

"Just pray."

"Don't be afraid."

"How can you be scared?"

"Just trust."

It all sounds so easy and yet it's so not.

I Praise God for:

a number of things, starting with my very fun-filled trip to Maui, Hawaii.

There was lots of stuff to do and fun to be had,
but my favorite moments were the ones that came early in the morning
when I was able to sneak down to the shore
sit with my ipod and relish in the calm, sea breeze beauty of God's creation.


But I did miss home.

It was nice to get away, and to say that I don't miss it and still wish, at times, that I was still away...
it's nice to get back to work and know that God planned for the timing of that trip perfectly
and he also planned the perfect timing for the trip to end.

who am I to complain?
But, thank God for those beautiful peaceful mornings where it was just me and Him, because I really needed the time.

Hello Maui!

just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our hotel room.
Lord, please let this trip be an avenue of inspiration, because You are everywhere.

the truth is...

The last few weeks have been really hard.
Satan has just been pounding down on my heart and my confidence to the point where I can't seem to discern what's spiritual warfare from Satan and spiritual discipline from God.

And I've been getting really angry lately in my heart.
I get angry at people for being rude and having bad attitudes.
I get angry at people for thinking that it's okay to kick me when I'm down.

I get angry at people who tell me to "relax"
because they always seem to say it when they think I'm tense
but, in reality, it makes me tense that they assume I'm on a short fuse.

I get angry because people think they know me so well
but they don't know me well enough to understand that sometimes I just need to get out all the thoughts that are swimming in my head.

And I get angry that all that anger and emotion disappears as time drags on and I get too tired to say anything about it until it happens again.

People are always trying to give me advice
"Relax" "Take a deep breath" "stop stressing"
Truth? I wasn't actually stressing until you said all that stuff because it made me think that there was something to be stressed about.

And moreover?
It makes me even more tense when I can't get out two words without the good intentioned petting and "calm down, just calm down"
UGH! Sometimes I want to scream, "just shut up!"

-_-x
I'm sorry. that was rude.
It's just...

I think I know myself pretty well.
I think I know when I've hit the "overwhelmed" button on my personality clock.
But I always seem to hit it twice as fast when every body is talking at once and trying to calm me down.

I can't calm down if every one keeps talking, I just can't.

Because when everyone keeps talking I can't think.
I can barely breathe.

And all it makes me feel like at the end is angry, emotional, and tired.
Everything everyone keeps warning me not to be

*sigh*
I just need a break. I feel like I need to just be by myself and away from everything because God and I have to get back on the same page here.

I've lost sight of Him and what He's trying to tell me a few pages back and I gotta get up to speed.

I don't want to be angry anymore
I don't want to be sad
or tired or bitter.

I just want to be able to breathe again
And I need to figure this out before I actually explode.

-_-x
Please just pray for me
That's all I ask from you. For prayer.
Pray for peace. For clarity. For resolution.
For rest. Because at this point I'm running on empty and I need God to refuel me and no one else.

thanks.

Dear God,

You are so good, because I just vented to You on Monday, and already You've provided more peace than I could have ever asked for. Thank You so much for Your faithfulness.

-Aarika

Eye on the prize

Sarah Dessen is such an inspiration. Just like JK Rowling, she's one of the authors that reminded me and continues to remind me, the power of stories. I hope one day I can do what she does.

Words from Lauren F. Winner

Matthew 6:9-13
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as weforgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever
Amen"

There was much in the prayer that I didn't understand. I didn't know that will was a noun, I only knew it as a verb, so my grammatical reading of the second line of the Lord's Prayer -- "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" -- was a little off. I thought "will be done" the verb so "Thy", the possessive pronoun, must be the subject. And I prayed fervently that Thy would be done.

Sometimes in church I think about that still. I think maybe that is what we should be praying for, not just God's will be done, but that everything that is God's, everything that is His, everything that is Thy, will be done. Yours be done, I chant in my head. Yours. Yours. Yours. Everything that is Yours.

- girl meets GOD pg. 147-168

Distractions

So,

last night I made my way to the biffer's home so that we could trek our way together out to Irvine. The home turf of a sister in Christ as well as the MTV made famous hip hop "crew" Kaba Modern.

UC Irvine's local celebrity dance fratority...er. crew. =P

Anyway, it was all really for Richelle Jeans, so that she could get a sense of what an audition for a crew would look like and also so she could support some of the friends she made in the process of doing dance workshops with Kaba.

It was very interesting for me, a bonafide "not dancer" to get a look into this world that has taken my BFF by the heart and pulled her in. But overall, I came out with one important lesson.

You gotta be confident in yourself and your skill.

Granted there were some who were more "skilled" than others but the fact that so many of them went in, guns blazing, and performing their hearts out...well...it was inspiring.

Made me remember just how lackluster I've been in my own journey toward what has always been my ultimate goal: The Best-Seller's list.

Perhaps it's because the literary world is not as flashy as the dance world or as blatantly soul pouring...but the rules still apply.

Art is art. And if I got it in my heart, then I gotta lay it all on the floor and just go for it.

A few years ago, my response when people would say "it's hard to get published" or "it's so competitive in that field, are you sure you can be that cut throat?" was to smile and shrug saying that I wasn't worried about it.

I had this confidence that THIS is what God was calling me to do and no one could shake me. It would happen.

But that was a few years ago.

And now, over 100 units and three workshop classes later, with graduation within reach that confidence is not what it used to be.

I think somewhere along the line, after countless and countless of doubtful looks, attempts to play devil's advocate, and awkward tensions from the admission of my major, it started to get to me.

Even the reality of my professors saying, "Be prepared to have a different career and writing on the side, because the business is hard, especially now."

Was enough to shake me and make me question what exactly is the practical choice for me. *sigh* But even with all of that "practical" talk I can't shake the feeling that if I choose to change avenues now I'll sorely regret it later on. I'll regret not believing in myself enough to push through.

But that means now, I gotta stay focused. I gotta stop getting distracted and letting other things around me pull me off the road. I gotta stop moving so fast and just take a moment to figure out what NEEDS to be done NOW at THIS moment and leave all the extra stuff for my extra time.

Moreover, I need to remember that God is not amazing because He is a practical God, He is amazing because He is a miraculous God. And in the midst of all this confusion and struggle to focus, I have to focus on His voice only and keep pressing forward. Block out all else and just listen to Him.

Pray for that. Because I really really REALLY need it.

cause sometimes, tumblr just doesn't "blog" right.

I find myself weary.

Exhausted by the racing of my mind
to the point where I have begun to veer in different directions.

Have I taken on too much?
Perhaps loaded myself more than I should have?
Well, I should think not,
only because there is very little difference
in my load from them and my load now.

Maybe it's all simply catching up to me?
That, at this moment in time,
I have become too tired to carry on
and my speed has reduced.

Reduced enough to leave me at the mercy
Of my failings?

Strange that it happen now,
In the days where I need to be at my best.
It's the final--push--
the final countdown--
the final lap...

But perhaps there is a reason for that.
Perhaps it is time to become even more serious.
There is no going back from here
therefore I've got to decide how I want to finish.

Strong.
Fighting.
With everything I've got.

Or slow.
Steady.
And nonchalant.

Hm. Doesn't seem like a hard decision...
until you're faced with the crossroad
and the easier way seems to be a road that moves for you.

More about saving my own life...

The past few weeks have been full of me trying to fit in "catch up" time with everyone I can think of, since school hasn't started for me yet and I'm free as a bird until mid-September. But this past week I found everyone else busy and myself with no one to "catch up" with.

So what did I do? Rent movies from Redbox of course! And in God's all-knowing goodness He made sure there wouldn't be anyone to distract me from finding and watching this movie:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Story plot?

The film tells the story of Jake Taylor, a young man who has it all: a basketball scholarship, the ideal girlfriend, and the right friends. But faced with the demands of the in-crowd, Jake has written off his childhood best-friend, Roger. Isolated and mistreated, Roger finally takes his anger to the extreme when he shows up one day on campus with a gun.

Jake's last-ditch effort couldn't stop Roger. The events which follow start to change Jake's world forever. He begins to question everything. Most of all, he is unable to stop asking: "Could I have saved Roger?"

In his search for answers, Jake finds himself looking for the next Roger.

He reaches out to geeks, losers, and loners. However, crossing the strict high school caste lines threatens everything Jake values. It also pushes him to answer the most important question of all: What do I want my life to be about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This movie completely blew me away.

I mean, I've always loved Samuel Goldwyn Films, (the people responsible for Fireproof. Facing the Giants, etc. ) but "To Save A Life" is definitely a movie that surpassed my expectations. It addressed a lot of the problems young people face these days from drug and alcohol abuse to premarital sex to teen suicide and hazing even fear of the future. And what impressed me even more is that it addressed one of the biggest problems in the church regarding youth: kids who come to church out of habit and tradition rather than because they truly believe.

There is one portion of the movie that really sticks out in my mind and is the basis of this blog.

Jake Taylor, the main character, brings his girlfriend to Bible study for the first time and she quickly leaves feeling as though a lot of the girls (who go to school with her) were looking at her and passing judgement on her. She felt uncomfortable and like an outcast causing for her to want to leave.

When Jake returns to the Bible study after unsuccessfully trying to get her to stay he comes in time for the Youth Pastor to ask everyone for a moment of silence to reflect on Roger (Jake's old friend) and his suicide. He talks about how Roger had come to their Bible study the week before and wonders if maybe they had really opened up their arms to him he might still believe.

It's then during the "moment of silence" that Jake realizes that most of the kids in the room are not really paying attention. They continue to whisper under their breaths about school and their "regular" lives and it just throws him, causing him to lash out in anger
saying to all of them:

"Why come here if you don't let this change you?!"

And that spoke straight to me. It was a powerful thought and a powerful question made even more so by the fact that Jake (at this particular moment in the movie) was a non-believer. Someone who was coming looking to be changed or for a change.

I mean, we've all experienced those moments when we get fed up with people who just make the same mistakes over and over again and don't do anything to do better next time. But how often do we realize when we're the ones doing it? When we're the ones that keep making the same mistake or the ones that can't seem to change our ways? Maybe we're the ones that don't want to change our ways?

What about those people who can feel like there is something missing in their lives and so they come to church looking to be changed. How do we compare? Should we really be any different? Should we ever stop striving to be changed and transformed by the Gospel?

Gah. I don't know. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately and the bottom line of "To Save A Life" has just been echoing in my head.

"What do I want my life to be about?"

God.

That's what I want my life to be about. I want my life to be dedicated to Him and I don't want to be idle anymore. I don't want to stop changing and growing.

That's my prayer for this year. And I praise God so much for reminding me of that.

Maligayang Pagbabalik

"Welcome Back"

A poem of my trip so far.

I've landed in the motherland.
The land of my mother,
of my father,
of my family,
and of all that makes up me.

This is where I come from.
Where it is my life started.
Not, technically, in the womb
Or in the mind of my parents
But in the plan of God.

He made it so,
Here.
In this place.

This place where my grandfather was saved.
Where he met my grandmother.
Where they created this life together.
And built a family AND a church.

Here,
where my mother was born first,
and my father, five years later,
on a completely separate island.

Here,
that offered a life
an education
and then a realization
of a life elsewhere.

Which then brought them there.
To my home across the sea,
and into the life
that I just stepped away from.

So now,
Since I've landed in the motherland.
She has welcomed me back.

Alright. I will just come out and say it. It feels good to be back. It's an odd feeling being five years older and wiser than my last visit. And it's even stranger being here without my mom. But I'm not without family and I'm not without faith that God is going to use this trip to bless me in amazing ways. =D

first cool and fun fact/blessing? Being in the Philippines means that I get to use
"Google Pilipinas"



It's actually pretty cool. Helps me practice my Tagalog when I'm on the internet. XD
More to come! Keep an eye out and keep on praying!

see you when i see you.

Dear Friends,

I'm scared. I'm excited and giddy and nervous, but most of all scared.

To be faced with the situation I am in, it's no wonder I'm overwhelmed. But...at the same time I thank God for being in my life. Because without Him I wouldn't appreciate the opportunity and with Him I am able to be find joy in every moment of it.

God is so good and so wise and so...perfect.

He is everything I need and so now, in my fear, I look to Him for solace and for strength to press forward with courage. I may not be brave, but God is bigger than all my fears and anything I would be fearful of.

I am so blessed that I don't think I could ever press in words how thankful I am for what God has given me. But, He knows my heart and I find it amazing that that is enough for Him. =D

I'll update when I can and just know, this is a reminder that when things get you down or scare you or worry you, just sing:

"God is so good.
God is so good.
God is SO good.
He's so good to me.

God loves me so.
God loves me so.
God loves me so.
He's SO GOOD to me."

"I have set the Lord always before me.
Becayse he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:8

i miss the music....

Sondheim once said:

"Musicals are, by nature, theatrical, meaning poetic, meaning having to move the audience's imaginations and create a suspension of disbelief, by which I mean there's no fourth wall."

And I want that in my life, for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I think that I might be crazy. Having this dream. I think that it's just a dream and I'm setting myself up for failure. I should just quit before I'm ahead...but...then I remember God has a plan and He must have a really big one for me if He keeps pressing this into my heart.

God planned for me to fall in love.

And He planned for me to find this and hear him through it.

Jerry Orbach:

"Now listen Sawyer and listen good.

Even if you don't give a damn about me, think of all those kids you'll be throwing out of work if you don't do this. Think of the songs that will whither and die if you don't get up there and sing them. Think of the costumes that will never be seen, the scenery never seen, the orchestrations never heard. Think of our show and the thrill and pleasure it could give to MILLIONS.
Think of "musical comedy" the most glorious words in the English language! Sawyer!

Think of BROADWAY!"

wow. there's a lot of oxygen...

Okay. It's been a while, but, I've finally made some time.

It has officially been a week since school let out and the first few days were spent cleaning and ridding myself of all of the things I was holding onto throughout the year. Clothes, textbooks, test papers, study guides. All of it had culminated over the course of nine months, but now, I am happy to report, that everything is either in the garbage or in a Balikbayan box postmarked for the Philippines.

It took three full days to sift through everything, but, as my sister said, "[My] closet doesn't look like Narnia's in there anymore." ;P

It was strange finding and coming across different bits of the year and even finding different bits of years LONG past. It was therapeutic and cleansing and strangely satisfying.

Like looking back for the first time after a run and seeing just how far you'd made it. Or checking your watch after a really hectic flood of customers and realizing that your shift is almost over.

It was gratifying.

But now that my cleaning is done...I find myself in a strange place.

Suddenly, after months and months of a jam-packed busyness, I find myself with a LOT of spare time on my hands.

Now, with the quarter over I am no longer required to rush from work to school to church then back home to sleep it all off until having to do it again the next day.

[that was me]

In fact! I'm not really required to do anything....

And so a lot of my time has been spent staring at that ceiling or at the wall just in awe. This whole year, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. There were weeks when I just felt so tired and so misunderstood that I didn't think my body would be able to handle it.

But God sustained me and He continues to do so.

The only trouble is, trying to figure out what to do with myself. With all of this free time, what do I need to do? For myself? This whole year has been dedicated to school and to church and to work. I've been running around thinking and contemplating what can I do for everyone else. But, I was always hard pressed to put myself in to consideration. I guess I always reasoned that there would be enough time for me later.

But, later has come apparently.

With the cleaning done I'm freed up. Sure there is family and friends to visit, people to meet up with and the weekly hangouts that come about during the week. But, for instance, moments like right now, when I'm all alone in the house and NOT too tired to function, I'm jittery. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not and it's odd.

And yet, God is slowly helping me understand that this our time. His and mine to be together. To do things together. Things that I've been wanting to do.

My Father wants to hang out with me.

And that is so exciting.

This summer, no matter where I am. I just want to be able to enjoy things with Him and be reminded of the things that He has given to me to enjoy. I've realized lately that that's what He's been doing. [I have been such a sucker lately for subtle beauties in the world]

like a girl putting her trust in a trustworthy guy.

Like, the stories I grew up with.
The ones that remind me of what love is and that it was created by a Loving God.
[yes. even Harry Potter, which talks about the sacrifices for love]

Like the genius of paper flowers. [which I am mastering]

And the awesomeness of cupcake decorating [which i want to learn how to do]
That proves anything has the potential to be beautiful, if given the chance.

like the words of one of my favorite poets.
[Who I wrote my final paper on]
and reminded me that, contrary to what this world says:
Love does not have to be outlandish and extroverted.
Love can an expression that is intimate and subtle.

I just want to be in love with God again.

You know, in Bible study we've been talking a lot about the book of John and the miracles Jesus did. And, moreover, how He gave it all to God. How He didn't want glory for Himself but for the Father and I want to be like that. I want to make God important again. More important than anything else in this world and pull myself away from the crowds like Jesus did. Pull myself away and to a secluded place for just me and My Dad.

Well Gandhi....I'm working on it. =P

i just need some clarity.

James 1:5-6
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Lately, my mind has been in shambles.

There are so many things that I've learned about myself within the last few weeks that I'm not sure where my head is at anymore. I've gotten inspired in a completely different way than what was expected and now it seems to have thrown all of my original plans onto the drawing board again. But is that wise? Is that safe?

the big question seems to be: Am I considering all of this for the right reasons? Or am I putting myself on a path that is more than a little rickety? More like, into the unknown?

I want to jump. But should I jump? And what are the repercussions that will follow if I do?

What are the repercussions that will follow if I don't?

Lord, I just want your guidance.
I want to do the right thing for the right reasons
And I want to trust that you'll take care of it all.

Please just, help me find You in all this.

Exodus 31:3

"And I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in ALL kinds of crafts-"

I have been inspired this week, to do more than what I have been doing.
To create art--
in all sense of the word.

William Drake once wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

And lately I've been thinking about that a lot. Thinking about how I don't want to be limited to just one form of expression. If this quarter has taught me anything, it's that I have a love and a appreciation for all forms of art: visual AND performing and all fields must be explored in some way or another.

all expression is healthy.
all expression is needed.
all expression is soothing.
and all expression is under-appreciated.

tonight, under the influence of many of the kids in the youth group + the added incentive of my family performing, I went to watch, for the first time, The Young Americans perform. Now, I've heard about this group for YEARS. It's a standard topic among the Rowland High School show choirs, but...man. Who knew the dream that I've been having for the past two years was already one that came true?

The Young Americans are doing EXACTLY what I hope to be doing one day. Using music to, not only raise awareness of it's healing power, but to make a difference in the lives of the youth of today. Furthermore, for me, I want to use it for God's glory. To spread the Gospel. To tell people about Jesus. And to unite more than just youth to youth, but Christian to Christian.

I think this is exactly what I needed to put things into perspective. To push me to push harder for what I know God is calling me to do. For the first time, after watching a show like this, I realized how much I wanted to be a part of something like this. To do something like this.

And no, I didn't have the urge to get up and perform. I wanted to lead and direct. I wanted to spearhead shows like this...because I think I can do it. God has been pointing me in this direction. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

Yeah. I'm going to do it. CHECK IT OUT

-aarika

Are you Mary or Martha today?

In the book of Luke there is the story of two sisters, Mary and Martha, who hosted a dinner where Jesus and His disciples attended. Martha, spent her time preparing the food, keeping the guests happy, and cleaning up after everyone. She did all this because Jesus was there, she wanted everything to be perfect for Him, she wanted to show her best to Him, wanted to be worthy of Him.

But she grew frustrated because her sister Mary was no help to her at all.

Mary stayed glued to Jesus' side, laying at His feet, tending to Jesus and only Jesus as she hung on His every word.

In the story, Martha became upset. I'm sure she felt cheated by her sister and felt like she was doing all the work. I wonder if she looked at Mary sitting by Jesus and thought,

"I would love to be there, listening to Jesus, but then who would bring out all of the food? Who would clean up the dishes? Who would refill the wine? Who would keep everything running smoothly? Surely the Jesus knows I want to be with Him, I just can't. If only Mary would help, then I wouldn't have do to it alone! Then maybe we could switch places from time to time...or finish early! But it still needs to get done! If I don't do it or she doesn't do it, who will?"

Maybe that's why she spoke out. Maybe that's why she asked Jesus to tell Mary to help her. But this is what Jesus said:

⁴¹"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things,
⁴²but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:41-42

Jesus told Martha that all the things she was worried about were unnecessary. Not to say they were unimportant or stupid, but unneeded. The only thing she needed to concern herself with was spending time with Him, building a relationship with Him, learning from Him, and that's why Mary had made the better choice. Jesus told Martha that because Mary had chosen Him, no one could take Him away from her and, likewise, no one could take her away from Him.

Jesus wanted the same for Martha. He wanted them to be close and to spend as much time as they could together because He loved her, and, though I'm sure He appreciated her efforts and her desire to make everything perfect for Him, He knew that He didn't need perfect. He just needed her.

I just keep going over what Jesus said in my head, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." and I keep thinking about all those times where I've felt like Martha. Where I've stood knee deep in the flood of my schedules, deadlines, and responsibilities and said, "But if I don't get this done now, then it'll never get done!" or "If I don't do it, then no one will."

But Jesus said not to worry about that stuff. He said, all that other stuff is just EXTRA and that as long as you take care of what's important, which in this case is my relationship with Him...all that other stuff will fall into place.

All that other stuff will get taken care of, by the most reliable person I sometimes never ask for....

The truth for today?

If I don't get this done now, God will take care of it.

If I don't do it now, God will take care of it.

That is always the right answer.

I see a generation

Friday night we sang the Hillsong United praise and worship song "Hosanna"and, though Ian has talked about being blessed by this before, I just reiterate that the stanzaa:

"I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith.

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees."

rings true for me. I see it. I see it.

I see it in EJ's leadership.

I see it in Kristine's hunger for the truth
In Lidia's joy and willingness to learn.

I see it in Eric and his music.
In Garrett and his compassion.

I see it in Derek and Aljay's comraderie
And Melissa and Kathleen's loyalty.

In the Hernandez sisters' generosity
And even Chelsea and her consistency.

Yes they all have struggles, they all have burdens, and they all have given me those moments when I feel like I want to shake them and pull my own hair out.

But I see it. I see God in them. And though they may have doubts and fears and issues of disbelief, God is never going to leave them, and if I can get anything across to them in the time that I have with them. It's that:

God will never leave you. And as long as He allows it, neither will I.

The past few weeks have been a struggle for the youth leaders. So much has changed in such a small amount of time that I can see the weariness and I've felt it too. =P

But Friday night, as we sang that song, God comforted me. Reminded me of how He is always working and proved it true with the youth's Surprise Appreciation Party.

To say I was surprised would be a complete and utter understatement. I was shocked and thrown off-guard. I was unsure of what to do other than thank them and praise God for his incomparable timing, because the timing was just a little too coincidental. Gotta love it though. Usually it's us that plan everything for the youth and surprise them randomly with cake and parties.

This time around it was all them and exceptionally successful.

[save for my epic fail as I hid in the other room during the big reveal. soooo not my fault that I thought it was a surprise party for alex..who's actual birthday is like...in june. hahahaha]

See: A cake and everything. You guys are such a blessing.

And I think this is the beginning of a revival. Why do I say that? Hah, well...why not? Why can't it happen right now?

The ball is in our court. So let's be decisive. What are we gonna do?

took a vacation from myself.

So...
I've never been a big fan of cities.
When my friends would go on and on and on about LA and living in Hollywood, in all honesty, I would say, "No thank you, not for me. Too crowded and the only thing I like is the theater."
But San Diego...?
Well, I just might make an exception.

Just came back from a very relaxing vacation with the family.

Last year, the sibs and I did not have the same spring break, so our family was forced to surrender our family time to a later date since we could not all be together.

But this year all returned to normal and after months of having to simply pass each other by in the hallways of our Upland home we got the chance to venture out as ONE unit into the well-loved Gaslamp district of Downtown SD.

It has always been one of my favorite places, and the last time I went...I think I was a senior and was seriously considering going to UCSD because of it.

Obviously God had other plans for me, which I don't resent in anyway.

But going back reminded me of all I loved about San Diego and how I truly believe that one day...I will go back on a more "long-term" visit.

Somehow, I can't imagine it not being an important site of my life. It's just a vibe I get, but for now, I can wait.

For now, I know that my place is here. Where I am, with the people I love,
And the work that I know has to be done.

So until then, I can wait. But SD, I'm coming for you baby!

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14