I only want to be a waitress at work, not in ministry...

I'm about three weeks into school, one month into two new ministries, three months into my new job, and five months into returning to my old, but new life.

I think it's safe to say that things are progressing.

But it's the way they are progressing that seems to leave me...tilted in a way. Off kilter? unbalanced? I'm not quite sure how to describe it, I just know that...there were so many things that I was so grounded in a year ago that have just proven to be unstable now. Relationships with certain people, personal beliefs, personal ambitions. So much has changed and, while I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to adjust.

I think the hardest thing to get used to is how disconnected I feel. It's like I've been stretched so far away from who I used to be that the prospect of severing all ties does not strike me as painful as it would have before. In fact it sometimes feels like the next logical step.

Which is almost illogical because I know that I am still forging bonds. I've put myself in situations where I am, spiritually and physically tying myself to this church and to these people. And it's entirely my choice, but...the complete self-sacrificing compassion that was once a part of my ministry of behavior is gone. I feel like...like it would be easy to walk away and that I wouldn't yearn for it the way that I used to. In fact, I don't actually feel that same fight and passion I once had for the Youth ministry.

But I'm good at it. So I do it. I'm good at ministry work. So I just do it because I'm not doing anything else. Is that a bad thing? It isn't right?

If I had all the money in the world I think I would just go. I would go into the world and see what I could do in it. I would go back to the Philippines. I would go to Japan to Korea to China. I would visit every single missionary and/or Pastor that I have ever encountered and just say, "God allowed me to get here. So what can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

But I don't have all the money in the world. So instead I go to church every Friday and Sunday I say the same thing to my own Pastors, my own youth group, my students, my friends. "What can I do? What do you need? How can I serve?"

And yet there is a part of my heart that so quickly allows the, "Oh, I don't need any help," comments to render me spent, which is when I reply, "Cool, alright, just let me know."

Then it just reminds me too much of work.

You see, I work in a Revolving Sushi Bar. So for my customers the food passes right by their table. My only job is to refill drinks, order them things that don't come on the belt, and count their plates when they are done. Granted, I do a few other things such as entertain, banter, and go above and beyond for my customers, but for the most part I sit back and wait to see if they need anything. I clean, I prepare for rushes that may never come, I check off things from our closing checklist so that I can go home early.

It's easy to to detach myself from my customers and, quite frankly, that's the way most of them like it. They come to eat with their families and friends, not chat up the waitress.

But...I don't want my ministry to be like that. I don't want to just sit back and prepare for things that may never happen. I don't want to just be around in case someone wants something. I just want to be working and through that work needs are filled. I want to be so immersed in the fire that there is no time for idleness.

I want that fire back. The fire that comes from really being called to something. I used to have it...but now I believe that God is asking me to be patient and it is one of the hardest things to do, because I just want to go. But He hasn't told me where yet, He has simply said, "Wait. Do the things that I am asking you to do now...and wait."

Things are still changing. Maybe He's just allowing for things to settle before tossing me back into the waves. Maybe He doesn't want me to be afraid of the storm that is raging within my own heart and instead preparing me for the moment when I'll be ready, when I'll be able to walk across that water toward Christ and not look away.

Maybe this is part of what being used here is though. God is using me even in my idleness.

Yeah...that I truly do believe. I just wish I wasn't so likely to forget.

Whew. In need of serious prayers.

This year I get two birthdays. =]

When I turned 20, God gave contentment and confidence in the wake of my second year of college. I was at the beginning of a new ministry endeavor and feeling invincible with God on my side.

At 21 I was in Vegas, awkwardly maneuvering through my first round of drinks and blushing my way through ordering them. (Who comes up with some of these vulgar names huh?) But at the same time God also gave me perspective on what it means to be an adult and the responsibility of conduct that comes with it.

 

This time last year, at 22, I watched two of my dearest friends join together in holy matrimony. God gave me their example of a Christ-centered love and reminded me of what it is I'm praying for: the love of a husband who loves Christ more than he loves me.

This year, at 23, I'm in the Philippines, in my last stretch of my year abroad, contemplating  where to go after this and completely in awe of the gifts God has given year-round.

But at this moment, I know that God has truly given me rest in Him, which is something I have been sorely lacking in the last 22 years of my life. God has given me rest and serenity in His presence. He has also given me new ambition and a passionate love for the new and old people in my life. These are things that stagger me and I just can't believe the omnipotence of the Lord, sometimes.

The truth is I never really pictured myself reaching 23.

I think I've said this before, but I always thought the rapture would have happened by now and I would forever live in heaven at the ripe age of 16 or 17. Just imagine my surprise when on my 18th birthday I woke up and was still on Earth! Haha!

But, I'm 23. Six years older than I thought I would be in heaven and, now that I've reached this point, I can't help but praise God for His omniscience.

He apparently has a lot of plans for me before I go home to be with Him.

For instance, He planned for me to:

- Graduate college

- Leave home

- Live abroad

- Meet people who would change my life.

- Be changed  by a country and a people and a lifestyle that has always been a part of me.

- love Him more because of it.

And I can't wait to find out what else He's got planned.

"Happy Birthday"

I've had my share of parties,

party dresses, party hats,

party favors, party themes,

I've really had all that.

I've had potluck lunches,

Pizza outings, movie dates,

Even a trip to Vegas

With free drinks and buffet plates

I've had dinner with my girlfriends

and with guy friends alike,

I've had all you can eat sushi

as a tradition on my birth night

But more than that I've had instances

of God's unwavering grace,

His love that has always showered me

And helped me face all that I've faced.

This year was very different,

More tame, if anything.

I'm here without my parents

and my brother and sister to sing.

There is no five part harmony

to the birthday song for me

No church family mooching food,

or youth to remind me I'm 23

But I am continually blessed

by the differences here,

The new faces and new friendships

I've made throughout the year.

I may not be home right now

To celebrate my birth,

But "home" has evolved to encompass more

Than where my house is on Google Earth

God, you have been so good to me,

The present of this year

Has been more than I could have ever hoped.

Thank you for bringing me here.

August: Shaken, not stirred...

I'm not sure if I could really articulate how incredible and overwhelming this month was,

but...as a writer half the fun is in the attempt. =P

So, let's start at the beginning...

I won't lie and say that the month started on a high note, because it surely did not. Not only was I reeling from being left to my own devices with my Lola leaving in late July, but I was also suffering from intense feelings of loneliness and homesickness because of VBS. Missing VBS was incredibly devastating for me because it IS my favorite time of the year. But God comforted me with the reassurance that He didn't send me here to think about the things I was missing, but to experience the things that I couldn't get back home. And man, do I praise God for his unfailing love and omniscience because He has been revealing Himself ten-times over this month.

For instance, if I had been in California this month instead of Eastern Samar then I would have completely missed out on the wonder that is Patron (pah-troh-n [haha don't forget to roll your "r"]).

August brought with it the Maydolong "Dolong Festival" which celebrates Saint Rocque who was the first to bring religion to the town. Now, regardless of the fact that the majority of Maydolong now is not Catholic, any excuse to party is a good excuse.

For a good week and a half before there were events every evening (3 of which I sang in) and August 15 was presentation day when all the schools and organizations first marched in a parade throughout town and ended up in the plaza for submission presentation. Four schools in all of Maydolong put together a kind of field show to portray how Maydolong got it's name, ESSU being one of them. So, prior to, classes were pretty much cancelled due to all the preparation.

But man was it worth it:



you can check out all of the photos here

But let me just say, I've never seen so many colors. And the fact that so many of my students, friends, and family were in the Fiesta parade and presentation gave me a sense of pride that I think will always have no matter where I go in life. I tend to get attached pretty quickly so I really shouldn't be surprised how much love I have for the people that I have come to meet and know here in Maydolong.

But anyway moving on...August 15 and 16 was a day to wander from house to house for free food. I can safely say that I was full for the two days that followed (and I only went to one house) but it was more the companionship that I found solace in. Which brings me to another reason why August was so monumental:

You want to make friends, you fellowship with them.

Fiesta was a reason to fellowship with an array of different people outside of the formality of school and work. I got to meet and introduce myself officially to a lot of my cousins' friends and even hang out with CYF in a different type of setting. It was a good week and it continued to build upon that foundation well into the following week.

Dinner with CYF

Snack in Lolo's Nipa Hut

 

Compassion Family Day

One event that I have been super excited for since Kimberly, Joey, and I became independent from Lolo and Lola was their birthday weekend. Kimberly's birthday is August 24th and Joey's August 27th, which I found out on a random evening when we were watching television.

This year Kimberly's birthday was on a Friday and Joey's the following Monday so, early on, I suggested we go do something. I love celebrating birthdays and making a big deal out of them. It's what Ate Aarika does, but I had a lot to learn about birthday traditions here in the P.I.

For instance, the MAJOR difference between birthday celebrations here in the Philippines and celebrations in the States is who throws the party.

Here, if it's your birthday, you're the one to throw the party, prepare the food, pay for everything, etc. etc. and giving presents is just not done. The present is that people show up. This is why people don't usually celebrate their birthday because they don't have the money to fund something like that, so in the past the most either of them had done was maybe have a few friends over for snack.

When Joey and Kimberly explained this to me I was floored. "What?! But...it'syourbirthday. Everyone else should be giving things to you, not the other way around! Andwhywouldn't you celebrate? It's an important day!" Haha it was pretty funny, but I relented. I figured, even if they didn't feel comfortable in doing something I would do what I do best and give them everything I could.

Of course when the days came, they brought with them the reality of how much God has blessed Kimberly and Joey with really loving and good friends. Friends who want to celebrate them more than the two of them want to celebrate themselves.

It just goes to show how humbleness, sincerity, and generosity are rewarded by the Lord. God has revealed so many of His own attributes through the two of them and I am constantly in awe over how the Lord lives through them. I praise God so much for giving them each another year to just be these beacons of light.

yeah. Gotta love 'em.

So, for Kimberly's birthday many of her friends came to the house and they cooked noodles and rice, brought drinks and snacks, and we made a day of it eating the bakintol that Kimberly taught me to roll the night before.



Her friends are all her batch mates: Criminology students that have, apparently, been wanting to get to know me for a while.

After an initial awkwardness of not really knowing what to say to each other we eventually fell into a comfortable banter. They tried their best to speak English to me while I tried my best to use what Waray/Tagalog I knew. Haha who knew that years of listening in on conversations back home would serve me well here or that I was even paying that much attention, but I surprised myself with how much Tagalog I actually do know.



But anyway, the language barrier has become more endearing than detrimental and Kimberly has told me that her classmates think I'm very cute. Like a chipmunk (they didn't actually say "Like a chipmunk" but I like to add that part since it's my cheeks that seem to be cutesy to a lot of them).

Now, I know that one day didn't completely eliminate the anxiety I tend to give people inadvertently, but it was enough to ensure an enjoyable Tuesday when I returned to school and felt like I had a stronger support system through the difficult times.

For Joey there was more of a hulabaloo over because 1. He's in ESSU-Chorale so his friends are performers. 2. He shares a birthday with Kuya Raffy who is not shy about wanting to celebrate his birthday either. And 3. President Benny Aquino announced that we would commemorate National Heroes Day on Monday August 27th instead of it's actual day:
Sunday, August 26th. That meant no school, no work, party party party.

Haha, so Joey's birthday actually started at 4am Monday morning.

I got a text message from one of my students, who also happens to be a Chorale Member with Joey and Kimberly and I let them through the gate. One of the traditions that I have come to deeply appreciate here in Maydolong is the Serenading Tradition, usually done on someone's birthday. I remember when I first came to Maydolong in 2006 my family was serenaded outside of our house the morning after we arrived and for Lolo's birthday CYF also serenaded Lolo in the morning.

This was no different. The ESSU-Chorale came and proceeded to serenade Joey for his birthday while Kimberly and I cooked breakfast. Spaghetti is the only thing I know how to make (and the Philippines is well stocked in Filipino spaghetti ingredients) so that's what we made. I praise God for the foresight to cook more since the CYF showed up at about 5am to serenade Joey also.

There were a lot of people in the house that morning.









CYF then told us that they actually came over to cook for lunch since we were all supposed to go to the beach to celebrate for Kuya Raffy and Joey, but we sent them away and said to come back after everyone had left.

Once they had, I amused myself by taking pictures of the boys work in the kitchen.
In contrast to when Kimberly's friends came over and all the girls cooked the food, for Joey's birthday all the boys did the cooking. I am constantly amazed by the resourcefulness of Filipino teenagers in the Province. The way that they are taught from a very young age to keep house is unlike the US culture or even the culture of Filipino teenagers in Metro Manila. It's an initiative that I know US grown kids don't gain until past eighteen (sometimes never) and I am both fascinated and convicted by their example.




After all the preparation we loaded up a put-put and headed over to the beach for a day of music, eating, and lots of picture taking.





For that celebration, and all the photos from this weekend, you can check the photos here.

But anyway, it was a good day with a lot of food, a lot of laughs, and a LOT of pictures.

Talking it over with Joey, after everything was said and done, even he couldn't believe all of the blessings given by his friends. All the work, the food, the money that was donated for the work and the food, 21 proved to have a good start to it and for Kimberly 19, as well.
After the birthday celebrations things pretty much returned to normal. We went back to school and things began to settle down other than the fact that we have a Showcase Concert scheduled for Sept. 7 so the practices for that began in full swing.

Lots of evenings at church. Lots of dancing and singing. It's almost like being home, only I'm in the youth instead of directing. (Can't say I don't enjoy it)
But then of course the excitement couldn't be over. August had done so well to shake up my perspective of life here that it was only fitting that the world offer a physical representation of it.

August 31st, 2012 - Friday night, after choir practice Joey, Kimberly, and I came back home with Roselle Ann (another cousin) and Brent (a friend from church). We were just hanging out in the living room, watching Wil Time Big Time, and then the house began to shake.
Now...there have been quite a few earthquakes since I've been here. None that were strong, most were just aftershocks from neighboring countries, so we've made a habit of the Deer in the Headlights reaction when the house begins to shake. But as the shaking persisted and then the electricity flashed on and off the flight reaction took over and we bolted out of the house, Kimberly and I out the back door, Joey, Roselle, and Brent out the front.

The electricity gave out and we could feel the Earth shaking beneath our feet. We had nowhere to go. In my mind I kept thinking, "We really shouldn't be near this tree," but the quaking didn't feel big enough to have to duck for cover, it just felt like any other aftershock. The difference was the duration. It was long and frightening all the same and once over we shuffled into the house to make sure that everything was alright.

I don't think any of us knew how to react so...we just made jokes. "Well, I guess we're all sleeping in the living room."

The humor was short lived as a ruckus could be heard outside and our gate was thrust open. There was a lot of yelling in Waray, but what I could understand was what people were yelling about, "The sea! The sea!"

The earthquake had led to gigantic waves and it was enough to remind everyone that we are on an island and a big earthquake could lead to a tsunami. Again, no one knew how to react, especially us, a bunch of sarcastic teenager to twenty-somethings so what did we do?

Continue to make jokes.

A lot of the children were frightened, crying and praying, crying and praying and I suddenly remembered that people here have never felt earthquakes like that and are also not privy to California desensitization towards natural disasters. So, what did I do? I texted my family. I asked them to pray for us so that we would be protected and that people would stay calm.

That was of course before I realized the severity of the earthquake. Of COURSE my family would be the first to go online and see what the magnitude was. Even we didn't know that here in Maydolong, but 7.9 is enough to shake up the whole world. Honestly, it didn't feel like a 7.9, but we knew enough to stay on higher ground and open our house to our family and friends who needed to a place on higher ground also.

We made a night of it: Late night talks, pictures documenting our makeshift slumber party, as well as more joking, "Don't go into town! The town is empty!" (one of those 'you had to be there' moments.

Yes, we all did not sleep well and yes we were stuck in a brown out throughout the next day into the evening, but...I couldn't really complain. It was the climactic end to a very exciting month and only made me excited to see what the coming months had in store.

That and...in all honesty I love brown out nights. Nights when there is no electricity and so Joey, Kimberly, and I lay out together by candlelight, hugging the tile floor in order to stay cool. We talk, we joke, we listen to the sound of the "oh. another frog." haha (another inside joke) and we fall asleep like that, completely at peace with the world.

The Lord is so good. He provided so many amazing things within the month of August and my only prayer is that the coming months are just as full and eye-opening. I am in awe of His provision and I never want that feeling to go away.

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever.

"Let's keep it simple," He says.

I have never, in my entire life, been a quiet person.

You can ask anyone. 

I have always been loud, outspoken, long-winded, 

a girl prone to giving too much information. 

I lack the ability to enjoy silence and the skill to sit amidst it without putting my foot in my mouth or making myself look completely ridiculous.

That's always been me. That's always been who I am.

But what often happens, when you make drastic life changes, 

is you get the chance to reinvent yourself 

and see who you become when you are no longer in the comfort zone.

Here, I am rather shy. Haha I know. Shocker.

I am shy and quiet and a regular homebody.

Part of it is because I'm submerged in a culture 

with a language I don't understand a majority of the time 

and therefore I can't really contribute to the conversations much anyway.

And the other part of it is...I'm rather enjoying the silence now.

For years I've been all about telling stories. 

Telling stories to everyone and anyone about everything and anything.

But I've been musing a lot on the ideas God must have had in sending me here.

Me, the most talkative person in the world,

to a place where I can't really talk that much.

Obviously, there's something I've got to hear.

So, 

I think this year is all about listening. 

To my students, to my grandparents, to my family.

Listening to the story God is trying to tell me through all of them.

Listening to the lessons God is trying to give me through the silence.

One thing that comes with that is the call for simplicity. 

Sometimes, too many words complicate things.

And in a place as simply beautiful as Maydolong?

Complicating things is an injustice to it.

In class, I have to be explicit when I explain things. 

I can no longer rely on the implications because my students don't know them.

My references differ from theirs. So I need to simplify.

Not dumb down. They aren't lacking in intelligence.

No, they deserve more than that

And so, they force me to be creative. It's easier for me to adapt to them

than ask all of them to change for me.

Therefore, it's about listening. Listening to how they speak and the jokes they make. Listening to the questions they have and opening myself up to hear them.

In the classroom God has whispered,"Let's keep it simple,"

And I intend to do just that.

In a nutshell?

I've started teaching:

Effective Writing for 2nd year BS-ED majors & Study 

and Thinking Skills for 1st year BS-IT majors

I sing in church choir

...and usually whenever my cousins need an alto harmony

I've been bonding

with my family

with my students

with God

And I've been trying to figure out what else to say.

There seems to be so much and yet nothing comes out.

Hopefully, in the morning I'll be able to push through and articulate myself better.

But for the moment, that's all I got.

See you later! 

a little late night musings

The minutes are slowly passing by

and I am still sitting awake with my thoughts.

They regale me with the moments that have gone unnoticed during the day

and remind me of all the missing pieces I have taken for granted.

To be built up and put together is a rarity for me.

I can fake it with the best of them, make it seem like I've got it all figured out.

But the truth is, I'll always be an unfinished puzzle,

Because God's still working on me.

The last few days have opened my mind up to a number of things.

What I want, what I need, what I need to want...

And through it all I have realized just how good God really is.

I Praise God for:

a number of things, starting with my very fun-filled trip to Maui, Hawaii.

There was lots of stuff to do and fun to be had,
but my favorite moments were the ones that came early in the morning
when I was able to sneak down to the shore
sit with my ipod and relish in the calm, sea breeze beauty of God's creation.


But I did miss home.

It was nice to get away, and to say that I don't miss it and still wish, at times, that I was still away...
it's nice to get back to work and know that God planned for the timing of that trip perfectly
and he also planned the perfect timing for the trip to end.

who am I to complain?
But, thank God for those beautiful peaceful mornings where it was just me and Him, because I really needed the time.

Hello Maui!

just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our hotel room.
Lord, please let this trip be an avenue of inspiration, because You are everywhere.

Summer days

in thinking over the past month or so since school ended

I've realized that a LOT has happened.

1. I have gone through a plethora of novels,

some good, some sad, some enlightening

some that showed me that a writer can be anyone and everyone

and that is the reason why i do what i do.

2. i've finished directing another musical,

which taught me more about patience and discernment than the last two combined

3. i've spent a lot of time by myself and with my thoughts.

God has been asking me to re-evaluate myself in everything from:

my relationship with my family to my relationship with my church family

my career goals, my life goals, my ministry goals...

and let's just say I've had a lot on my mind.

4. i've been able to spend a lot of time with family.

Especially these last few weeks.

My cousin Jac flew in from Texas last Tuesday and we were all reunited!

I praise God for the opportunity to bond and form a relationship with my cousin.

For his provision of time off work and free time to spend with her and my family.

I praise Him for the ability to talk to her and relate to her

and the capacity to love her as more than just blood,

but as a person who is praying for her salvation.

Also, my family from New Jersey AND the Philippines flew in

and after a much loved outing to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

the entire Ormeo clan was present at the Alura home for a full day of fellowship, eating, swimming, screaming, and more eating.

5. And lastly, I've really got to spend some time with God,

praying and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Most importantly, God has been waiting for me to turn to Him and say,

"Lord, I don't know where I am. I need you to lead me and I need you to stop me from trying to be a backseat driver."

So that's what I've been trying to do. Be more honest, be a better listener, be a better servant, and be a better me. I've had a lot of things building within me for the past year and I think some well spent time in prayer has been needed. Lord, keep the good hits coming and the bad ones going, cause i do not want to end this summer having learned nothing.

Elizabeth Gilbert on God

"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."

"There is a reason they call God a presence - because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

“God is an experience of supreme love.”

What do I want?

5. to travel. to see the world and broaden my horizons

4. to pursue a dream wholeheartedly

3. to make it on my own

2. to hear God speak

1. to do God's will

Dear God,

You are so good, because I just vented to You on Monday, and already You've provided more peace than I could have ever asked for. Thank You so much for Your faithfulness.

-Aarika

Sincerely Yours,

Dear Father God,

I love You. I don't say that enough and for that I am sorry. Actually, for a lot of things, I'm sorry.

Like for last night. I'm sorry for getting so angry and frustrated and anxious. I'm sorry that I came to You like that, so accusatory and so upset. I'm sorry that I curled up in a ball and hid from You instead of curling into Your arms and being honest. I know that I don't really have to be honest, that there is nothing I can hide from You. But...I also know that You love me too much to ignore me, and yet last night, like many other nights, I let myself believe You don't care. I hate my selective memory. But You already know that.

I was frustrated. I still am frustrated. I feel like maybe You're testing me or maybe trying to teach me something and I just haven't figured out what it is yet. I feel lonely. Not because You're not there, but just lonely in my thoughts. Which I think is so dumb because I'm pretty open. I haven't hid my thoughts from anybody.

Well, I guess that's not true. I have hid my thoughts from people. But it's just because I don't know how to make sense of it all yet. I think I know what I want and what I want from other people, but, You know, I'm not sure how to ask for them. Or even if I should ask for them. Which is why I came to You last night. I don't know what to do and so, my thoughts keep coming back to the idea that maybe I'm not supposed to do anything. Maybe it's all about trusting You.

But I do trust You. I just don't trust myself. I don't trust my own perception. I'm such a bad listener! And I let myself get so distracted.

That's why it is so hard. I know all things are possible with You. I know that I can't do anything without You. I mean, that's what you taught me through the musical You called me to do right?

"Can I form a single mountain? Take the stars in hand and count them? Can I even take a breathe without God giving it to me?"

You are the one that does it all and has the big plan laying out in front of You, but...I can't tell if I'm obeying or missing everything completely. I feel like I'm not making sense of anything and I just want to hear You. Like, actually hear you.

I...ugh. Even reading this over I feel like all it says is "I". This shouldn't be about me, this should be about You. My life should revolve around You and I should just submit to You.

"Hear my cry, o God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"

Please. I want to cling to You Lord, I want it to be all about You. Lead me so that I will follow, because I know once I do...everything else will fall into place.

With all the love that You have given me,

Aarika

Words from Lauren F. Winner

Matthew 6:9-13
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as weforgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever
Amen"

There was much in the prayer that I didn't understand. I didn't know that will was a noun, I only knew it as a verb, so my grammatical reading of the second line of the Lord's Prayer -- "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" -- was a little off. I thought "will be done" the verb so "Thy", the possessive pronoun, must be the subject. And I prayed fervently that Thy would be done.

Sometimes in church I think about that still. I think maybe that is what we should be praying for, not just God's will be done, but that everything that is God's, everything that is His, everything that is Thy, will be done. Yours be done, I chant in my head. Yours. Yours. Yours. Everything that is Yours.

- girl meets GOD pg. 147-168

Currently Reading:

I've always been a big romantic softy at heart, loving stories of the classic girl meets boy, boy loves girl genre. I find that no matter who the characters are, what the situation is, or how it ends. Even if I've heard/read the story a million times... it never gets old.

But it wasn't until I was older that I was able to dive in and truly appreciate the one love story that all other love stories mirror. The single greatest written love affair in the entire universe, the one that directly connects the reader to the Author, because the text IS a love letter to the reader from the Author.

The Bible. God to me. God to you. And when I stumbled upon Lauren Winner's book "Girl meets GOD", actually began reading it out of the piles of books that I have precariously been casting away in favor of other activities, that I was reminded again of who God is.

Girl meets God is a recount of Lauren F. Winner's own personal story. How she came from being a very faithful and very active Orthodox Jew to a Christian.

I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the book; maybe a beautiful and inspiring story of how the pull of God's love and the gift of Jesus ached within her or maybe an unfavorable encounter within the Jewish religion. But whatever it was, I didn't get it.

Not in the way I thought at least.

Winner's book thus far has been enlightening, not because her story has been especially unique, but because it is especially... relatable.

for instance:

"Evangelizing, if it means handing out tracts, is not something I do. I don't ever casually swing my arm around a friend's shoulders, look meaningfully into her eyes, and ask, 'Susie, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, would you go to Heaven?' When I come face-to-face with Jesus' commission to the disciples--go and spread the word around the world--I wince, for I know I am not even spreading it around Morningside Heights.

I take comfort in the church's current affection for what is politely called 'lifestyle evangelism.' Being a lifestyle evangelist doesn't require handing out tracts; it just requires living a good, God-fearing, Gospel-exuding life. I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

Upon reading this I felt like she was quoting straight from my mind. I, myself, have always had trouble with being particularly bold in the face of man. I've been rebuffed and snubbed so many times by some of my closest friends that the thought of being rebuffed by acquaintances or strangers is not particularly appetizing. But I do feel guilty sometimes. I feel sad for the missed opportunities that pile up in my mind and I strive to correct this, knowing that God calls us to make disciples of all nations.

But it is hard. I tend to be more of the nurturer rather than the instigator but... the point is Lauren Winner took the words right out of my mouth.

"I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

In short, Lauren Winner's novel, thus far for me, has been speaking to me. Like God is using her to speak directly to me. And man He's got a lot to say.

I've never thought that my story, my testimony is one of those whirlwind, life-changing stories that, by just being shared, can touch people.

It's a common story. Girl from a God-fearing home grew up rebelling God at every angle with a self-righteous cover, until she couldn't do it anymore and God broke down the wall that she was putting up to block Him so that He could take her into His arms and call her His own.

That's it. Poetically said, but there are no rising action subplots of drugs, teenage pregnancies, or sex. And there are no falling action resolutions of rehab, abortions, and STD's. I've led a relatively normal life where it's just been me, trying to keep myself from turning on the straight and narrow and getting distracted. It's just me trying to let go of all control. It's just me trying to give it all to God.

And Lauren Winner is just like me. Her story has showed me that going to hell and back doesn't mean going through the streets and landing in the gutter (at least not for me). Going to hell and back just means going away from God and then coming back. That's it.

And with that truth. I'm so glad that it never gets old.

The Analogy

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

Distractions

So,

last night I made my way to the biffer's home so that we could trek our way together out to Irvine. The home turf of a sister in Christ as well as the MTV made famous hip hop "crew" Kaba Modern.

UC Irvine's local celebrity dance fratority...er. crew. =P

Anyway, it was all really for Richelle Jeans, so that she could get a sense of what an audition for a crew would look like and also so she could support some of the friends she made in the process of doing dance workshops with Kaba.

It was very interesting for me, a bonafide "not dancer" to get a look into this world that has taken my BFF by the heart and pulled her in. But overall, I came out with one important lesson.

You gotta be confident in yourself and your skill.

Granted there were some who were more "skilled" than others but the fact that so many of them went in, guns blazing, and performing their hearts out...well...it was inspiring.

Made me remember just how lackluster I've been in my own journey toward what has always been my ultimate goal: The Best-Seller's list.

Perhaps it's because the literary world is not as flashy as the dance world or as blatantly soul pouring...but the rules still apply.

Art is art. And if I got it in my heart, then I gotta lay it all on the floor and just go for it.

A few years ago, my response when people would say "it's hard to get published" or "it's so competitive in that field, are you sure you can be that cut throat?" was to smile and shrug saying that I wasn't worried about it.

I had this confidence that THIS is what God was calling me to do and no one could shake me. It would happen.

But that was a few years ago.

And now, over 100 units and three workshop classes later, with graduation within reach that confidence is not what it used to be.

I think somewhere along the line, after countless and countless of doubtful looks, attempts to play devil's advocate, and awkward tensions from the admission of my major, it started to get to me.

Even the reality of my professors saying, "Be prepared to have a different career and writing on the side, because the business is hard, especially now."

Was enough to shake me and make me question what exactly is the practical choice for me. *sigh* But even with all of that "practical" talk I can't shake the feeling that if I choose to change avenues now I'll sorely regret it later on. I'll regret not believing in myself enough to push through.

But that means now, I gotta stay focused. I gotta stop getting distracted and letting other things around me pull me off the road. I gotta stop moving so fast and just take a moment to figure out what NEEDS to be done NOW at THIS moment and leave all the extra stuff for my extra time.

Moreover, I need to remember that God is not amazing because He is a practical God, He is amazing because He is a miraculous God. And in the midst of all this confusion and struggle to focus, I have to focus on His voice only and keep pressing forward. Block out all else and just listen to Him.

Pray for that. Because I really really REALLY need it.

My Birthday Weekend

"21"

A big year for most American youth, because it's the year we become "legal" and successfully break away from one of the last societal contingencies that shackle us to adolescence. Granted, there are many MANY people my age who fail to wait for this glorious year of adult hood before diving headfirst into the illegal act of underage drinking, but I am proud to say that I was not one of them.

I am proud to say that I waited until I was legal. And honestly? That made the experience so much more fulfilling and meaningful because I didn't give into temptation and God was so gracious in giving me a model family to set that example.

But, anyway, this past weekend was exciting for a number of reasons.

1. I was old enough to do more than just sit in the hotel room

2. I was going with my family in a huge brood and that's always fun when there is a lot of us.

3. I was old enough to play slot machines, though I did it only once or twice because I'm not too keen about chancing my money.

4. We were staying in Mandalay Bay.

and

5. I got to see and enjoy how much this right of passage into adult meant to my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, and my parents.

You see, for me, though I did enjoy this weekend, for my birthday I wasn't expecting much. I'm not much of a party-goer, the "party" scene isn't really my scene. But when the idea for this came up I went along with it, not because I didn't like the idea, but because my family loved the idea.

This was an opportunity for them to share in my graduation to adulthood. This was exciting for them and because of that the experience was all the more sweeter.

I laughed a lot. I learned a lot. And I had a lot of fun.

Now, with it over do I think it's something I would ever want to do again?

Uh... haha I wouldn't mind going back to Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. The hotels were fun and there was a lot to see.

But I'm not too keen on alcoholic drinks. The few that I did have left me a little light-headed and the taste was not one I would be jumping to have again. And the casino games kind of scared me. I would have preferred to go to Circus Circus or Excalibur and blow my money on carnival games, but watching people play is fun.

So, overall, I think I've simply come to the conclusion that it's nice to have the option.

And I praise God because this is one more thing that He's saved me from being enslaved to. He kept me away from temptation, He kept me grounded with loving parents and a loving family that keeps me accountable to my actions. And He also continues to provide these things regardless of my age.

So again, it's great that I have the option. But it's even more amazing when I choose to opt out.

21 on the 21st

Last year I turned 20 and wrote a nifty little blog about growing older and "Standing on the promises of a Risen King" which continues to sustain in truth even as my 20th year comes to a close.

But, now I find myself at the beginning of a new year. My new year. That brings with it a plethora of strange and new realities.

And I'm not just talking the new legal realities, but the life realities. The ones that stand to root me more firmly into the ground as an adult.

::shivers::

Every time I think about it I get kind of wigged out.

I went back to read some of my old posts in regards to my birthday and they've all gone on about having a certain emotion.

16 = Impatience
"happy birthday to me
i'm sixteen yipee!
all i need is a permit
and i'll really be happy!!!"

17 = Awe
"turning seventeen...has inadvertantly turned everything around for me"

18 = Excitement
" it's not so hard anymore to picture myself as an adult, going off to college, graduate school, getting married, having kids. I can see it all happening.
And it looks so beautiful."

19 = Grateful
"I am proud that today is my birthday and extremely flattered that so many others are happy that it's my birthday too but, 1st Corinthians 1:31 says:
Therefore, as it is written: Let him who boasts boast in the Lord
So, the truth is, the glory HAS to go to God first, because it has nothing to do with me."

20 = Blessed
"I am truly blessed by a God who not only provides me my needs, but provides people to remind me of Him everyday. I see Christ in those around me and it makes my heart swell to know that I am not alone."

What emotion does 21 bring you ask?

Well, in the wake of reading, not just the last five birthday posts, but all the posts I could get my hands on, (going as far back as 8th grade)

I have realized that, this year, I am all of these emotions mixed together. I am slightly impatient to see what this year will bring, but in awe of God's power. I am excited for the life He is continuing in me, grateful that He saved me and truly blessed by His faithfulness to me ESPECIALLY in those bad years.

Looking back at the past 21 years I praise God because, even though I strayed from Him (a lot!), He never let me get too far away. And it's because of Him that I have reached this point in my life, where I am satisfied in His love, happy to be serving Him, and with a greater perspective on How lost I was and would still be without Him.

Thank you to all those who greeted me Happy Birthday. My only request is that you keep me accountable to my promise to God.

This year, I promise to give everything to God, because He gave everything for me.

-aarika

God knows what I need.

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”
Don DeLillo

In the last few months I have dreamt up dozens of different concepts for music videos, dance skits, dramatic monologues, and even movies. I've pictured in my head nearly a hundred different stories with complex character motivations, interactions, shortcomings, and triumphs.

But I haven't been writing.

And when I say that, I mean simply that, the world has become so much bigger than my fiction. In discovering all of these new creative outlets my writing is the one that has been suffering because, like anything in life that is steady and dependable, when brought up against a new shiny adventure it's easy to push dependable aside. To make time for the new and exciting and reason that the rest will always be there.

But that has terrified me.

Despite the fact that my mind was completely blown away by all of the different ways I discovered to express myself and how I have wanted nothing more than to just create and dedicate and motivate. *sigh* (which is what I still want)

As my actual writing...I have found myself stagnant. Blocked. Backed up.

And it hurts. It seriously pains me because I just feel bloated and overwhelmed. I want to write but every time I've sat down to just pour it all out I've felt like there's a lid on me. Like, I'm dripping all over the place but am unable to open myself up.

It's been daunting, especially with this quarter and the reminder that I have very little time left. Graduation is looking to be about a year away. What will I have to show at the end of it besides my degree?

But then....today I was reminded of God's goodness. Today reminded me of everything I've ever wanted and things have changed, which is CRAZY because I was just praying about this last night. I started this post last night.

So let me explain:

I've always been a bit of a freak. Harry Potter Freak, Fanfiction Freak, Read Or Die OVA Freak.

yeah. I know.

But, I am also one of the BIGGEST High School Musical Freaks ever. hahaha. I would say that it's embarrassing to admit, but....it's really not. I'm loud, I'm proud. And allowed, so don't hate. haha

Anyway, I was driving home from work today when the HSM 3 Finale song came on in my car (because I burned it on a CD). This song is forever one of my favorites because it reminds me of how that movie made me feel, but lately I've skipped it over it a couple times, or just turned my music off because I've been upset. Well not today.

This is what stuck out to me:

"Now we've finally realized, who we are it just took some time
We had to live and to learn, to see the truth!
(Learn to see the truth)
Nothing's ever impossible, into the future we all free fall
but forever we'll always have high school!

High School Musical, who says we have to let it go
It's the best part we've ever known, step into the future but hold on to
High School Musical, let's celebrate where we've come from

All together, makes it better
Memories that last forever
I want the rest of my life
to feel just like a, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!"

Okay, so, let's get something straight: I don't really miss my high school. I had a lot of fun, sure I can get nostalgic sometimes, but I know that high school belongs in my past. That's not what this song is talking about. To me, it's not literally about wanting to keep your mindset on high school forever or to never let go of it entirely, because...you have to at some point.

No, to me, this song reminded me of everything that I love about the High School Musical Trilogy.

I love the way it makes me feel. I love the message that comes across. The idea of how, when growing up, you are constantly at battle with stereotypes and the unknown of the future as well as all of the other things that can change your world forever when you're growing up. But High School Musical has always been about staying true to yourself. Not letting anyone define you or change you without your permission and most importantly that, when you want something you fight for it. When you love something and you're not sure how to fit it in your life, you make it work. It's not about making the right decision it's about making a good one.

And I realized that when it came to my writing I was letting myself get changed. I was looking at my work with such a critical eye that I was afraid to write things down. Nothing ever looked good enough and that's because it wasn't about being good enough for me, but for the rest of the world. I have wanted to be a published author since I was six years old. The past two years have really set in stone how HARD that is. How difficult the road is, and I got intimidated.

The reason why all of my other creative projects have been flourishing? It's because I did all of that out of love and pure uncompromising abandon. My writing hasn't been that way in a while and I need to get back to my basics. Because I still believe that this is what I'm meant to do. This is how I want to contribute and how I am going to contribute to this world.

And who cares if it's hard? Who cares if it's intimidating, I love writing. And I love my stories. Sure, there will always be people who will look at them and toss them aside, but what matters is what I think. If I love them, If I believe in them, then I should fight for them and be just as uncompromising.

"I want the rest of my life to feel just like my High School Musical"

Meaning? I want to spend the rest of my life feeling good about my work and knowing that it is good, it is centered, and it is me.