Sincerely Yours,

Dear Father God,

I love You. I don't say that enough and for that I am sorry. Actually, for a lot of things, I'm sorry.

Like for last night. I'm sorry for getting so angry and frustrated and anxious. I'm sorry that I came to You like that, so accusatory and so upset. I'm sorry that I curled up in a ball and hid from You instead of curling into Your arms and being honest. I know that I don't really have to be honest, that there is nothing I can hide from You. But...I also know that You love me too much to ignore me, and yet last night, like many other nights, I let myself believe You don't care. I hate my selective memory. But You already know that.

I was frustrated. I still am frustrated. I feel like maybe You're testing me or maybe trying to teach me something and I just haven't figured out what it is yet. I feel lonely. Not because You're not there, but just lonely in my thoughts. Which I think is so dumb because I'm pretty open. I haven't hid my thoughts from anybody.

Well, I guess that's not true. I have hid my thoughts from people. But it's just because I don't know how to make sense of it all yet. I think I know what I want and what I want from other people, but, You know, I'm not sure how to ask for them. Or even if I should ask for them. Which is why I came to You last night. I don't know what to do and so, my thoughts keep coming back to the idea that maybe I'm not supposed to do anything. Maybe it's all about trusting You.

But I do trust You. I just don't trust myself. I don't trust my own perception. I'm such a bad listener! And I let myself get so distracted.

That's why it is so hard. I know all things are possible with You. I know that I can't do anything without You. I mean, that's what you taught me through the musical You called me to do right?

"Can I form a single mountain? Take the stars in hand and count them? Can I even take a breathe without God giving it to me?"

You are the one that does it all and has the big plan laying out in front of You, but...I can't tell if I'm obeying or missing everything completely. I feel like I'm not making sense of anything and I just want to hear You. Like, actually hear you.

I...ugh. Even reading this over I feel like all it says is "I". This shouldn't be about me, this should be about You. My life should revolve around You and I should just submit to You.

"Hear my cry, o God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe"

Please. I want to cling to You Lord, I want it to be all about You. Lead me so that I will follow, because I know once I do...everything else will fall into place.

With all the love that You have given me,

Aarika