I've been finding myself completely uninteresting lately.

I look at all the things that the people I love are doing.

All of the adventures they seem to be having

all the experiences they've gone after...

And I feel like I'm running behind on everything.

This quarter was so important to me. It put a lot of things into perspective and, yet, as it ends I find just how invested I was in the small picture and how much I missed out on the bigger one.

I don't know.

Sometimes, when you're least expecting it, you catch glimpses of the "what ifs"

What if I had turned left instead of right?
What if I had stayed on a Tuesday/Thursday schedule?
What if I had stuck to choir instead of writing?
What if I had gone for it instead of getting scared?

Sometimes those glimpses prove that you made the right decision and that God had something bigger and better in mind. And yet other times the glimpses make you wonder why God didn't want that for you. It seems so much happier on the other side and so much more painful on this one. What am I supposed to learn from this?

I'm not questioning God's sovereignty. I know that He has this plan that is bigger than anything I could have dreamed up.

But sometimes I feel like I say it so much that I'm trying more so to convince myself then anyone else.

Like I'm trying to justify all the heartache instead of trying to move on from it.
I know we're supposed to let God take care of everything, we're supposed to trust that He's going to take care of us. But what if the way God takes care of it is by moving us to do something about our lives? What if He's calling for me to get control back. Not for myself but for Him?

It's always so frustrating. I say to someone, "I don't know what to do."

And then they say, "See! That's you're problem right there. You shouldn't be trying to do anything because you can't do anything without God."

Then in my head I'm like, "Who said anything about doing it without God? I'm just trying to figure out what God wants me to do."

Then a whole array of other arguments ensue until I just get too tired to fight back.

So now, I've sat here for months waiting for something. Carrying on with the little things and praying for God to take care of all of the big stuff. But now I'm thinking that maybe all this time He was calling me to move so that He can show me how He wants me to change.

All of the other people in my life, whom I love, are all busy with their own parts in God's will. Maybe it's time I got busy in mine.