August: Shaken, not stirred...

I'm not sure if I could really articulate how incredible and overwhelming this month was,

but...as a writer half the fun is in the attempt. =P

So, let's start at the beginning...

I won't lie and say that the month started on a high note, because it surely did not. Not only was I reeling from being left to my own devices with my Lola leaving in late July, but I was also suffering from intense feelings of loneliness and homesickness because of VBS. Missing VBS was incredibly devastating for me because it IS my favorite time of the year. But God comforted me with the reassurance that He didn't send me here to think about the things I was missing, but to experience the things that I couldn't get back home. And man, do I praise God for his unfailing love and omniscience because He has been revealing Himself ten-times over this month.

For instance, if I had been in California this month instead of Eastern Samar then I would have completely missed out on the wonder that is Patron (pah-troh-n [haha don't forget to roll your "r"]).

August brought with it the Maydolong "Dolong Festival" which celebrates Saint Rocque who was the first to bring religion to the town. Now, regardless of the fact that the majority of Maydolong now is not Catholic, any excuse to party is a good excuse.

For a good week and a half before there were events every evening (3 of which I sang in) and August 15 was presentation day when all the schools and organizations first marched in a parade throughout town and ended up in the plaza for submission presentation. Four schools in all of Maydolong put together a kind of field show to portray how Maydolong got it's name, ESSU being one of them. So, prior to, classes were pretty much cancelled due to all the preparation.

But man was it worth it:



you can check out all of the photos here

But let me just say, I've never seen so many colors. And the fact that so many of my students, friends, and family were in the Fiesta parade and presentation gave me a sense of pride that I think will always have no matter where I go in life. I tend to get attached pretty quickly so I really shouldn't be surprised how much love I have for the people that I have come to meet and know here in Maydolong.

But anyway moving on...August 15 and 16 was a day to wander from house to house for free food. I can safely say that I was full for the two days that followed (and I only went to one house) but it was more the companionship that I found solace in. Which brings me to another reason why August was so monumental:

You want to make friends, you fellowship with them.

Fiesta was a reason to fellowship with an array of different people outside of the formality of school and work. I got to meet and introduce myself officially to a lot of my cousins' friends and even hang out with CYF in a different type of setting. It was a good week and it continued to build upon that foundation well into the following week.

Dinner with CYF

Snack in Lolo's Nipa Hut

 

Compassion Family Day

One event that I have been super excited for since Kimberly, Joey, and I became independent from Lolo and Lola was their birthday weekend. Kimberly's birthday is August 24th and Joey's August 27th, which I found out on a random evening when we were watching television.

This year Kimberly's birthday was on a Friday and Joey's the following Monday so, early on, I suggested we go do something. I love celebrating birthdays and making a big deal out of them. It's what Ate Aarika does, but I had a lot to learn about birthday traditions here in the P.I.

For instance, the MAJOR difference between birthday celebrations here in the Philippines and celebrations in the States is who throws the party.

Here, if it's your birthday, you're the one to throw the party, prepare the food, pay for everything, etc. etc. and giving presents is just not done. The present is that people show up. This is why people don't usually celebrate their birthday because they don't have the money to fund something like that, so in the past the most either of them had done was maybe have a few friends over for snack.

When Joey and Kimberly explained this to me I was floored. "What?! But...it'syourbirthday. Everyone else should be giving things to you, not the other way around! Andwhywouldn't you celebrate? It's an important day!" Haha it was pretty funny, but I relented. I figured, even if they didn't feel comfortable in doing something I would do what I do best and give them everything I could.

Of course when the days came, they brought with them the reality of how much God has blessed Kimberly and Joey with really loving and good friends. Friends who want to celebrate them more than the two of them want to celebrate themselves.

It just goes to show how humbleness, sincerity, and generosity are rewarded by the Lord. God has revealed so many of His own attributes through the two of them and I am constantly in awe over how the Lord lives through them. I praise God so much for giving them each another year to just be these beacons of light.

yeah. Gotta love 'em.

So, for Kimberly's birthday many of her friends came to the house and they cooked noodles and rice, brought drinks and snacks, and we made a day of it eating the bakintol that Kimberly taught me to roll the night before.



Her friends are all her batch mates: Criminology students that have, apparently, been wanting to get to know me for a while.

After an initial awkwardness of not really knowing what to say to each other we eventually fell into a comfortable banter. They tried their best to speak English to me while I tried my best to use what Waray/Tagalog I knew. Haha who knew that years of listening in on conversations back home would serve me well here or that I was even paying that much attention, but I surprised myself with how much Tagalog I actually do know.



But anyway, the language barrier has become more endearing than detrimental and Kimberly has told me that her classmates think I'm very cute. Like a chipmunk (they didn't actually say "Like a chipmunk" but I like to add that part since it's my cheeks that seem to be cutesy to a lot of them).

Now, I know that one day didn't completely eliminate the anxiety I tend to give people inadvertently, but it was enough to ensure an enjoyable Tuesday when I returned to school and felt like I had a stronger support system through the difficult times.

For Joey there was more of a hulabaloo over because 1. He's in ESSU-Chorale so his friends are performers. 2. He shares a birthday with Kuya Raffy who is not shy about wanting to celebrate his birthday either. And 3. President Benny Aquino announced that we would commemorate National Heroes Day on Monday August 27th instead of it's actual day:
Sunday, August 26th. That meant no school, no work, party party party.

Haha, so Joey's birthday actually started at 4am Monday morning.

I got a text message from one of my students, who also happens to be a Chorale Member with Joey and Kimberly and I let them through the gate. One of the traditions that I have come to deeply appreciate here in Maydolong is the Serenading Tradition, usually done on someone's birthday. I remember when I first came to Maydolong in 2006 my family was serenaded outside of our house the morning after we arrived and for Lolo's birthday CYF also serenaded Lolo in the morning.

This was no different. The ESSU-Chorale came and proceeded to serenade Joey for his birthday while Kimberly and I cooked breakfast. Spaghetti is the only thing I know how to make (and the Philippines is well stocked in Filipino spaghetti ingredients) so that's what we made. I praise God for the foresight to cook more since the CYF showed up at about 5am to serenade Joey also.

There were a lot of people in the house that morning.









CYF then told us that they actually came over to cook for lunch since we were all supposed to go to the beach to celebrate for Kuya Raffy and Joey, but we sent them away and said to come back after everyone had left.

Once they had, I amused myself by taking pictures of the boys work in the kitchen.
In contrast to when Kimberly's friends came over and all the girls cooked the food, for Joey's birthday all the boys did the cooking. I am constantly amazed by the resourcefulness of Filipino teenagers in the Province. The way that they are taught from a very young age to keep house is unlike the US culture or even the culture of Filipino teenagers in Metro Manila. It's an initiative that I know US grown kids don't gain until past eighteen (sometimes never) and I am both fascinated and convicted by their example.




After all the preparation we loaded up a put-put and headed over to the beach for a day of music, eating, and lots of picture taking.





For that celebration, and all the photos from this weekend, you can check the photos here.

But anyway, it was a good day with a lot of food, a lot of laughs, and a LOT of pictures.

Talking it over with Joey, after everything was said and done, even he couldn't believe all of the blessings given by his friends. All the work, the food, the money that was donated for the work and the food, 21 proved to have a good start to it and for Kimberly 19, as well.
After the birthday celebrations things pretty much returned to normal. We went back to school and things began to settle down other than the fact that we have a Showcase Concert scheduled for Sept. 7 so the practices for that began in full swing.

Lots of evenings at church. Lots of dancing and singing. It's almost like being home, only I'm in the youth instead of directing. (Can't say I don't enjoy it)
But then of course the excitement couldn't be over. August had done so well to shake up my perspective of life here that it was only fitting that the world offer a physical representation of it.

August 31st, 2012 - Friday night, after choir practice Joey, Kimberly, and I came back home with Roselle Ann (another cousin) and Brent (a friend from church). We were just hanging out in the living room, watching Wil Time Big Time, and then the house began to shake.
Now...there have been quite a few earthquakes since I've been here. None that were strong, most were just aftershocks from neighboring countries, so we've made a habit of the Deer in the Headlights reaction when the house begins to shake. But as the shaking persisted and then the electricity flashed on and off the flight reaction took over and we bolted out of the house, Kimberly and I out the back door, Joey, Roselle, and Brent out the front.

The electricity gave out and we could feel the Earth shaking beneath our feet. We had nowhere to go. In my mind I kept thinking, "We really shouldn't be near this tree," but the quaking didn't feel big enough to have to duck for cover, it just felt like any other aftershock. The difference was the duration. It was long and frightening all the same and once over we shuffled into the house to make sure that everything was alright.

I don't think any of us knew how to react so...we just made jokes. "Well, I guess we're all sleeping in the living room."

The humor was short lived as a ruckus could be heard outside and our gate was thrust open. There was a lot of yelling in Waray, but what I could understand was what people were yelling about, "The sea! The sea!"

The earthquake had led to gigantic waves and it was enough to remind everyone that we are on an island and a big earthquake could lead to a tsunami. Again, no one knew how to react, especially us, a bunch of sarcastic teenager to twenty-somethings so what did we do?

Continue to make jokes.

A lot of the children were frightened, crying and praying, crying and praying and I suddenly remembered that people here have never felt earthquakes like that and are also not privy to California desensitization towards natural disasters. So, what did I do? I texted my family. I asked them to pray for us so that we would be protected and that people would stay calm.

That was of course before I realized the severity of the earthquake. Of COURSE my family would be the first to go online and see what the magnitude was. Even we didn't know that here in Maydolong, but 7.9 is enough to shake up the whole world. Honestly, it didn't feel like a 7.9, but we knew enough to stay on higher ground and open our house to our family and friends who needed to a place on higher ground also.

We made a night of it: Late night talks, pictures documenting our makeshift slumber party, as well as more joking, "Don't go into town! The town is empty!" (one of those 'you had to be there' moments.

Yes, we all did not sleep well and yes we were stuck in a brown out throughout the next day into the evening, but...I couldn't really complain. It was the climactic end to a very exciting month and only made me excited to see what the coming months had in store.

That and...in all honesty I love brown out nights. Nights when there is no electricity and so Joey, Kimberly, and I lay out together by candlelight, hugging the tile floor in order to stay cool. We talk, we joke, we listen to the sound of the "oh. another frog." haha (another inside joke) and we fall asleep like that, completely at peace with the world.

The Lord is so good. He provided so many amazing things within the month of August and my only prayer is that the coming months are just as full and eye-opening. I am in awe of His provision and I never want that feeling to go away.

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever.

Market Days

Here in Maydolong there are little store fronts where people can buy necessities for the house and for meals and things. But Borongan is where we do the bulk of our major shopping. It's the closest "city" to Maydolong and therefore holds the more industrial things such as the bank, the hospital, the LBC, Western Union, and Uptown Mall, which is more of a grocery story. We go maybe once a week, maybe twice if necessary, but Borongan is about a half hour away by multicab and it can be an exhausting trip. It's like Costco, you only go there to buy in bulk so that you don't have to spend money to go back the next day.

Still, in the rare moments when we all go together, like this past Saturday when my Lolo decided he wanted us to go shopping and then have lunch together at one of the restaurants whose waiting staff are friends of his. It's nice to spend some time with my cousins and get to watch them in action.

On Saturday, as my grandparents went to Uptown Mall to do the grocery shopping, I stuck with Joey and Kimberly to go to the market to pick up our produce for the next week. I've been here before, with Kimberly and Lola, but it was nice to get a glimpse into what it will most likely be like when it's just the three of us left together. AND I forgot to take pictures last time, so I came prepared.

The market in Borongan is basically an outdoor market, with tiled tables with sinks where people bring in their catch of the day and proceed to try and sell what they can.

In Eastern Samar fish is the main source of protein so there are stands and stands full of an array of different fish. Everything from salmon to bangus, it's all here and it's mostly what people eat.

Nothing like fresh fish that they cut up for you right on the spot and much cheaper than back home where you know that the fish isn't exactly that "freshly caught".

 Lining the sides of the fish vendors are all the produce stands. Green onions, eggplants, onions, potatoes, cabbage, carrots. Strangely, I can never find lettuce...hmmm...but there are always things like calamansi that you are hard pressed to find back home.

and everything looks so SMALL in comparison to the produce back home, which makes me seriously wonder how much of our produce is pumped with steroids haha. The only things that seem to be the "appropriate" size is the garlic, but everything else is like two sizes smaller than their US counterpart.

And then, of course, hanging above the produce are all the "condiments" haha this is our condiments aisle. Bags of oil, soy sauce, mayo, salt and pepper, as well as bread crumbs for fried chicken and the different spices to add to rice, noodles, and what not. It always fascinates me when we go through the market. And yes, I tend to bring attention to myself as a tourist when I bust out the Sony Cybershot, because it's not exactly a subtle looking camera, but I hardly care. It's all stuff that no one would really understand unless I show it to them.

Overall, I enjoy Market days. They never cease to remind me how extremely different life is here, but at the same time how life still goes on. =]

-till next time

"Let's keep it simple," He says.

I have never, in my entire life, been a quiet person.

You can ask anyone. 

I have always been loud, outspoken, long-winded, 

a girl prone to giving too much information. 

I lack the ability to enjoy silence and the skill to sit amidst it without putting my foot in my mouth or making myself look completely ridiculous.

That's always been me. That's always been who I am.

But what often happens, when you make drastic life changes, 

is you get the chance to reinvent yourself 

and see who you become when you are no longer in the comfort zone.

Here, I am rather shy. Haha I know. Shocker.

I am shy and quiet and a regular homebody.

Part of it is because I'm submerged in a culture 

with a language I don't understand a majority of the time 

and therefore I can't really contribute to the conversations much anyway.

And the other part of it is...I'm rather enjoying the silence now.

For years I've been all about telling stories. 

Telling stories to everyone and anyone about everything and anything.

But I've been musing a lot on the ideas God must have had in sending me here.

Me, the most talkative person in the world,

to a place where I can't really talk that much.

Obviously, there's something I've got to hear.

So, 

I think this year is all about listening. 

To my students, to my grandparents, to my family.

Listening to the story God is trying to tell me through all of them.

Listening to the lessons God is trying to give me through the silence.

One thing that comes with that is the call for simplicity. 

Sometimes, too many words complicate things.

And in a place as simply beautiful as Maydolong?

Complicating things is an injustice to it.

In class, I have to be explicit when I explain things. 

I can no longer rely on the implications because my students don't know them.

My references differ from theirs. So I need to simplify.

Not dumb down. They aren't lacking in intelligence.

No, they deserve more than that

And so, they force me to be creative. It's easier for me to adapt to them

than ask all of them to change for me.

Therefore, it's about listening. Listening to how they speak and the jokes they make. Listening to the questions they have and opening myself up to hear them.

In the classroom God has whispered,"Let's keep it simple,"

And I intend to do just that.

In a nutshell?

I've started teaching:

Effective Writing for 2nd year BS-ED majors & Study 

and Thinking Skills for 1st year BS-IT majors

I sing in church choir

...and usually whenever my cousins need an alto harmony

I've been bonding

with my family

with my students

with God

And I've been trying to figure out what else to say.

There seems to be so much and yet nothing comes out.

Hopefully, in the morning I'll be able to push through and articulate myself better.

But for the moment, that's all I got.

See you later! 

Keep Calm and Carry On

Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

There are moments when I push through every emotion and doubt until I railroad them to the ground. And then..

then there are moments when I can barely bring myself to move passed them.

Under all the excitement and all the anticipation is this fear that is overwhelming and it eats away at me inside like a hunger that can't be satisfied.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid and the general response is always, "Don't be."

If only it were a switch that I could just switch off, but it's not. Confidence and faith are two of the hardest things to keep a hold on because as humans we are susceptible to the lies and deception of Satan. Just like Eve we are tempted away from trusting in God's plan and as much as I know what my response to such temptations should be I can't sustain them.

I just can't.

This should be a time of reflection and pride over the years and countless hours I spent working hard and doing everything I could to finish what I started.

The sweat and the tears and the mind power it took to push through every obstacle and keep my foot solidly on the ground.

But as I stand here, nearly eleven hours away from my final hours as an undergraduate, all that comes to mind is everything I failed at.

All the opportunities I missed. All the things I didn't learn. All the things I am still unqualified for because of my age, my status, my lack of wisdom.

As "impressive" as everything I have done may seem
what is weighing down on me is the doubts that still come:
"Are you sure you can do it?" "I don't think what you're saying is right." "Maybe I'll ask someone else."

I just...

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty that should make me turn to Christ and rest in Him.
That's the right answer! That's what should be happening. But it's not and I don't know why.

"Just stop."

"Just pray."

"Don't be afraid."

"How can you be scared?"

"Just trust."

It all sounds so easy and yet it's so not.

Things have gotten a little crazy...

i'll update soon, but for right now I just gotta take a step back, breathe, and figure out my life.

I Praise God for:

a number of things, starting with my very fun-filled trip to Maui, Hawaii.

There was lots of stuff to do and fun to be had,
but my favorite moments were the ones that came early in the morning
when I was able to sneak down to the shore
sit with my ipod and relish in the calm, sea breeze beauty of God's creation.


But I did miss home.

It was nice to get away, and to say that I don't miss it and still wish, at times, that I was still away...
it's nice to get back to work and know that God planned for the timing of that trip perfectly
and he also planned the perfect timing for the trip to end.

who am I to complain?
But, thank God for those beautiful peaceful mornings where it was just me and Him, because I really needed the time.

Hello Maui!

just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our hotel room.
Lord, please let this trip be an avenue of inspiration, because You are everywhere.

Summer days

in thinking over the past month or so since school ended

I've realized that a LOT has happened.

1. I have gone through a plethora of novels,

some good, some sad, some enlightening

some that showed me that a writer can be anyone and everyone

and that is the reason why i do what i do.

2. i've finished directing another musical,

which taught me more about patience and discernment than the last two combined

3. i've spent a lot of time by myself and with my thoughts.

God has been asking me to re-evaluate myself in everything from:

my relationship with my family to my relationship with my church family

my career goals, my life goals, my ministry goals...

and let's just say I've had a lot on my mind.

4. i've been able to spend a lot of time with family.

Especially these last few weeks.

My cousin Jac flew in from Texas last Tuesday and we were all reunited!

I praise God for the opportunity to bond and form a relationship with my cousin.

For his provision of time off work and free time to spend with her and my family.

I praise Him for the ability to talk to her and relate to her

and the capacity to love her as more than just blood,

but as a person who is praying for her salvation.

Also, my family from New Jersey AND the Philippines flew in

and after a much loved outing to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

the entire Ormeo clan was present at the Alura home for a full day of fellowship, eating, swimming, screaming, and more eating.

5. And lastly, I've really got to spend some time with God,

praying and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Most importantly, God has been waiting for me to turn to Him and say,

"Lord, I don't know where I am. I need you to lead me and I need you to stop me from trying to be a backseat driver."

So that's what I've been trying to do. Be more honest, be a better listener, be a better servant, and be a better me. I've had a lot of things building within me for the past year and I think some well spent time in prayer has been needed. Lord, keep the good hits coming and the bad ones going, cause i do not want to end this summer having learned nothing.

I've been given perspective

ABC's

I'm a believer in knowing the basics. Having a good foundation in anything is so important to growth.

When you are in an English class it is important to know that "a" makes an "ah" sound like in "apple" but it also can make an "ae" sound like in "cake" or "aw" like in "awesome"

In math you need to know that 13 - 2 = 11 to solve the equation x+2 = 13

But there is a reason why those lessons come at the beginning of your education. Why they are reinforced in practice over and over again, but not necessarily retaught year after year.

It's because after a certain point you are trusted by those who taught you to know the basics. To refer back to those basics and use them when necessary. Those basics are important to your understanding of bigger things like analysis of text and complex equations in calculus and what not.

Understanding those basics leads to understanding bigger and more incredibly difficult things.

But. If you have a teacher who looks at you and deems you lacking of that knowledge and they reteach that to you, and continue to reteach it to you without really testing you in it, then what happens is half of the time that could have been spent in teaching you new things is spent in teaching you old things.

And the only things you'll end up being knowledgeable in those basics and nothing else.

You'll know how to read and you'll know your addition and subtraction. But that's as far as you'll ever go. You'll be a kindergartner forever.

I've been finding myself completely uninteresting lately.

I look at all the things that the people I love are doing.

All of the adventures they seem to be having

all the experiences they've gone after...

And I feel like I'm running behind on everything.

This quarter was so important to me. It put a lot of things into perspective and, yet, as it ends I find just how invested I was in the small picture and how much I missed out on the bigger one.

I don't know.

Sometimes, when you're least expecting it, you catch glimpses of the "what ifs"

What if I had turned left instead of right?
What if I had stayed on a Tuesday/Thursday schedule?
What if I had stuck to choir instead of writing?
What if I had gone for it instead of getting scared?

Sometimes those glimpses prove that you made the right decision and that God had something bigger and better in mind. And yet other times the glimpses make you wonder why God didn't want that for you. It seems so much happier on the other side and so much more painful on this one. What am I supposed to learn from this?

I'm not questioning God's sovereignty. I know that He has this plan that is bigger than anything I could have dreamed up.

But sometimes I feel like I say it so much that I'm trying more so to convince myself then anyone else.

Like I'm trying to justify all the heartache instead of trying to move on from it.
I know we're supposed to let God take care of everything, we're supposed to trust that He's going to take care of us. But what if the way God takes care of it is by moving us to do something about our lives? What if He's calling for me to get control back. Not for myself but for Him?

It's always so frustrating. I say to someone, "I don't know what to do."

And then they say, "See! That's you're problem right there. You shouldn't be trying to do anything because you can't do anything without God."

Then in my head I'm like, "Who said anything about doing it without God? I'm just trying to figure out what God wants me to do."

Then a whole array of other arguments ensue until I just get too tired to fight back.

So now, I've sat here for months waiting for something. Carrying on with the little things and praying for God to take care of all of the big stuff. But now I'm thinking that maybe all this time He was calling me to move so that He can show me how He wants me to change.

All of the other people in my life, whom I love, are all busy with their own parts in God's will. Maybe it's time I got busy in mine.

Elizabeth Gilbert on God

"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."

"There is a reason they call God a presence - because God is right here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time."

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

“God is an experience of supreme love.”

What do I want?

5. to travel. to see the world and broaden my horizons

4. to pursue a dream wholeheartedly

3. to make it on my own

2. to hear God speak

1. to do God's will

Words from Lauren F. Winner

Matthew 6:9-13
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses,
as weforgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever
Amen"

There was much in the prayer that I didn't understand. I didn't know that will was a noun, I only knew it as a verb, so my grammatical reading of the second line of the Lord's Prayer -- "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" -- was a little off. I thought "will be done" the verb so "Thy", the possessive pronoun, must be the subject. And I prayed fervently that Thy would be done.

Sometimes in church I think about that still. I think maybe that is what we should be praying for, not just God's will be done, but that everything that is God's, everything that is His, everything that is Thy, will be done. Yours be done, I chant in my head. Yours. Yours. Yours. Everything that is Yours.

- girl meets GOD pg. 147-168

phew.

today marks the last day of regular classes.

hmmm. kinda feels nice.

though i will admit that i miss those times when you had spent so much time with your teachers resulting in the both of you being genuinely glad for the time that you've spent together and the relationship that has come out of it.

lately it seems that you've got to have been in a few of your professor's classes before they genuinely start to care about you, but all the same, it still feels nice.

*sigh*

so this is my breather.

before the impending storm brewing.


haha. not yet. though i better get myself some floaties. because by next wednesday evening this will be me:


pray that all goes well.

Currently Reading:

I've always been a big romantic softy at heart, loving stories of the classic girl meets boy, boy loves girl genre. I find that no matter who the characters are, what the situation is, or how it ends. Even if I've heard/read the story a million times... it never gets old.

But it wasn't until I was older that I was able to dive in and truly appreciate the one love story that all other love stories mirror. The single greatest written love affair in the entire universe, the one that directly connects the reader to the Author, because the text IS a love letter to the reader from the Author.

The Bible. God to me. God to you. And when I stumbled upon Lauren Winner's book "Girl meets GOD", actually began reading it out of the piles of books that I have precariously been casting away in favor of other activities, that I was reminded again of who God is.

Girl meets God is a recount of Lauren F. Winner's own personal story. How she came from being a very faithful and very active Orthodox Jew to a Christian.

I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the book; maybe a beautiful and inspiring story of how the pull of God's love and the gift of Jesus ached within her or maybe an unfavorable encounter within the Jewish religion. But whatever it was, I didn't get it.

Not in the way I thought at least.

Winner's book thus far has been enlightening, not because her story has been especially unique, but because it is especially... relatable.

for instance:

"Evangelizing, if it means handing out tracts, is not something I do. I don't ever casually swing my arm around a friend's shoulders, look meaningfully into her eyes, and ask, 'Susie, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, would you go to Heaven?' When I come face-to-face with Jesus' commission to the disciples--go and spread the word around the world--I wince, for I know I am not even spreading it around Morningside Heights.

I take comfort in the church's current affection for what is politely called 'lifestyle evangelism.' Being a lifestyle evangelist doesn't require handing out tracts; it just requires living a good, God-fearing, Gospel-exuding life. I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

Upon reading this I felt like she was quoting straight from my mind. I, myself, have always had trouble with being particularly bold in the face of man. I've been rebuffed and snubbed so many times by some of my closest friends that the thought of being rebuffed by acquaintances or strangers is not particularly appetizing. But I do feel guilty sometimes. I feel sad for the missed opportunities that pile up in my mind and I strive to correct this, knowing that God calls us to make disciples of all nations.

But it is hard. I tend to be more of the nurturer rather than the instigator but... the point is Lauren Winner took the words right out of my mouth.

"I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

In short, Lauren Winner's novel, thus far for me, has been speaking to me. Like God is using her to speak directly to me. And man He's got a lot to say.

I've never thought that my story, my testimony is one of those whirlwind, life-changing stories that, by just being shared, can touch people.

It's a common story. Girl from a God-fearing home grew up rebelling God at every angle with a self-righteous cover, until she couldn't do it anymore and God broke down the wall that she was putting up to block Him so that He could take her into His arms and call her His own.

That's it. Poetically said, but there are no rising action subplots of drugs, teenage pregnancies, or sex. And there are no falling action resolutions of rehab, abortions, and STD's. I've led a relatively normal life where it's just been me, trying to keep myself from turning on the straight and narrow and getting distracted. It's just me trying to let go of all control. It's just me trying to give it all to God.

And Lauren Winner is just like me. Her story has showed me that going to hell and back doesn't mean going through the streets and landing in the gutter (at least not for me). Going to hell and back just means going away from God and then coming back. That's it.

And with that truth. I'm so glad that it never gets old.

The Analogy

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

With the fear of potentially regretting it...

I have realized that one of my biggest fears these days, in the midst of my youth and my ever-constant changing mind, is actually changing my mind. I fear being spontaneous and becoming, in the oh-so-hilarious terms of CBS' "How I Met Your Mother",

the Blitz.

Now what is the Blitz you ask? Well, as I learned in the episode 10 of season 6 called "Blitzgiving", Blitz is the name given to an individual who leaves or looks away and almost immediately misses something COMPLETELY EPIC AND AMAZING only to return immediately after to a crowd of people oohing, ahhing, and what not.

*sigh* yeah. Exactly. I am afraid of changing my mind, not necessarily without thought, but quickly and impulsively (regardless of my qualms) and then regretting it later because I missed out on something great.

And yes I know that I will always be missing out on something no matter what decision I make, but picture this:

You're walking down a dirt road, it's deserted, it's hot, you've run out of water and you're in desperate need of shelter, so you're hoping you'll eventually happen upon a town.

You've been walking for a while, tired and hungry, extremely thirsty, but it's been hours. You don't know if you're going to be able to make it and you start thinking "What if I started going off in the wrong direction? Should I turn around? If that's what happened I must be really far..."

Then ahead you see a path that forks off to the left and debate on whether or not you should take it. You haven't seen any town coming up and maybe that road will lead you to it, but it also could just lead you in a completely different direction even farther away from town. It's a risk. You're unsure. You're delirious and scared. But at the last minute you decide to follow the road and veer off to the left.

What you don't realize is that if you had just stayed on the path and walked another mile, you would have happened upon a farm house with a really friendly family sitting down to a big feast for lunch. And now that you've veered off to the left, you're actually walking right past that family, deeper and deeper into the unknown with no civilization for miles.

And that's it. By the time you realize you have to turn back it's too late. You're 100 miles away, tired, hungry, maybe even out of gas, and it's getting dark. You're doomed.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Being doomed by a split second decision, done much like how a bandaid is ripped off, and then finding out later it was a stupid move. I should have just stuck to my guns and more importantly trusted my first gut instinct because the second choice was made when my head was nor my confidence was in the right place.

just wanna love it.

sometimes i just want to lie back and sing.