Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.
There are moments when I push through every emotion and doubt until I railroad them to the ground. And then..
then there are moments when I can barely bring myself to move passed them.
Under all the excitement and all the anticipation is this fear that is overwhelming and it eats away at me inside like a hunger that can't be satisfied.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid and the general response is always, "Don't be."
If only it were a switch that I could just switch off, but it's not. Confidence and faith are two of the hardest things to keep a hold on because as humans we are susceptible to the lies and deception of Satan. Just like Eve we are tempted away from trusting in God's plan and as much as I know what my response to such temptations should be I can't sustain them.
I just can't.
This should be a time of reflection and pride over the years and countless hours I spent working hard and doing everything I could to finish what I started.
The sweat and the tears and the mind power it took to push through every obstacle and keep my foot solidly on the ground.
But as I stand here, nearly eleven hours away from my final hours as an undergraduate, all that comes to mind is everything I failed at.
All the opportunities I missed. All the things I didn't learn. All the things I am still unqualified for because of my age, my status, my lack of wisdom.
As "impressive" as everything I have done may seem
what is weighing down on me is the doubts that still come:
"Are you sure you can do it?" "I don't think what you're saying is right." "Maybe I'll ask someone else."
I just...
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty that should make me turn to Christ and rest in Him.
That's the right answer! That's what should be happening. But it's not and I don't know why.
"Just stop."
"Just pray."
"Don't be afraid."
"How can you be scared?"
"Just trust."
It all sounds so easy and yet it's so not.
There are moments when I push through every emotion and doubt until I railroad them to the ground. And then..
then there are moments when I can barely bring myself to move passed them.
Under all the excitement and all the anticipation is this fear that is overwhelming and it eats away at me inside like a hunger that can't be satisfied.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid and the general response is always, "Don't be."
If only it were a switch that I could just switch off, but it's not. Confidence and faith are two of the hardest things to keep a hold on because as humans we are susceptible to the lies and deception of Satan. Just like Eve we are tempted away from trusting in God's plan and as much as I know what my response to such temptations should be I can't sustain them.
I just can't.
This should be a time of reflection and pride over the years and countless hours I spent working hard and doing everything I could to finish what I started.
The sweat and the tears and the mind power it took to push through every obstacle and keep my foot solidly on the ground.
But as I stand here, nearly eleven hours away from my final hours as an undergraduate, all that comes to mind is everything I failed at.
All the opportunities I missed. All the things I didn't learn. All the things I am still unqualified for because of my age, my status, my lack of wisdom.
As "impressive" as everything I have done may seem
what is weighing down on me is the doubts that still come:
"Are you sure you can do it?" "I don't think what you're saying is right." "Maybe I'll ask someone else."
I just...
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty that should make me turn to Christ and rest in Him.
That's the right answer! That's what should be happening. But it's not and I don't know why.
"Just stop."
"Just pray."
"Don't be afraid."
"How can you be scared?"
"Just trust."
It all sounds so easy and yet it's so not.
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