God knows what I need.

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”
Don DeLillo

In the last few months I have dreamt up dozens of different concepts for music videos, dance skits, dramatic monologues, and even movies. I've pictured in my head nearly a hundred different stories with complex character motivations, interactions, shortcomings, and triumphs.

But I haven't been writing.

And when I say that, I mean simply that, the world has become so much bigger than my fiction. In discovering all of these new creative outlets my writing is the one that has been suffering because, like anything in life that is steady and dependable, when brought up against a new shiny adventure it's easy to push dependable aside. To make time for the new and exciting and reason that the rest will always be there.

But that has terrified me.

Despite the fact that my mind was completely blown away by all of the different ways I discovered to express myself and how I have wanted nothing more than to just create and dedicate and motivate. *sigh* (which is what I still want)

As my actual writing...I have found myself stagnant. Blocked. Backed up.

And it hurts. It seriously pains me because I just feel bloated and overwhelmed. I want to write but every time I've sat down to just pour it all out I've felt like there's a lid on me. Like, I'm dripping all over the place but am unable to open myself up.

It's been daunting, especially with this quarter and the reminder that I have very little time left. Graduation is looking to be about a year away. What will I have to show at the end of it besides my degree?

But then....today I was reminded of God's goodness. Today reminded me of everything I've ever wanted and things have changed, which is CRAZY because I was just praying about this last night. I started this post last night.

So let me explain:

I've always been a bit of a freak. Harry Potter Freak, Fanfiction Freak, Read Or Die OVA Freak.

yeah. I know.

But, I am also one of the BIGGEST High School Musical Freaks ever. hahaha. I would say that it's embarrassing to admit, but....it's really not. I'm loud, I'm proud. And allowed, so don't hate. haha

Anyway, I was driving home from work today when the HSM 3 Finale song came on in my car (because I burned it on a CD). This song is forever one of my favorites because it reminds me of how that movie made me feel, but lately I've skipped it over it a couple times, or just turned my music off because I've been upset. Well not today.

This is what stuck out to me:

"Now we've finally realized, who we are it just took some time
We had to live and to learn, to see the truth!
(Learn to see the truth)
Nothing's ever impossible, into the future we all free fall
but forever we'll always have high school!

High School Musical, who says we have to let it go
It's the best part we've ever known, step into the future but hold on to
High School Musical, let's celebrate where we've come from

All together, makes it better
Memories that last forever
I want the rest of my life
to feel just like a, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!"

Okay, so, let's get something straight: I don't really miss my high school. I had a lot of fun, sure I can get nostalgic sometimes, but I know that high school belongs in my past. That's not what this song is talking about. To me, it's not literally about wanting to keep your mindset on high school forever or to never let go of it entirely, because...you have to at some point.

No, to me, this song reminded me of everything that I love about the High School Musical Trilogy.

I love the way it makes me feel. I love the message that comes across. The idea of how, when growing up, you are constantly at battle with stereotypes and the unknown of the future as well as all of the other things that can change your world forever when you're growing up. But High School Musical has always been about staying true to yourself. Not letting anyone define you or change you without your permission and most importantly that, when you want something you fight for it. When you love something and you're not sure how to fit it in your life, you make it work. It's not about making the right decision it's about making a good one.

And I realized that when it came to my writing I was letting myself get changed. I was looking at my work with such a critical eye that I was afraid to write things down. Nothing ever looked good enough and that's because it wasn't about being good enough for me, but for the rest of the world. I have wanted to be a published author since I was six years old. The past two years have really set in stone how HARD that is. How difficult the road is, and I got intimidated.

The reason why all of my other creative projects have been flourishing? It's because I did all of that out of love and pure uncompromising abandon. My writing hasn't been that way in a while and I need to get back to my basics. Because I still believe that this is what I'm meant to do. This is how I want to contribute and how I am going to contribute to this world.

And who cares if it's hard? Who cares if it's intimidating, I love writing. And I love my stories. Sure, there will always be people who will look at them and toss them aside, but what matters is what I think. If I love them, If I believe in them, then I should fight for them and be just as uncompromising.

"I want the rest of my life to feel just like my High School Musical"

Meaning? I want to spend the rest of my life feeling good about my work and knowing that it is good, it is centered, and it is me.