What do I want?

5. to travel. to see the world and broaden my horizons

4. to pursue a dream wholeheartedly

3. to make it on my own

2. to hear God speak

1. to do God's will

The Analogy

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

21 on the 21st

Last year I turned 20 and wrote a nifty little blog about growing older and "Standing on the promises of a Risen King" which continues to sustain in truth even as my 20th year comes to a close.

But, now I find myself at the beginning of a new year. My new year. That brings with it a plethora of strange and new realities.

And I'm not just talking the new legal realities, but the life realities. The ones that stand to root me more firmly into the ground as an adult.

::shivers::

Every time I think about it I get kind of wigged out.

I went back to read some of my old posts in regards to my birthday and they've all gone on about having a certain emotion.

16 = Impatience
"happy birthday to me
i'm sixteen yipee!
all i need is a permit
and i'll really be happy!!!"

17 = Awe
"turning seventeen...has inadvertantly turned everything around for me"

18 = Excitement
" it's not so hard anymore to picture myself as an adult, going off to college, graduate school, getting married, having kids. I can see it all happening.
And it looks so beautiful."

19 = Grateful
"I am proud that today is my birthday and extremely flattered that so many others are happy that it's my birthday too but, 1st Corinthians 1:31 says:
Therefore, as it is written: Let him who boasts boast in the Lord
So, the truth is, the glory HAS to go to God first, because it has nothing to do with me."

20 = Blessed
"I am truly blessed by a God who not only provides me my needs, but provides people to remind me of Him everyday. I see Christ in those around me and it makes my heart swell to know that I am not alone."

What emotion does 21 bring you ask?

Well, in the wake of reading, not just the last five birthday posts, but all the posts I could get my hands on, (going as far back as 8th grade)

I have realized that, this year, I am all of these emotions mixed together. I am slightly impatient to see what this year will bring, but in awe of God's power. I am excited for the life He is continuing in me, grateful that He saved me and truly blessed by His faithfulness to me ESPECIALLY in those bad years.

Looking back at the past 21 years I praise God because, even though I strayed from Him (a lot!), He never let me get too far away. And it's because of Him that I have reached this point in my life, where I am satisfied in His love, happy to be serving Him, and with a greater perspective on How lost I was and would still be without Him.

Thank you to all those who greeted me Happy Birthday. My only request is that you keep me accountable to my promise to God.

This year, I promise to give everything to God, because He gave everything for me.

-aarika

God knows what I need.

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”
Don DeLillo

In the last few months I have dreamt up dozens of different concepts for music videos, dance skits, dramatic monologues, and even movies. I've pictured in my head nearly a hundred different stories with complex character motivations, interactions, shortcomings, and triumphs.

But I haven't been writing.

And when I say that, I mean simply that, the world has become so much bigger than my fiction. In discovering all of these new creative outlets my writing is the one that has been suffering because, like anything in life that is steady and dependable, when brought up against a new shiny adventure it's easy to push dependable aside. To make time for the new and exciting and reason that the rest will always be there.

But that has terrified me.

Despite the fact that my mind was completely blown away by all of the different ways I discovered to express myself and how I have wanted nothing more than to just create and dedicate and motivate. *sigh* (which is what I still want)

As my actual writing...I have found myself stagnant. Blocked. Backed up.

And it hurts. It seriously pains me because I just feel bloated and overwhelmed. I want to write but every time I've sat down to just pour it all out I've felt like there's a lid on me. Like, I'm dripping all over the place but am unable to open myself up.

It's been daunting, especially with this quarter and the reminder that I have very little time left. Graduation is looking to be about a year away. What will I have to show at the end of it besides my degree?

But then....today I was reminded of God's goodness. Today reminded me of everything I've ever wanted and things have changed, which is CRAZY because I was just praying about this last night. I started this post last night.

So let me explain:

I've always been a bit of a freak. Harry Potter Freak, Fanfiction Freak, Read Or Die OVA Freak.

yeah. I know.

But, I am also one of the BIGGEST High School Musical Freaks ever. hahaha. I would say that it's embarrassing to admit, but....it's really not. I'm loud, I'm proud. And allowed, so don't hate. haha

Anyway, I was driving home from work today when the HSM 3 Finale song came on in my car (because I burned it on a CD). This song is forever one of my favorites because it reminds me of how that movie made me feel, but lately I've skipped it over it a couple times, or just turned my music off because I've been upset. Well not today.

This is what stuck out to me:

"Now we've finally realized, who we are it just took some time
We had to live and to learn, to see the truth!
(Learn to see the truth)
Nothing's ever impossible, into the future we all free fall
but forever we'll always have high school!

High School Musical, who says we have to let it go
It's the best part we've ever known, step into the future but hold on to
High School Musical, let's celebrate where we've come from

All together, makes it better
Memories that last forever
I want the rest of my life
to feel just like a, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!"

Okay, so, let's get something straight: I don't really miss my high school. I had a lot of fun, sure I can get nostalgic sometimes, but I know that high school belongs in my past. That's not what this song is talking about. To me, it's not literally about wanting to keep your mindset on high school forever or to never let go of it entirely, because...you have to at some point.

No, to me, this song reminded me of everything that I love about the High School Musical Trilogy.

I love the way it makes me feel. I love the message that comes across. The idea of how, when growing up, you are constantly at battle with stereotypes and the unknown of the future as well as all of the other things that can change your world forever when you're growing up. But High School Musical has always been about staying true to yourself. Not letting anyone define you or change you without your permission and most importantly that, when you want something you fight for it. When you love something and you're not sure how to fit it in your life, you make it work. It's not about making the right decision it's about making a good one.

And I realized that when it came to my writing I was letting myself get changed. I was looking at my work with such a critical eye that I was afraid to write things down. Nothing ever looked good enough and that's because it wasn't about being good enough for me, but for the rest of the world. I have wanted to be a published author since I was six years old. The past two years have really set in stone how HARD that is. How difficult the road is, and I got intimidated.

The reason why all of my other creative projects have been flourishing? It's because I did all of that out of love and pure uncompromising abandon. My writing hasn't been that way in a while and I need to get back to my basics. Because I still believe that this is what I'm meant to do. This is how I want to contribute and how I am going to contribute to this world.

And who cares if it's hard? Who cares if it's intimidating, I love writing. And I love my stories. Sure, there will always be people who will look at them and toss them aside, but what matters is what I think. If I love them, If I believe in them, then I should fight for them and be just as uncompromising.

"I want the rest of my life to feel just like my High School Musical"

Meaning? I want to spend the rest of my life feeling good about my work and knowing that it is good, it is centered, and it is me.

My dad is my hero.

I've talked about this before with richelle jean, my accountabili-buddy, that i think my dad and i are a lot closer than me and my mom.

and that's not to say that my mom and i don't get along, we just butt heads more than my dad and i do. And if I'm being honest, I've always been a bit of a Daddy's girl.


I tell my dad pretty much everything and in return he's very straightforward and honest with me...even when I seem to miss the point of it all.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this time to PTL for my dad.

Whenever I have a conversation with someone about God and trusting His timing, trusting that He's listening and that He'll never leave us, I always reference my dad because he strikes me as a shining example of a godly man who strives to be Christ-like.

A lot of teenagers and the youth come to me and will express their struggles with feeling like God isn't listening to them or how they pray and God just doesn't seem to come fast enough. But my response is always that God has His own timing and the reason why He would choose to delay anything He gives us is justly reasoned.

Maybe it isn't what we need.
Maybe it isn't what we need at the moment.
Maybe we need to ask in a better way (meaning without selfish intention).
Maybe what we're praying for just isn't good for us
Or maybe we need learn something first before we can be ready for it.

First and foremost God is a father. He is the perfect Father and, like any father, He knows us better and what we need better than we know ourselves.

I always reference my dad because it has happened a lot in the past with me. I've asked to go to a party or to hang out or for money or for anything really and it's never about my dad NOT wanting to give it to me or my dad NOT caring enough to give it to me. Honestly, my dad would give the world to me if he could, but...he knows what's right. He loves me to much that his priority isn't what I want, but what is safe, what is right, what is good for me.

And that's God is towards us. It's not about Him, not caring or not loving us enough. It's about Him loving us SO much that we need to just trust His judgement.

My dad has never steered me wrong. My dad has always looked out for my best interests and I am so blessed because I know there are many other dads out there who don't take their job very seriously.

But God blessed me with an amazing dad, and that just proves that I can trust Him as my Father.

So, I PTL for my Darling Daddy and I PTL for being such a Fantastic Father in giving him to me.

VBS 2010

So the time has finally come... for VBS.

and for those who have no inclination as to what that is, it stands for

Vacation Bible School

mMm. feels so good to be dedicating a whole week entirely to the Lord.
Granted, we should always be striving to dedicate ALL of our time to the Lord, but sometimes we let time slip away from us and it's moments like this, when you truly schedule your life around your relationship with God, that it puts everything else into perspective.

The past two days have been JAMPACKED full of activities. And when I finally can stop myself from nodding off, I'll be able to expand more, but let me just share with you my favorite song from this year's VBS.

You know, a lot of people didn't like it after they first heard it because it has some yodeling. But once you get through, you realize that it is actually a REALLY great song.
CHECK IT!

TUMBLEWEED:

Don't be a tumbleweed
Going anywhere the wind may lead
plant your self deep
in the B.I.B.L.E.

God's word can set you free
From being like that tumbleweed
If you just take the time to learn your ABC's

You've got to A admit to God that you're a sinner
And repent
And turn away from your sin

You've got to B Believe that Jesus is the Son of God
And accept His gift of forgiveness
You've got to C confess your faith in Jesus
As your savior and Lord
Forevermore

And you won't ever be like a tumbleweed

Don't be a dried up
Fried up
Petrified.
Just let the love of God change you inside.
He's got a plan for you,
I guarantee

And it all begins with the ABC's

i just need some clarity.

James 1:5-6
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Lately, my mind has been in shambles.

There are so many things that I've learned about myself within the last few weeks that I'm not sure where my head is at anymore. I've gotten inspired in a completely different way than what was expected and now it seems to have thrown all of my original plans onto the drawing board again. But is that wise? Is that safe?

the big question seems to be: Am I considering all of this for the right reasons? Or am I putting myself on a path that is more than a little rickety? More like, into the unknown?

I want to jump. But should I jump? And what are the repercussions that will follow if I do?

What are the repercussions that will follow if I don't?

Lord, I just want your guidance.
I want to do the right thing for the right reasons
And I want to trust that you'll take care of it all.

Please just, help me find You in all this.

the calm before the storm.

the next few weeks are going to be incredibly, horribly busy.

School is promising to be jam-packed with events and work and what not, so...I find it necessary to enjoy the time I have left to truly (truly, i say to you) capitalize on the moments of freedom.

And today was a good start.

I went to work this morning, no shocker there since it has been nearly two months since our new schedule has had me working 6 days a week. Worked from 6-11am then headed home to impatiently count down the minutes until Cassie's chamber audition interview while driving around looking for sour spray candy.

Smart & Final, the 99 cent store, and finally Blockbuster (where I rented a few goodies) then we were on our way.

It just so happened that all of the people I wanted to hang out with today had zero plans, so HOORAY for the ability to schedule some discipleship and accountability hang out time.

After Cassie's audition, which she killed btw, I dropped off Cassie for Choir practice, then picked up Kristine and Lidia before heading to our regular discipleship hang out: Hometown Buffet.

We ate WAY more than necessary and had a lot of great talks about how all three of us are awkward...but apparently I win the awkward award. (eh. not surprised)

Moving on: from there we picked up Melissa and trekked to P. Eddie's house for some quality Ormeo Family time, meeting up with the Reyei + mis hermanos. Getting down to business we unearthed the spoils of my trip to Blockbuster:

Ponyo
(Ghibli Studios' rendition of Little Mermaid)


And Valentine's Day
(one of my FAVORITE movies)

woot. loved it. And was reminded of the importance of fellowship. =D

I have thought about it alot over the past year. Thought about the type of ministry I feel God calling me to and my eyes have been opened to just how impactful a God centered relationship can be on all parties involved.

While I love music and LOVE my musicals, what I love more is the avenues that open up through them. The opportunities to become stronger together and to encourage others who are in need of it outweighs any amount of sheet music I could acquire. My only hope is to continue on doing the work and being a light for Christ to shine through.

Colossians 2:2-3
²My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

spinning into perspective

"i got into a car accident."

Saying it out loud feels shocking and so I can't really be surprised by the reactions I get when I say it, but still, I find it unfathomable.

but here the facts:

I was driving down the 57 south, on my way to go pick up Alanna and Eric and possibly EJ for Cassie and Garrett's Cabaret show. I had just merged from the 10 west and was about 1/2 mile away from Sunset Crossing when I realized the lady in my left lane was preparing to merge into me. I don't even think she saw me or saw the fact that she sandwiched me between her car and another, but she just kept going. She was going to hit me. And so my initial instinct was to pull away.

I swerved right and then realized there was another car there and then swerved left again in my lane only to find her still coming. So I broke (out of instinct) and then the car fishtailed.

I lost control of the wheel and just felt the car drift; turning within the lane to face the wrong way and it kept going.

I remember thinking, "Please just don't hit anything. Please just don't hit anything. Please everyone just get out of the way." And my overactive imagination was running 6 million miles a second picturing collisions and overturned cars etc. etc. Finally, it was over. When my head stopped spinning I found myself facing the Northbound 57 and cars coming up on my left.

A few cars went around me, but most stopped and waited while I got my bearings and pulled out. It was there at the side of the road that I began hyperventilating.

After that it was a blur of tears and conversations in broken English between me, my parents (who came to my rescue) and the Asian couple who's driver's door was smashed in. I was set to believe that it had all been my fault, that I must have hit them and would have to suffer the consequences of that, but...they said it wasn't me. They said it was someone else that hit them and drove off.

Honestly? I don't think I'll ever be sure.

It all happened so fast. All I do remember was that, I forgot to think about myself in the situation. Throughout the entire ordeal I just kept thinking, "Please everyone stop. Don't come any closer. It's not safe. It's not safe." I was afraid of someone not seeing me and crashing into me and getting hurt.

I never realized what could have happened to me until my dad pointed it out later. He said, "Aarika do you realize that the way your car was spinning you could have tipped over?"

Honestly? No. I didn't know that. I didn't think about it. But I dreamt about it that night. I dreamt about it and daydreamed about it and when I close my eyes I can still relive it.

When you look at it my car, you wouldn't think any of this happened to me. My jeep is beast that will not be killed. But it happened. And regardless of the nearly invisible outward injuries, I've still got a few internal ones. Cause I can't seem to forget them.

I still remember spinning and praying and not being able to breathe and telling everyone I was okay when I felt horrible inside. I still remember pushing everything aside and pretending I was fine and breaking down whenever anyone hugged me.

I still remember and I don't want to forget.

Because to forget it all would be to forget that God saved me. That God rescued me in my time of need and protected me. That, even after it, He reminded me of all the people in my life that care and worry about me. God reminded me of how He has blessed me with my family and church family and just a plethora of people who are willing and able to comfort me in times like this.

But God also showed me, that I'm not afraid of death or to die, because He's on the other side. Granted, that doesn't mean I WANT to die. But, at least I know that, if ever the time comes, I won't be fearful of it because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

And lastly, God showed me that I still have a lot of work to do. There are people here that I am meant to affect and work here that I meant to do for Him. And there are things that I want people to remember me by, so I better get to it.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."

Pslam 118:17

my heart. my art.

i dream in song and on the the page,
in different angles of light and stage.

when the curtain drops and the music fades in,
i picture how it all begins

and how it flows up to the end
becoming real and not pretend.

Lately, I've been dreaming of a myriad of dancers and singers, dressed in white. Five principal characters, three supporting, and one true God who is my Executive Producer + Director. I know I just wrapped up one show...but it's got to mean something if it only took two days to finish a script I haven't touched in over a year.

Right?

self-reminder:

1st Chroincles 22:19

"Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the LORD your God. Begin to build the sanctuary of the LORD God, so that you may bring the ark of the covenant of the LORD and the sacred articles belonging to God into the temple that will be built for the Name of the LORD."

Lord. I proclaim, in front of all who will listen, that my happiness lies in you and only you. And that my life is devoted to serving you.
Whether it be through music. through theater. through writing. or through bagels. I will devote it all to you with a happy and loving heart.

I see a generation

Friday night we sang the Hillsong United praise and worship song "Hosanna"and, though Ian has talked about being blessed by this before, I just reiterate that the stanzaa:

"I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith.

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees."

rings true for me. I see it. I see it.

I see it in EJ's leadership.

I see it in Kristine's hunger for the truth
In Lidia's joy and willingness to learn.

I see it in Eric and his music.
In Garrett and his compassion.

I see it in Derek and Aljay's comraderie
And Melissa and Kathleen's loyalty.

In the Hernandez sisters' generosity
And even Chelsea and her consistency.

Yes they all have struggles, they all have burdens, and they all have given me those moments when I feel like I want to shake them and pull my own hair out.

But I see it. I see God in them. And though they may have doubts and fears and issues of disbelief, God is never going to leave them, and if I can get anything across to them in the time that I have with them. It's that:

God will never leave you. And as long as He allows it, neither will I.

The past few weeks have been a struggle for the youth leaders. So much has changed in such a small amount of time that I can see the weariness and I've felt it too. =P

But Friday night, as we sang that song, God comforted me. Reminded me of how He is always working and proved it true with the youth's Surprise Appreciation Party.

To say I was surprised would be a complete and utter understatement. I was shocked and thrown off-guard. I was unsure of what to do other than thank them and praise God for his incomparable timing, because the timing was just a little too coincidental. Gotta love it though. Usually it's us that plan everything for the youth and surprise them randomly with cake and parties.

This time around it was all them and exceptionally successful.

[save for my epic fail as I hid in the other room during the big reveal. soooo not my fault that I thought it was a surprise party for alex..who's actual birthday is like...in june. hahahaha]

See: A cake and everything. You guys are such a blessing.

And I think this is the beginning of a revival. Why do I say that? Hah, well...why not? Why can't it happen right now?

The ball is in our court. So let's be decisive. What are we gonna do?

Resurrection Day

He is faithful.
I am not.

He is perfect.
I am not.

He is worthy.
I am not.

And,
He was punished.
I was not.

The first four books of the Gospel are four different accounts of Jesus and His unbelievable act of sacrifice. Four different views of Christ's love from four different people who had four different personalities. But, even though they are different, they all share one important story. Jesus Christ was perfect. He was a righteous and just man that followed the will of God because he loved God and He loved God enough to lay down His life for sinners like me and you. He was without flaw and yet He was punished in our place.

He took the fall for our sins and it is because of Him that we are SAVED.

thank you Lord for your sacrifice and for loving me enough to offer it.

been ready to snap for days...

Sometimes it feels like I'm slipping.
"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me."
Psalms 55:16

Letting God write my love story...

i am a lover of words.

From books to lyrics to scripts to quotes, I find that, despite there being times when it feels like there are no words, saying that "there are no words" is enough.

Those are the words.
And therein lies my absolute favorite paradox.
=D

Anyway, moving on. Despite my love for words, I will admit that at times I can utterly loath the sight of them. It's what happens when you live the life that I live since after most nights this is me:yeah. real attractive right? But what can I say? Even an English Major has trouble keeping up with reading. And yet...I still find solace and comfort in reading.

I want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by books even though, at the present time, I loathe them. Hah. Another paradox. But this is how I imagine my life to be:

With my own personal library
Stacks and stacks of books
And I do mean Books EVERYWHERE.
(these stairs are so awesome)
Even in my bedroom
And in my bed. (HAHA)
So, despite my overwhelming reading list, I still love reading something new.
And I suspect I will always be that way.
God is so good for the love and passion He has given to me.
And one day, God-willing, my dream of contributing my words
to the words of the greats
will be fulfilled through His mercy.
This is what I think God is telling me:
And who am I to question Him?

Currently reading:
The Bible
"Seek ye out the book of the Lord, and read." Isaiah 34:16

The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King
"Eccentricty had flowered into madness."

The Eye of Jade by Diane Wei Liang
"With new freedom and opportunities
came new crimes. There would be much that
she could do."

Fearless by Max Lucado
"Fear corrodes our confidence in God"

When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
"Being single is an opportunity to discover who God has made us to be and what He has called us to in this life"

Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom
"It is more comforting to think God listened and said no, then to think that nobody's out there"

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
"I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish."

Gotta love it.

To Be Fearless

Some people fear of being great, but I've always been afraid that I would never get there. And so when the prospect of being workshop(ed) in my Intro to Fiction class came up I knew that I wouldn't be able to breathe for weeks.

For the first time ever, I was going to be critiqued on my fiction. My fiction, which I have worked on for nearly fifteen years to perfect and still have trouble believing is good. Decent maybe. Sometimes good. But great? -_-x not so much.

(i wrote this a few years back for another creative writing class)

what holds me back?
arrogance,
yet also
a lack of self-worth.
To be unsure of your ability,
at something you know you are good at.
is a curse in itself.

it's true.

I am good.
But I'm not great.

there is also self-induced pressure
of what I must live up to,
what i must mirror,
in order to, at the very least,
honor my predecessors.

With my writing,
How can I compare to that of Poe?
or Faulkner, or Salinger?
How can I live up to such names and be everything I want to be?
Everything I'm expected to be?
I am good at what I do. Yes,
But I am not great.

And in music...
Music is breath, music is life,
But to do my family justice,
Music is so much more than that.
It is passion and music is work.
I may be considered good
But again, I am not great.

So can you see now, just how terrified I was?

I mean, what if I submitted my piece and the truth was it wasn't great and there was no chance of it ever being great? Or worse! What if I've been lying to myself for years and I'm not even decent?! GAH! What if all my letters came back with one note back saying in horrible editor red:

"You suck. Change Majors."

-_-x oh goodness. I think I would just drop dead right there.

Because as I've said before and I will continue to say forever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I have to believe that God gave me this passion and this gift to do something with it.

But. I should know better than to doubt God. I mean...didn't I just learn that from the book Kristine, Lidia, and I are going through? Fear corrodes confidence in God and that we have to remember God's resume when we start doubting if He's there.

I should know better and God smacked me in the face with it today, during my workshop.

God used my teacher, this published Author, someone who is pretty much living the dream right now, (or at least a part of it) to open his letter to me with this:

"The story has enormous potential, and is already quite impressive. You have real talent."

and ended his letter with this:

"This could be a fantastic story, Aarika. You definitely need to keep writing."

Grade? "A-"

Holy crap. I had to actually pinch myself when I read this. Like seriously? I could cry.

I have talent? *haha* I know I've been told that before but...like...I've always been told by friends and family. They are supposed to say stuff like that aren't they? That's what they do! But...this teacher, who I've only known for a few weeks and who probably won't remember me much when I move on tells me that I "need to keep writing". How can that not be a sign?

How can that NOT be the grace of God?

*sigh* Lord I praise you for your faithfullness to me. Even in the midst of my doubt and my fear which corrodes my confidence in your greatness, you continue to be great. And you continue to embrace me with the reality that in You, I can be great too.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Opportunity Comes A'Knockin'

I would be lying if I said I didn't have my reservations and fears about taking on more responsibility but...with the wrap up of the musical, I think this is God's way of giving me exactly what I was praying for. Relationships that were NOT rooted in obligation, but rather firm in concern and desire for accountability.

God continues to answer prayers.

But, goodness, it still baffles me when I think about how much time has passed. And I sometimes forget that I am no longer in a position to simply follow, but now must lead. Truthfully, following is always easier. Less stressful. But, when God calls, you answer, and when He tells you to lead, you lead.

Zechariah said this of his son John (the Baptist):

⁷⁶And you, my child,
will be called a prophet of the Most High;
for you will go on before the Lord
to prepare the way for him,
⁷⁷to give his people the knowledge of salvation
through the forgiveness of their sins,

We have been commissioned to reach out not just to those in nations across the globe, but to those who stand arms length away. In fact, when we reach out across the land, we're bound to touch upon those closest to us along the way right? This is just the beginning.

So despite my initial qualms about whether or not I was ready and if whether or not I was willing and able, I remembered that God has been calling me for a while and I have an opportunity to truly fulfill my mission statement, by serving those who I have a heart to serve, which allows me to serve the Lord.

This week I was reminded of this lesson:

¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ¹⁶keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

Some things never change. Like...there will always those people who are more than willing to tear you down. There will always be some kind of worldy drama that will cause you to backslide. There will always be temptations and hardships that make you struggle in your relationship with Christ. And I learned that through my own discipleship with Ate Niña.

But what else did I learn?

Another thing that never changes is that God loves us. His mercy and His compassion are constantly there and whenever we stray away, God doesn't. THAT NEVER CHANGES.

My prayer request for now? Is to remember what it means to be in this kind of relationship. That this isn't a social event. Coming together is not done for social reasons. We have been given this opportunity to keep each other focused on the cross and to be reminded that God must be bigger than everything else. ESPECIALLY each other.

John 3:30: He must become greater, I must become less.

Haha, I will say this. PTL for Kristine and Lidia, because I'm oober excited too.

My Faith Will Stay

¹Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,

²To the holy and faithful brothers in Christ at Colosse:
Grace and peace to you from God our Father.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

³We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, ⁴because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— ⁵the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel ⁶that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. ⁷You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, ⁸and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

⁹For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. ¹⁰And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^d]"> to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. ¹³For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

The Supremacy of Christ

¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of^f]"> your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Paul's Labor for the Church

²⁴Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. ²⁷To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

²⁸We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. ²⁹To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

In the recent events that have conspired, the first chapter of Colossians really spoke to me. In reading this chapter I thought about CFBC and how this chapter said everything that I have wanted to say to my church about what I think God is calling me to do and what He is teaching me. And how, though unconventional my acts of praise to Him are, they come from my heart and they are driven by my desire to continually remind everyone around me about God's grace and providence.

²⁴Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness—

Moving on to everything else...

[I plan to blog about the musical itself, but first and foremost I would like to talk about what God has taught me through it and just the reminders He has given to me]

There were many moments throughout the last few months where I questioned why I was doing what I was doing. Why had I chosen to put myself and those I around me, whom I loved, through all of the stress that comes with big, ambitious projects? But, in the aftermath, I think I have come out with a better understanding of what God wants from me.

ACTS OF FAITH was always a story about the Christian life. It presented the Gospel, but moreover it was about Christian living and how being a Christian does not make life easier. In fact, at times it is really hard to be Christian, especially in a world like today.

Even more, I think I wrote this musical for the youth of CFBC and the youth from other churches that I've encountered over the course of the past few years. I've seen so many falter and stray away from the path to the Cross. I've seen kids turn completely away and others who stand stagnant all because they are afraid to ask for help, they are afraid to be seen as Christians with dead faith, so...they keep quiet. Suffering (seemingly) alone so that they don't have to really deal with it. As long as no one else is aware, they can pretend that neither are they.

I know what that's like, feeling like you know the right answer, but not knowing why you can't apply it and afraid to ask for help because, then others might look at you and say, "aren't you Christian? shouldn't you know?" It feels shameful. As somebody who knows who God is, not being able to see Him makes you feel guilty and that begins the spiral down.

You want to breakdown, but you don't want to admit that God isn't the center, because you know He's supposed to be. You know He's supposed to be the driving force of your life and, when He isn't, what does that make you?

A liar?

A Hypocrite?

A fake?

A poser?

Yeah. I've felt that way too. That has always been one of my greatest fears, being called out as a fake. To have someone look at me and say, "You're a Christian? Yeah right. Quit fooling yourself 'cause you're not fooling me." Ouch. Talk about a nightmare.

Even God says in Psalms 26:4 "I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites"

But, God is so good to us. Even though we may find it hard to forgive ourselves, nothing is impossible or difficult for God. He forgives us even after we've turned away. And He continues to wait until we come back, because if we truly truly desire to be fulfilled by Him, He'll know that. He knows that.

You want proof?

The book of Jeremiah talks about the prophet Jeremiah and how he was striving to help the Jewish people repent their sins and turn back to God. He told them of the threats that were coming for their kingdom and how if they just look to the Lord He will save them, but they didn't want to. They shrugged him off and after a while Jeremiah became angry with the futility of if all. Finally God tells him to stop praying for His people and Jeremiah goes a little crazy, making His proclamations more pronounced and out there. He is taunted and picked on and eventually gets thrown in jail; even in a pit to be left for dead.

Now, I was reading through chapter 33, and I found this amazing: God had told Jeremiah to stop praying for the Jews and He shared with Jeremiah all that would happen when He hides His face from them. The destruction will be horrible and so great, but...He says that He will heal them. He says:

⁶ " 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. ⁷ I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. ⁸ I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. ⁹
Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'
Jeremiah 33:6-9

Don't you see? The greatest gift of God is His never-failing love and His faithfulness to us. One of my favorite lines in the entire musical is one of Amy Phu's lines where she says, "God is faithful to those are faithful." And that's so true. Even when we fail Him, even when we falter and stumble, He sees us and He promises to heal us.

And we may feel guilty over our shortcomings but guilt does not discount us from God. Guilt and conviction remind us that we need Him and even when we don't feel worthy the point isn't about what we feel, it's about who God is.

Going back to Colossians 1:

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Okay, so here's my story:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.

So, I'm going to be honest here.

I was born into a Christian home, into a Christian family and into a Christian life. And because of that, I assumed that I was born Christian.

For years I listened to my parents tell me over and over again how Jesus loved me and how He died for my sins and that if I just ask Jesus to come into my heart then everything would be okay.

I went to church every Sunday, attended Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, I even went to a Christian school and thought that I was set for life, because there was no way I couldn't be Christian. I was doing everything right.

But as I got older I started becoming labeled the "Christian" girl and because it was said negatively to me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people having expectations for me and I, especially, didn't like falling into them. So I started acting out.

By sixth grade I was, probably, the biggest potty-mouth ever. I cussed at everyone. I thought it made me cool. And the best thing about it was that I knew Jesus had forgiven me already so there was no harm in it. As long as I asked for forgiveness every night, I would be okay. Jesus knows I'm a sinner, so He knows I'm always gonna sin, and I knew that He was always going to forgive me because He knew my heart. I didn't really mean anything I said, I just...didn't want to be made fun of. He could understand that. Or, that's what I thought.

And that's where it all started. Me, twisting the doctrines I had learned to justify my sins.

By Junior High, I wasn't getting any better. I had fallen into this cliche idea of wanting to grow up really fast. I wanted it all. I wanted cool friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. And in process of that I let myself down.

I started acting up in school, my grades slipped, boys got the wrong idea about me and even worse my friends did too. I was the butt of the jokes. I knew people would say things about me, things that I didn't want them to say, but I brushed it off. I laughed it off as if I didn't care because I thought that if I pretended long enough, it would be true

But it never was. It always hurt. And because I didn't know what else to do, I tried harder to win the approval of my peers.

I let that become the center of my life. I pushed God aside because I reasoned that He was always gonna be there. He's God and He's everywhere. But my friends? I needed them. I couldn't survive high school without them. So I compromised everything for them.

At the time, I wouldn't have admitted it. I would have simply said, "My friends are important to me because I love them and I would do anything for them."

I was really really deluded.

When I would go home and think about my life, I knew something was missing. I would sit with my family around the dinner table and pray for God to bless the food or talk to my cousins on the phone, listening to them go on and on about their church activities and their youth groups and their small groups and I would feel so jealous because everyone else seemed to be so close to God but I couldn't feel Him anymore. Even worse, I felt like I was so far gone that there was no way God would still want to love me. I couldn't even get my friends to really care about me, not the way I wanted them to. So why would He?

I used to tell myself that God wouldn't want to be around a person like me. God wouldn't want to be there for the person that I'd become. Someone who was shallow and self-conscious and weak. I couldn't be strong for Him, so why would He waste time?

It wasn't until the summer before I reached high school that things started to change. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't instantaneous, it didn't hit me like a freight truck, and I didn't become a true believer over night. It was a slow process that started with these facts

I wasn't happy and I was scared.

That summer I had strangely been involved with my youth group. I think there was a slight buzz about being in high school and getting to actually be a part of it all, so it was exciting. But strange none the less. The beach trip and Revolution Camp had showed me what it would be like to have Christian friends and be around people who would keep you accountable. Being in that environment opened my eyes to what I had become.

I was a miserable and lost teenager who knew all the right answers, but was too afraid to use them. I knew who to ask for help and I knew they would help me, but I couldn't break my pride enough to get it done. I couldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, after years of pushing God away, was facing Him. Why? Because I was afraid of what I would see in myself through His eyes. I was afraid of facing the disappointment and the hurt. I was afraid to go home to my Father because I was convinced that He wouldn't want me back.

And it took a really long time until I trusted myself again with God and until I was strong enough to make that 180. I turned slowly degree by degree and...that's the way it had to be. I had a lot of baggage to drop along the way, had a lot of bad habits to kick as well as unhealthy relationships to cut off.

But it had to be done, and moreover, I slowly began to see God in my life. It was as if I had dropped my glasses and everything was blurry. I could only see shapes and silhouettes, but I could hear His voice, and I followed it, seeing Him become clearer and clearer as I approached.

I think it was truly my second church camp, the summer before Senior year, that God put my glasses back on.

It was that night before I left that I asked God to help me. To use the opportunity being given, as He had used the last one, to finally change me.

And He did.

I don't know if it was the music or the message or the fellowship, but I got slapped in the face with reality. The reality that God is real. And I felt so alive. More alive than I had ever felt before and,

I didn't want to go back to the person I was.
I wanted to cling to the God that He is.

And I strive every day to do just that. That's not say that I don't struggle. I fail miserably some times...but it's different now. All of those times that I failed and felt too guilty to come God; all those times that I just knew I was too unworthy to face Him. I now know that I was focusing on all the wrong things.

I failed? I was too unworthy?

newsflash: it's not about me
It's about Who He is and always will be.

In retrospect what I have learned?

I have learned that God is a loving God that finds me beautiful when I can't.
I have learned that I cannot make judgements for God on myself or anyone else.
I have learned that the first step, in any problem, is to always to give Him control
and I have learned that building a relationship with Him takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen in an instant. Like any other relationship you work at it day by day, minute by minute. And it's hard. It's really really hard. especially because sometimes it may seem too hard.

But, the great thing, is that:

He is totally and committed to you. So don't afraid to be totally committed to Him.

So...once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.
Today: she finally is.

²² Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22