Truthfully, I write something new every day, but I never can find the time or the patience to deal with my internet which seems to hate both blogger & tumblr with such a passion that it's easier to just say that "I'll do it later."
But as I find myself with less than 50 days left here in Maydolong, I feel as though I should say something, if only to put into perspective the 310 days I have had and that have completely shaped my year.
February 9, 2013 11:53am
Today, there seems to be a peace
settling. Like this sort of acceptance of how things are and how they are most
likely going to be. It’s hard to let go of some things and some people, but
this isn’t goodbye, more like, “see you later.”
“See you again soon.”
I don’t know what happened. It
wasn’t like it was immediate or even with some kind of epiphany it’s just how I
woke up today. Like it was fresh and new. This week has given way to a lot of
new things. New perspectives on the relationships I’ve build over the course of
the last few months and I am just really thankful for how far we’ve come.
How far I’ve come.
There are days when it’s hard to
feel as if I’ve accomplished anything. Days when I get stuck in this depression
of all the things I haven’t done or didn’t do. But, today it is as if all the
what-if’s and why didn’t I’s just don’t matter, because there are just some
things that I can’t do anything about. Some things that just didn’t happen for
me and…that was for a reason. They weren’t planned for me. So, why question it?
At the end of my time here I get to go home a changed person. Dad was right.
There are things that I’ve taken away from this year that will always be with
me; people who I will always think of and always want to come back to. Maybe
the Philippines will never be my home. Maybe California will never be either.
But my family here, just as my family back in the States…they will always be
home to me.
The embrace of their arms, the
warmth of their love. That will be with me wherever I go. And who am I to
refute that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Me now to Me then:
Dear Aarika,
Dear Aarika,
Right now, I know, you are feeling out of sorts. You feel like you're floating, suspended in a kind of limbo state; managing on auto-pilot, and that scares you half to death because you can't seem to snap out of it. But, let me just explain it to you: you're afraid. You're scared out of your mind about this jump you're about to make, only God has made your heart so calm that your brain just doesn't know how to process it. You're scared, but you're not panicking, and it confuses you because to be afraid, in your terms, is to be panicking. It's how you've hard-wired yourself.
But this is a good thing. This is God's way of telling you, "Aarika, the decision you made is the right one. The decision you made is the one I planned for you," and so the only thing I really can advise you to be is free-flowing. Follow God's lead and I promise He will lead you to exactly where You need to be.
Being on the precipice of change is never easy, but you know, better than anyone, how the things worthwhile in this world are never easy; they are worth fighting for. So, take my word for it when I say that this is worth it. You are about to get everything you have been praying for: clarity, rest, perspective, direction, and most importantly the ability to submit to God's control. You have been praying desperately for these things for the better part of two years and God is finishing the foundation for you to get them.
This next year is going to teach you about independence and love and family. It's going to test everything you've ever thought about yourself and make you question the way that you've esteemed yourself up until this point. You will find a confidence that you've never had, as well as insecurities you never knew you had. You will become a different person, you will become a more "realized" person and you will start to lost the confusion you've always had gain clues as to who God is shaping you to be. Now, don't get too comfortable though. You will go through heartache, you will face challenges you have never faced before. You will see the ugliness in yourself at times and also struggle to see the beauty that God has created. But eventually you will start to make sense of the mess you are and begin to organize yourself and your priorities. And eventually, you will come out so much stronger and with so much gratitude toward God for those experiences.
Moreover, God is going to give you more people to love and cherish. He's going to give you more people to love and cherish you. He is going to have you build relationships that you will want to last a lifetime and will cling to more than others in the past, because for you this won't be like high school where you were more jaded and nonchalant about friendships sticking. These relationships will be worth keeping in your mind, because they aren't just friends, they will become family to you.
College was never one of those experiences where you gained buddies for life and you used to envy that from others like Dad, Mom, Kata, Peniel, etc. You wanted that, to have that kind of support system where it was as if you had crawled through the trenches together. But, you didn't get that from high school or college. Somehow, you wanted people who counted for something. You wanted people who were important because God revealed their importance to you, not just because you shared an English class. So, be ready because I believe God will you give you that here, in Maydolong. He will expand your circle, He is going to give you buddies for life here and your relationships with them won't feel like all your relationships in high school or college. They will be rooted in something much deeper, rooted in an experience where you battled the elements together. Took on things that you will never take on with anyone else. Be ready. And be excited.
Lastly, your writing is going to open up. You have been feeling so stagnant lately, as if nothing you write is worthwhile anymore. You've been feeling like you have no perspective to give, like you have nothing new to write. Well, guess what? You're gonna get it. You're going to see a culture that will crash into you like the massive waves of the ocean during a storm. And sometimes you'll drown under everything you will be feeling and seeing and comprehending. But when waves start to calm you will be so full of to the brim with inspiration that sometimes you can't help but venture off into your own mind. It will seem like a jumbled mess. You're not going to magically write in chronological order, but you will be writing and you will be seeing yourself for the first time in years.
This will be one of the best decisions you have ever made in your life and I am so happy for you. Keep Calm and Carry On. =]
Sincerely,
You, one year later.
College was never one of those experiences where you gained buddies for life and you used to envy that from others like Dad, Mom, Kata, Peniel, etc. You wanted that, to have that kind of support system where it was as if you had crawled through the trenches together. But, you didn't get that from high school or college. Somehow, you wanted people who counted for something. You wanted people who were important because God revealed their importance to you, not just because you shared an English class. So, be ready because I believe God will you give you that here, in Maydolong. He will expand your circle, He is going to give you buddies for life here and your relationships with them won't feel like all your relationships in high school or college. They will be rooted in something much deeper, rooted in an experience where you battled the elements together. Took on things that you will never take on with anyone else. Be ready. And be excited.
Lastly, your writing is going to open up. You have been feeling so stagnant lately, as if nothing you write is worthwhile anymore. You've been feeling like you have no perspective to give, like you have nothing new to write. Well, guess what? You're gonna get it. You're going to see a culture that will crash into you like the massive waves of the ocean during a storm. And sometimes you'll drown under everything you will be feeling and seeing and comprehending. But when waves start to calm you will be so full of to the brim with inspiration that sometimes you can't help but venture off into your own mind. It will seem like a jumbled mess. You're not going to magically write in chronological order, but you will be writing and you will be seeing yourself for the first time in years.
This will be one of the best decisions you have ever made in your life and I am so happy for you. Keep Calm and Carry On. =]
Sincerely,
You, one year later.
