This year I get two birthdays. =]

When I turned 20, God gave contentment and confidence in the wake of my second year of college. I was at the beginning of a new ministry endeavor and feeling invincible with God on my side.

At 21 I was in Vegas, awkwardly maneuvering through my first round of drinks and blushing my way through ordering them. (Who comes up with some of these vulgar names huh?) But at the same time God also gave me perspective on what it means to be an adult and the responsibility of conduct that comes with it.

 

This time last year, at 22, I watched two of my dearest friends join together in holy matrimony. God gave me their example of a Christ-centered love and reminded me of what it is I'm praying for: the love of a husband who loves Christ more than he loves me.

This year, at 23, I'm in the Philippines, in my last stretch of my year abroad, contemplating  where to go after this and completely in awe of the gifts God has given year-round.

But at this moment, I know that God has truly given me rest in Him, which is something I have been sorely lacking in the last 22 years of my life. God has given me rest and serenity in His presence. He has also given me new ambition and a passionate love for the new and old people in my life. These are things that stagger me and I just can't believe the omnipotence of the Lord, sometimes.

The truth is I never really pictured myself reaching 23.

I think I've said this before, but I always thought the rapture would have happened by now and I would forever live in heaven at the ripe age of 16 or 17. Just imagine my surprise when on my 18th birthday I woke up and was still on Earth! Haha!

But, I'm 23. Six years older than I thought I would be in heaven and, now that I've reached this point, I can't help but praise God for His omniscience.

He apparently has a lot of plans for me before I go home to be with Him.

For instance, He planned for me to:

- Graduate college

- Leave home

- Live abroad

- Meet people who would change my life.

- Be changed  by a country and a people and a lifestyle that has always been a part of me.

- love Him more because of it.

And I can't wait to find out what else He's got planned.

"Happy Birthday"

I've had my share of parties,

party dresses, party hats,

party favors, party themes,

I've really had all that.

I've had potluck lunches,

Pizza outings, movie dates,

Even a trip to Vegas

With free drinks and buffet plates

I've had dinner with my girlfriends

and with guy friends alike,

I've had all you can eat sushi

as a tradition on my birth night

But more than that I've had instances

of God's unwavering grace,

His love that has always showered me

And helped me face all that I've faced.

This year was very different,

More tame, if anything.

I'm here without my parents

and my brother and sister to sing.

There is no five part harmony

to the birthday song for me

No church family mooching food,

or youth to remind me I'm 23

But I am continually blessed

by the differences here,

The new faces and new friendships

I've made throughout the year.

I may not be home right now

To celebrate my birth,

But "home" has evolved to encompass more

Than where my house is on Google Earth

God, you have been so good to me,

The present of this year

Has been more than I could have ever hoped.

Thank you for bringing me here.

cause sometimes, tumblr just doesn't "blog" right.

I find myself weary.

Exhausted by the racing of my mind
to the point where I have begun to veer in different directions.

Have I taken on too much?
Perhaps loaded myself more than I should have?
Well, I should think not,
only because there is very little difference
in my load from them and my load now.

Maybe it's all simply catching up to me?
That, at this moment in time,
I have become too tired to carry on
and my speed has reduced.

Reduced enough to leave me at the mercy
Of my failings?

Strange that it happen now,
In the days where I need to be at my best.
It's the final--push--
the final countdown--
the final lap...

But perhaps there is a reason for that.
Perhaps it is time to become even more serious.
There is no going back from here
therefore I've got to decide how I want to finish.

Strong.
Fighting.
With everything I've got.

Or slow.
Steady.
And nonchalant.

Hm. Doesn't seem like a hard decision...
until you're faced with the crossroad
and the easier way seems to be a road that moves for you.

my pages and i

when i was three years old,
my father taught me how to read
and a whole world came to life.

As the years went on
i found that it wasn't just one whole world
but a gateway to millions.
Like the wood in The Magician's Nephew

and it has only grown
as more and more worlds have been discovered.

a few more favorable than others.

which taught me
a lot of things.
About happy endings. sad endings.
new beginnings.
old beginnings.

and it made me odd.
made me weird.

but most of all, it made me realize
that i could create worlds of my own.

and hopefully teach my kids to do the same.
start 'em young.

but anyway, that's beside the point.
Right now, I just PTL for all the things that brought me to this crossroads.
'Tis the most enjoyable one I've ever come to.
And the best thing is, I don't just have to choose one.

=]

the first of my thoughts: a writing exercise...

i have five minutes to post this and successfully illustrate what goes on in my writer's mind.

to the summer heat
that's fading between hours of day and dusk
i say: "i'll miss you"
especially in those lazy afternoons
when there is no blanket to warm my resting place.

to the cool breeze
that is visiting more frequently
but not frequently enough,
i say:
"Stay a while a friend,
i need you around more than you think."

to the promises i made
before i knew what could stop me from keeping them
i say:
"I'm sorry. I wasn't as faithful as I should have been."

and to the adventures i found,
the spontaneous and trivial victories,
that made this season memorable
i say:
"It was nice to meet you. Thanks for all the pictures,
even if not all of them were able to be taken."

to the dwindling season of summer lovin'
i say:
"so long and thanks...it was nice knowing you."

end.

a little poetry on the side.

That Could Have Been Us

[What I've learned from Manila]

I saw a boy today,

who had no shoes.

The rain had begun to fall

and the mud began to rise up.

He walked through the streets--

with a metal rod as his scepter,

A broken piece from one of the broken buildings

That he claimed as his home.

He wore no shirt,
no shoes,

shorts that frayed at the seams,

and a smile, bigger and more genuine

than anyone would suspect.

The truth?

Most would have lost their smile long ago,

if they were forced to wade

through the circumstances of his.

But,

He knows of nothing else

than the life of which he leads.

In the squalor and the slums

Of a city where it's too hot,

too old,

and often times
too dangerous to tread alone.

He's never been to a place--

where the furniture is clean,

where it is warm and inviting,

sheltered from the rain.

He knows that such pleasures exist,

but exist in his world?

It's only a dream.

A dream that is my reality

While his reality would be my nightmare.

He wouldn't look at me and my life,

And muse that I could have been him

In another place,

another time,

If God had decided to write a different plan...

But as I looked at him,

Offering out his hand for spare change--

and leaping for joy at the 30 pesos
we pressed into his palm

I know, given the place,

given the time

given if God had written a different plan

He could have very well...

been me.

Maligayang Pagbabalik

"Welcome Back"

A poem of my trip so far.

I've landed in the motherland.
The land of my mother,
of my father,
of my family,
and of all that makes up me.

This is where I come from.
Where it is my life started.
Not, technically, in the womb
Or in the mind of my parents
But in the plan of God.

He made it so,
Here.
In this place.

This place where my grandfather was saved.
Where he met my grandmother.
Where they created this life together.
And built a family AND a church.

Here,
where my mother was born first,
and my father, five years later,
on a completely separate island.

Here,
that offered a life
an education
and then a realization
of a life elsewhere.

Which then brought them there.
To my home across the sea,
and into the life
that I just stepped away from.

So now,
Since I've landed in the motherland.
She has welcomed me back.

Alright. I will just come out and say it. It feels good to be back. It's an odd feeling being five years older and wiser than my last visit. And it's even stranger being here without my mom. But I'm not without family and I'm not without faith that God is going to use this trip to bless me in amazing ways. =D

first cool and fun fact/blessing? Being in the Philippines means that I get to use
"Google Pilipinas"



It's actually pretty cool. Helps me practice my Tagalog when I'm on the internet. XD
More to come! Keep an eye out and keep on praying!

wow. there's a lot of oxygen...

Okay. It's been a while, but, I've finally made some time.

It has officially been a week since school let out and the first few days were spent cleaning and ridding myself of all of the things I was holding onto throughout the year. Clothes, textbooks, test papers, study guides. All of it had culminated over the course of nine months, but now, I am happy to report, that everything is either in the garbage or in a Balikbayan box postmarked for the Philippines.

It took three full days to sift through everything, but, as my sister said, "[My] closet doesn't look like Narnia's in there anymore." ;P

It was strange finding and coming across different bits of the year and even finding different bits of years LONG past. It was therapeutic and cleansing and strangely satisfying.

Like looking back for the first time after a run and seeing just how far you'd made it. Or checking your watch after a really hectic flood of customers and realizing that your shift is almost over.

It was gratifying.

But now that my cleaning is done...I find myself in a strange place.

Suddenly, after months and months of a jam-packed busyness, I find myself with a LOT of spare time on my hands.

Now, with the quarter over I am no longer required to rush from work to school to church then back home to sleep it all off until having to do it again the next day.

[that was me]

In fact! I'm not really required to do anything....

And so a lot of my time has been spent staring at that ceiling or at the wall just in awe. This whole year, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. There were weeks when I just felt so tired and so misunderstood that I didn't think my body would be able to handle it.

But God sustained me and He continues to do so.

The only trouble is, trying to figure out what to do with myself. With all of this free time, what do I need to do? For myself? This whole year has been dedicated to school and to church and to work. I've been running around thinking and contemplating what can I do for everyone else. But, I was always hard pressed to put myself in to consideration. I guess I always reasoned that there would be enough time for me later.

But, later has come apparently.

With the cleaning done I'm freed up. Sure there is family and friends to visit, people to meet up with and the weekly hangouts that come about during the week. But, for instance, moments like right now, when I'm all alone in the house and NOT too tired to function, I'm jittery. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not and it's odd.

And yet, God is slowly helping me understand that this our time. His and mine to be together. To do things together. Things that I've been wanting to do.

My Father wants to hang out with me.

And that is so exciting.

This summer, no matter where I am. I just want to be able to enjoy things with Him and be reminded of the things that He has given to me to enjoy. I've realized lately that that's what He's been doing. [I have been such a sucker lately for subtle beauties in the world]

like a girl putting her trust in a trustworthy guy.

Like, the stories I grew up with.
The ones that remind me of what love is and that it was created by a Loving God.
[yes. even Harry Potter, which talks about the sacrifices for love]

Like the genius of paper flowers. [which I am mastering]

And the awesomeness of cupcake decorating [which i want to learn how to do]
That proves anything has the potential to be beautiful, if given the chance.

like the words of one of my favorite poets.
[Who I wrote my final paper on]
and reminded me that, contrary to what this world says:
Love does not have to be outlandish and extroverted.
Love can an expression that is intimate and subtle.

I just want to be in love with God again.

You know, in Bible study we've been talking a lot about the book of John and the miracles Jesus did. And, moreover, how He gave it all to God. How He didn't want glory for Himself but for the Father and I want to be like that. I want to make God important again. More important than anything else in this world and pull myself away from the crowds like Jesus did. Pull myself away and to a secluded place for just me and My Dad.

Well Gandhi....I'm working on it. =P

my heart. my art.

i dream in song and on the the page,
in different angles of light and stage.

when the curtain drops and the music fades in,
i picture how it all begins

and how it flows up to the end
becoming real and not pretend.

Lately, I've been dreaming of a myriad of dancers and singers, dressed in white. Five principal characters, three supporting, and one true God who is my Executive Producer + Director. I know I just wrapped up one show...but it's got to mean something if it only took two days to finish a script I haven't touched in over a year.

Right?

different times. different people. Same God.

the years have stretched us apart
and left a mark in between.

we rub in the aloe
to try and erase it,
but it's not leaving fast enough.
And even if it goes away,
it'll never truly fade.

So we are stuck
with the faint reminder
Of our connection
As well as the reailty
that we are no longer connected.

And yet in the grand scheme of things
We forget to notice that,
when taking in the picture,
When seeing ourselves in the mirror,
The entirety envelopes the minute details.

Therefore, we can take solace in the fact
That though wrinkles and stretch marks may litter our body,
And the imperfections numerous when counted out,

We are still good.
Healthy.
And Loved.

Amen.

Resurrection Day

He is faithful.
I am not.

He is perfect.
I am not.

He is worthy.
I am not.

And,
He was punished.
I was not.

The first four books of the Gospel are four different accounts of Jesus and His unbelievable act of sacrifice. Four different views of Christ's love from four different people who had four different personalities. But, even though they are different, they all share one important story. Jesus Christ was perfect. He was a righteous and just man that followed the will of God because he loved God and He loved God enough to lay down His life for sinners like me and you. He was without flaw and yet He was punished in our place.

He took the fall for our sins and it is because of Him that we are SAVED.

thank you Lord for your sacrifice and for loving me enough to offer it.

starlit nights.

[.poetry.corner.]

i curled up by the fireside
with cookies set out for old St. Nick
i was waiting to ask him for a sleigh ride
watching the clock as it continued to tick

slowly but surely i closed my eyes
fighting to stay along
but instead drifting off to the smooth lullabies
of famous crooners and their seasonal songs.

you would think that my mind so full of gumdrops
Of snowflakes and jingle bells
would expound in imagination unable to be stopped
but my heart had other things to tell

you see, i dreamed of a village that was rural and quaint
sheep grazing along the outskirts of town
and a beautiful star that, without any restraint,
Sparkled like the jewel of a crown.

a few lowly shepherds sat dozing where they laid
when suddenly a flash of beauty came to stand
And an angel cried out to "not be afraid"
That He had brought good news for all of man.

"There is child born in the city tonight
A Savior wrapped in humble cloth,
And He is the Messiah, The Lord Jesus Christ,
Born to Mary and lying in a trough."

Then a multitude of Angels came to be
Singing "Glory to God in the Highest"
Their music so pure and their praises to He
Who brings "on earth peace to whom his favor will rest."

And I followed the shepherds as they walked through the street
Following the light of the glowing star
Each excited and wanting to so badly meet
This Savior who wasn't very far.

And there in a stable with the livestock and hay
Lay a baby basked in starlight
I found myself speechless, not knowing what to say
Only feeling the tears I could not fight.

It was then that I woke up to a rising Christmas sun,
The cookies and milk were still there,
But my mind was on my dream and God's only Son
And how I wanted everyone to be aware

Of how Santa and elves and reindeer and a sleigh
Are all make believe and actually pale
In comparison to the child born in a stable that day
This child who in his life never failed--

To love me and live for me, who was born for my sake
And the sake of this world that's in strife
This child who was born to be the Lord God on Earth
This baby that came and SAVED my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can spend my whole life buying and wrapping presents for other people hoping to convey how much they mean to me, but it will never compare to the present God gave to us and the message that present brought with it. The message of unequivocal love that God has for us, the love that He conveys through the life and death of His son Jesus Christ.

-aarika

In Search of Thanks

Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above

God Fufillis His Promises...

Through those who are faithful and willing to follow.

I stood, seemingly alone, on a hilltop,
Looking over the expanse of land set before me,
a world waiting to be seen--
to be mapped out.

And it all looked so BIG,
so endless--
so vast.

Vast enough to swallow me whole if I wasn't careful

And yet it couldn't.
It wouldn't.
Why?
Because you are there.

You are constantly there
And how can I fear the possibilities...
When I have you leading the way?

Summer of '09

Matthew 5:16
"In this way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

The world had changed.
My world had changed.
And suddenly...
there was a silence that overtook the crowd,
meaning my time had come to speak.

At the beginning of season
I was struck;
With the realization that I had been commissioned.
And this is what I felt:

Something had shifted.
Perhaps the winds of time?
The maturity level of reason and rhyme?
The title of "Ate" that was suddenly mine?
The desire to ensure no one was left behind.

Something had shifted.
Definitely not the same.
But I knew
What to do
And who would see me through,
If only I stuck to it
He would be true.

the money.
the time.
the commitment.
the means.
came together
worked together
for the glory of God.

I wanted to pass down the desire that was given to me
The desire to see
How importantly,
The fellowship of women
could set young girls free.

We have a responsibility--
To those who will ultimately carry on after us.
Why?
Because how will they do it
If we don't show them now?

The world will changed.
My world will changed.
And soon enough,
the time will come for someone else to take my place.

first smore...

the other night...for the first time ever.
I had a smore.

My friends around me,
All far more experienced with the idea of these delicious morsels,
told me I was missing out.
So I had one.

And it was delicious.

But then someone asked me, "Didn't it change your life?"
And I had to think, if it really changed anything.

I'm not going to lie. It was really satisfying.
It was nice and warm.
Comforting even.

And all of the poptart smores I had ever had paled terribly in comparison.
But did it change my life?
Was I suddenly more whole than I was before?
All because of a perfectly toasted marshmallow, a piece of chocolate and a couple graham crackers?

They said I was.
My friends had told me prior to the consumption of my first smore that I had not lived yet.
But is that the truth?
Was my life truly a vast hole of nothingness because I had never had a smore before?

I don't think so.
I'd like to think that I have a greater source of sustenance than a silly smore.

But it was good.
It was darn delicious.
And...I kinda want another one.

But was it really that good?
Was it really so good that my whole life was changed?
Can I live without it now that I've tried it?

I guess that's the question now.

pray that I figure out...
because deciding that an inconsequential temporarily satisfying piece of sweetness is life changing....
doesn't necessarily mean it's life changing for the better.
In fact...it could just to an addiction of temporary satisfaction...
And that could only lead to trouble...and a life full of searching to fill a void that I've created.

sometimes...ignorance truly is bliss.

ps. there is so much more to life than smores.

poetry moment:

Open your eyes.


Take this sword that is being offered to you--
And fight.
Fight for the life--
For which His was sacrificed.

And change.

From the inside out
Because that’s what it’s about
To live for something more--
And settle the score
To achieve a victory greater
Than what this world has in store.

poetry corner.

It's easy to rhyme.

You see, any idiot can take june and moon
While describing in detail the flowers that bloom
And even part ways with, "I'll see you soon,"
Maybe end with a line about hearts in tune.

But in all honesty

it doesn't do much

when you're able to rhyme but not able to touch

the soul of a person who's looking for truth

for answers; for clarity; or for poetry "in sooth"

so you see it's fairly to sit down and rhyme

to dictate a few words and take down a line

it's as easy as convincing the world you are fine

But sadly the truth is--

There's no progression over time.

The Art of Rambling

BOOM.

Here it goes -->
the release that's sought with no other thought
than the intent to get more out of what you bought.

But woah.
woah.
Man before we go--
And I give you your mission, I need you to know.

That when I say what I say is so,
Doesn't necessarily mean you HAVE to go with the flow.

That's right.
I'm not lying.
If you want, get out at this stop
I'm sure you can find something else in a different shop

Or stay on if you might possibly care
to find out where
I'm hiding my hidden lair.
And when you get there please,
Enter if you dare.

But enough of this delay,
Heading straight on and right along
Hope you know there's no going back once we've started the song.

And just know that choice certainly wasn't wrong
But you're entering a new domain so you better be strong.

Now here: This is the mission I give to you
Make the point that 3 is 1 and that 3 is not 2
But also make sure that purple turns into blue
And know man is never the first to say "I love you."

And that's not all. No sir. No it's only just begun:
Tell me, what do you know of the risen Sun?
Did you know that though he sets at the end of the day
He rises again, to light the way.

Oh wait. I apologize for the silly typo.
What came out as a "u" I meant as an "o".

And How do you feel now that that is the case?
Do you want to continue on running this race?
Or is that too religious for you to care?
Well look back at what's been said:
Because the intent has been there.

The final question left to ask of you:
Do you understand what it was I was trying to do?

poetry corner:

i'm filled to the brim with thoughts of you.
you're like a song i can't get off my mind,
or a memory that i relive each day.
when i close my eyes to sleep,
you're all i see--
And that frightens me.
I don't want to need to you so much,
but i can't stop myself from feeling such things.
If it had been that easy, i never would have started.
You must be tired from running through my mind all day.
rest. please. for both our sakes.
give me a break.