To Be Fearless

Some people fear of being great, but I've always been afraid that I would never get there. And so when the prospect of being workshop(ed) in my Intro to Fiction class came up I knew that I wouldn't be able to breathe for weeks.

For the first time ever, I was going to be critiqued on my fiction. My fiction, which I have worked on for nearly fifteen years to perfect and still have trouble believing is good. Decent maybe. Sometimes good. But great? -_-x not so much.

(i wrote this a few years back for another creative writing class)

what holds me back?
arrogance,
yet also
a lack of self-worth.
To be unsure of your ability,
at something you know you are good at.
is a curse in itself.

it's true.

I am good.
But I'm not great.

there is also self-induced pressure
of what I must live up to,
what i must mirror,
in order to, at the very least,
honor my predecessors.

With my writing,
How can I compare to that of Poe?
or Faulkner, or Salinger?
How can I live up to such names and be everything I want to be?
Everything I'm expected to be?
I am good at what I do. Yes,
But I am not great.

And in music...
Music is breath, music is life,
But to do my family justice,
Music is so much more than that.
It is passion and music is work.
I may be considered good
But again, I am not great.

So can you see now, just how terrified I was?

I mean, what if I submitted my piece and the truth was it wasn't great and there was no chance of it ever being great? Or worse! What if I've been lying to myself for years and I'm not even decent?! GAH! What if all my letters came back with one note back saying in horrible editor red:

"You suck. Change Majors."

-_-x oh goodness. I think I would just drop dead right there.

Because as I've said before and I will continue to say forever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I have to believe that God gave me this passion and this gift to do something with it.

But. I should know better than to doubt God. I mean...didn't I just learn that from the book Kristine, Lidia, and I are going through? Fear corrodes confidence in God and that we have to remember God's resume when we start doubting if He's there.

I should know better and God smacked me in the face with it today, during my workshop.

God used my teacher, this published Author, someone who is pretty much living the dream right now, (or at least a part of it) to open his letter to me with this:

"The story has enormous potential, and is already quite impressive. You have real talent."

and ended his letter with this:

"This could be a fantastic story, Aarika. You definitely need to keep writing."

Grade? "A-"

Holy crap. I had to actually pinch myself when I read this. Like seriously? I could cry.

I have talent? *haha* I know I've been told that before but...like...I've always been told by friends and family. They are supposed to say stuff like that aren't they? That's what they do! But...this teacher, who I've only known for a few weeks and who probably won't remember me much when I move on tells me that I "need to keep writing". How can that not be a sign?

How can that NOT be the grace of God?

*sigh* Lord I praise you for your faithfullness to me. Even in the midst of my doubt and my fear which corrodes my confidence in your greatness, you continue to be great. And you continue to embrace me with the reality that in You, I can be great too.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

close encounters of the academic kind...

so the new quarter has started and I find myself with 3 on-campus classes, one lab on a different day than all of my other classes, and an online class. 17 units in all to add into the mix with my two jobs and crazy inability to say "no, sorry, I don't have time". In all honesty, looking back on my last post, I think I was more stressed with the idea of the impending quarter and the uncertainty of if I could deal with all of it. I was more inclined to believe that I was biting off WAY more than I could chew. But now, as I slowly inch forward day by day, it doesn't look so bad...and it could be worse. =P.

Anyway, to recap on my life thus far: I couldn't take 102 Japanese because I haven't taken 101 so I switched into a 101 French Class where my teacher is black with a british accent that disappears when she speaks french. She also likes to dance as she talks as a way to help us with our memorization.

I find the french accent and pronunciation hard because it requires you to lose some consonants while changing the sound of most of the vowels. WEIRD.

And to top it off, it's an 8am class. Hopefully that won't come back to bite me in the butt.

Anyway, then there is my Geology class with my motorcyle driving professor leatham who looks like Jeff Foxworthy (to the left) with Shawn Wallace's voice (to the right). It's really hard to concentrate with him because, not only do I keep thinking about what a weird mix of them he really is, he is also just WEIRD in general. In class today he totally ate chalk. He was trying to make a point...and I got it...but come on! CHALK? Haha.

And of course there is my subsequent Geology Lab with my very very VERY Canadian Professor Ross, I say that because he has got to have the thickest GENUINE Canadian accent I've ever heard, with "Eh?" And "aGAIN." It's so crazy...and I have weird flashbacks of Degrassi and Anne of Green Gables.

My online course is a MUS 180 class that's basically vocab and definitions submitted online as well as required attendance to 5 concerts this year. I really really REALLY want to go to the B.B. King Concert later in November, but it's expensive...I'll just have to pink up two extra shifts to pay for it. mMm good. I can feel the exhaustion now. =D

Finally there is my Creative Writing Class, the focus being poetry. My teacher is nice, as are my classmates, but I have to say it is truly an experiecne not being the only one in my major. It's downright foreign if you ask me. Why? Well, because for the first time, I'm not alone, and...I'm not that special now. Haha, i know, it soudns kind of petty, but you have to understand, I've always been the only one that's been a creative writing major with the goal of being a writer. There has always only ever been me, and now I'm in a class of 23 where more than 50% is the same. It'll take some getting used to...and I think once I prove not just to them but to myself that we actually are not the same, I'm distinct and different, then I'll be able to get ouf of this writing funk.

And that is my school career as of now. We'll see how it progresses over the next ten weeks.

Until next time
-later days

as i fall asleep in class...

i pray for endurance because my government professor is very-very boring.

*sigh* the poor man.

and poor me! gah. what am i going to do if i can't find some sort of stimulus in this class?