Eastern Samar State University

Don't ask me why ESSU is called Eastern Samar "State" University when clearly the Philippines is not divided into "states" but eh. They shall do what they shall do. 

Anyway, if you've been following my scattered thoughts and journal entry-blogs you'll know that the High School English Teacher position that I had originally secured fell through upon my arrival in the P.I. Which led to about two and a half weeks of what I like to call the "limbo state" until finally one of my relatives heard my sad sob story and spoke on my behalf to the local University: ESSU-Maydolong. The main campus is in Borongan, but ESSU-Maydolong is a branch located less than three miles from my house. Also, it happens to be the school that my cousins go to so...it was an obvious choice seeing as Joey, Kimberly and I could go to school together and I wouldn't feel so...alone. =] Add into the mix that a lot of my new friends from CYF are upperclassmen as well and I was pretty much set to be eased into my new life.

 

So, in comparison to ESSU-Main, which looks like a Cal State School, ESSU-Maydolong is a relatively small campus with a population of maybe 1,000 students. It was a high school the last time I was here, but since I've been away it changed from an Agricultural High School to a University offering degrees like: BE-ED: Elementary Education, BS-ED: Secondary Education, BS-IT: Information Technology, and BS-Criminology.

It's a relatively "simple" school, much like everything here in Eastern Samar. I first came to visit with Kimberly during her registration where she and many other students had to sit for close to half an hour filling out eight class schedules by hand, which were already assigned to all third year students (they don't pick their classes), to be distributed to different administrators on campus.

Back home we're so spoiled with all of our computer systems and everything is automated, as well as the vast array of classes to choose from. Students at ESSU don't choose, they are given the classes required to graduate, which...makes me wonder who has the better system seeing as most of the DO graduate in four years. (Save for the few who can't afford school, get married, or get pregnant and can't finish.)

 

 It's a nice change from the massiveness of a Cal State school. It almost feels like a private school and holds it's own quaint charm. For instance, every Friday, there are no "classes" but all students are required to come to campus for "classwork". Now, when I first heard this I thought Joey and Kimberly had to go to school to do homework stuff, but...no. It's Compulsory work. They go to campus to clean the campus. Sweep up the leaves, clean their classrooms, etc. etc. Granted, it's not all work, once they are done most students stay on campus with their friends, but if you don't go, it's a fifty peso fine.

Which reminds me...

The trees are mango trees, so towards the end of the school year there are a lot of mangoes to go around, though the students are discouraged from picking them off the tree (it's also a fifty peso fine). And the machine that keeps the grass trim and tended to? Carabao and goats.

Moreover, during actual classes in the week, the students don't actually move around from classroom to classroom, the teachers do. So, unlike a Cal State campus where you sometimes get stuck in a class with people from other majors that you don't know, all of my students spend all day together in the same classroom with their batch. They even have class officers and daily sweepers.

Imagine my surprise, the first day, when I said, "Alright, you're dismissed," only to be told, "Ma'am we stay here, in this classroom." I laughed it off, completely baffled and replied, "Oh, then I guess...I'm dismissed..." Yeah. A real comedian I am, though to be fair I was battling about five hundred butterflies in my stomach.

Which brings me to my students. I teach English courses: Effective Writing for BS-ED Second Year and Study and Thinking Skills for BS-IT First Year. Most of my students are around my age or...around the age of the CFBC Youth, so they are easy to get along, in addition to the fact that they are bred to be respectable and hospitable, but I won't deny that we were and...still are...a little more than fascinated with each other.

Recently, I spent some time with a few of my BS-ED students outside of class and learned that when I first walked in they all thought I was one of them. They all assumed that I would take a seat beside them and silently wait for the teacher. They watched me in complete surprise head over to the podium and proceed to nervously meander through all of the things in my bag. I was their teacher. I was the "Ma'am".

Currently I'm writing a narrative of that first experience, but I praise God for my 2nd year class. They are very different than my 1st years and remind me of home. They remind me of CFBC and the youth.

 

(I'm missing maybe ten of them in this picture, but overall they are an incredibly welcoming class.)

My 1st years are a little different. They can be successfully separated into two groups: the more vocal and more reserved. I have a lot of male students are very quick to compliment. The fact that I am twenty-two and a US citizen adds to my appeal of course, but they all listen during lecture and all participate to the best of their abilities.

I think the difficulty with this class is that, I wasn't their teacher on the first day of classes. I spent Monday, June 4 on a van to Borongan to meet with the President of the ESSU schools and get proper clearance to be taken on as a teacher. I came to them on Wednesday after they had already Ma'am Gemma and, because I hadn't been given their syllabus yet, we were a standstill haha. Every day it gets better, though sometimes I feel like there is only so much i can tell them. I learn more and more from their writing, as well as who does and doesn't do the work, but....even if they underestimate me now, they won't underestimate me once the semester ends. I remember who leaves class and who doesn't come back. I remember who pushes off the work to someone else. I know. I may be young, but I'm not stupid. Haha.

Overall, teaching is one of those experiences where you go into it with a game plan, just to throw it out the window. And yet, I do enjoy it thoroughly. There is something to be said about being this kind of observer. I don't think they realize how much I learn from them and how...it's, hopefully, just as much as they learn from me.

ESSU-Maydolong has never had a volunteer teacher before. So, I think it's safe to bet that this will be something my students remember. I can only hope that they'll remember more than the novelty of a teacher that was younger than them, or a teacher that was from California. I hope that they remember me and everything I tell them about writing and reading and understanding the English language. I pray that God uses me to do more than just lecture. I want to teach. That's why I'm here. So, let's hope and pray that I do God proud and make a lasting impression. =]

I'll hopefully be able to blog more within the next few days. In addition to introducing my new cousins and friends, there are a lot of school events and town events that I'm looking forward to writing on. For instance: The ESSU-Maydolong Founder's Day Anniversary and the impending Intramurals. We don't have stuff like this back home...but man...it should have a come back. Haha

Until next time.

-Aarika

"Let's keep it simple," He says.

I have never, in my entire life, been a quiet person.

You can ask anyone. 

I have always been loud, outspoken, long-winded, 

a girl prone to giving too much information. 

I lack the ability to enjoy silence and the skill to sit amidst it without putting my foot in my mouth or making myself look completely ridiculous.

That's always been me. That's always been who I am.

But what often happens, when you make drastic life changes, 

is you get the chance to reinvent yourself 

and see who you become when you are no longer in the comfort zone.

Here, I am rather shy. Haha I know. Shocker.

I am shy and quiet and a regular homebody.

Part of it is because I'm submerged in a culture 

with a language I don't understand a majority of the time 

and therefore I can't really contribute to the conversations much anyway.

And the other part of it is...I'm rather enjoying the silence now.

For years I've been all about telling stories. 

Telling stories to everyone and anyone about everything and anything.

But I've been musing a lot on the ideas God must have had in sending me here.

Me, the most talkative person in the world,

to a place where I can't really talk that much.

Obviously, there's something I've got to hear.

So, 

I think this year is all about listening. 

To my students, to my grandparents, to my family.

Listening to the story God is trying to tell me through all of them.

Listening to the lessons God is trying to give me through the silence.

One thing that comes with that is the call for simplicity. 

Sometimes, too many words complicate things.

And in a place as simply beautiful as Maydolong?

Complicating things is an injustice to it.

In class, I have to be explicit when I explain things. 

I can no longer rely on the implications because my students don't know them.

My references differ from theirs. So I need to simplify.

Not dumb down. They aren't lacking in intelligence.

No, they deserve more than that

And so, they force me to be creative. It's easier for me to adapt to them

than ask all of them to change for me.

Therefore, it's about listening. Listening to how they speak and the jokes they make. Listening to the questions they have and opening myself up to hear them.

In the classroom God has whispered,"Let's keep it simple,"

And I intend to do just that.

The Analogy

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

VBS 2010

So the time has finally come... for VBS.

and for those who have no inclination as to what that is, it stands for

Vacation Bible School

mMm. feels so good to be dedicating a whole week entirely to the Lord.
Granted, we should always be striving to dedicate ALL of our time to the Lord, but sometimes we let time slip away from us and it's moments like this, when you truly schedule your life around your relationship with God, that it puts everything else into perspective.

The past two days have been JAMPACKED full of activities. And when I finally can stop myself from nodding off, I'll be able to expand more, but let me just share with you my favorite song from this year's VBS.

You know, a lot of people didn't like it after they first heard it because it has some yodeling. But once you get through, you realize that it is actually a REALLY great song.
CHECK IT!

TUMBLEWEED:

Don't be a tumbleweed
Going anywhere the wind may lead
plant your self deep
in the B.I.B.L.E.

God's word can set you free
From being like that tumbleweed
If you just take the time to learn your ABC's

You've got to A admit to God that you're a sinner
And repent
And turn away from your sin

You've got to B Believe that Jesus is the Son of God
And accept His gift of forgiveness
You've got to C confess your faith in Jesus
As your savior and Lord
Forevermore

And you won't ever be like a tumbleweed

Don't be a dried up
Fried up
Petrified.
Just let the love of God change you inside.
He's got a plan for you,
I guarantee

And it all begins with the ABC's

wow. there's a lot of oxygen...

Okay. It's been a while, but, I've finally made some time.

It has officially been a week since school let out and the first few days were spent cleaning and ridding myself of all of the things I was holding onto throughout the year. Clothes, textbooks, test papers, study guides. All of it had culminated over the course of nine months, but now, I am happy to report, that everything is either in the garbage or in a Balikbayan box postmarked for the Philippines.

It took three full days to sift through everything, but, as my sister said, "[My] closet doesn't look like Narnia's in there anymore." ;P

It was strange finding and coming across different bits of the year and even finding different bits of years LONG past. It was therapeutic and cleansing and strangely satisfying.

Like looking back for the first time after a run and seeing just how far you'd made it. Or checking your watch after a really hectic flood of customers and realizing that your shift is almost over.

It was gratifying.

But now that my cleaning is done...I find myself in a strange place.

Suddenly, after months and months of a jam-packed busyness, I find myself with a LOT of spare time on my hands.

Now, with the quarter over I am no longer required to rush from work to school to church then back home to sleep it all off until having to do it again the next day.

[that was me]

In fact! I'm not really required to do anything....

And so a lot of my time has been spent staring at that ceiling or at the wall just in awe. This whole year, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. There were weeks when I just felt so tired and so misunderstood that I didn't think my body would be able to handle it.

But God sustained me and He continues to do so.

The only trouble is, trying to figure out what to do with myself. With all of this free time, what do I need to do? For myself? This whole year has been dedicated to school and to church and to work. I've been running around thinking and contemplating what can I do for everyone else. But, I was always hard pressed to put myself in to consideration. I guess I always reasoned that there would be enough time for me later.

But, later has come apparently.

With the cleaning done I'm freed up. Sure there is family and friends to visit, people to meet up with and the weekly hangouts that come about during the week. But, for instance, moments like right now, when I'm all alone in the house and NOT too tired to function, I'm jittery. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not and it's odd.

And yet, God is slowly helping me understand that this our time. His and mine to be together. To do things together. Things that I've been wanting to do.

My Father wants to hang out with me.

And that is so exciting.

This summer, no matter where I am. I just want to be able to enjoy things with Him and be reminded of the things that He has given to me to enjoy. I've realized lately that that's what He's been doing. [I have been such a sucker lately for subtle beauties in the world]

like a girl putting her trust in a trustworthy guy.

Like, the stories I grew up with.
The ones that remind me of what love is and that it was created by a Loving God.
[yes. even Harry Potter, which talks about the sacrifices for love]

Like the genius of paper flowers. [which I am mastering]

And the awesomeness of cupcake decorating [which i want to learn how to do]
That proves anything has the potential to be beautiful, if given the chance.

like the words of one of my favorite poets.
[Who I wrote my final paper on]
and reminded me that, contrary to what this world says:
Love does not have to be outlandish and extroverted.
Love can an expression that is intimate and subtle.

I just want to be in love with God again.

You know, in Bible study we've been talking a lot about the book of John and the miracles Jesus did. And, moreover, how He gave it all to God. How He didn't want glory for Himself but for the Father and I want to be like that. I want to make God important again. More important than anything else in this world and pull myself away from the crowds like Jesus did. Pull myself away and to a secluded place for just me and My Dad.

Well Gandhi....I'm working on it. =P

the calm before the storm.

the next few weeks are going to be incredibly, horribly busy.

School is promising to be jam-packed with events and work and what not, so...I find it necessary to enjoy the time I have left to truly (truly, i say to you) capitalize on the moments of freedom.

And today was a good start.

I went to work this morning, no shocker there since it has been nearly two months since our new schedule has had me working 6 days a week. Worked from 6-11am then headed home to impatiently count down the minutes until Cassie's chamber audition interview while driving around looking for sour spray candy.

Smart & Final, the 99 cent store, and finally Blockbuster (where I rented a few goodies) then we were on our way.

It just so happened that all of the people I wanted to hang out with today had zero plans, so HOORAY for the ability to schedule some discipleship and accountability hang out time.

After Cassie's audition, which she killed btw, I dropped off Cassie for Choir practice, then picked up Kristine and Lidia before heading to our regular discipleship hang out: Hometown Buffet.

We ate WAY more than necessary and had a lot of great talks about how all three of us are awkward...but apparently I win the awkward award. (eh. not surprised)

Moving on: from there we picked up Melissa and trekked to P. Eddie's house for some quality Ormeo Family time, meeting up with the Reyei + mis hermanos. Getting down to business we unearthed the spoils of my trip to Blockbuster:

Ponyo
(Ghibli Studios' rendition of Little Mermaid)


And Valentine's Day
(one of my FAVORITE movies)

woot. loved it. And was reminded of the importance of fellowship. =D

I have thought about it alot over the past year. Thought about the type of ministry I feel God calling me to and my eyes have been opened to just how impactful a God centered relationship can be on all parties involved.

While I love music and LOVE my musicals, what I love more is the avenues that open up through them. The opportunities to become stronger together and to encourage others who are in need of it outweighs any amount of sheet music I could acquire. My only hope is to continue on doing the work and being a light for Christ to shine through.

Colossians 2:2-3
²My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

spinning into perspective

"i got into a car accident."

Saying it out loud feels shocking and so I can't really be surprised by the reactions I get when I say it, but still, I find it unfathomable.

but here the facts:

I was driving down the 57 south, on my way to go pick up Alanna and Eric and possibly EJ for Cassie and Garrett's Cabaret show. I had just merged from the 10 west and was about 1/2 mile away from Sunset Crossing when I realized the lady in my left lane was preparing to merge into me. I don't even think she saw me or saw the fact that she sandwiched me between her car and another, but she just kept going. She was going to hit me. And so my initial instinct was to pull away.

I swerved right and then realized there was another car there and then swerved left again in my lane only to find her still coming. So I broke (out of instinct) and then the car fishtailed.

I lost control of the wheel and just felt the car drift; turning within the lane to face the wrong way and it kept going.

I remember thinking, "Please just don't hit anything. Please just don't hit anything. Please everyone just get out of the way." And my overactive imagination was running 6 million miles a second picturing collisions and overturned cars etc. etc. Finally, it was over. When my head stopped spinning I found myself facing the Northbound 57 and cars coming up on my left.

A few cars went around me, but most stopped and waited while I got my bearings and pulled out. It was there at the side of the road that I began hyperventilating.

After that it was a blur of tears and conversations in broken English between me, my parents (who came to my rescue) and the Asian couple who's driver's door was smashed in. I was set to believe that it had all been my fault, that I must have hit them and would have to suffer the consequences of that, but...they said it wasn't me. They said it was someone else that hit them and drove off.

Honestly? I don't think I'll ever be sure.

It all happened so fast. All I do remember was that, I forgot to think about myself in the situation. Throughout the entire ordeal I just kept thinking, "Please everyone stop. Don't come any closer. It's not safe. It's not safe." I was afraid of someone not seeing me and crashing into me and getting hurt.

I never realized what could have happened to me until my dad pointed it out later. He said, "Aarika do you realize that the way your car was spinning you could have tipped over?"

Honestly? No. I didn't know that. I didn't think about it. But I dreamt about it that night. I dreamt about it and daydreamed about it and when I close my eyes I can still relive it.

When you look at it my car, you wouldn't think any of this happened to me. My jeep is beast that will not be killed. But it happened. And regardless of the nearly invisible outward injuries, I've still got a few internal ones. Cause I can't seem to forget them.

I still remember spinning and praying and not being able to breathe and telling everyone I was okay when I felt horrible inside. I still remember pushing everything aside and pretending I was fine and breaking down whenever anyone hugged me.

I still remember and I don't want to forget.

Because to forget it all would be to forget that God saved me. That God rescued me in my time of need and protected me. That, even after it, He reminded me of all the people in my life that care and worry about me. God reminded me of how He has blessed me with my family and church family and just a plethora of people who are willing and able to comfort me in times like this.

But God also showed me, that I'm not afraid of death or to die, because He's on the other side. Granted, that doesn't mean I WANT to die. But, at least I know that, if ever the time comes, I won't be fearful of it because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

And lastly, God showed me that I still have a lot of work to do. There are people here that I am meant to affect and work here that I meant to do for Him. And there are things that I want people to remember me by, so I better get to it.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."

Pslam 118:17

I see a generation

Friday night we sang the Hillsong United praise and worship song "Hosanna"and, though Ian has talked about being blessed by this before, I just reiterate that the stanzaa:

"I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith.

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees."

rings true for me. I see it. I see it.

I see it in EJ's leadership.

I see it in Kristine's hunger for the truth
In Lidia's joy and willingness to learn.

I see it in Eric and his music.
In Garrett and his compassion.

I see it in Derek and Aljay's comraderie
And Melissa and Kathleen's loyalty.

In the Hernandez sisters' generosity
And even Chelsea and her consistency.

Yes they all have struggles, they all have burdens, and they all have given me those moments when I feel like I want to shake them and pull my own hair out.

But I see it. I see God in them. And though they may have doubts and fears and issues of disbelief, God is never going to leave them, and if I can get anything across to them in the time that I have with them. It's that:

God will never leave you. And as long as He allows it, neither will I.

The past few weeks have been a struggle for the youth leaders. So much has changed in such a small amount of time that I can see the weariness and I've felt it too. =P

But Friday night, as we sang that song, God comforted me. Reminded me of how He is always working and proved it true with the youth's Surprise Appreciation Party.

To say I was surprised would be a complete and utter understatement. I was shocked and thrown off-guard. I was unsure of what to do other than thank them and praise God for his incomparable timing, because the timing was just a little too coincidental. Gotta love it though. Usually it's us that plan everything for the youth and surprise them randomly with cake and parties.

This time around it was all them and exceptionally successful.

[save for my epic fail as I hid in the other room during the big reveal. soooo not my fault that I thought it was a surprise party for alex..who's actual birthday is like...in june. hahahaha]

See: A cake and everything. You guys are such a blessing.

And I think this is the beginning of a revival. Why do I say that? Hah, well...why not? Why can't it happen right now?

The ball is in our court. So let's be decisive. What are we gonna do?

To Be Fearless

Some people fear of being great, but I've always been afraid that I would never get there. And so when the prospect of being workshop(ed) in my Intro to Fiction class came up I knew that I wouldn't be able to breathe for weeks.

For the first time ever, I was going to be critiqued on my fiction. My fiction, which I have worked on for nearly fifteen years to perfect and still have trouble believing is good. Decent maybe. Sometimes good. But great? -_-x not so much.

(i wrote this a few years back for another creative writing class)

what holds me back?
arrogance,
yet also
a lack of self-worth.
To be unsure of your ability,
at something you know you are good at.
is a curse in itself.

it's true.

I am good.
But I'm not great.

there is also self-induced pressure
of what I must live up to,
what i must mirror,
in order to, at the very least,
honor my predecessors.

With my writing,
How can I compare to that of Poe?
or Faulkner, or Salinger?
How can I live up to such names and be everything I want to be?
Everything I'm expected to be?
I am good at what I do. Yes,
But I am not great.

And in music...
Music is breath, music is life,
But to do my family justice,
Music is so much more than that.
It is passion and music is work.
I may be considered good
But again, I am not great.

So can you see now, just how terrified I was?

I mean, what if I submitted my piece and the truth was it wasn't great and there was no chance of it ever being great? Or worse! What if I've been lying to myself for years and I'm not even decent?! GAH! What if all my letters came back with one note back saying in horrible editor red:

"You suck. Change Majors."

-_-x oh goodness. I think I would just drop dead right there.

Because as I've said before and I will continue to say forever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life and I have to believe that God gave me this passion and this gift to do something with it.

But. I should know better than to doubt God. I mean...didn't I just learn that from the book Kristine, Lidia, and I are going through? Fear corrodes confidence in God and that we have to remember God's resume when we start doubting if He's there.

I should know better and God smacked me in the face with it today, during my workshop.

God used my teacher, this published Author, someone who is pretty much living the dream right now, (or at least a part of it) to open his letter to me with this:

"The story has enormous potential, and is already quite impressive. You have real talent."

and ended his letter with this:

"This could be a fantastic story, Aarika. You definitely need to keep writing."

Grade? "A-"

Holy crap. I had to actually pinch myself when I read this. Like seriously? I could cry.

I have talent? *haha* I know I've been told that before but...like...I've always been told by friends and family. They are supposed to say stuff like that aren't they? That's what they do! But...this teacher, who I've only known for a few weeks and who probably won't remember me much when I move on tells me that I "need to keep writing". How can that not be a sign?

How can that NOT be the grace of God?

*sigh* Lord I praise you for your faithfullness to me. Even in the midst of my doubt and my fear which corrodes my confidence in your greatness, you continue to be great. And you continue to embrace me with the reality that in You, I can be great too.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

My Faith Will Stay

¹Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,

²To the holy and faithful brothers in Christ at Colosse:
Grace and peace to you from God our Father.

Thanksgiving and Prayer

³We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, ⁴because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— ⁵the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel ⁶that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. ⁷You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, ⁸and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

⁹For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. ¹⁰And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^d]"> to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. ¹³For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

The Supremacy of Christ

¹⁵He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, ²⁰and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of^f]"> your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Paul's Labor for the Church

²⁴Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. ²⁷To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

²⁸We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. ²⁹To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

In the recent events that have conspired, the first chapter of Colossians really spoke to me. In reading this chapter I thought about CFBC and how this chapter said everything that I have wanted to say to my church about what I think God is calling me to do and what He is teaching me. And how, though unconventional my acts of praise to Him are, they come from my heart and they are driven by my desire to continually remind everyone around me about God's grace and providence.

²⁴Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness—

Moving on to everything else...

[I plan to blog about the musical itself, but first and foremost I would like to talk about what God has taught me through it and just the reminders He has given to me]

There were many moments throughout the last few months where I questioned why I was doing what I was doing. Why had I chosen to put myself and those I around me, whom I loved, through all of the stress that comes with big, ambitious projects? But, in the aftermath, I think I have come out with a better understanding of what God wants from me.

ACTS OF FAITH was always a story about the Christian life. It presented the Gospel, but moreover it was about Christian living and how being a Christian does not make life easier. In fact, at times it is really hard to be Christian, especially in a world like today.

Even more, I think I wrote this musical for the youth of CFBC and the youth from other churches that I've encountered over the course of the past few years. I've seen so many falter and stray away from the path to the Cross. I've seen kids turn completely away and others who stand stagnant all because they are afraid to ask for help, they are afraid to be seen as Christians with dead faith, so...they keep quiet. Suffering (seemingly) alone so that they don't have to really deal with it. As long as no one else is aware, they can pretend that neither are they.

I know what that's like, feeling like you know the right answer, but not knowing why you can't apply it and afraid to ask for help because, then others might look at you and say, "aren't you Christian? shouldn't you know?" It feels shameful. As somebody who knows who God is, not being able to see Him makes you feel guilty and that begins the spiral down.

You want to breakdown, but you don't want to admit that God isn't the center, because you know He's supposed to be. You know He's supposed to be the driving force of your life and, when He isn't, what does that make you?

A liar?

A Hypocrite?

A fake?

A poser?

Yeah. I've felt that way too. That has always been one of my greatest fears, being called out as a fake. To have someone look at me and say, "You're a Christian? Yeah right. Quit fooling yourself 'cause you're not fooling me." Ouch. Talk about a nightmare.

Even God says in Psalms 26:4 "I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort with hypocrites"

But, God is so good to us. Even though we may find it hard to forgive ourselves, nothing is impossible or difficult for God. He forgives us even after we've turned away. And He continues to wait until we come back, because if we truly truly desire to be fulfilled by Him, He'll know that. He knows that.

You want proof?

The book of Jeremiah talks about the prophet Jeremiah and how he was striving to help the Jewish people repent their sins and turn back to God. He told them of the threats that were coming for their kingdom and how if they just look to the Lord He will save them, but they didn't want to. They shrugged him off and after a while Jeremiah became angry with the futility of if all. Finally God tells him to stop praying for His people and Jeremiah goes a little crazy, making His proclamations more pronounced and out there. He is taunted and picked on and eventually gets thrown in jail; even in a pit to be left for dead.

Now, I was reading through chapter 33, and I found this amazing: God had told Jeremiah to stop praying for the Jews and He shared with Jeremiah all that would happen when He hides His face from them. The destruction will be horrible and so great, but...He says that He will heal them. He says:

⁶ " 'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. ⁷ I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. ⁸ I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. ⁹
Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.'
Jeremiah 33:6-9

Don't you see? The greatest gift of God is His never-failing love and His faithfulness to us. One of my favorite lines in the entire musical is one of Amy Phu's lines where she says, "God is faithful to those are faithful." And that's so true. Even when we fail Him, even when we falter and stumble, He sees us and He promises to heal us.

And we may feel guilty over our shortcomings but guilt does not discount us from God. Guilt and conviction remind us that we need Him and even when we don't feel worthy the point isn't about what we feel, it's about who God is.

Going back to Colossians 1:

²¹Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²²But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— ²³if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Okay, so here's my story:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.

So, I'm going to be honest here.

I was born into a Christian home, into a Christian family and into a Christian life. And because of that, I assumed that I was born Christian.

For years I listened to my parents tell me over and over again how Jesus loved me and how He died for my sins and that if I just ask Jesus to come into my heart then everything would be okay.

I went to church every Sunday, attended Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, I even went to a Christian school and thought that I was set for life, because there was no way I couldn't be Christian. I was doing everything right.

But as I got older I started becoming labeled the "Christian" girl and because it was said negatively to me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people having expectations for me and I, especially, didn't like falling into them. So I started acting out.

By sixth grade I was, probably, the biggest potty-mouth ever. I cussed at everyone. I thought it made me cool. And the best thing about it was that I knew Jesus had forgiven me already so there was no harm in it. As long as I asked for forgiveness every night, I would be okay. Jesus knows I'm a sinner, so He knows I'm always gonna sin, and I knew that He was always going to forgive me because He knew my heart. I didn't really mean anything I said, I just...didn't want to be made fun of. He could understand that. Or, that's what I thought.

And that's where it all started. Me, twisting the doctrines I had learned to justify my sins.

By Junior High, I wasn't getting any better. I had fallen into this cliche idea of wanting to grow up really fast. I wanted it all. I wanted cool friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. And in process of that I let myself down.

I started acting up in school, my grades slipped, boys got the wrong idea about me and even worse my friends did too. I was the butt of the jokes. I knew people would say things about me, things that I didn't want them to say, but I brushed it off. I laughed it off as if I didn't care because I thought that if I pretended long enough, it would be true

But it never was. It always hurt. And because I didn't know what else to do, I tried harder to win the approval of my peers.

I let that become the center of my life. I pushed God aside because I reasoned that He was always gonna be there. He's God and He's everywhere. But my friends? I needed them. I couldn't survive high school without them. So I compromised everything for them.

At the time, I wouldn't have admitted it. I would have simply said, "My friends are important to me because I love them and I would do anything for them."

I was really really deluded.

When I would go home and think about my life, I knew something was missing. I would sit with my family around the dinner table and pray for God to bless the food or talk to my cousins on the phone, listening to them go on and on about their church activities and their youth groups and their small groups and I would feel so jealous because everyone else seemed to be so close to God but I couldn't feel Him anymore. Even worse, I felt like I was so far gone that there was no way God would still want to love me. I couldn't even get my friends to really care about me, not the way I wanted them to. So why would He?

I used to tell myself that God wouldn't want to be around a person like me. God wouldn't want to be there for the person that I'd become. Someone who was shallow and self-conscious and weak. I couldn't be strong for Him, so why would He waste time?

It wasn't until the summer before I reached high school that things started to change. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't instantaneous, it didn't hit me like a freight truck, and I didn't become a true believer over night. It was a slow process that started with these facts

I wasn't happy and I was scared.

That summer I had strangely been involved with my youth group. I think there was a slight buzz about being in high school and getting to actually be a part of it all, so it was exciting. But strange none the less. The beach trip and Revolution Camp had showed me what it would be like to have Christian friends and be around people who would keep you accountable. Being in that environment opened my eyes to what I had become.

I was a miserable and lost teenager who knew all the right answers, but was too afraid to use them. I knew who to ask for help and I knew they would help me, but I couldn't break my pride enough to get it done. I couldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, after years of pushing God away, was facing Him. Why? Because I was afraid of what I would see in myself through His eyes. I was afraid of facing the disappointment and the hurt. I was afraid to go home to my Father because I was convinced that He wouldn't want me back.

And it took a really long time until I trusted myself again with God and until I was strong enough to make that 180. I turned slowly degree by degree and...that's the way it had to be. I had a lot of baggage to drop along the way, had a lot of bad habits to kick as well as unhealthy relationships to cut off.

But it had to be done, and moreover, I slowly began to see God in my life. It was as if I had dropped my glasses and everything was blurry. I could only see shapes and silhouettes, but I could hear His voice, and I followed it, seeing Him become clearer and clearer as I approached.

I think it was truly my second church camp, the summer before Senior year, that God put my glasses back on.

It was that night before I left that I asked God to help me. To use the opportunity being given, as He had used the last one, to finally change me.

And He did.

I don't know if it was the music or the message or the fellowship, but I got slapped in the face with reality. The reality that God is real. And I felt so alive. More alive than I had ever felt before and,

I didn't want to go back to the person I was.
I wanted to cling to the God that He is.

And I strive every day to do just that. That's not say that I don't struggle. I fail miserably some times...but it's different now. All of those times that I failed and felt too guilty to come God; all those times that I just knew I was too unworthy to face Him. I now know that I was focusing on all the wrong things.

I failed? I was too unworthy?

newsflash: it's not about me
It's about Who He is and always will be.

In retrospect what I have learned?

I have learned that God is a loving God that finds me beautiful when I can't.
I have learned that I cannot make judgements for God on myself or anyone else.
I have learned that the first step, in any problem, is to always to give Him control
and I have learned that building a relationship with Him takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen in an instant. Like any other relationship you work at it day by day, minute by minute. And it's hard. It's really really hard. especially because sometimes it may seem too hard.

But, the great thing, is that:

He is totally and committed to you. So don't afraid to be totally committed to Him.

So...once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.
Today: she finally is.

²² Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22