Keep Calm and Carry On

Sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

There are moments when I push through every emotion and doubt until I railroad them to the ground. And then..

then there are moments when I can barely bring myself to move passed them.

Under all the excitement and all the anticipation is this fear that is overwhelming and it eats away at me inside like a hunger that can't be satisfied.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid and the general response is always, "Don't be."

If only it were a switch that I could just switch off, but it's not. Confidence and faith are two of the hardest things to keep a hold on because as humans we are susceptible to the lies and deception of Satan. Just like Eve we are tempted away from trusting in God's plan and as much as I know what my response to such temptations should be I can't sustain them.

I just can't.

This should be a time of reflection and pride over the years and countless hours I spent working hard and doing everything I could to finish what I started.

The sweat and the tears and the mind power it took to push through every obstacle and keep my foot solidly on the ground.

But as I stand here, nearly eleven hours away from my final hours as an undergraduate, all that comes to mind is everything I failed at.

All the opportunities I missed. All the things I didn't learn. All the things I am still unqualified for because of my age, my status, my lack of wisdom.

As "impressive" as everything I have done may seem
what is weighing down on me is the doubts that still come:
"Are you sure you can do it?" "I don't think what you're saying is right." "Maybe I'll ask someone else."

I just...

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of uncertainty that should make me turn to Christ and rest in Him.
That's the right answer! That's what should be happening. But it's not and I don't know why.

"Just stop."

"Just pray."

"Don't be afraid."

"How can you be scared?"

"Just trust."

It all sounds so easy and yet it's so not.

The Analogy

"I get so frustrated because I worry that I'm doing things out of obligation rather than desire. And I question whether or not it's something I really WANT to do."

This is something that has been coming up a lot in regards to our Christian lives. I've heard so many statements like this from the Youth in church and have even said this myself; questioned myself about my reasonings to do certain things involving an active Christian life.

Am I ready?

Am I mature enough?

Am I the right person?

Am I saying yes because I actually want to serve or because I feel like I have to?

Is God calling me?

Is God testing me?

Is Satan tempting me?

Is this where God is leading?

Is this where my own desires are leading?

Does God want me here

Or do I want me here?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Do I really mean that?

Do. I. REALLY. believe?

*Sigh* Okay, look:

Personally, I have major control issues and I also have the unfortunate habit of analyzing everything and reading too much into it. Sometimes...

No.

All the time: I analyze things so much that I end up missing out on a lot of opportunities and I lack trust in myself and, ultimately, in God.

And why is that? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, when things get hard, of my motives and if my heart is in the right place. It shouldn't feel like an obligation... right?

Wrong. Well... sort of.

Let me explain. Yes. You should never approach your Christian life and your relationship with Christ as solely an obligation because Christian obedience comes from the love and desire you have for Him.

But, to assume that there is no level of obligation or there will be no level of obligation required is wrong.

Because there will be things that you cannot foresee that you will have to face and you may not be the biggest fan of it, but they will need to be done. There will be times when God's work needs to be continued. "Keep doing the work"

Think of it this way: (And this goes out to all of those who are going to college next year)

Imagine there is a class that you are extremely interested in taking. (It could be choir, dance, theater, math, english, science, history, fashion etc. ANYTHING) You find that it fits into your schedule and it really excites you and challenges you and you just gotta take it because you are just so on fire for it.

So you sign up.

Why do you sign up?

Because you want to. Because you are genuinely interested and it just feels so good. Picture it okay?

Now, know this. Usually when you sign up for a class you don't know what the teacher has in store for it. You're not aware of the entire curriculum or what every assignment is or even every classmate you'll have, but that's something you gotta take on faith. Something that you agree to endure with signing up for the class. You hope for the best, but you have no idea what's going to happen. Right? That's how it usually goes.

So you go. You come in and you learn a lot the first day. You're teacher is great, the class sounds fun and the people around you seem interesting. Overall it looks like it's going to be a good class.

But a few weeks in, a particularly daunting assignment comes. It's a good one, it's something that the teacher says will help you and will change your perspective on things and really test what you've learned so far, but it's something you've never done before. In fact you are more than a little nervous. You're anxious. Scared.

But you have to do the assignment. It's part of your grade. You can't just not do it because you're scared. That's what you signed up for, even if you didn't know it at the time.

So question. Do you not like the class anymore? Or do you just not like the assignment?

Moreover, looking back do you question if you took the class out of obligation or do you realize that it's just the assignment being done out of obligation?

Let's do another classroom example: You come to class and the lesson your teacher is teaching on, isn't exactly the most stimulating lesson. In fact you don't even want to listen because you're feeling sick and tired and you just want to go home. But you know that, while the material might be bland, it's important for the class and important for your test. If you miss out on it you're not going to know the material and you're going to be left out to dry on those pop quiz days.

In that situation, do you stay in class because you want to? Or do you stay because you have to?

And again, looking back on it, did you take the class out of obligation or do you stay in class that day out of obligation?

A lot of times God calls us to do things that we're not used to or we may not feel up for. There will always be moments when we fall short because of our humanity and we just don't feel like doing what it is we should be doing. But we need to continue the work. It's what we signed up in our relationship with Christ and thankfully, we have a really understanding and loving teacher who is willing to help us through the rough spots.

The truth is a relationship with Christ cannot be solely based on obligation. But when we come to desire a relationship with Christ and we commit our lives to that relationship then we agree to take on all that comes in that relationship. We are bound to Him.

And yes, we can make mistakes. Yes we can fall short of our commitment. Fail a test. Disappoint the teacher. But because He is such an inspiring and wonderful teacher who loves us and wants nothing more than to see us succeed, then we can know that as long as we come to Him for help there is no way we can fail this class. He does everything He can to help us succeed. It is only when we do not take advantage of His love for us that we fail.

So you gotta give yourself a little more credit here. If you know that you were genuinely interested and have been genuinely interested in fostering a relationship with Christ then stop letting the fear of what your motives now for serving or loving God stop you from continuing to try.

There will be hard days. There will be days when you become broken and question whether or not you're even good enough to pursue God. But Paul says in Romans:

"We have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 5:1-5

At the bottom of it all God wants what is best for us like any other Father and He gave us the means to succeed through an amazing teacher who was willing to sacrifice and DID sacrifice everything for us.

So in times of struggle when you begin to become frustrated and start to question whether or not you are cut out for this life. The Christian life. Just do what you would do in any situation. Bring it to your Father. Bring it to your Teacher. Ask for their help. And most importantly keep working hard, do the best that you can, and don't let your suffering hinder you.

A certain level of obligation comes with every relationship, but it is not and should not be the basis of it. So it is only when you are basing the entire relationship on obligation, like, I only love God because I feel like I should, then THAT's when you should worry. When you should question. When you should examine where exactly your heart lies because... that is when you really need to ask, "What am I doing here?"

Okay, so here's my story:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.

So, I'm going to be honest here.

I was born into a Christian home, into a Christian family and into a Christian life. And because of that, I assumed that I was born Christian.

For years I listened to my parents tell me over and over again how Jesus loved me and how He died for my sins and that if I just ask Jesus to come into my heart then everything would be okay.

I went to church every Sunday, attended Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, I even went to a Christian school and thought that I was set for life, because there was no way I couldn't be Christian. I was doing everything right.

But as I got older I started becoming labeled the "Christian" girl and because it was said negatively to me, I didn't like it. I didn't like people having expectations for me and I, especially, didn't like falling into them. So I started acting out.

By sixth grade I was, probably, the biggest potty-mouth ever. I cussed at everyone. I thought it made me cool. And the best thing about it was that I knew Jesus had forgiven me already so there was no harm in it. As long as I asked for forgiveness every night, I would be okay. Jesus knows I'm a sinner, so He knows I'm always gonna sin, and I knew that He was always going to forgive me because He knew my heart. I didn't really mean anything I said, I just...didn't want to be made fun of. He could understand that. Or, that's what I thought.

And that's where it all started. Me, twisting the doctrines I had learned to justify my sins.

By Junior High, I wasn't getting any better. I had fallen into this cliche idea of wanting to grow up really fast. I wanted it all. I wanted cool friends and the perfect boyfriend, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be the perfect person for everyone. And in process of that I let myself down.

I started acting up in school, my grades slipped, boys got the wrong idea about me and even worse my friends did too. I was the butt of the jokes. I knew people would say things about me, things that I didn't want them to say, but I brushed it off. I laughed it off as if I didn't care because I thought that if I pretended long enough, it would be true

But it never was. It always hurt. And because I didn't know what else to do, I tried harder to win the approval of my peers.

I let that become the center of my life. I pushed God aside because I reasoned that He was always gonna be there. He's God and He's everywhere. But my friends? I needed them. I couldn't survive high school without them. So I compromised everything for them.

At the time, I wouldn't have admitted it. I would have simply said, "My friends are important to me because I love them and I would do anything for them."

I was really really deluded.

When I would go home and think about my life, I knew something was missing. I would sit with my family around the dinner table and pray for God to bless the food or talk to my cousins on the phone, listening to them go on and on about their church activities and their youth groups and their small groups and I would feel so jealous because everyone else seemed to be so close to God but I couldn't feel Him anymore. Even worse, I felt like I was so far gone that there was no way God would still want to love me. I couldn't even get my friends to really care about me, not the way I wanted them to. So why would He?

I used to tell myself that God wouldn't want to be around a person like me. God wouldn't want to be there for the person that I'd become. Someone who was shallow and self-conscious and weak. I couldn't be strong for Him, so why would He waste time?

It wasn't until the summer before I reached high school that things started to change. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't instantaneous, it didn't hit me like a freight truck, and I didn't become a true believer over night. It was a slow process that started with these facts

I wasn't happy and I was scared.

That summer I had strangely been involved with my youth group. I think there was a slight buzz about being in high school and getting to actually be a part of it all, so it was exciting. But strange none the less. The beach trip and Revolution Camp had showed me what it would be like to have Christian friends and be around people who would keep you accountable. Being in that environment opened my eyes to what I had become.

I was a miserable and lost teenager who knew all the right answers, but was too afraid to use them. I knew who to ask for help and I knew they would help me, but I couldn't break my pride enough to get it done. I couldn't do it. The hardest thing for me, after years of pushing God away, was facing Him. Why? Because I was afraid of what I would see in myself through His eyes. I was afraid of facing the disappointment and the hurt. I was afraid to go home to my Father because I was convinced that He wouldn't want me back.

And it took a really long time until I trusted myself again with God and until I was strong enough to make that 180. I turned slowly degree by degree and...that's the way it had to be. I had a lot of baggage to drop along the way, had a lot of bad habits to kick as well as unhealthy relationships to cut off.

But it had to be done, and moreover, I slowly began to see God in my life. It was as if I had dropped my glasses and everything was blurry. I could only see shapes and silhouettes, but I could hear His voice, and I followed it, seeing Him become clearer and clearer as I approached.

I think it was truly my second church camp, the summer before Senior year, that God put my glasses back on.

It was that night before I left that I asked God to help me. To use the opportunity being given, as He had used the last one, to finally change me.

And He did.

I don't know if it was the music or the message or the fellowship, but I got slapped in the face with reality. The reality that God is real. And I felt so alive. More alive than I had ever felt before and,

I didn't want to go back to the person I was.
I wanted to cling to the God that He is.

And I strive every day to do just that. That's not say that I don't struggle. I fail miserably some times...but it's different now. All of those times that I failed and felt too guilty to come God; all those times that I just knew I was too unworthy to face Him. I now know that I was focusing on all the wrong things.

I failed? I was too unworthy?

newsflash: it's not about me
It's about Who He is and always will be.

In retrospect what I have learned?

I have learned that God is a loving God that finds me beautiful when I can't.
I have learned that I cannot make judgements for God on myself or anyone else.
I have learned that the first step, in any problem, is to always to give Him control
and I have learned that building a relationship with Him takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight, it doesn't happen in an instant. Like any other relationship you work at it day by day, minute by minute. And it's hard. It's really really hard. especially because sometimes it may seem too hard.

But, the great thing, is that:

He is totally and committed to you. So don't afraid to be totally committed to Him.

So...once upon a time, there was a girl who thought she was Christian, but really wasn't.
Today: she finally is.

²² Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22

James 1:5-6

⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

I don't know where to go sometimes
from where it is I am.
I can't seem to find my way
Or understand the bigger plan.

I keep telling myself this is right
But in honesty it isn't my call
And it isn't until later I realize
I've set myself up for a fall.

I just want to know what to do. And I want to know where to go from here and if I'm doing the right thing. All my best laid plans seem to crumble and I start to doubt if I've been listening at all.

The Genius of Dr. Seuss

So, 3rd and 4th graders are ridiculously straight forward and curious.

We got into some deep conversations with comments like:

"I don't know if I'm saved Ate Aarika!"

"Even if you ask Jesus into your heart will he leave you when you're bad?"

"Do I have to ask him to come into my heart again?"

"If there is a war in heaven and you die...where do you go?"

"If you're bad will you go to hell?"

The questions were numerous and overwhelming and yet I couldn't help but love it, because as we get older we can come to feel self-conscious and lose our boldness in asking the important questions. We are taunted by the fear that society will shun us or think little of us and we know that it can be hard and dangerous to be out on that limb on our own.

But we must be consistent and we must teach our children to be this way also. We've got to keep heart and sometimes...draw inspiration from unlikely sources.

For example, today, while I was reflecting on VBS, I was watching Horton Hears A Who and this is what I heard:

(the scene where the Kangaroo is speaking out against Horton to the rest of the animals turning them into an angry mob)

Kangaroo: What is happening to the Jungle of Nool?! There once was a time when people were people and specks were specks! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Horton!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let troublemakers like Horton poison the minds of our children?!
Yummo the wikersham: Not the children!
Kangaroo: When Horton tells the children about worlds beyond the jungle, he makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Wikersham: Yeah! Horton must pay!
Deer mother: It's that speck!
Tommy's parent: We have to do something!
Mrs. Quillian: For the children!
Yummo: for the children!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Every animal: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Kangaroo:(Has Horton surrounded) Stooop! (everyone stops)
Horton: Hey fellas. Good to see you, all at once. You look really great, as a horde.
Kangaroo:Horton, Horton, Horton, look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little flower.
Horton: It's a speck!
Kangaroo:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Horton: It can?
Kangaroo:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE ARE NO LITTLE PEOPLE LIVING ON THAT SPECK! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price. (The wikershams then bring up a huge cage, which Horton winces at)

...

So what have we learned?

Horton was faced with a very scary situation and it despite the fact that this movie is a cartoon and is fictional...the similarities are uncanny to that of Jesus and the Pharisees. After watching I had this vision and the whole story turned into this:

Pharisees What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and they didn't go around claiming to be someone they aren't. Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? That Jesus! Are we going to let troublemakers like him poison the minds of our children?!
Society: Not the children!
Pharisees: When Jesus tells the children about heaven and how He is the son of God, He makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Society: Yeah! Jesus must pay!
Mother: He's a liar
Parent: We have to do something!
Woman For the children!
Scoiety: for the children!
Pharisees: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
All: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Pharisees: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a mere man.
Jesus: I am my Father's son
Pharisees:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Jesus: It can?
Pharisees:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that YOU ARE NOT GOD NOR THE SON OF GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

...

And Jesus paid the price. He paid the ultimate price because He held onto the truth. What's even more amazing is that this story is still relevant today: As Christians we are faced with this negativity and it hasn't changed in all these years.

Society: What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and were logical about it! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Those Christians! Are we going to let troublemakers like them poison the minds of our children?!
Man: Not the children!
Society: When thoes Christians teach the children about heaven and hell and Jesus, they makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Man: Yeah! They must pay!
Mother: It's that book! That Bible of theirs
Parent: We have to do something!
Father: For the children!
Man: for the children!
Society: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Everyone: NOOOO!

...

So I began to think, what would I say if this was turned to me?

Society: Aarika, Aarika, Aarika look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little book,
Me: It's the word of God
Society:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Me: It can?
Society:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE IS NO GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

Will I choose the pay the price just as Jesus did? Will I choose to hold onto the truth, even if no one believes me and the chances of turning in my favor are slim? What will I say?

Hm. I'd like to think that I would say the same thing Horton says:

Horton:So I just have to say it isn't true. (Kangaroo smirks, certain of her 'victory'. Horton pauses am moment, then a look of anger and determination comes over him) Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but there are people on this speck and they have a mayor, who has 96 daughters and 1 son named Jojo, who all share a bathroom, whatever that is. And even though you can't hear, or see them at all, a person's a person, no matter how small. (Raises the clover, while the animals stop their angry bickering, and have looks of happiness, and hope now in their eyes. One wikersham even stops himself from eating a bug he just picked up)
Kangaroo: (For a moment, she looks touched) That was beautiful Horton. (Then the anger springs back to her eyes) Rope him! Cage him! And burn that speck in a pot of boiling besalnut oil! (The wikersham then shrugs, and eats the bug)

I want to say the truth just like Horton. When they ask me to deny my faith I want to look them in the eye and say the same thing. "Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but God is real and having a relationship with Him is the only way to be saved from this sinful life. And even though you can't hear or see Him at all. God is omnipotent and rules over all.

Haha, I don't know about the rhyming...but the message is clear. God is real and I want my faith to grow so big that it is undeniable just like He is. And I want the kids who I have to teach to want that for themselves too.

How I Used To Be

I've been struggling a lot lately with my writing. For some reason everything feels...forced and contrived and so...square. I feel stifled, but not just in my secular writing but in the writing that i desire to glorify God with. It's all...so not up to par. And it got me thinking to how it used to be before. How did I do it before? How did it come so easily? Because there was a time where you couldn't get me to stop and I had so much to say. So I went to go look. I went back into my old stuff and read it again and again and again. Trying to remember the mindset I was in and that's when I stumbled across this post on my xanga. It was my post after the last day of school junior year. I had bombed my Madrigals audition and not made it into the advance group which broke my heart but...by the end of the week I had been named President of Aria for the next year. I had been given a different chance. haha. And so this post came out and it reminded me about what truly and honestly SHOULD ALWAYS be the focus of whatever I do. God.

Build A Bridge

It's easy to get disappointed in life.

There are so many things that can go wrong, so many things that you can blame on circumstance or things that make you feel inadequate. Like you're not good enough. But, the important thing is to understand that with all those faults, with all of those flaws; God still loves you. He will always love you.

The important thing is to build a bridge with that knowledge.

Whether you fail a test or you didn't get the part you auditioned for in choir, God is consistant when we aren't.

It's been an intersting week for me. The first two days have been full of disappointment and self-pity. I've felt all of these emotions of being not good enough, and I've at times beaten myself up for being less than what I really think I'm capable of. But I've come to realize that no matter how others may judge me, no matter what others may think of who I am. They don't know me. God knows me. God knows me better than I know myself and if I can convince myself that I've just had a bad week, that I am better than this, then, I can know that God has always had faith in that fact.

He made me in His image. I am from Him, and because of that I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. I have the potential to be everything, because He is my everything. He is my rock, my Savior, my redeemer, my strength. Through Him I live, and no one else in the world can take away that truth from me.

It's so easy to feel like you don't belong, that you don't matter, and it hurts, it will always hurt. But, no matter what, God knows the truth. That's all that matters in the end. It's ok to cry, to feel disappointed and feel as if you failed. It's ok, because those are human emotions, that's the price we pay for being only human. The next step is to accept that you made a mistake, that you did ultimately fail. But you learn from that, you take the knowledge from that experience and spin it. You tell yourself that I don't ever want to feel this way again, and you take strength in Christ, in God; you take strength in the fact that he loves you and you build a bridge over that failure. You get over it.

No one other than God can tell you you're not good enough. Because no one else knows you. No one else has the right to judge you. Life is full of shortcomings. You will have to build bridges over and over again, and some you even have to tear down because the only way to accept that failure is to wade through it to the other side. But take solace in the fact that God has your hand. With him you can go anywhere, you have no limitations. You have the ability to be everything he has planned for you.

How much of a relief is that?

How can you continue to sit on feelings of inadequacy when God gave His only Son for you, so you wouldn't be inadequate anymore? So you would be enough? He sacrificed for you, sacrificed because He loves you. With that fact, don't accept anything less than being the best you can be. It's the least you can do. Not because it will make Him love you more, but because you want to be an example. To be a light among men. Sure, God isn't asking you to be the best at everything, because works don't put you higher on the list of entrance to heaven. But it can lead people to that list. It can make people ask, "What do I have to do? How can I be saved?"

Humanity does not understand love. It understands earning through works, which is why it has such trouble with idea of good people, who aren't saved, going to hell. But, with that, if you can understand God's love. Understand that accepting that gift of grace and love can fuel your good works, make you want to be better, then they will ask, "Why are you so good? What's you're motivation."

And with that, you can bring people closer to Christ.

You can tell them of your disappointments, tell them of your shortcomings and give your testimony, because we were all born the same, we were born sinners like the rest of the world. But now you show them that the only difference is Christ. You can teach that He is the ultimate salvation, through your failures, through your losses. People understand that, people understand struggle and they are inspired by others who build themselves to a higher level of success. It appeals to the human nature of society, it appeals to the belief that good people go to heaven, but that's where you teach them the truth: Saved people go to heaven.

You give them the Gospel.

Again, it's easy to be disappointed in life.

It's so easy for things to go wrong.

But the important thing to remember is that we are judged on a whole new level and the love of God through the sacrifice of Christ is our biggest accomplishment, even though we didn't do anything to deserve it. You teach that to a non-believer. You show them that even though they are sinners, they don't have to feel like they aren't good enough. If they accept Christ, they take Jesus as their Lord an Savior and really dedicate themselves to that truth, to the Gospel; then they don't have to be good enough in the end because He is. And that's all that matters.

-aarika

I want to get back to that mindset. Where I found it easy to write because I truly had something worthy to write about. And I still do, I just keep trying to look for answers elsewhere where the only solution is staring me right in the face.

Empty Me

EMPTY ME - By Chris Sligh
I've had just enough of the spotlight
When it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share
Of the sweet life
And the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough

I know how i can stray
And how fast my heart could change

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So i can be
Filled with you

Ive seen just enough of the quick buys
Of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
Compared to you
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you
So I surrender all

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride

Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you.
Filled with you
Empty me

I have been extremely blessed by this song and have realized that Chris Sligh is my ultimate American Idol. Haha. You know I struggle with sin every moment of every day just as all people do and I give in a lot more often than I want to. I stumble and I fall and I cry out to God because I don't understand why I don't stop myself. Even in the sin I am so unhappy and I know it's wrong and I want to stop but I don't because some part of me, the very human part of wants to keep going. The last few months I've felt as if God is working in my life the way I've always been praying for. It's taken a while to get to this point but God has sustained me and He's shown me that I'm getting closer and closer to Him. I praise God for being faithful to me and my prayer. I praise Him for always being there and not being the distant one, but instead showing me how distant I have been.

When I first heard this song I knew that it was one that would never get old. This is my constant prayer for God to empty me of my selfishness and my sin so that I can be filled with the Holy Spirit and His abounding grace.

Everything is a lesser thing compared to Him. And I surrender all.

-penman