wow. there's a lot of oxygen...

Okay. It's been a while, but, I've finally made some time.

It has officially been a week since school let out and the first few days were spent cleaning and ridding myself of all of the things I was holding onto throughout the year. Clothes, textbooks, test papers, study guides. All of it had culminated over the course of nine months, but now, I am happy to report, that everything is either in the garbage or in a Balikbayan box postmarked for the Philippines.

It took three full days to sift through everything, but, as my sister said, "[My] closet doesn't look like Narnia's in there anymore." ;P

It was strange finding and coming across different bits of the year and even finding different bits of years LONG past. It was therapeutic and cleansing and strangely satisfying.

Like looking back for the first time after a run and seeing just how far you'd made it. Or checking your watch after a really hectic flood of customers and realizing that your shift is almost over.

It was gratifying.

But now that my cleaning is done...I find myself in a strange place.

Suddenly, after months and months of a jam-packed busyness, I find myself with a LOT of spare time on my hands.

Now, with the quarter over I am no longer required to rush from work to school to church then back home to sleep it all off until having to do it again the next day.

[that was me]

In fact! I'm not really required to do anything....

And so a lot of my time has been spent staring at that ceiling or at the wall just in awe. This whole year, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. There were weeks when I just felt so tired and so misunderstood that I didn't think my body would be able to handle it.

But God sustained me and He continues to do so.

The only trouble is, trying to figure out what to do with myself. With all of this free time, what do I need to do? For myself? This whole year has been dedicated to school and to church and to work. I've been running around thinking and contemplating what can I do for everyone else. But, I was always hard pressed to put myself in to consideration. I guess I always reasoned that there would be enough time for me later.

But, later has come apparently.

With the cleaning done I'm freed up. Sure there is family and friends to visit, people to meet up with and the weekly hangouts that come about during the week. But, for instance, moments like right now, when I'm all alone in the house and NOT too tired to function, I'm jittery. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not and it's odd.

And yet, God is slowly helping me understand that this our time. His and mine to be together. To do things together. Things that I've been wanting to do.

My Father wants to hang out with me.

And that is so exciting.

This summer, no matter where I am. I just want to be able to enjoy things with Him and be reminded of the things that He has given to me to enjoy. I've realized lately that that's what He's been doing. [I have been such a sucker lately for subtle beauties in the world]

like a girl putting her trust in a trustworthy guy.

Like, the stories I grew up with.
The ones that remind me of what love is and that it was created by a Loving God.
[yes. even Harry Potter, which talks about the sacrifices for love]

Like the genius of paper flowers. [which I am mastering]

And the awesomeness of cupcake decorating [which i want to learn how to do]
That proves anything has the potential to be beautiful, if given the chance.

like the words of one of my favorite poets.
[Who I wrote my final paper on]
and reminded me that, contrary to what this world says:
Love does not have to be outlandish and extroverted.
Love can an expression that is intimate and subtle.

I just want to be in love with God again.

You know, in Bible study we've been talking a lot about the book of John and the miracles Jesus did. And, moreover, how He gave it all to God. How He didn't want glory for Himself but for the Father and I want to be like that. I want to make God important again. More important than anything else in this world and pull myself away from the crowds like Jesus did. Pull myself away and to a secluded place for just me and My Dad.

Well Gandhi....I'm working on it. =P

spinning into perspective

"i got into a car accident."

Saying it out loud feels shocking and so I can't really be surprised by the reactions I get when I say it, but still, I find it unfathomable.

but here the facts:

I was driving down the 57 south, on my way to go pick up Alanna and Eric and possibly EJ for Cassie and Garrett's Cabaret show. I had just merged from the 10 west and was about 1/2 mile away from Sunset Crossing when I realized the lady in my left lane was preparing to merge into me. I don't even think she saw me or saw the fact that she sandwiched me between her car and another, but she just kept going. She was going to hit me. And so my initial instinct was to pull away.

I swerved right and then realized there was another car there and then swerved left again in my lane only to find her still coming. So I broke (out of instinct) and then the car fishtailed.

I lost control of the wheel and just felt the car drift; turning within the lane to face the wrong way and it kept going.

I remember thinking, "Please just don't hit anything. Please just don't hit anything. Please everyone just get out of the way." And my overactive imagination was running 6 million miles a second picturing collisions and overturned cars etc. etc. Finally, it was over. When my head stopped spinning I found myself facing the Northbound 57 and cars coming up on my left.

A few cars went around me, but most stopped and waited while I got my bearings and pulled out. It was there at the side of the road that I began hyperventilating.

After that it was a blur of tears and conversations in broken English between me, my parents (who came to my rescue) and the Asian couple who's driver's door was smashed in. I was set to believe that it had all been my fault, that I must have hit them and would have to suffer the consequences of that, but...they said it wasn't me. They said it was someone else that hit them and drove off.

Honestly? I don't think I'll ever be sure.

It all happened so fast. All I do remember was that, I forgot to think about myself in the situation. Throughout the entire ordeal I just kept thinking, "Please everyone stop. Don't come any closer. It's not safe. It's not safe." I was afraid of someone not seeing me and crashing into me and getting hurt.

I never realized what could have happened to me until my dad pointed it out later. He said, "Aarika do you realize that the way your car was spinning you could have tipped over?"

Honestly? No. I didn't know that. I didn't think about it. But I dreamt about it that night. I dreamt about it and daydreamed about it and when I close my eyes I can still relive it.

When you look at it my car, you wouldn't think any of this happened to me. My jeep is beast that will not be killed. But it happened. And regardless of the nearly invisible outward injuries, I've still got a few internal ones. Cause I can't seem to forget them.

I still remember spinning and praying and not being able to breathe and telling everyone I was okay when I felt horrible inside. I still remember pushing everything aside and pretending I was fine and breaking down whenever anyone hugged me.

I still remember and I don't want to forget.

Because to forget it all would be to forget that God saved me. That God rescued me in my time of need and protected me. That, even after it, He reminded me of all the people in my life that care and worry about me. God reminded me of how He has blessed me with my family and church family and just a plethora of people who are willing and able to comfort me in times like this.

But God also showed me, that I'm not afraid of death or to die, because He's on the other side. Granted, that doesn't mean I WANT to die. But, at least I know that, if ever the time comes, I won't be fearful of it because to live is Christ and to die is gain.

And lastly, God showed me that I still have a lot of work to do. There are people here that I am meant to affect and work here that I meant to do for Him. And there are things that I want people to remember me by, so I better get to it.

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."

Pslam 118:17

oh the musings of the new year.

L: hey! so what are you doing?
A: oh, nothing much, just winding down with 2009. I've got to say, we've had a good year, but sadly by the end of the night I've got to let it know that I just don't see a future together.
L: oh man. I bet it's not going to expect that. =P
A: yeah. But i mean, it's gotta have some inclination right? especially after Christmas. I mean, I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't let go of the past. I've got to move forward.
L: yeah you're right. And relationships like that are never healthy.
A: my thinking exactly. but no worries. This new 2010 looks promising. who knows, maybe it'll be my year. maybe it'll be the year.=D
L: haha. maybe. you'll never know.

So, as the year comes to an unavoidable close, what is also unavoidable is the self-reflection that ensues with it. Questions such as, "where was I this time last year?" and "what's different now?" spring to mind almost immediately, but the answers are not quite as immediate and the thought process would honestly take an entire year to compute properly...but I can say this.

this time last year, I was no where near the place that I am now. In the physical sense, the spiritual sense, as well as the emotional and mental sense. I had no sense. NONSENSE. That's really what it was. I was nonsensical in all meanings of the word. I had no clear direction, no clear drive, and no clear idea of what I wanted other than what I had already convinced myself long before in another self-defining epiphany. So I just decided to go with the flow. Things were changing fast so I just resolved to change with them and see where 2009 took me.

Apparently it took me here. To this place of clarity regarding who I am as a Christian, where I stand and where I want to stand. So here's what I came up with:

Who am I?
I am a sinner who has been saved.
A blind person who can now see.
A wretch who is now loved.
And a servant who has been called.

Where do I stand?
At the foot of the cross
with my face to the ground
continually praying
and continually clinging
As I face the uncertainties of humanity
And try my best to further the Kingdom of heaven

Where do I want to stand?
That's easy.
At the foot of God's throne.
And I want Him to see me
And recognize me.
I want Him to say, "Well done,
Good and faithful servant."
And I want Him to reach out
Pull me into His arms
And never let go.

This time last year, all I ever wanted was my dreams to come true. To say what I wanted to say about this world and about the God who made it and have those words published. To live comfortably and settled in a dream that I have had since I was 4 years old. Also, this time last year, my family was separated. Slightly strained with the reality that my parents and I were not members of the same church, that I had an aunt who was constantly in pain, and that the rest of my family was shaking on top of it's foundation.

But, this year. My parents are ACTIVE members of CFBC. My dad is even a Deacon. (haha) My Aunt has been restored in heaven and is no longer in pain and my family has become stronger, more solid, and firmer in the faith. So if all of that changed, it's no wonder that my dreams would change as well.

What I want now is to serve. To do more for this world than just say what I want about God. I want God to use me. I want to set this world on fire for Him and to change the lives of as many people as I can through the message of His love and of His Son.

Tonight we sang this very beautiful Hymn called "Make Me A Blessing" and here is how it goes:

Out on the highways and byways of life,
Many are the weary and sad;
Carry the sunshine where darkness is rife,
Making the sorrowing glad.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

Tell the sweet story of Christ and His love,
Tell of His pow'r to forgive;
Others will trust Him if only you prove
True every moment you live.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

Give as 'twas given to you in your need,
Love as the Master loved you;
Be to the helpless a helper indeed,
Unto your mission be true.

Make me a blessing, make me a blessing;
Out of my life may Jesus shine.
Make me a blessing, O Saviour I pray,
Make me a blessing to someone today.

I don't think I've ever heard anything more inspiring and more fitting to start the new year off with. PTL for God's amazing timing and for His ever present instruction to follow the call. I end this post with my own biblical statement about my life now, so as to mark my mission and my goal for not just 2010 but as many years as God allows me:

I press on
to reach the end of the race
and receive the heavenly prize
for which God,
through Christ Jesus,
is calling us.
Philippians 3:14

-night
aarika

starlit nights.

[.poetry.corner.]

i curled up by the fireside
with cookies set out for old St. Nick
i was waiting to ask him for a sleigh ride
watching the clock as it continued to tick

slowly but surely i closed my eyes
fighting to stay along
but instead drifting off to the smooth lullabies
of famous crooners and their seasonal songs.

you would think that my mind so full of gumdrops
Of snowflakes and jingle bells
would expound in imagination unable to be stopped
but my heart had other things to tell

you see, i dreamed of a village that was rural and quaint
sheep grazing along the outskirts of town
and a beautiful star that, without any restraint,
Sparkled like the jewel of a crown.

a few lowly shepherds sat dozing where they laid
when suddenly a flash of beauty came to stand
And an angel cried out to "not be afraid"
That He had brought good news for all of man.

"There is child born in the city tonight
A Savior wrapped in humble cloth,
And He is the Messiah, The Lord Jesus Christ,
Born to Mary and lying in a trough."

Then a multitude of Angels came to be
Singing "Glory to God in the Highest"
Their music so pure and their praises to He
Who brings "on earth peace to whom his favor will rest."

And I followed the shepherds as they walked through the street
Following the light of the glowing star
Each excited and wanting to so badly meet
This Savior who wasn't very far.

And there in a stable with the livestock and hay
Lay a baby basked in starlight
I found myself speechless, not knowing what to say
Only feeling the tears I could not fight.

It was then that I woke up to a rising Christmas sun,
The cookies and milk were still there,
But my mind was on my dream and God's only Son
And how I wanted everyone to be aware

Of how Santa and elves and reindeer and a sleigh
Are all make believe and actually pale
In comparison to the child born in a stable that day
This child who in his life never failed--

To love me and live for me, who was born for my sake
And the sake of this world that's in strife
This child who was born to be the Lord God on Earth
This baby that came and SAVED my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can spend my whole life buying and wrapping presents for other people hoping to convey how much they mean to me, but it will never compare to the present God gave to us and the message that present brought with it. The message of unequivocal love that God has for us, the love that He conveys through the life and death of His son Jesus Christ.

-aarika

The Genius of Dr. Seuss

So, 3rd and 4th graders are ridiculously straight forward and curious.

We got into some deep conversations with comments like:

"I don't know if I'm saved Ate Aarika!"

"Even if you ask Jesus into your heart will he leave you when you're bad?"

"Do I have to ask him to come into my heart again?"

"If there is a war in heaven and you die...where do you go?"

"If you're bad will you go to hell?"

The questions were numerous and overwhelming and yet I couldn't help but love it, because as we get older we can come to feel self-conscious and lose our boldness in asking the important questions. We are taunted by the fear that society will shun us or think little of us and we know that it can be hard and dangerous to be out on that limb on our own.

But we must be consistent and we must teach our children to be this way also. We've got to keep heart and sometimes...draw inspiration from unlikely sources.

For example, today, while I was reflecting on VBS, I was watching Horton Hears A Who and this is what I heard:

(the scene where the Kangaroo is speaking out against Horton to the rest of the animals turning them into an angry mob)

Kangaroo: What is happening to the Jungle of Nool?! There once was a time when people were people and specks were specks! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Horton!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let troublemakers like Horton poison the minds of our children?!
Yummo the wikersham: Not the children!
Kangaroo: When Horton tells the children about worlds beyond the jungle, he makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Wikersham: Yeah! Horton must pay!
Deer mother: It's that speck!
Tommy's parent: We have to do something!
Mrs. Quillian: For the children!
Yummo: for the children!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Every animal: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Kangaroo:(Has Horton surrounded) Stooop! (everyone stops)
Horton: Hey fellas. Good to see you, all at once. You look really great, as a horde.
Kangaroo:Horton, Horton, Horton, look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little flower.
Horton: It's a speck!
Kangaroo:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Horton: It can?
Kangaroo:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE ARE NO LITTLE PEOPLE LIVING ON THAT SPECK! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price. (The wikershams then bring up a huge cage, which Horton winces at)

...

So what have we learned?

Horton was faced with a very scary situation and it despite the fact that this movie is a cartoon and is fictional...the similarities are uncanny to that of Jesus and the Pharisees. After watching I had this vision and the whole story turned into this:

Pharisees What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and they didn't go around claiming to be someone they aren't. Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? That Jesus! Are we going to let troublemakers like him poison the minds of our children?!
Society: Not the children!
Pharisees: When Jesus tells the children about heaven and how He is the son of God, He makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Society: Yeah! Jesus must pay!
Mother: He's a liar
Parent: We have to do something!
Woman For the children!
Scoiety: for the children!
Pharisees: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
All: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Pharisees: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a mere man.
Jesus: I am my Father's son
Pharisees:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Jesus: It can?
Pharisees:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that YOU ARE NOT GOD NOR THE SON OF GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

...

And Jesus paid the price. He paid the ultimate price because He held onto the truth. What's even more amazing is that this story is still relevant today: As Christians we are faced with this negativity and it hasn't changed in all these years.

Society: What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and were logical about it! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Those Christians! Are we going to let troublemakers like them poison the minds of our children?!
Man: Not the children!
Society: When thoes Christians teach the children about heaven and hell and Jesus, they makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Man: Yeah! They must pay!
Mother: It's that book! That Bible of theirs
Parent: We have to do something!
Father: For the children!
Man: for the children!
Society: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Everyone: NOOOO!

...

So I began to think, what would I say if this was turned to me?

Society: Aarika, Aarika, Aarika look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little book,
Me: It's the word of God
Society:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Me: It can?
Society:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE IS NO GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

Will I choose the pay the price just as Jesus did? Will I choose to hold onto the truth, even if no one believes me and the chances of turning in my favor are slim? What will I say?

Hm. I'd like to think that I would say the same thing Horton says:

Horton:So I just have to say it isn't true. (Kangaroo smirks, certain of her 'victory'. Horton pauses am moment, then a look of anger and determination comes over him) Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but there are people on this speck and they have a mayor, who has 96 daughters and 1 son named Jojo, who all share a bathroom, whatever that is. And even though you can't hear, or see them at all, a person's a person, no matter how small. (Raises the clover, while the animals stop their angry bickering, and have looks of happiness, and hope now in their eyes. One wikersham even stops himself from eating a bug he just picked up)
Kangaroo: (For a moment, she looks touched) That was beautiful Horton. (Then the anger springs back to her eyes) Rope him! Cage him! And burn that speck in a pot of boiling besalnut oil! (The wikersham then shrugs, and eats the bug)

I want to say the truth just like Horton. When they ask me to deny my faith I want to look them in the eye and say the same thing. "Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but God is real and having a relationship with Him is the only way to be saved from this sinful life. And even though you can't hear or see Him at all. God is omnipotent and rules over all.

Haha, I don't know about the rhyming...but the message is clear. God is real and I want my faith to grow so big that it is undeniable just like He is. And I want the kids who I have to teach to want that for themselves too.

How I Used To Be

I've been struggling a lot lately with my writing. For some reason everything feels...forced and contrived and so...square. I feel stifled, but not just in my secular writing but in the writing that i desire to glorify God with. It's all...so not up to par. And it got me thinking to how it used to be before. How did I do it before? How did it come so easily? Because there was a time where you couldn't get me to stop and I had so much to say. So I went to go look. I went back into my old stuff and read it again and again and again. Trying to remember the mindset I was in and that's when I stumbled across this post on my xanga. It was my post after the last day of school junior year. I had bombed my Madrigals audition and not made it into the advance group which broke my heart but...by the end of the week I had been named President of Aria for the next year. I had been given a different chance. haha. And so this post came out and it reminded me about what truly and honestly SHOULD ALWAYS be the focus of whatever I do. God.

Build A Bridge

It's easy to get disappointed in life.

There are so many things that can go wrong, so many things that you can blame on circumstance or things that make you feel inadequate. Like you're not good enough. But, the important thing is to understand that with all those faults, with all of those flaws; God still loves you. He will always love you.

The important thing is to build a bridge with that knowledge.

Whether you fail a test or you didn't get the part you auditioned for in choir, God is consistant when we aren't.

It's been an intersting week for me. The first two days have been full of disappointment and self-pity. I've felt all of these emotions of being not good enough, and I've at times beaten myself up for being less than what I really think I'm capable of. But I've come to realize that no matter how others may judge me, no matter what others may think of who I am. They don't know me. God knows me. God knows me better than I know myself and if I can convince myself that I've just had a bad week, that I am better than this, then, I can know that God has always had faith in that fact.

He made me in His image. I am from Him, and because of that I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. I have the potential to be everything, because He is my everything. He is my rock, my Savior, my redeemer, my strength. Through Him I live, and no one else in the world can take away that truth from me.

It's so easy to feel like you don't belong, that you don't matter, and it hurts, it will always hurt. But, no matter what, God knows the truth. That's all that matters in the end. It's ok to cry, to feel disappointed and feel as if you failed. It's ok, because those are human emotions, that's the price we pay for being only human. The next step is to accept that you made a mistake, that you did ultimately fail. But you learn from that, you take the knowledge from that experience and spin it. You tell yourself that I don't ever want to feel this way again, and you take strength in Christ, in God; you take strength in the fact that he loves you and you build a bridge over that failure. You get over it.

No one other than God can tell you you're not good enough. Because no one else knows you. No one else has the right to judge you. Life is full of shortcomings. You will have to build bridges over and over again, and some you even have to tear down because the only way to accept that failure is to wade through it to the other side. But take solace in the fact that God has your hand. With him you can go anywhere, you have no limitations. You have the ability to be everything he has planned for you.

How much of a relief is that?

How can you continue to sit on feelings of inadequacy when God gave His only Son for you, so you wouldn't be inadequate anymore? So you would be enough? He sacrificed for you, sacrificed because He loves you. With that fact, don't accept anything less than being the best you can be. It's the least you can do. Not because it will make Him love you more, but because you want to be an example. To be a light among men. Sure, God isn't asking you to be the best at everything, because works don't put you higher on the list of entrance to heaven. But it can lead people to that list. It can make people ask, "What do I have to do? How can I be saved?"

Humanity does not understand love. It understands earning through works, which is why it has such trouble with idea of good people, who aren't saved, going to hell. But, with that, if you can understand God's love. Understand that accepting that gift of grace and love can fuel your good works, make you want to be better, then they will ask, "Why are you so good? What's you're motivation."

And with that, you can bring people closer to Christ.

You can tell them of your disappointments, tell them of your shortcomings and give your testimony, because we were all born the same, we were born sinners like the rest of the world. But now you show them that the only difference is Christ. You can teach that He is the ultimate salvation, through your failures, through your losses. People understand that, people understand struggle and they are inspired by others who build themselves to a higher level of success. It appeals to the human nature of society, it appeals to the belief that good people go to heaven, but that's where you teach them the truth: Saved people go to heaven.

You give them the Gospel.

Again, it's easy to be disappointed in life.

It's so easy for things to go wrong.

But the important thing to remember is that we are judged on a whole new level and the love of God through the sacrifice of Christ is our biggest accomplishment, even though we didn't do anything to deserve it. You teach that to a non-believer. You show them that even though they are sinners, they don't have to feel like they aren't good enough. If they accept Christ, they take Jesus as their Lord an Savior and really dedicate themselves to that truth, to the Gospel; then they don't have to be good enough in the end because He is. And that's all that matters.

-aarika

I want to get back to that mindset. Where I found it easy to write because I truly had something worthy to write about. And I still do, I just keep trying to look for answers elsewhere where the only solution is staring me right in the face.

Mama's Day...

I honestly think that because I've spent the majority of my life listening to music and trying to pick out vocal parts I find it very easy to identify voices. So I shouldn't be surprised that people's voices are very easy to remember. It's always been a blessing; very helpful in every musical aspect...

But it also...never ceases to hit me at randomly horrible times as well.

Take today for instance: we went to Forest Lawn and, at first, it was fantastic. Being with the family, enjoying a celebration of Mothers. But it was as I was walking to the car and thinking back to last mother's day that her voice came back.

My Tita Joyce.

I don't remember much of what happened last year, but it just came as a very weary, "Thank you." With a giggle. Her giggle. And it suddenly was hard to breathe. I find it happening a lot lately too. The other day I was on yahoo games randomly and found myself playing Bookworm. I could just hear telling me about it. She was the one that introduced me to it and I can just hear her, "Aarika it's a good game! It helps you practice your words."

Wow. That was such a long time ago.

I miss her so much. At times more so than others. But, even still, it's in those moments that I wish I could just forget.

It's a bittersweet and painful.

overwhelming and debilitating.

And then there are those moments when I'm with my family...singing and I swear I can hear her voice. Her alto ringing out and helping me find the part and I just have to accept it, because I would rather remember wishing to forget than to have forgotten and be desperate to remember.

the REAL glory of Heaven

“What is something you look forward to?”

The question itself was simple enough. I only wanted to get to know her more, wanted to build a relationship with her so as to better relate to her and her life; but I didn’t expect our conversation to yield anything other than a greater understanding of who she was. Yet it did, because her answer, to this one simple question, haunted my thoughts more than I could have believed possible.

“Oh man, I look forward to going to heaven. Can you just imagine, if it’s everything the Bible says it is, how awesome would that be? Streets paved with gold? A house built for me. No more sadness, no more fear. That must be amazing.”

Now, It’s a valid answer. I’m sure she’s not the only person to ever say that going to Heaven was something to look forward to, but, at the same time, I have to wonder if Heaven was all she’s excited for. Granted, golden paved streets and mansions built by God are what exciting in their own right, but what about God? All of those things would not exist without God and really, in heaven, shouldn’t spending eternity with God, the Father, be the ultimate reward as a Christian?

I suppose it could argued that I’m being too critical of her answer, and I’d be lying if I said I went on to push her further to try and make her understand. But, none the less, I left that conversation with a questioning of my spiritual life, not just the spiritual life of others. What was my reason in being a Christian?

The Bible says:
“They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.” Revelation 7:16

It sounds amazing, the benefits of heaven, but the Bible also says:
“ For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.”
Revelation 7:17-18

So you see, all of the blessings of Heaven are nothing without God, in all honesty, I know the Bible describes heaven as an indescribable paradise but would it be anything compared to the Glory of God? In my opinion, I think He would be much more distracting than a mansion with my name on it and I probably wouldn't notice if the streets were made of cheese if I was walking with Jesus because, honestly. all I would notice is Jesus.

When you think about it, the God who offered us mercy and salvation will be there for us to fellowship with. Despite all of our transgressions and all of our sins He gave us a way out and, moreover, He gave it to us because he loves us. We don’t deserve it. We don’t deserve heaven, we don’t deserve streets of gold and no pain and no tears. We deserve to die, and we certainly do not deserve Him. But He saved us.

And it's when I think of that, the fact that I'll be able to spend time with my Savior, my God, that makes me think I could care less about the material things of heaven, God is the REAL glory and reward.

Now, don't get me wrong, I will admit that the rest is a really great "bonus", but...I have to ask would I still want to go and still be excited if they weren't part of the package?

Would I still want to go and be excited if they were and God wasn't?

hmm...

Well...what about you?

till next time
Stay Faithful