August: Shaken, not stirred...

I'm not sure if I could really articulate how incredible and overwhelming this month was,

but...as a writer half the fun is in the attempt. =P

So, let's start at the beginning...

I won't lie and say that the month started on a high note, because it surely did not. Not only was I reeling from being left to my own devices with my Lola leaving in late July, but I was also suffering from intense feelings of loneliness and homesickness because of VBS. Missing VBS was incredibly devastating for me because it IS my favorite time of the year. But God comforted me with the reassurance that He didn't send me here to think about the things I was missing, but to experience the things that I couldn't get back home. And man, do I praise God for his unfailing love and omniscience because He has been revealing Himself ten-times over this month.

For instance, if I had been in California this month instead of Eastern Samar then I would have completely missed out on the wonder that is Patron (pah-troh-n [haha don't forget to roll your "r"]).

August brought with it the Maydolong "Dolong Festival" which celebrates Saint Rocque who was the first to bring religion to the town. Now, regardless of the fact that the majority of Maydolong now is not Catholic, any excuse to party is a good excuse.

For a good week and a half before there were events every evening (3 of which I sang in) and August 15 was presentation day when all the schools and organizations first marched in a parade throughout town and ended up in the plaza for submission presentation. Four schools in all of Maydolong put together a kind of field show to portray how Maydolong got it's name, ESSU being one of them. So, prior to, classes were pretty much cancelled due to all the preparation.

But man was it worth it:



you can check out all of the photos here

But let me just say, I've never seen so many colors. And the fact that so many of my students, friends, and family were in the Fiesta parade and presentation gave me a sense of pride that I think will always have no matter where I go in life. I tend to get attached pretty quickly so I really shouldn't be surprised how much love I have for the people that I have come to meet and know here in Maydolong.

But anyway moving on...August 15 and 16 was a day to wander from house to house for free food. I can safely say that I was full for the two days that followed (and I only went to one house) but it was more the companionship that I found solace in. Which brings me to another reason why August was so monumental:

You want to make friends, you fellowship with them.

Fiesta was a reason to fellowship with an array of different people outside of the formality of school and work. I got to meet and introduce myself officially to a lot of my cousins' friends and even hang out with CYF in a different type of setting. It was a good week and it continued to build upon that foundation well into the following week.

Dinner with CYF

Snack in Lolo's Nipa Hut

 

Compassion Family Day

One event that I have been super excited for since Kimberly, Joey, and I became independent from Lolo and Lola was their birthday weekend. Kimberly's birthday is August 24th and Joey's August 27th, which I found out on a random evening when we were watching television.

This year Kimberly's birthday was on a Friday and Joey's the following Monday so, early on, I suggested we go do something. I love celebrating birthdays and making a big deal out of them. It's what Ate Aarika does, but I had a lot to learn about birthday traditions here in the P.I.

For instance, the MAJOR difference between birthday celebrations here in the Philippines and celebrations in the States is who throws the party.

Here, if it's your birthday, you're the one to throw the party, prepare the food, pay for everything, etc. etc. and giving presents is just not done. The present is that people show up. This is why people don't usually celebrate their birthday because they don't have the money to fund something like that, so in the past the most either of them had done was maybe have a few friends over for snack.

When Joey and Kimberly explained this to me I was floored. "What?! But...it'syourbirthday. Everyone else should be giving things to you, not the other way around! Andwhywouldn't you celebrate? It's an important day!" Haha it was pretty funny, but I relented. I figured, even if they didn't feel comfortable in doing something I would do what I do best and give them everything I could.

Of course when the days came, they brought with them the reality of how much God has blessed Kimberly and Joey with really loving and good friends. Friends who want to celebrate them more than the two of them want to celebrate themselves.

It just goes to show how humbleness, sincerity, and generosity are rewarded by the Lord. God has revealed so many of His own attributes through the two of them and I am constantly in awe over how the Lord lives through them. I praise God so much for giving them each another year to just be these beacons of light.

yeah. Gotta love 'em.

So, for Kimberly's birthday many of her friends came to the house and they cooked noodles and rice, brought drinks and snacks, and we made a day of it eating the bakintol that Kimberly taught me to roll the night before.



Her friends are all her batch mates: Criminology students that have, apparently, been wanting to get to know me for a while.

After an initial awkwardness of not really knowing what to say to each other we eventually fell into a comfortable banter. They tried their best to speak English to me while I tried my best to use what Waray/Tagalog I knew. Haha who knew that years of listening in on conversations back home would serve me well here or that I was even paying that much attention, but I surprised myself with how much Tagalog I actually do know.



But anyway, the language barrier has become more endearing than detrimental and Kimberly has told me that her classmates think I'm very cute. Like a chipmunk (they didn't actually say "Like a chipmunk" but I like to add that part since it's my cheeks that seem to be cutesy to a lot of them).

Now, I know that one day didn't completely eliminate the anxiety I tend to give people inadvertently, but it was enough to ensure an enjoyable Tuesday when I returned to school and felt like I had a stronger support system through the difficult times.

For Joey there was more of a hulabaloo over because 1. He's in ESSU-Chorale so his friends are performers. 2. He shares a birthday with Kuya Raffy who is not shy about wanting to celebrate his birthday either. And 3. President Benny Aquino announced that we would commemorate National Heroes Day on Monday August 27th instead of it's actual day:
Sunday, August 26th. That meant no school, no work, party party party.

Haha, so Joey's birthday actually started at 4am Monday morning.

I got a text message from one of my students, who also happens to be a Chorale Member with Joey and Kimberly and I let them through the gate. One of the traditions that I have come to deeply appreciate here in Maydolong is the Serenading Tradition, usually done on someone's birthday. I remember when I first came to Maydolong in 2006 my family was serenaded outside of our house the morning after we arrived and for Lolo's birthday CYF also serenaded Lolo in the morning.

This was no different. The ESSU-Chorale came and proceeded to serenade Joey for his birthday while Kimberly and I cooked breakfast. Spaghetti is the only thing I know how to make (and the Philippines is well stocked in Filipino spaghetti ingredients) so that's what we made. I praise God for the foresight to cook more since the CYF showed up at about 5am to serenade Joey also.

There were a lot of people in the house that morning.









CYF then told us that they actually came over to cook for lunch since we were all supposed to go to the beach to celebrate for Kuya Raffy and Joey, but we sent them away and said to come back after everyone had left.

Once they had, I amused myself by taking pictures of the boys work in the kitchen.
In contrast to when Kimberly's friends came over and all the girls cooked the food, for Joey's birthday all the boys did the cooking. I am constantly amazed by the resourcefulness of Filipino teenagers in the Province. The way that they are taught from a very young age to keep house is unlike the US culture or even the culture of Filipino teenagers in Metro Manila. It's an initiative that I know US grown kids don't gain until past eighteen (sometimes never) and I am both fascinated and convicted by their example.




After all the preparation we loaded up a put-put and headed over to the beach for a day of music, eating, and lots of picture taking.





For that celebration, and all the photos from this weekend, you can check the photos here.

But anyway, it was a good day with a lot of food, a lot of laughs, and a LOT of pictures.

Talking it over with Joey, after everything was said and done, even he couldn't believe all of the blessings given by his friends. All the work, the food, the money that was donated for the work and the food, 21 proved to have a good start to it and for Kimberly 19, as well.
After the birthday celebrations things pretty much returned to normal. We went back to school and things began to settle down other than the fact that we have a Showcase Concert scheduled for Sept. 7 so the practices for that began in full swing.

Lots of evenings at church. Lots of dancing and singing. It's almost like being home, only I'm in the youth instead of directing. (Can't say I don't enjoy it)
But then of course the excitement couldn't be over. August had done so well to shake up my perspective of life here that it was only fitting that the world offer a physical representation of it.

August 31st, 2012 - Friday night, after choir practice Joey, Kimberly, and I came back home with Roselle Ann (another cousin) and Brent (a friend from church). We were just hanging out in the living room, watching Wil Time Big Time, and then the house began to shake.
Now...there have been quite a few earthquakes since I've been here. None that were strong, most were just aftershocks from neighboring countries, so we've made a habit of the Deer in the Headlights reaction when the house begins to shake. But as the shaking persisted and then the electricity flashed on and off the flight reaction took over and we bolted out of the house, Kimberly and I out the back door, Joey, Roselle, and Brent out the front.

The electricity gave out and we could feel the Earth shaking beneath our feet. We had nowhere to go. In my mind I kept thinking, "We really shouldn't be near this tree," but the quaking didn't feel big enough to have to duck for cover, it just felt like any other aftershock. The difference was the duration. It was long and frightening all the same and once over we shuffled into the house to make sure that everything was alright.

I don't think any of us knew how to react so...we just made jokes. "Well, I guess we're all sleeping in the living room."

The humor was short lived as a ruckus could be heard outside and our gate was thrust open. There was a lot of yelling in Waray, but what I could understand was what people were yelling about, "The sea! The sea!"

The earthquake had led to gigantic waves and it was enough to remind everyone that we are on an island and a big earthquake could lead to a tsunami. Again, no one knew how to react, especially us, a bunch of sarcastic teenager to twenty-somethings so what did we do?

Continue to make jokes.

A lot of the children were frightened, crying and praying, crying and praying and I suddenly remembered that people here have never felt earthquakes like that and are also not privy to California desensitization towards natural disasters. So, what did I do? I texted my family. I asked them to pray for us so that we would be protected and that people would stay calm.

That was of course before I realized the severity of the earthquake. Of COURSE my family would be the first to go online and see what the magnitude was. Even we didn't know that here in Maydolong, but 7.9 is enough to shake up the whole world. Honestly, it didn't feel like a 7.9, but we knew enough to stay on higher ground and open our house to our family and friends who needed to a place on higher ground also.

We made a night of it: Late night talks, pictures documenting our makeshift slumber party, as well as more joking, "Don't go into town! The town is empty!" (one of those 'you had to be there' moments.

Yes, we all did not sleep well and yes we were stuck in a brown out throughout the next day into the evening, but...I couldn't really complain. It was the climactic end to a very exciting month and only made me excited to see what the coming months had in store.

That and...in all honesty I love brown out nights. Nights when there is no electricity and so Joey, Kimberly, and I lay out together by candlelight, hugging the tile floor in order to stay cool. We talk, we joke, we listen to the sound of the "oh. another frog." haha (another inside joke) and we fall asleep like that, completely at peace with the world.

The Lord is so good. He provided so many amazing things within the month of August and my only prayer is that the coming months are just as full and eye-opening. I am in awe of His provision and I never want that feeling to go away.

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever.

Eastern Samar State University

Don't ask me why ESSU is called Eastern Samar "State" University when clearly the Philippines is not divided into "states" but eh. They shall do what they shall do. 

Anyway, if you've been following my scattered thoughts and journal entry-blogs you'll know that the High School English Teacher position that I had originally secured fell through upon my arrival in the P.I. Which led to about two and a half weeks of what I like to call the "limbo state" until finally one of my relatives heard my sad sob story and spoke on my behalf to the local University: ESSU-Maydolong. The main campus is in Borongan, but ESSU-Maydolong is a branch located less than three miles from my house. Also, it happens to be the school that my cousins go to so...it was an obvious choice seeing as Joey, Kimberly and I could go to school together and I wouldn't feel so...alone. =] Add into the mix that a lot of my new friends from CYF are upperclassmen as well and I was pretty much set to be eased into my new life.

 

So, in comparison to ESSU-Main, which looks like a Cal State School, ESSU-Maydolong is a relatively small campus with a population of maybe 1,000 students. It was a high school the last time I was here, but since I've been away it changed from an Agricultural High School to a University offering degrees like: BE-ED: Elementary Education, BS-ED: Secondary Education, BS-IT: Information Technology, and BS-Criminology.

It's a relatively "simple" school, much like everything here in Eastern Samar. I first came to visit with Kimberly during her registration where she and many other students had to sit for close to half an hour filling out eight class schedules by hand, which were already assigned to all third year students (they don't pick their classes), to be distributed to different administrators on campus.

Back home we're so spoiled with all of our computer systems and everything is automated, as well as the vast array of classes to choose from. Students at ESSU don't choose, they are given the classes required to graduate, which...makes me wonder who has the better system seeing as most of the DO graduate in four years. (Save for the few who can't afford school, get married, or get pregnant and can't finish.)

 

 It's a nice change from the massiveness of a Cal State school. It almost feels like a private school and holds it's own quaint charm. For instance, every Friday, there are no "classes" but all students are required to come to campus for "classwork". Now, when I first heard this I thought Joey and Kimberly had to go to school to do homework stuff, but...no. It's Compulsory work. They go to campus to clean the campus. Sweep up the leaves, clean their classrooms, etc. etc. Granted, it's not all work, once they are done most students stay on campus with their friends, but if you don't go, it's a fifty peso fine.

Which reminds me...

The trees are mango trees, so towards the end of the school year there are a lot of mangoes to go around, though the students are discouraged from picking them off the tree (it's also a fifty peso fine). And the machine that keeps the grass trim and tended to? Carabao and goats.

Moreover, during actual classes in the week, the students don't actually move around from classroom to classroom, the teachers do. So, unlike a Cal State campus where you sometimes get stuck in a class with people from other majors that you don't know, all of my students spend all day together in the same classroom with their batch. They even have class officers and daily sweepers.

Imagine my surprise, the first day, when I said, "Alright, you're dismissed," only to be told, "Ma'am we stay here, in this classroom." I laughed it off, completely baffled and replied, "Oh, then I guess...I'm dismissed..." Yeah. A real comedian I am, though to be fair I was battling about five hundred butterflies in my stomach.

Which brings me to my students. I teach English courses: Effective Writing for BS-ED Second Year and Study and Thinking Skills for BS-IT First Year. Most of my students are around my age or...around the age of the CFBC Youth, so they are easy to get along, in addition to the fact that they are bred to be respectable and hospitable, but I won't deny that we were and...still are...a little more than fascinated with each other.

Recently, I spent some time with a few of my BS-ED students outside of class and learned that when I first walked in they all thought I was one of them. They all assumed that I would take a seat beside them and silently wait for the teacher. They watched me in complete surprise head over to the podium and proceed to nervously meander through all of the things in my bag. I was their teacher. I was the "Ma'am".

Currently I'm writing a narrative of that first experience, but I praise God for my 2nd year class. They are very different than my 1st years and remind me of home. They remind me of CFBC and the youth.

 

(I'm missing maybe ten of them in this picture, but overall they are an incredibly welcoming class.)

My 1st years are a little different. They can be successfully separated into two groups: the more vocal and more reserved. I have a lot of male students are very quick to compliment. The fact that I am twenty-two and a US citizen adds to my appeal of course, but they all listen during lecture and all participate to the best of their abilities.

I think the difficulty with this class is that, I wasn't their teacher on the first day of classes. I spent Monday, June 4 on a van to Borongan to meet with the President of the ESSU schools and get proper clearance to be taken on as a teacher. I came to them on Wednesday after they had already Ma'am Gemma and, because I hadn't been given their syllabus yet, we were a standstill haha. Every day it gets better, though sometimes I feel like there is only so much i can tell them. I learn more and more from their writing, as well as who does and doesn't do the work, but....even if they underestimate me now, they won't underestimate me once the semester ends. I remember who leaves class and who doesn't come back. I remember who pushes off the work to someone else. I know. I may be young, but I'm not stupid. Haha.

Overall, teaching is one of those experiences where you go into it with a game plan, just to throw it out the window. And yet, I do enjoy it thoroughly. There is something to be said about being this kind of observer. I don't think they realize how much I learn from them and how...it's, hopefully, just as much as they learn from me.

ESSU-Maydolong has never had a volunteer teacher before. So, I think it's safe to bet that this will be something my students remember. I can only hope that they'll remember more than the novelty of a teacher that was younger than them, or a teacher that was from California. I hope that they remember me and everything I tell them about writing and reading and understanding the English language. I pray that God uses me to do more than just lecture. I want to teach. That's why I'm here. So, let's hope and pray that I do God proud and make a lasting impression. =]

I'll hopefully be able to blog more within the next few days. In addition to introducing my new cousins and friends, there are a lot of school events and town events that I'm looking forward to writing on. For instance: The ESSU-Maydolong Founder's Day Anniversary and the impending Intramurals. We don't have stuff like this back home...but man...it should have a come back. Haha

Until next time.

-Aarika

"Let's keep it simple," He says.

I have never, in my entire life, been a quiet person.

You can ask anyone. 

I have always been loud, outspoken, long-winded, 

a girl prone to giving too much information. 

I lack the ability to enjoy silence and the skill to sit amidst it without putting my foot in my mouth or making myself look completely ridiculous.

That's always been me. That's always been who I am.

But what often happens, when you make drastic life changes, 

is you get the chance to reinvent yourself 

and see who you become when you are no longer in the comfort zone.

Here, I am rather shy. Haha I know. Shocker.

I am shy and quiet and a regular homebody.

Part of it is because I'm submerged in a culture 

with a language I don't understand a majority of the time 

and therefore I can't really contribute to the conversations much anyway.

And the other part of it is...I'm rather enjoying the silence now.

For years I've been all about telling stories. 

Telling stories to everyone and anyone about everything and anything.

But I've been musing a lot on the ideas God must have had in sending me here.

Me, the most talkative person in the world,

to a place where I can't really talk that much.

Obviously, there's something I've got to hear.

So, 

I think this year is all about listening. 

To my students, to my grandparents, to my family.

Listening to the story God is trying to tell me through all of them.

Listening to the lessons God is trying to give me through the silence.

One thing that comes with that is the call for simplicity. 

Sometimes, too many words complicate things.

And in a place as simply beautiful as Maydolong?

Complicating things is an injustice to it.

In class, I have to be explicit when I explain things. 

I can no longer rely on the implications because my students don't know them.

My references differ from theirs. So I need to simplify.

Not dumb down. They aren't lacking in intelligence.

No, they deserve more than that

And so, they force me to be creative. It's easier for me to adapt to them

than ask all of them to change for me.

Therefore, it's about listening. Listening to how they speak and the jokes they make. Listening to the questions they have and opening myself up to hear them.

In the classroom God has whispered,"Let's keep it simple,"

And I intend to do just that.

Currently Reading:

I've always been a big romantic softy at heart, loving stories of the classic girl meets boy, boy loves girl genre. I find that no matter who the characters are, what the situation is, or how it ends. Even if I've heard/read the story a million times... it never gets old.

But it wasn't until I was older that I was able to dive in and truly appreciate the one love story that all other love stories mirror. The single greatest written love affair in the entire universe, the one that directly connects the reader to the Author, because the text IS a love letter to the reader from the Author.

The Bible. God to me. God to you. And when I stumbled upon Lauren Winner's book "Girl meets GOD", actually began reading it out of the piles of books that I have precariously been casting away in favor of other activities, that I was reminded again of who God is.

Girl meets God is a recount of Lauren F. Winner's own personal story. How she came from being a very faithful and very active Orthodox Jew to a Christian.

I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the book; maybe a beautiful and inspiring story of how the pull of God's love and the gift of Jesus ached within her or maybe an unfavorable encounter within the Jewish religion. But whatever it was, I didn't get it.

Not in the way I thought at least.

Winner's book thus far has been enlightening, not because her story has been especially unique, but because it is especially... relatable.

for instance:

"Evangelizing, if it means handing out tracts, is not something I do. I don't ever casually swing my arm around a friend's shoulders, look meaningfully into her eyes, and ask, 'Susie, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, would you go to Heaven?' When I come face-to-face with Jesus' commission to the disciples--go and spread the word around the world--I wince, for I know I am not even spreading it around Morningside Heights.

I take comfort in the church's current affection for what is politely called 'lifestyle evangelism.' Being a lifestyle evangelist doesn't require handing out tracts; it just requires living a good, God-fearing, Gospel-exuding life. I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

Upon reading this I felt like she was quoting straight from my mind. I, myself, have always had trouble with being particularly bold in the face of man. I've been rebuffed and snubbed so many times by some of my closest friends that the thought of being rebuffed by acquaintances or strangers is not particularly appetizing. But I do feel guilty sometimes. I feel sad for the missed opportunities that pile up in my mind and I strive to correct this, knowing that God calls us to make disciples of all nations.

But it is hard. I tend to be more of the nurturer rather than the instigator but... the point is Lauren Winner took the words right out of my mouth.

"I like to assume that most people know I am a Christian and when they see that I am sometimes joyful and sometimes peaceful when they are not, they will want to know my secret."

In short, Lauren Winner's novel, thus far for me, has been speaking to me. Like God is using her to speak directly to me. And man He's got a lot to say.

I've never thought that my story, my testimony is one of those whirlwind, life-changing stories that, by just being shared, can touch people.

It's a common story. Girl from a God-fearing home grew up rebelling God at every angle with a self-righteous cover, until she couldn't do it anymore and God broke down the wall that she was putting up to block Him so that He could take her into His arms and call her His own.

That's it. Poetically said, but there are no rising action subplots of drugs, teenage pregnancies, or sex. And there are no falling action resolutions of rehab, abortions, and STD's. I've led a relatively normal life where it's just been me, trying to keep myself from turning on the straight and narrow and getting distracted. It's just me trying to let go of all control. It's just me trying to give it all to God.

And Lauren Winner is just like me. Her story has showed me that going to hell and back doesn't mean going through the streets and landing in the gutter (at least not for me). Going to hell and back just means going away from God and then coming back. That's it.

And with that truth. I'm so glad that it never gets old.

my pages and i

when i was three years old,
my father taught me how to read
and a whole world came to life.

As the years went on
i found that it wasn't just one whole world
but a gateway to millions.
Like the wood in The Magician's Nephew

and it has only grown
as more and more worlds have been discovered.

a few more favorable than others.

which taught me
a lot of things.
About happy endings. sad endings.
new beginnings.
old beginnings.

and it made me odd.
made me weird.

but most of all, it made me realize
that i could create worlds of my own.

and hopefully teach my kids to do the same.
start 'em young.

but anyway, that's beside the point.
Right now, I just PTL for all the things that brought me to this crossroads.
'Tis the most enjoyable one I've ever come to.
And the best thing is, I don't just have to choose one.

=]

in lieu of my new discovery...

I am putting up a VLOG!
Yes. I thought it would be cool to put up a short vlog about where I'm staying and who I'm staying with.

God has been so good to me in this experience and since I can't seem to upload the pictures of my AMAZING discovery today, I figure I'll try again tomorrow and put up my Vlog instead. I pray that it will be the first of many and that the connection here won't be too slow that it'll be really difficult.

Hope you enjoy the randomness that ensues.

it was a learning experience.

"I can't expose a human weakness on the stage unless I know it through having it myself."
- Tennessee Williams -

The last few weeks have been oddly eye-opening.

And, as of late, I've come to find out a few things about myself that, aren't necessarily new, but...bigger than I thought them to be. More important, if you will.

So what's the next step?

Not sure. But, at this moment in time, I think I'm just going to ride it out as best I can and see where God's leading. Because, quiet honestly, I have no idea what's going on. Just that so far the ride has been enlightening, terrifying, and extremely fun.

Best combination there is, if you ask me.

Letting God write my love story...

i am a lover of words.

From books to lyrics to scripts to quotes, I find that, despite there being times when it feels like there are no words, saying that "there are no words" is enough.

Those are the words.
And therein lies my absolute favorite paradox.
=D

Anyway, moving on. Despite my love for words, I will admit that at times I can utterly loath the sight of them. It's what happens when you live the life that I live since after most nights this is me:yeah. real attractive right? But what can I say? Even an English Major has trouble keeping up with reading. And yet...I still find solace and comfort in reading.

I want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by books even though, at the present time, I loathe them. Hah. Another paradox. But this is how I imagine my life to be:

With my own personal library
Stacks and stacks of books
And I do mean Books EVERYWHERE.
(these stairs are so awesome)
Even in my bedroom
And in my bed. (HAHA)
So, despite my overwhelming reading list, I still love reading something new.
And I suspect I will always be that way.
God is so good for the love and passion He has given to me.
And one day, God-willing, my dream of contributing my words
to the words of the greats
will be fulfilled through His mercy.
This is what I think God is telling me:
And who am I to question Him?

Currently reading:
The Bible
"Seek ye out the book of the Lord, and read." Isaiah 34:16

The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie R. King
"Eccentricty had flowered into madness."

The Eye of Jade by Diane Wei Liang
"With new freedom and opportunities
came new crimes. There would be much that
she could do."

Fearless by Max Lucado
"Fear corrodes our confidence in God"

When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
"Being single is an opportunity to discover who God has made us to be and what He has called us to in this life"

Have A Little Faith by Mitch Albom
"It is more comforting to think God listened and said no, then to think that nobody's out there"

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
"I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish."

Gotta love it.

A Total God-send

This past Tuesday, I relayed to a friend, over a bowl of pasta and the cuteness of her kids, how my junior year of high school was a horribly angry year for me. As a depressed sixteen year old in a new high school that was twice the size of her previous one, I found myself quite privy to that of the quiet and voluntary recluse because in all honesty I did not want to be where I was:

The unfamiliar territory of a predominantly white neighborhood with it's predominantly white school and cut off from everything that I was comfortable with. I was a junior who felt like a freshman and it, for lack of a better word, sucked.

So what did I do to combat the ever-present loneliness that I felt during that first semester? I did what any aspiring writer and asian nerd did. I went to the library. I went to the library and walked around and about the shelves looking for something to distract me during the dead hours of my day, which seemed to be in surplus seeing as I didn't have that many friends. It was there that I came across Sarah Dessen and her flair for writing young-adult fiction. All stories of girls who had some type of insecurity in tandem with a strained relationship from the rest of her family, most especially her mother, and suddenly I found solace.

Peace of mind in the spaces between the ink and it saved me in High School because somehow reading works of fiction based on characters who were thrust into unfamiliar situations, stumbling about in their insecurity, but somehow coming out with the realizations needed to triumph was enlightening. It was inspirational and not only that, the books were great conversation starters.

That's how I met my first real friend who's name was also Sarah. haha go figure.

And so, I became faithful throughout that year. returning to the library at first every week to check out a new book of Dessen's, before spreading myself out farther so as to give myself ample time with the characters.

Haven, Halley, Colie, Caitlin, Remy, Macy, Annabel, and then Ruby.

All girls who live separately within Sarah Dessen's universe, but all are interconnected. Their lives, their friends, their situations all overlapping as mentionings within each others' existance.

By the time I had finished Junior year, in much much MUCH better shape than I had started. I had gone through all of Dessen's books and had found, not only friends, but my passion for writing reignited. Sarah Dessen and her savviness had been the comfort I needed in my time of self-pity and she has most definitely become one of my favorite authors.

After high school though, I was saddened that I had run out of her works to read, seeing as I had spent many a night burning the midnight oil only to finish too early. That's the problem with being an avid reader...when you finish a "series" you tend to find an emptiness inside as the reality of all the time you had devoted is now finished. Time to move on. But thankfully, sometimes you the ball just keeps rolling.

Most recently I found Sarah Dessen's newest novel which just erupted onto the scene about four months ago. *sigh* it's been so long since I've had a new piece of work from her in my hands, but I gotta tell you, I missed it. And though the story is more or less similar. Girl with some type of fault that keeps her emotionally detached from the world around her and a mother that is just unforgiving and misunderstands everything making it seem as if the whole world is the same way, as well as a boy that comes about to shake the whole world up, it is comforting. Like remembering a a song or tv show you used to love.

And so, here I am, it's been seven hours since I bought this book, four hours since I sat down and cracked it open to begin reading.

I'm already on page 142 of the 383 pages.

*sigh* feels good to be back in my comfort zone. The reality of good fiction writing never ceases to amaze me. You know, people can say what they want. They can go off and praise the new-age hard-hitting edgy fiction that's been coming out lately, even praise the non-fiction but written like-fiction stuff that seems to be showing up just as often, but you can't deny that, like a good song that can cheer you up on a bad day, it's books like Sarah Dessen's that warm the soul just the same.

Forget the crazy and obscure existential stuff that supposed to be deep and make you think! Nothing is more true than girl who has been hurt by boys or family or even herself but soon encounters a guy who can change everything. A guy who has always been there, even if they never really saw him. He comes and seems to know exactly what she needs. Seems to help her, forces her to face the truth about herself, and gives her hope that there is good in this world. And happy endings actually happen a lot more often than we think. We're just not opening our eyes.

And that boy...that message, that story...it's all God...God-sent at least. haha.

love it. Huge thanks to Sarah Dessen, and thank God for sending her.

starlit nights.

[.poetry.corner.]

i curled up by the fireside
with cookies set out for old St. Nick
i was waiting to ask him for a sleigh ride
watching the clock as it continued to tick

slowly but surely i closed my eyes
fighting to stay along
but instead drifting off to the smooth lullabies
of famous crooners and their seasonal songs.

you would think that my mind so full of gumdrops
Of snowflakes and jingle bells
would expound in imagination unable to be stopped
but my heart had other things to tell

you see, i dreamed of a village that was rural and quaint
sheep grazing along the outskirts of town
and a beautiful star that, without any restraint,
Sparkled like the jewel of a crown.

a few lowly shepherds sat dozing where they laid
when suddenly a flash of beauty came to stand
And an angel cried out to "not be afraid"
That He had brought good news for all of man.

"There is child born in the city tonight
A Savior wrapped in humble cloth,
And He is the Messiah, The Lord Jesus Christ,
Born to Mary and lying in a trough."

Then a multitude of Angels came to be
Singing "Glory to God in the Highest"
Their music so pure and their praises to He
Who brings "on earth peace to whom his favor will rest."

And I followed the shepherds as they walked through the street
Following the light of the glowing star
Each excited and wanting to so badly meet
This Savior who wasn't very far.

And there in a stable with the livestock and hay
Lay a baby basked in starlight
I found myself speechless, not knowing what to say
Only feeling the tears I could not fight.

It was then that I woke up to a rising Christmas sun,
The cookies and milk were still there,
But my mind was on my dream and God's only Son
And how I wanted everyone to be aware

Of how Santa and elves and reindeer and a sleigh
Are all make believe and actually pale
In comparison to the child born in a stable that day
This child who in his life never failed--

To love me and live for me, who was born for my sake
And the sake of this world that's in strife
This child who was born to be the Lord God on Earth
This baby that came and SAVED my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can spend my whole life buying and wrapping presents for other people hoping to convey how much they mean to me, but it will never compare to the present God gave to us and the message that present brought with it. The message of unequivocal love that God has for us, the love that He conveys through the life and death of His son Jesus Christ.

-aarika

The Genius of Dr. Seuss

So, 3rd and 4th graders are ridiculously straight forward and curious.

We got into some deep conversations with comments like:

"I don't know if I'm saved Ate Aarika!"

"Even if you ask Jesus into your heart will he leave you when you're bad?"

"Do I have to ask him to come into my heart again?"

"If there is a war in heaven and you die...where do you go?"

"If you're bad will you go to hell?"

The questions were numerous and overwhelming and yet I couldn't help but love it, because as we get older we can come to feel self-conscious and lose our boldness in asking the important questions. We are taunted by the fear that society will shun us or think little of us and we know that it can be hard and dangerous to be out on that limb on our own.

But we must be consistent and we must teach our children to be this way also. We've got to keep heart and sometimes...draw inspiration from unlikely sources.

For example, today, while I was reflecting on VBS, I was watching Horton Hears A Who and this is what I heard:

(the scene where the Kangaroo is speaking out against Horton to the rest of the animals turning them into an angry mob)

Kangaroo: What is happening to the Jungle of Nool?! There once was a time when people were people and specks were specks! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Horton!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let troublemakers like Horton poison the minds of our children?!
Yummo the wikersham: Not the children!
Kangaroo: When Horton tells the children about worlds beyond the jungle, he makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Wikersham: Yeah! Horton must pay!
Deer mother: It's that speck!
Tommy's parent: We have to do something!
Mrs. Quillian: For the children!
Yummo: for the children!
Kangaroo: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Every animal: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Kangaroo:(Has Horton surrounded) Stooop! (everyone stops)
Horton: Hey fellas. Good to see you, all at once. You look really great, as a horde.
Kangaroo:Horton, Horton, Horton, look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little flower.
Horton: It's a speck!
Kangaroo:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Horton: It can?
Kangaroo:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE ARE NO LITTLE PEOPLE LIVING ON THAT SPECK! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price. (The wikershams then bring up a huge cage, which Horton winces at)

...

So what have we learned?

Horton was faced with a very scary situation and it despite the fact that this movie is a cartoon and is fictional...the similarities are uncanny to that of Jesus and the Pharisees. After watching I had this vision and the whole story turned into this:

Pharisees What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and they didn't go around claiming to be someone they aren't. Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? That Jesus! Are we going to let troublemakers like him poison the minds of our children?!
Society: Not the children!
Pharisees: When Jesus tells the children about heaven and how He is the son of God, He makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Society: Yeah! Jesus must pay!
Mother: He's a liar
Parent: We have to do something!
Woman For the children!
Scoiety: for the children!
Pharisees: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
All: NOOOO!

...

(When they've found Horton)

Pharisees: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a mere man.
Jesus: I am my Father's son
Pharisees:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Jesus: It can?
Pharisees:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that YOU ARE NOT GOD NOR THE SON OF GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

...

And Jesus paid the price. He paid the ultimate price because He held onto the truth. What's even more amazing is that this story is still relevant today: As Christians we are faced with this negativity and it hasn't changed in all these years.

Society: What is happening to this world?! There once was a time when people knew their place and were logical about it! Well, I say if you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it DOESN'T EXIST!! Our way of life is under attack! And who's leading that attack? Those Christians! Are we going to let troublemakers like them poison the minds of our children?!
Man: Not the children!
Society: When thoes Christians teach the children about heaven and hell and Jesus, they makes them question authority! Which leads to defiance, Which leads to anarchy!!
Man: Yeah! They must pay!
Mother: It's that book! That Bible of theirs
Parent: We have to do something!
Father: For the children!
Man: for the children!
Society: Are we going to let him get away with this?!
Everyone: NOOOO!

...

So I began to think, what would I say if this was turned to me?

Society: Aarika, Aarika, Aarika look at the mess you've created for yourself. All this hullabaloo over a silly little book,
Me: It's the word of God
Society:(Sarcastic) Right. I mean, it's silly really, all this talk of roping you and caging you and we won't need to get into the details. The point is this angry mob, all the trouble you're in, it can all go away. (everyone looks confused at this)
Me: It can?
Society:Of course! All you have to do is admit, to everyone that THERE IS NO GOD! That you were wrong, and I was right. You do that, and things can go right back to the way they were. But, if you don't, you're going to have to pay the price.

Will I choose the pay the price just as Jesus did? Will I choose to hold onto the truth, even if no one believes me and the chances of turning in my favor are slim? What will I say?

Hm. I'd like to think that I would say the same thing Horton says:

Horton:So I just have to say it isn't true. (Kangaroo smirks, certain of her 'victory'. Horton pauses am moment, then a look of anger and determination comes over him) Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but there are people on this speck and they have a mayor, who has 96 daughters and 1 son named Jojo, who all share a bathroom, whatever that is. And even though you can't hear, or see them at all, a person's a person, no matter how small. (Raises the clover, while the animals stop their angry bickering, and have looks of happiness, and hope now in their eyes. One wikersham even stops himself from eating a bug he just picked up)
Kangaroo: (For a moment, she looks touched) That was beautiful Horton. (Then the anger springs back to her eyes) Rope him! Cage him! And burn that speck in a pot of boiling besalnut oil! (The wikersham then shrugs, and eats the bug)

I want to say the truth just like Horton. When they ask me to deny my faith I want to look them in the eye and say the same thing. "Go ahead. Rope me. Cage me. Do whatever you want, but God is real and having a relationship with Him is the only way to be saved from this sinful life. And even though you can't hear or see Him at all. God is omnipotent and rules over all.

Haha, I don't know about the rhyming...but the message is clear. God is real and I want my faith to grow so big that it is undeniable just like He is. And I want the kids who I have to teach to want that for themselves too.

Chapter Two: The Light Switch

It was so dark.

I had been left in the darkness for so long, but a hand had taken hold of mine and was leading me through it. There had been times when I had been grabbed by things unknown, things unseen and frightened by the horrors that seemed to want to take me, but this hand made me feel safe so I clung to it.

I clung to that hand, because I knew that there was a man they all talked about, a man who would save me, and I had this overwhelming feeling that this was Him. How could it not be? I could have put my life on the fact that this person guiding me was that man named Jesus and so I trusted that soon enough I would see the light.

I don't know how long it was but all of a sudden I felt a wall on my side. A wall! That must mean there is a door somewhere so I giddily ran my other hand along it, silently thanking God for taking me closer and closer to salvation. Suddenly I ran across a bump in the wall and I stopped moving, feeling it cautiously with my hand to try and understand what it was.

A switch?

Yeah, i think it's a switch.

But what for?

Why would there be a switch? Unless...

A LIGHT SWITCH!

It HAD to be a light switch!

With an overwhelming amount of excitement I took a deep breath, praying that it would work and flipped it, suddenly hit with a blinding flash of white.

And the whole world came into view.

It took a while to adjust but...it was beautiful.

I felt tears fill my eyes, slightly from the fact that I was partially blinded and could not make out anything I was seeing, but mostly because I was so in awe. After what seemed like an eternity in the darkness, I could see. I could see everything.

I then realized that my hand was still gripping Jesus' hand and I had to thank Him, after all, it was because of Him that I had found my way to the wall and subsequently to the light switch. In a flurry of happiness I turned the words, "Thank you," nearly off my tongue when I froze and I felt things suddenly dim and my heart rate slow to almost a dead stop.

This hand that I had been clinging to; this person that I had been so convinced was Jesus....wasn't.

This was not a nail pierced hand, it was something else.

Someone else.

Someone who, even now , is physically fleeting and unmemorable, but did have one thing that sticks in my memory, which was the shirt he was wearing. White with big block letters that read, "I Mean The World To You." And I felt sick to my stomach.

I had been so fooled. I had been so wrong!

How could I have thought that this was Jesus guiding me? How could I have believed so thoroughly that it was Him? Why had I not discerned that it might not be? How?

And then I looked at the words on his shirt again, the daunting and horribly blunt words, "I Mean The World To You," and realized why it had been so easy. Why I had been fooled.

It was because I had foolishly believed that I could tell. That I could just know without asking and that there really was no point to asking, because I knew. Or at least, I thought I did. I trusted...in an assumption. The assumption that I knew God's plan in anyway, and why?

I'll tell you why.

Because that assumption and everything that I came to believe and trust in through it. Meant the world to me.

Maybe it even meant more.

So, as I realized this, I looked at the hand that I had been clinging so vehemently to and studied it, squinting as my eyes still tried to adjust to the lack of darkness. I was remembering the warmth and the comfort it brought me. Remembering that it hadn't ever done anything wrong and it could have led me to the wall and to the switch...but no.

I had to stop being foolish. I had to stop assuming and instead, go and find God for myself so that I could cling to Him and find all my answers in Him. I had to do it and do it fast...or else someone might just switch the light off, and I couldn't go back to the dark.

I just couldn't.

So, hesitantly and painfully I tried to pull my hand away. Finding it difficult as this person clung to my hand to. "Please just let go!" I said, tugging my hand away but failing miserably as he seemed to adamantly refuse. "LET GO! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET GO?" But he held on, looking at me blankly. Almost as if there really was no strain on him.

Finally his eyes met mine and asked in a strange and calm sort of way, "Do you want me to let go?"

I looked at him as if he was crazy and nodded, "Of course! Yes! I want you to let go!"

"Okay," He said calmly again, "Well I will, when you do. I'll let go of you, when you let go of me."

And he left it at that. Watching me; gauging my reaction as I ran through his words in my head.

'I'll let go of you, when you let go of me.'

'I will, when you do.'

And then I loosened my grip, finding that as I did this so did he and our hands slipped apart, freeing me from the confines of his hold.

Had I really not been doing that before? Was it really that simple?

But I didn't want to wait around and ask, so I backed away from him slowly, wondering if he would follow me as I leaned up against the wall where the switch was and began to shimmy away. He only watched me as I went, made no move until I was meters away, a good distance to run and get away if he chose to try and capture me again. But then he did the strangest thing. He walked over to the light switch, smiled at me and waved before reaching over and flipping it.

I jumped, thinking that the lights would go off, but no. They didn't. And instead he disappeared with a pop, as if, when he flipped the switch, he went off instead of the lights.

My head was spinning from the sheer audacity of the whole situation and I closed my eyes to try and steady my thoughts, it all was just so much to take in. But with a sigh I turned away from where he had been and took a look at the expanse in front of me. Smiling slightly as it all was clear, my eyes adjusted. In the distance I could make out something, a large sign that read, "Got questions? I've Got answers." And laughed shaking my head as I realized that there was no clearer sign than that. That was where I had to go, and though it was long way from where I was, at least there was nothing to weigh me down.

Before heading out I took a glance behind me, wondering if that guy with the shirt was back and waiting to follow me. But he wasn't; he was gone and I was left alone again, in the light this time, with the whole beautiful world in view.

And with a sigh I looked ahead, taking the first few steps toward answers.